Secret Bank Accounts: When money is tight, can you afford to be honest with your love

[jeffrey]

A while back, I asked a man at a party what he thought the secret of a happy marriage was. “One bank account,” he said without hesitation. “Keep it simple — what is yours is mine — that way there’s never any cause for guilt or resentment.” At the time I didn’t think much of it. Now, post-credit crunch, I find myself thinking about it all the time — that and the reaction of the woman who overheard his answer, rolled her eyes and said: “Keep your money private. You have to have some leverage.”

When the financial crisis hit, there were plenty of stories about the wives of the rich calling time on their marriages before the cash dried up. But now, as the dust begins to settle, it turns out that it isn’t only fat cats and their blonde trophies whose relationships were glued together by cash: 25% more couples in the southeast are seeking Relate counselling post the crunch, and 3.2m of us now have bank accounts that are kept secret from our partners. This seems like a pretty gloomy state of affairs. Then again, you could argue that the recession has provided a welcome reminder that marriage is still, despite all the modern emphasis on romance, an economic partnership. Who earns what, who pays for what in return for what, and whether both of you feel the deal is fair are crucial to every relationship. Yet confronting the fact that their destiny is roped together can be shocking for the generations who put off marriage, and were used to being financially independent before they tied the knot...


Goodbye to the shared bank account - Times Online

[Cassandra]

I could never have a separate account that my SO doesn't know about- it feels too dishonest to me. IMO, when you marry, you share everything. Keeping an account your spouse doesn't know about is, in my mind at least, a form of infidelity.

I do agree with the allowance. I think each person should be able to have some money they can spend whatever they want on without having to consult the other.

My BF and I are just dating, but we each know how much the other has. He has seen my bank statements and visa versa. I know how much he makes, how much he spends, and how much he saves- and he knows all that about me. We don't have any joint accounts, but I do think it is important that we know where the other stands financially. I would be very upset if I were to discover that all this time he has had an account I didn't know about. I would wonder how much he really trusted me if he felt he had to keep that secret.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by jeffrey

[i]marriage is still, despite all the modern emphasis on romance, an economic partnership. Who earns what, who pays for what in return for what, and whether both of you feel the deal is fair are crucial to every relationship.

This is statement is absolutely, totally, 100% untrue. My wife and I have been married for nearly 17 years and began merging our finances when we got engaged 18 years ago. Never, not a single time in 18 years, has there ever been any issue or discussion or even a mention of who earns what or who pays for what. That simply isn't how we live our lives. In our marriage, EVERYTHING is JOINT. The only accounts that are not in both names are our retirement accounts, since joint accounts aren't possible for that. If they were, those would be joint, too. WE pay for everything - not ME, not HER - WE TOGETHER. Yes, I earn a lot more than her. That's just the reality of our situation, but I would never dream of using that fact in any way to say that our situation isn't fair or that she isn't an EQUAL partner in the relationship. Any couple that would do that has far deeper problems than money.

What a stupid statement.

[FrugalIII]

I am very happy for those families who can successfully merge their finances. It takes teamwork and like goals. However, in my case, we merged our finances in the beginning. Then the wife was spending money intended for bill paying on personal stuff so that when the bills came due there was no money. It got so bad that we had to separate our money. This is how we did it. We each kept our own checking/savings accounts. We had one "bill paying" account that we each contributed to. We contributed a set percentage of our pay, not a set dollar amount. That way each of us felt like we were contributing equally. That money was only for bills. Well, that worked for a while, then she was dipping into that. So the final result was that we closed the joint account, she still gave me the set amount for bills, which I put into my account and every bill got paid before it was due and the problem was solved. With my wife, it was impossible to merge finances and be successful. She had absolutely no interest in how much the bills were or how they got paid. She wanted that left up to me. I envy those of you who have financially successful marriages.

[Caoineag]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

This is statement is absolutely, totally, 100% untrue. My wife and I have been married for nearly 17 years and began merging our finances when we got engaged 18 years ago. Never, not a single time in 18 years, has there ever been any issue or discussion or even a mention of who earns what or who pays for what. That simply isn't how we live our lives. In our marriage, EVERYTHING is JOINT. The only accounts that are not in both names are our retirement accounts, since joint accounts aren't possible for that. If they were, those would be joint, too. WE pay for everything - not ME, not HER - WE TOGETHER. Yes, I earn a lot more than her. That's just the reality of our situation, but I would never dream of using that fact in any way to say that our situation isn't fair or that she isn't an EQUAL partner in the relationship. Any couple that would do that has far deeper problems than money.

What a stupid statement.

I understand your point Steve but his point is that if both people DON'T think its fair, there will be issues. Since you and your wife agree that your set up is fair, this really doesn't apply to you.

Perception has always been a big part of what is "fair". And I have seen a lot of people get divorced (paralegal here) because their perception of the marriage changed to unfair.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by Caoineag

I understand your point Steve but his point is that if both people DON'T think its fair, there will be issues.

I agree with that. What I take issue with is the statement that marriage is about "Who earns what, who pays for what in return for what." Sorry, but if you go into a marriage with that attitude, you are probably doomed to fail. I think the reason so many relationships dissolve over money issues is because they don't discuss those issues before deciding to get married. If my wife had told me prior to getting married that she expected me to pay 80% of every bill since I earned 80% of the household income, I would have told her to take a hike. Likewise, if I had told her to pay 20% of every bill, she would have booted me out. That just isn't the point of marriage in our minds. Marriage is about working together, not going through life with a calculator in hand to figure out "who earns what, who pays for what in return for what."

[Caoineag]

Oh I am with you on that point, Steve. My husband and I only recently went to pure joint accounts but we never felt we needed to whip out a calculator to keep things "fair". We just picked up expenses as we felt we were able and discussed what needed to be done when someone was overwhelmed. That's more haphazard that what we have now (I run the finances completely) but it certainly was more working together than you get 80% and I get 20% of the expenses.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

If at least one of the couple is earning interest on their secret account, couldn't that lead to having to file taxes separately so as not to divulge to the spouse how much interest is being earned --which might give a clue as to the saved amount.

To share completely feels like the trusting and ordinary thing to do, and it just seems so much simpler.

[wnlbutterfly]

Married 25 yrs and I agree with DisneySteve...having said that I set up a savings account last year without DH knowing and now I have the EF$1k in there. The reason I did that was because it seems that anytime we have "extra" money, DH finds something that is a "need", and it seems to disappear.

I started a second savings account that he does know about and working on another EF (have $700).

However, I do know that if he knew about the other account, he would be okay with it and understand why. It's not about yours/mine, it is about ours. And I did put my daughters name on the account so if anything happened to me, she knows about it and can get the money out.

But I also know couples that one or the other spends without regards to bills and budgets. Then you have to figure something out, as long as you can come to an agreement that is okay with both.

We came into this marriage with nothing....we have never had fights over money and I hope that it continues.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by wnlbutterfly

I set up a savings account last year without DH knowing and now I have the EF$1k in there.

Regarding Joan's question, how do you handle reporting the interest at tax time on a secret account? Do you guys file joint or separately? Or is it not an interest-bearing account?

[boosami]

Originally Posted by wnlbutterfly

I started a second savings account that he does know about and working on another EF (have $700).

However, I do know that if he knew about the other account, he would be okay with it and understand why.

If he would understand, why does it have to be secret?

[moneybags]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

Regarding Joan's question, how do you handle reporting the interest at tax time on a secret account? Do you guys file joint or separately? Or is it not an interest-bearing account?

I don't have (or believe in) secret accounts, but I prepare our tax return, and DH just signs it. He does not look at anything that goes into it.

If someone is hiding an account from their spouse, I wouldn't doubt that would just hide the 1099 when it came in the mail. Not a smart idea, but I wouldn't doubt that it happens.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by moneybags

I don't have (or believe in) secret accounts, but I prepare our tax return, and DH just signs it. He does not look at anything that goes into it.

Actually, that's exactly how it works in our house, too. I take care of the finances. I go to the accountant to do our taxes. DW just signs it and I fax it back to the accountant to e-file. She has no idea what it all says. It would be simple for me to hide money from her. It would be a lot harder for her to hide an account from me.

[swanson719]

My DW doesn't care about our finances at all. As long as she has her mad money and there is enough in the checking account to make her feel secure, she doesn't complain. I handle our retirement accounts, our EF, and our savings. She just signs the paperwork when needed. That being said, our EF is in a money market mutual fund that is attached to my Roth account, so it's in just my name, but she's the beneficiary. I don't actively hide accounts, or funds, but at the same time, I don't advertise how much we have because she's a spender and would want to spend it. The only time we go over what's in the accounts is when one of us wants to spend a large amount, like a vacation or something in that regards. Otherwise, we just save the mad money for a little bit and use it as we want. It's actually a lot more annoying that DW doesn't care about finances, but at the same time easier because I can handle them on my own w/o worrying about her input. Which is why I found this site to begin with - you guys have a lot more experience than me, so why not take advantage of other peoples mistakes and not repeat them.

[Daylily]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

This is statement is absolutely, totally, 100% untrue. My wife and I have been married for nearly 17 years and began merging our finances when we got engaged 18 years ago. Never, not a single time in 18 years, has there ever been any issue or discussion or even a mention of who earns what or who pays for what. That simply isn't how we live our lives. In our marriage, EVERYTHING is JOINT. The only accounts that are not in both names are our retirement accounts, since joint accounts aren't possible for that. If they were, those would be joint, too. WE pay for everything - not ME, not HER - WE TOGETHER. Yes, I earn a lot more than her. That's just the reality of our situation, but I would never dream of using that fact in any way to say that our situation isn't fair or that she isn't an EQUAL partner in the relationship. Any couple that would do that has far deeper problems than money.

What a stupid statement.

I'm on board with you on this. I'm in a similar situation in that I've always made more money than my DH and probably always will. It is even likely that he may be out of the work force permanently in a couple of years because of back problems. For us, we're a partnership. End of Story. It doesn't really matter who makes what. We're in this thing to the end so we might as well just get along. Sometimes I don't even think my husband remembers how much I earn.

Perhaps we're just lucky that we found like-minded companions when it comes to the financial side of marriage. I really have never understood the idea of the joint account, 'his' account, 'her' account. I realize some people use this so that each partner can have some of their own 'fun' money to blow on whatever they want. However, if it was something frivolous I'd still be mad about it whether it was part of 'our' money or just part of 'his' money.

On the flip side those couples who do use the separate accounts absolutely can't understand people like my husband and me who pool all the money and don't keep track of who earned what. Whatever works for other people fine, I just don't get it though.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by Daylily

Sometimes I don't even think my husband remembers how much I earn.

I guarantee you my wife could not tell you how much I earn. It is simply a non-issue, something she sees no reason to know or remember.

[quote[I really have never understood the idea of the joint account, 'his' account, 'her' account. I realize some people use this so that each partner can have some of their own 'fun' money to blow on whatever they want. However, if it was something frivolous I'd still be mad about it whether it was part of 'our' money or just part of 'his' money.[/quote]

Same here. There just is no such thing as "her" money or "my" money. Anything either one of us spends affects the ultimate bottom line, no matter what account that money gets pulled from. That's why we see no reason to separate it. Just keep it all together and keep things simple.

[kebark]

Secret Credit cards are a bastard to people working in collections =/

[wnlbutterfly]

To Boosami: "why a secret", because he is a spender and would find a reason to "need" to use the money. His main thing, which is very odd, is tune ups on the cars. Not a bad thing, but not as often as he seems to think they need it when he feels we have money. He isn't a mechanic, doesn't know a thing about cars and I think this is his way of trying to take care of the cars. I don't know.

Anyway....we now have a second EF that he does know about and I got an email saying two cars have appointments this weekend (usually oil changes). EF won't be touched, as that isn't an emergency.

The fact we haven't kept a savings account in 25 yrs is a big eye opener wouldn't you think? We would start it, then something come up and I would give up. Perhaps our definitions of emergencies were different then.

Once I feel like I have a good handle on things, I will share that info...but right now it could all fall apart still, we are just on the edge of this and hoping to gain momentum.