Need advice

[Iteach]

I'd been married for 21 years and my husband and I have two sons. We make a good living (about $100K a year). We have a sizable emergency fund and we definitely live below our means. My husband is what I would consider a miser. He gripes about the boys getting haircuts, eating out once a week (usually about $20 a week), etc. We never take trips to the beach or other activities because it entails having to pay for parking and entrance fee. As a result, throughout our marriage, I'd had to lie to him about everything that has to do with money, just to keep the peace. Now, with the boys being older, I find myself resenting him more and more about his cheap ways. We are constantly feuding about every little thing and I can honestly say that my patience has worn thin and my desire to remain in this marriage is in jeopardy. I've tried to speak to him about this but he says that I'm exaggerating things and attacking him. This is beginning to take a toll on my well-being and I'm not the person I used to be. What should I do?

[krantcents]

This is not a personal finance issue! I would suggest counseling. There has to be compromise in a marriage and that extends beyond money issues. Good luck.

[disneysteve]

The two of you need to sit down together and make a budget that you are both comfortable with. What you've been doing sounds pretty dysfunctional if you've been consistently lying to him about what was being spent.

[kork13]

wow, that sounds alot like my parents--to the point where it's almost creepy.

My father is also one who hates spending money if it's not absolutely required, and my mother wants to use money for enjoyment. Don't get me wrong, my father will too, but he's just very selective of what he'll spend money on. So what they started doing a number of years ago (no idea when, really) was my parents each set up a separate account for their personal money use. They both received an "allowance" from the joint account that their paychecks both went to.

My mother used her separate account for whatever she wanted, and my father didn't see or have to worry about it (too much). My father mostly just saved his 'allowance', except to use it for whatever random purchases/trips/events he decided were "worth it." There were still occasional disagreements on how my mother used her money, but having it come from "her money" kept the disagreements limited. Maybe it's not the perfect arrangement, but it worked for my parents and kept the peace better than my father being able to scrutinize her every expenditure.

You really just need to sit down and figure out a way to make your finances work for both of you. Figure out what's important to you both, and what you can do to make everything happen the way you want it. The key word here is COMPROMISE!

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by kork13

kept the peace better than my father being able to scrutinize her every expenditure.

In this case, though, it sounds like the husband has no contact with the finances if OP has been able to "lie to him about everything that has to do with money" for 21 years. He must not be paying any attention at all to what they do or do not have or else she couldn't hide everything from him. Were they working together to manage their money, that couldn't happen.

[snafu]

If money is the only issue, there are a great many ways to try out until it gets resolved. If you wish to separate, start taking steps to establish yourself financially, ask friends that you trust for referral to a lawyer, do not discuss personal problems with your work colleagues as that can jeopardize employment in these trying times. Open a new, password protected hotmail account and look at internet sites and discussion forums on separation and divorce.

[mcfroggin]

It does seem odd that the husband is so up-tight about money but is not aware of expenditures for years. Mutually deciding on a budget may be helpful.

[Hector]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

The two of you need to sit down together and make a budget that you are both comfortable with.

^ this