How to deal with mooching friends

jeffrey · #1 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 07:17 PM

During an evening out at a San Francisco bar some years ago, Matt Colling and a friend ended up buying drinks all around. But when it came time to pay the $100 tab, Colling was on his own.
Mooching friends -- how to deal with them

"I pulled out money and I was the only one that had any," the 28-year-old bartender remembers. His friend had conveniently "forgotten his wallet."

Whether it's stiffing drinking buddies with the check, bumming rides, "borrowing" cigarettes or sponging off meals, moochers can push the limits of friendship by making a habit of manipulating others to avoid paying their fair share.

Brandon Ward, a sports marketing executive in San Diego, got an early lesson in dealing with deadbeats. Now 37 and married, Ward readily remembers a former roommate who rarely picked up his fair share, including his portion of a weekend trip that involved four tanks of gas and three cases of beer...

Mooching friends -- how to deal with them - CNN.com

Broken Arrow · #2 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 08:04 PM

Moocher Schmoocher. I had a "friend" that wanted me to make "lifestyle changes" just for him! (Specifically, he wanted me to train in MMA with him, and that's asking way too much.) Nevermind that I've done other favors for him, from giving him money to helping him find a job.

The only way to set them straight is as simple as it is difficult. You say, "NO!" and you keep your feet down. Sometimes, it's hard too. They come up with all kinds of semi-convincing reasons why you should do what they want you to do, and any reasons you have are merely excuses that they gleefully await for so they can find ways to tear it down.

These people are not friends. Just say, "NO!" and keep saying it until they get it. If they don't, ban them from your life.

kork13 · #3 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 09:12 PM

I've had issues with this before.... I'll normally give people one chance, a second if normally i can always trust them... After that I generally start talking my way around it, suddenly not having the money to cover them. curious how that works, huh? just happened to only have cash enough for my own meal and tip... Somehow they always manage.

I'm not the forward "Just say 'NO!'" type, so I've become good with my work-arounds, while clearly hinting that I'm not interested in giving handouts.

rob62521 · #4 (**permalink**) 10-01-2008, 05:42 PM

We have a friend who sort of mooches...he always wants to go places on trips, but never offers to drive his own vehicle. Just last week he asked if we wanted to go to Chicago on Sunday...fully expecting us to say yes and drive. He has helped with gas so he's not a total mooch, but we are tired of the wear and tear on our vehicles and the places he wants to go are basically where he wants to go. Once he gives a little cash for gas, he feels he's in charge. We just don't go with him anymore. It's not a money thing on his party -- he lives it up. I think he doesn't want to use his vehicle because of the mileage or whatever...his vehicles are the same age as ours.

toys · #5 (**permalink**) 10-02-2008, 05:18 AM

I developed my own personal mooch-test for my friends. I felt I needed this 'system' when one day I opened my eyes and realized every single friend I had was a mooch... without exception. I had doubts about my judge of character (and still do)... and I knew at some level I was as much to blame for allowing the behavior to continue. So, I would have felt too guilty to just kick all of them out of my life immediately. Therefore, I decided to test them. I would give each friend a chance to repay me for all they had borrowed. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't simply about money; it was the whole concept of give-and-take these people had somehow conveniently been forgotten. I could do ten favors everyday for them... but the test... the test would be if I could get just one favor out them when I needed it. So, I turned the tables... started asking for a ride everywhere, asked to borrow clothing or other personal items, bummed cigarettes, requested small loans, hinted I needed help moving, begged for them to do my schoolwork, made comments such as "let's have the party at your place, this time," forgot my purse at a bar, gas station, restaurant, etc... all things I had NEVER done before (or since). Everyone had plenty of opportunity to return years worth of favors. Amazingly, everyone scored exactly the same on my little mooch test: ZERO. I could then systematically remove each bum from my life, without any regrets... and have a bigger bankroll to show for it.

I think I was confused; thought that having a huge group of friends made me cool or something. Truth is I could be worlds happier with only one or two real friends. I think I have always been guilty of giving too much. I just had to realize I should strive to have friends with the same quality.

boosami · #6 (**permalink**) 10-02-2008, 09:54 AM

I one loaned an unreliable yet close friend $300 to buy a Palm Pilot that he said he needed for the business he was starting to keep his schedule. I felt like a loan shark, having to hunt him down on a regular basis and threaten him to pay up. It took him 24 months to pay me back.

I also paid an ex-girlfriend's utility bill for 6 months. It took her more than a year to pay up, but she was broke so I'm lucky I got any of that back.

When I was in college, an entire sorority mooched off of me at least once a week on bar tabs. (I worked full time and had a ridiculous amount of disposible income in college.) They never paid me back, but I wouldn't say they got off free either

I'm sure some still take advantage of my good nature. But I don't mind someone not reimbursing me $5 for a couple pieces of my pizza they ate. I've learned to stay away from the bad moochers and don't keep track of the little stuff, or I'd be pointing the finger at everyone.

Abiqua · #7 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toys

I developed my own personal mooch-test for my friends. I felt I needed this 'system' when one day I opened my eyes and realized every single friend I had was a mooch... without exception. I had doubts about my judge of character (and still do)... and I knew at some level I was as much to blame for allowing the behavior to continue. So, I would have felt too guilty to just kick all of them out of my life immediately. Therefore, I decided to test them. I would give each friend a chance to repay me for all they had borrowed. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't simply about money; it was the whole concept of give-and-take these people had somehow conveniently been forgotten. I could do ten favors everyday for them... but the test... the test would be if I could get just one favor out them when I needed it. So, I turned the tables... started asking for a ride everywhere, asked to borrow clothing or other personal items, bummed cigarettes, requested small loans, hinted I needed help moving, begged for them to do my schoolwork, made comments such as "let's have the party at your place, this time," forgot my purse at a bar, gas station, restaurant, etc... all things I had NEVER done before (or since). Everyone had plenty of opportunity to return years worth of favors. Amazingly, everyone scored exactly the same on my little mooch test: ZERO. I could then systematically remove each bum from my life, without any regrets... and have a bigger bankroll to show for it.

That is a *really* good idea. I'm working on an article about dealing with moochers and I paraphrased this advice into a step:

"Turn the tables. Since there have been plenty of times when you helped them out, test them and see if they'll return the favor. Mooch off of them. "Forget" your wallet, ask them to loan you money, borrow their clothes, and see what happens. It may feel unnatural for you, but you might really discover your friend's true colors by doing this. Don't wait until you're really in a pinch, only to discover that many of your friends will leave you high and dry."

What do you think?

Abiqua · #8 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 12:33 PM

Here are some other ideas, based on my own experience:

Joke around about their "absentmindedness". For example, if your friend chronically "forgets" her wallet, assume that she will do so the next time you go out to dinner. Before you leave for the restaurant, smile and poke fun: "You sure you've got your wallet this time?" If they want to borrow something that probably isn't going to get returned, you can say something to the effect of "Pretty soon you're going to have my entire wardrobe!" Maintain a cheery disposition - the moocher should register that you're onto them, although that's not always enough to make them stop.

At a restaurant, ask for separate checks when you order. If the moocher tends to not order anything, but then picks incessantly at your dish, cough lightly on your food and say something like "You might not want to eat these nachos...I think I might be getting the flu. Why don't I order you a separate dish?" When you order, ask for that dish to be on a separate check. If your friends might think that's poor etiquette, say something like "I'm writing it off as a business expense; I have to have separate receipts in case I screw up and get audited!"

Assign the moocher a fair share in advance. If you're planning a road trip or dinner party, sketch out who will bring what. Make a list, and ask the mooching friend what he or she will bring. If they lament their financial situation, empathize and ask them to bring one of the less expensive items, or suggest that they cook something (which is always cheaper, but at least it requires effort). Once moochers see their names on a list, it won't be as easy to skimp. Just make sure that whatever they're responsible for bringing, they're the only ones responsible for it, so that if they don't, it'll be noticeable to everyone involved.

PrincessPerky · #9 (**permalink**) 10-04-2008, 12:32 PM

I think I might be the mooch, not on purpose (though when I lived in my car eons ago, maybe)

But here's the thing, I ask for a ride, I offer (or leave in the car) gas money. I ask to borrow a thing I offer 'rent'. but no one ever asks for a ride off me, or to borrow anything. (I try to return item with baked goods instead)

Part of it is I haven't anything interesting to borrow

.

So the next time you think you might have a mooch, do ask them for something they are capable of. Don't ask for an expensive evening dress if the only time you have seen them in one is your own. instead ask to skip dinner out when they stop by for the ride.

Also sometimes consider if paying there way makes the meal better than eating alone. I used to pay for a fellow because I knew he couldn't afford it and I didn't want to skip meals out just cause I couldn't find a proper 'sugar daddy'.