Would you deny your children something they've already been getting?

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

If you were living very close to the bone for whatever reason....

For the sake of getting out of debt, for the sake of saving for your own elder years, for the sake of accumulating an emergency fund, would you tell your kids "nope, you can't have or do that anymore"?

Say your child was really into competitive swimming for the last four years, but you needed a new roof and did not have the money, would you tell your child that she could no longer go to swim meets?

If the money needed to repair the leaky water line to the house were equivalent to your 2nd child's senior trip to Disney World --a trip which your year older child got to take last year-- and you had no other cash, would you tell him, that you were sorry, but you just couldn't afford the trip?

If your child was used to having a favorite after school snack that cost you $10 a week, and that is 80% of what your budget is short on for the newly raised daycare fees (needed so you could work) for the toddler, would you find a cheaper way to provide a snack, even if your child grumped and complained, seriously not liking the snack as much?

If one day it occurred to you that you still had not started any retirement savings, yet you sacrificed all your own pleasures while your 11 year old was given her own monthly clothing budget sufficient to never feel like she were in the lower third of dressers in her peer group, she was provided money for band uniforms and band travel, she had private music lessons besides, she participated in two other after school dues-paying kids' groups for which you provided frequent transportations, you subscribed to cable specifically for her, she took presents to an average of eight friends' birthday parties per year, and you bought her every book she desired from her school's monthly bookclub...would you consider cutting back on these things you really wanted her to have in order to put something aside for retirement?

[maat55]

I personally, would find a way(second job, extra work) to both first, then cut child luxuries if necessary. This is one of the ways you teach them to be responsible. They may not like it now, but they usually thank you later.

I don't begrudge my mom or dad for not buying me a car or paying for my school activities. I've been working since I was 14, it has served me well to get what I want myself.

[cschin4]

Life isn't an "either/or". I think there are things you can cut back on and explain to your child that you need to reprioritize your spending. But, you also don't have to take everything away from your kids either. There are many ways to do and and enjoy the things you want to do. Your child could earn money on a paper route, save money from grandma, sell more stuff, etc.
And, find out what your child really likes versus not so much. If he really likes swimming, are there ways to pay this bill. Or, is it just something to do and could your chils have just as much fun swimming at the y? And, don't make it seem like a bad thing. For whatever snack he likes, who about learning to make some new snacks?? Make it fun. Go to the library and get a cookbook and make it fun.
And, I enjoy spending on my kids. So, i don't mind not having some other things so that they can do things. I don't think i will regret time spend with my kids going to their events and watching them to compete. But, I think you can definately cut back, but be creative and make it fun and a challenge versus something that is a downer.
But, one point, don't put all the financial stress and burden on a young child. Don't
find yourself saying constantly "we can't afford it"to your kid. That will make your child very anxious and uneasy. Teach your child about good planning, saving, spending and earning. And, then allow him to enjoy when you do spend and not teach him to wring his hands or be constantly worried.

[ktmarvels]

I think it really depends on the situation. I would be more hesitant to take away competitive swimming from a child than taking away their favorite after school snack. A child may get a college scholarship for his/her swimming abilities, but as long as the child is getting fed, it doesn't have to be their absolute favorite food.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by Joan.of.the.Arch

If one day it occurred to you that you still had not started any retirement savings, yet you sacrificed all your own pleasures while your 11 year old was given her own monthly clothing budget sufficient to never feel like she were in the lower third of dressers in her peer group, she was provided money for band uniforms and band travel, she had private music lessons besides, she participated in two other after school dues-paying kids' groups for which you provided frequent transportations, you subscribed to cable specifically for her, she took presents to an average of eight friends' birthday parties per year, and you bought her every book she desired from her school's monthly bookclub...would you consider cutting back on these things you really wanted her to have in order to put something aside for retirement?

I'd say this is one seriously messed up household with totally screwed up dynamics and chain of command. The child is clearly in charge of this family with the parents having handed over any semblance of authority. Subscribed to cable TV "specifically for her"? "Bought her every book she desired" from the book club? That's insane. Some parents need to grow a backbone and learn to say one very simple but powerful word - NO!

I can't say that I'd cut back on all of that stuff because I would never have allowed that situation to develop in the first place so there'd be nothing to cut. My wife and I are the parents. We decide how OUR money gets spent. We love our daughter dearly and I'll be the first to say we are sometimes overly generous with her, but it is always our decision, not hers.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Just in case it isn't clear this is all just make-believe. I'm not talking about any real family and meant each of those examples to represent different families.

I do, however, think I've seen families who seem to try not to deny their kids anything, despite the effect on the finances.

[jpg7n16]

Originally Posted by Joan.of.the.Arch

If one day it occurred to you that you still had not started any retirement savings, yet you sacrificed all your own pleasures while your 11 year old was given her own monthly clothing budget sufficient to never feel like she were in the lower third of dressers in her peer group, she was provided money for band uniforms and band travel, she had private music lessons besides, she participated in two other after school dues-paying kids' groups for which you provided frequent transportations, you subscribed to cable specifically for her, she took presents to an average of eight friends' birthday parties per year, and you bought her every book she desired from her school's monthly bookclub...would you consider cutting back on these things you really wanted her to have in order to put something aside for retirement?

Just for the sake of discussion, I'd like to address this situation specifically - because this is what my parent's did. So it's kinda personal for me.

Essentially, my parents loved us a lot - and wanted us to always have the best, no matter the cost. Sports, band, lessons, activities, trips, birthday and christmas gifts, whatever. To their own detriment, they did not save up enough for retirement, because they made a simple mistake of focusing on now, instead of also preparing for the future. And just to clarify, these weren't always things we asked for (sometimes didn't even want) - many of them were just ways they felt they could give us gifts to show that they loved us. (the truth is, we knew they loved us even without any of the gifts)

Then one day my dad lost his job, and they're in a very rough position today, because of the lack of savings.

Looking back, I see that the things that my parents did that let us know they loved us didn't really cost any money at all. Just being there, playing games with us, laughing over dinner. I wish they would have done less for us, and saved up more for themselves.

So if this is your situation - your kids will one day wish you cut back on some of these things that no longer matter to them.


And so to answer this question - yes I would cut back on those things, and make sure our retirement savings were taken care of first.

[Frugal]

Yes, I would say no to my kids if it meant paying off debt more aggressively. Saving money is more important now than ever before.

[debtfreeme]

Of Course. It is in the best interest of the family, not one child.

[happygirl]

I actually know someone who is like this. She's a single mom and the dad has paid very little child support over the years. She didn't want the kids to be punished for their father's behavior so she made up the difference even though she couldn't afford it. I gave up trying to give advice a long time ago because of the tension it put on our friendship. Now I just listen and feel sad for her.