Mom constantly trying to loan me money

[Shaabenanizer]

The past 3 years my mom has been trying to loan me money with no interest. Long story short we don’t have a good relationship because she is a diagnosed sociopath. I’m just glad she is frugal and smart with her investment so she can live in secure comfort. I view her loan offers as attempt at control or an excuse to be part of my life as she’s getting old and she’s without friends. Up until now it’s been easy to turn down her loans. But recently I found out my autistic sister (I’m her legal guardian) needs dental work that could cost $10,000 to $15,000. If I use my EF it will “only” decrease my savings down to 4 months worth of living expenses and it will take a year or two to rebuild my EF back to 6 months of living expenses.

So…… raid 1/3 of my EF to pay my sister’s dental treatment, or grow an extra spine and accept the no-interest loan from my mom?

[Cassius King]

Originally Posted by Shaabenanizer

The past 3 years my mom has been trying to loan me money with no interest. Long story short we don’t have a good relationship because she is a diagnosed sociopath. I’m just glad she is frugal and smart with her investment so she can live in secure comfort. I view her loan offers as attempt at control or an excuse to be part of my life as she’s getting old and she’s without friends. Up until now it’s been easy to turn down her loans. But recently I found out my autistic sister (I’m her legal guardian) needs dental work that could cost $10,000 to $15,000. If I use my EF it will “only” decrease my savings down to 4 months worth of living expenses and it will take a year or two to rebuild my EF back to 6 months of living expenses.

So…… raid 1/3 of my EF to pay my sister’s dental treatment, or grow an extra spine and accept the no-interest loan from my mom?

I would use my own EF before entering into that situation.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Do everything you can to avoid entanglement.

Is there a dental school within, say, 400 miles of you? If you could get the work done there, I think you could get a huge discount, enough to pay for motel stays. Arrange to have much work done in one day so as to minimize the travel.

Have you tapped into autism support networks to see if anyone has any connections or knowledge of dentists who would work with you on the price, given the situation?

Does your sister have any public aid for dental work lined up? That might reduce your expenses some, but might increase your time spent getting the care, especially as it can be very hard to even find a dentist who accepts Medicaid/Medicare.

[Shaabenanizer]

Cassius King and Joan of Arch, you’re right that I should do everything to avoid further emotional and manipulative entanglements. She’s my mom and the rare times she controls her behavior or say the right things are enough crumbs to feed that black hole of hope for a “mom” when in reality she’s no different from a stranger.

My sister needs bite reconstruction treatment because she worn down her teeth from grinding and her mental condition makes it impossible to stop that behavior. I’ve been training her for 30 years to close the bathroom door and she won’t do it on her own device. None of the certified specialists I found within a 30 mile radius accepts Medicaid and I’m leery of using less expensive dentists. But as you suggest, I’ll keep looking and I really need to return to the autism support network to get their thoughts and experiences.

[bjl584]

I'm assuming that your sister has no type of insurance through either you or SSI?

If you do need to pay out of pocket, then I am with the others. Shop around for the service.

I am also with the others in that you should not accept a loan from your Mom if you don't have a good relationship with her, and if you feel that she is making some type of power play. Use your own money. You have the means.

[disneysteve]

Why not just have your mom pay for your sister's medical/dental care directly without involving you in the picture?

[bjl584]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

Why not just have your mom pay for your sister's medical/dental care directly without involving you in the picture?

From what OP said, it sounds like Mom is trying to make a powerplay. She loans him money, then he is beholden to her for however long it takes to pay her back. The constant badgering and complaining about the money that he owes her would make her feel powerful and in control. Simply paying for the medical procedure on her part would not make her feel that way, because nobody would owe her anything. That would be my guess. If this is true, it's a shame that a mother would think this way toward their children.

[Shaabenanizer]

Bil584, you are absolutely correct on both posts. The SSI only covers basic necessity and I provide monthly stipends so my sister can have some quality of life. My own insurance doesn’t cover that type of dental procedure and even if it does and she’s on my insurance, it could effect her Medicaid Waiver entitlements which enables her to keep living in the community and not in an institution.

In spite of mom's comfortable wealth, she frequently give gifts she brought from Dollar Stores and expects eternal gratitude and servitude in return, and go absolutely ballatisic when she doesn’t get it (dad is worse but as far as I’m concern he is his second family’s problem). It took me a long time to realize that it’s not personal, how she treats her children is the same in how she treats people in general; she makes no exceptions for us.

[bjl584]

Originally Posted by Shaabenanizer

Bil584, you are absolutely correct on both posts. The SSI only covers basic necessity and I provide monthly stipends so my sister can have some quality of life. My own insurance doesn’t cover that type of dental procedure and even if it does and she’s on my insurance, it could effect her Medicaid Waiver entitlements which enables her to keep living in the community and not in an institution.

In spite of mom's comfortable wealth, she frequently give gifts she brought from Dollar Stores and expects eternal gratitude and servitude in return, and go absolutely ballatisic when she doesn’t get it (dad is worse but as far as I’m concern he is his second family’s problem). It took me a long time to realize that it’s not personal, how she treats her children is the same in how she treats people in general; she makes no exceptions for us.

From personal experience I would advise you not to get caught up in your Mom's games. Just shop around for the best price and pay for the procedure yourself. You will feel alot better for doing so. It sounds like you are fairly good with money. Just take comfort in knowing that each month you will have the disipline to replenish your savings account.

[Petunia 100]

I'm not clear on who is reponsible for the sister. Who is her guardian?

[Shaabenanizer]

Petunia, I'm the legal guardian which means I make all decisions regarding her care and other needs, our parents have absolutely no right or say in the matter. Since I am 100% legally responsible for my sister I almost never ask for financial contributions from our parents for her. A small snippet of me say they are her mom and dad, they should do something for her, hence my occasional lapse when they wave money and strings in front of me.

[Petunia 100]

Oh, I read it wrong! I read "I am not her legal guardian", but you said the opposite. Doh!

If your mom is willing to pay some of the cost herself, great. If she is "lending" you money, I would pass.

Kudos to you for stepping up to the plate and being responsible for your sister.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by Shaabenanizer

None of the certified specialists I found within a 30 mile radius accepts Medicaid

I would call your local Medicaid office and find out who does accept it. There's no way you should have to pay that kind of money out of pocket.

[HousingCounselor]

Sometimes you can't put a price on peace of mind. I saw you mentioned in another post that you had already started saving for her dental work. Even though you have to go through it sooner than later, at least you'll have your sanity. Good Luck!!

[bennyhoff]

Is there another person you can go to as a middle-man, so to speak? Say another sibling that can get in her grill and tell her she has the money, so she should spend it for once on her daughter? Keeps you out of it, but potentially getting some help for once? I'm not the religous type, but if she is maybe you can talk to someone at her church where it will at least shame her into doing something? Relative or no, I have no compunctions against airing out dirty laundry in cases like this.

[DebbieL]

I would avoid all contact with a sociopathic mother if possible - and I certainly wouldn't take any "loan" from her. Wow, your childhood must have been rough - I'm very sorry. It sounds like you turned out great in spite of your parents. Sociopaths are no picnic

[Shaabenanizer]

Steve, thanks, I’ll do that!

HousingCounselor, a peace of mind really is priceless. It’s a battle between the mind and the heart’s never ending desire to have a mother (and a father).

Benny, unfortunately no, seeing that she driven off friends with her entitled and demanding behavior. I’m pretty sure it’s why she’s acting “nice” lately with offers of no-interest loans.

Debbie, yup it’s no picnic that’s for sure! Thank you for the very kind words. I did learn money management from them in a strange sort of way, starting with hording money as a kid because I knew I couldn’t depend on them.

Travis, it is toxic and it nearly caused my second sister to have a nervous breakdown. That should have been my wake up call, but …..