Financially irresponsible

[questions]

I have just recently ended a 17 year friendship with a woman, who is turning 40 years old in August, due to the fact that she is the true "epitome" of the enabled adult child in my opinion. Her parent's constant enabling (financially and emotionally) allows her to consistently make poor choices that are detrimental to her and to her children. I also know that I too have been enabling her by always coming to her rescue though she lives 5 hrs away from me in another state. I finally realize that this woman will never get her life together and be able to stand on her own two feet. Her life WILL continue to be filled with chaos and problems!

She has had two miserable marriages with men who have abused her and her children: emotionally, physically and sexually. She has had a boyfriend do the same, and though my "friend's" daughter told her mother about the abuse (with both men), my "friend" did nothing. She just gave birth to the 2nd soon to be ex-husband's daughter (he doesn't even claim the child), and he was molesting her daughter from her 1st marriage. To make matters worse, she didn't leave him- he left her for her other "best friend" after beating her up while she was pregnant.

For the last 10 years her parents have been financially paying through the nose through her marriages and her divorces (as have I). Her brother spends much of his spare time trying to help her keep up with her home. She has a job, but doesn't even make $30K a year and thus cannot afford 3 children. None of the father's of her children pay child support and that's Ok with her, because her parents keep paying her bills, and she has been able to count on me financially as well.

She also has a hoarding problem. In January of this year, I paid $8K to have her home cleaned out and deep cleaned so that DHR would not take away her children. She also has many animals including 2 wolves that she allows around her children and which are dangerous. The cats pee and poop everywhere. I even found out from the lady in charge of the hoarding clean-up that my "friend's" daughter had cat feces in her bed and the child had obviously been sleeping in it for a long time! This child is 11 years old, and I find it very disturbing that she thinks sleeping in cat poop is OK.

I just visited this "friend" for the birth of the baby, and found myself deep cleaning the house, washing all the clothes, bedding, etc in order to get ready for the new baby. She even asked me to be in the room for the C-Section! I then brought her 2 children home with me for 10 days so that she could focus on the baby. This last stint cost me another $3K.

During the time that her children were with me, her Mom and Aunt stayed with her constantly, bringing her food and attending to her every whim. The entire time her children were with me, I spoke to her once on the phone and all she could say was how depressed she was.

Her 9 year old son obviously has problems (how could he not), some of which were exhibited at my home by his violent outbursts including throwing a full coke can at my living room walls, pooping on the floor of my bathroom (then rubbing it into the rug and towel and not even telling me about it- I walked into the bathroom and found the mess), and throwing my 3 pound dog across the room so that she landed on her head!

Needless to say, having her children stay with me was no "joy ride" and I couldn't wait for them to leave. I also fell behind on my business due to the 2 weeks I spent attending to her and her children. Sadly, my "friend" did not even have the decency to tell me that the children made it home safely nor to thank me for keeping them for 2 weeks.

I also found out through her mother, that the wolves are now back at her home. She had just gotten rid of the wolves, but after one of them "put his mouth around a child's head", the couple that took the wolves immediately brought them back.

I realize this friend did not tell me that the wolves were back, because she knew I would not approve. She only tells me what she wants me to know, and when she wants me to know it. Usually, I find everything out after a disaster has occurred and then I run to her rescue. I now see such behavior on the part of my "friend" as very manipulative and I like her parents have been "enabling" her for too long.

After some very choice words, I have ended our friendship. Her mother then sent me an awful message making me the "bad guy", calling me "abusive" to her daughter, and telling me that her daughter is depressed and I'm lucky that I didn't cause her to lose her milk supply for the baby! Her mother also doesn't see a problem with the wolves being back as the children "love the dogs"!

I am now angry and resentful. I am fearful for the future of her children. I see the wolves as another extension of the dangerous situations that my "friend" puts her children in. This time it's not an abusive man, it's wild animals, but I guess I'm the only one who sees it like this. I feel terrible and helpless and I only want what's best for my "friend" and her children. However, I realize I don't have the emotional energy nor can I or should I keeping helping her financially. I'm not a psychologist, but I don't think she'll ever change, and I'm not really helping her, I've been enabling her. . . .

[maat55]

Stop talking to her. Get on with your life. There are many more like her, you cannot save her or the children.

[snafu]

I presume caring for her children and friend's response has been a huge eye opener. Sadly there is nothing constructive you can do about the situation but release your anger and feelings of resentment. Both money spent and emotional support you gave so generously must be accepted as sunk funds.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Report her to CPS now. Sorry but why would you turn a blind eye?

[Coronet]

Agreed! Turn her into the CPS! If she wants to mess up her life that's fine, but get the kids out of there!

[StudentRN]

What a mess! Out of all that money spent and support lent, no one has gotten this woman into therapy?? I certainly don't blame you for doing what you did. I've been in a similar situation (although the people involved were not so trashy and hurtful to others), and unfortunately, I think the only solution is to cut your losses and bail before anything worse happens. Those poor children!

[bjl584]

You did the best thing that you could have done. You got away from her. She was never truly your friend anyway. She was just using you. Now go make some new quality friendships.

[wincrasher]

Wow! Chaos breeds chaos.

Friendship is not a one-way street. People you choose to be friends also have to give you back something (emotionally, that is). People who just take from you and drain you need to be cut loose.

Everyone should seek tranquility in their life. Relationships should be constantly building to something better and better. Not cause you anquish. Occasional drama is not a terrible thing, if it gets you to a better place. This case is the opposite of that. You did the right thing.

[timbuckley10]

You should not feel guilty or blame yourself for trying to care for her. It seems your help may not be paying off as far as changing her goes. If doing what is best for her entails not being a source financially for her (which in my opinion it does) then you will have to accept your role as the bad guy according to her and her mother but be strong in your convictions to remind yourself that you are doing the right thing despite how they may make you feel.

[creditcardfree]

I suggest calling Child Protective Services in her state and report her. Her children deserve better. It is time to cut yourself off from her. You have done enough.

[asmom]

Your friend is mentally ill which is why her parents continue to take care of her. She's sick and she is their responsibility. However despite that her children are living under horrible circumstances. You cannot just walk away clean from this without taking more action. For the love of God, call CPS!!!

[dawnwes]

She truly needs more help than you are able to give her.

Whoever threatened her to take away her children that had you stepping in and paying the $8K in the first place, call them back and explain what is going on now.

Those children are indeed in danger if there are dangerous animals in the home.

Dawn

[ckepley]

I would say break the bond. It may be hard to do but as some have already said.....there are many more in the sea. The poor decision making will effect you if you continue to be friends and she may find you as a shoulder to lean on. That is all okay when you have a woman friend who is of quality "friend" material. Sounds like she is needing to change herself and change the situation for her kids first before she brings you into her problems and if your just observing these things and she hasn't brought her problems into your relationship then gradually take a step back and see what happens. The fact that you are probably a good friend is going to make her want to indirectly bring her problems on you though. I have been in this situation before and it's too much to bare if it effects you now.

[sternchen]

you've done more than enough for her

it's high time she helps herself

for the sake of the children

don't feel guilty

you have a pure heart

as i see and i think that the Lord will help you move on

it's not easy to end a friendship but your wounds will heal soon