Financial Problems With Husband

[questions]

I am on a passionate quest to live as close to a financially-free life as possible. Got one hiccup though - my husband. Not to bore you with too many details but my husband grew up somewhat poor and lived in a one-bedroom house with his father. He had to walk everywhere and get jobs at an early age. On the other hand - I grew up fortunate where my parents provided for most of their kids' needs, we didn’t have to get a job until college, and they paid for college as long as we maintained good grades, etc., etc.

Since being married, he wants to live the good life and feels we should live in the moment regardless of our debt in credit cards, student loans, cars, mortgage, and kids. We pay over $400/mth in what I call entertainment (cable, phone, internet, cell) and then $63/mth in the gym, $20/mth in Sirius radio, and golf season is about to start and he wants to play as much as he did when he was single (6 yrs ago) so about $200/mth. Lastly - he already gets $200/pyck for spending money. We get paid 2x/mth. I think we live outside our means. Our expenses are more than our income

Unfortunately - I don’t believe the same. I am fine with basic cable. One phone, no sirius, workout at home, etc because I do not get $200 a paycheck to do what I want so I get resentful. I work a full time job at home as well as keep our 4yr old twins home 2x's/week to help save money. We have tried discussing this but he just says that he isnt going to give up things but I feel like I am doing all the sacrificing. Any ideas on how to get him to see my point of view???

Any guidance is much appreciated!!

[jpg7n16]

well if you workout at home, there's no sense in paying for a gym membership. If you didn't work out at home, I'd recommend keeping the membership - but why pay for something you don't use, you know?

as far as how to get his attention - I'm not really sure. The only thing I could think of was to ask him about how you guys will live 30 years from now. Do you have any retirement savings? How can you play golf in retirement when we don't have any money saved up for it? what is his plan for the future?

Some people think that the future will just work itself out somehow - and don't make any plan for it today. They think they'll have all this retirement money saved up - but they're not saving for retirement. I'm not sure how that works, but in their mind, that's just how it is.


You sound like you could really use marriage counseling though. You don't have a money issue, you have a marriage issue.

[emanon1501]

Create a budget spreadsheet that shows all the incomes and the expenses, and clearly show that you are living beyond your means. Show him that.

Also, create retirement plan to show him what it would be like to retire with no money and to retire with money.

Talking to someone does not always help, but use visual aids to paint the picture and that could make an impact that you are looking for.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by questions

Since being married, he wants to live the good life and feels we should live in the moment regardless of our debt in credit cards, student loans, cars, mortgage, and kids. We pay over $400/mth in what I call entertainment (cable, phone, internet, cell) and then $63/mth in the gym, $20/mth in Sirius radio, and golf season is about to start and he wants to play as much as he did when he was single (6 yrs ago) so about $200/mth. Lastly - he already gets $200/pyck for spending money. We get paid 2x/mth. I think we live outside our means. Our expenses are more than our income

I agree with all the others with one exception. Don't list this as a "budget." The word has defensive connotations built into it, and since your work is not producing $'s (directly as income -- your work produces "savings" that he spends), the approach I suggest is as follows:

1) List out current dollar income per month
2) List out current expenditures per month per item
3) Show the amount that you as a familiy are in the hole each and every month.

Sit down with him and show him. Calmly explain that this is a fear you have for the future of your family.

Explain that the money he wants to spend is yours as well, because each and every day you work hard at home to provide services that both of you would have to pay for outside help, if you were not already doing that job of providing a home for him and the children.

The approach should never be, his spending, his money, his "right"; if that's the approach, then it will become an arguement.

It should not be an argument, it should be communication of how you feel about they way things are going. How you feel about the future direction of the economy and the fact that already expenses do not meet income.

Ask him how he thinks you all should change as a family so that all of you can meet your current expenses and actaully maybe have some left over to plan for future needs as well.

You live on the border of depending on him and his income; anything that happens to him, his job, means more than the "falling" of just him. Don't fall into the hole.

[MrPolarZero]

budget your money. Make sure that each of you puts in their shares on the daily household expenses.

[cschin4]

What are your goals in living as frugally as possible? Perhaps he cannot see what the ultimate purpose is. And, we all know people who have spent their lives squireling away as much as possible only to wind up losing it, becoming seriously ill, etc and then it is gone. You might have more success in saving for vacations, etc for things that are fun for him, you and the family and he might do better with shorter term goals.
But, in reality, you have to decide that you are together and he pretty much has a different approach to life than you do and that isn't likely to change. You can work on goals together but realize that he isn't going to see the light necessarily. In the long run, is he a good husband, good father and good provider? Do the pros outweigh the cons? If so, then building up resentments toward him are not going to be worth the damage it does to your relationship and your family. Money comes and goes and in the long run, it isn't what is important. You cannot and will not ever have or hold enough money to feel secure. It can all disappear tomorrow. But, you can take steps to put some away, save. If he is s[ending beyond your means and running up debts, that is one thing, but if he is just enjoying the fruits of your labors, that is another.

[MrPolarZero]

This one is going to be a tricky situation. Considering what he had to go through during his younger years, he most likely knows very well the essence of living frugal. So you really need to talk and try to understand each other's point of view in order to settle the matter.

[EEinNJ]

This is the classic scarcity vs. abundance conflict. The husband who was poor doesn't want to feel that way again (even if in reality he is because of debt). The wife, who's always been affluent, doesn't want to lose it to debt and overspending. The more she tries to clamp down, the more he'll push back.

No easy answer, but a few strategies: "Mine, his, & ours"- a common pot for your family expenses, and you each have discretionary funds. Another way would be to pick small areas where you do have control and won't make him feel deprived , and exercise your frugality there. This may help keep your resentment in check. In a larger sense, you have to create reasons, a vision, why you want to save, to get "buy in".

[littleroc02us]

Two things that seem strange, #1 he can buy what he wants, but you can't #2 He gets an allowance and you don't? Something wrong with this marraige. My wife and I get the same amount a month for spending money with no questions asked and I make 30% more than she does. When your married everything is equal financially.

[97guns]

living beyond ones means is habit forming, you have to break the cycle and its very difficult to do. usually people who live this lifestyle can not see beyond tomorrow in terms of finances and dropping $200 a month for golf and $65 for the gym is a necessity to them even if it must be financed.

if you can somehow get him to save, you and him will see that saving can a very fun pastime that can actually become addictive. it is the only way you will secure the future for yourselves and your twins.

[snafu]

Marriage counselors confirm conflicts about money is the number 1 issue. Your description leaves an impression of a petulant teenager who you wish would 'man-up' to his responsibilities as a husband and father of twins. Is DH spending to to fill a space because he still sees himself as a deprived youngster? Frankly, no amount of spending will make him feel affluent. What other things can be done/said to elevate his self esteem?

If DH responds well to visuals, I suggest big, poster sz. flip chart using colorful SHARPIES to present 'thermometer' looking pages showing how much interest was paid to carry debt in 2010...house, car, CCs, student loan etc. Use play money if you must but show him visually that you might as well stand outside and burn money for the use/benefit to the family when it goes to pay interest!

Many modern couples are allocating income based on earning percentages. That requires allocating the same percentage but different sums to each expense like mortgage,loans, CC utilities, food, transportation etc. If DH has a defined pension, he can fund his retirement at a lower level; if he has a matching plan from his employer that's a good starting point. I am presuming you have already started your program.

You didn't mention Emergency Fund and it's yet another aspect that needs attention. If DH's eyes glaze over or any/all discussion of finance results in arguments, bad feelings, walk-outs, I suggest using a mediator or counselor or bank financial officer who can take emotion out of the mix and keep focus on $$$.

[DebbieL]

Originally Posted by littleroc02us

Two things that seem strange, #1 he can buy what he wants, but you can't #2 He gets an allowance and you don't? Something wrong with this marraige. My wife and I get the same amount a month for spending money with no questions asked and I make 30% more than she does. When your married everything is equal financially.

I don't think that's true for all of us. DH gets $200 "blow on anything" money each month, while I only take $60. This is because I know he's much more of a spender than I am, and if I tried to restrict him to what I spend the whole plan would fall apart. I could take more to spend if I wanted, but I honestly don't want to. This way we can both live with it.

[KennySoward]

There is a lot of very good advice here, esp Seeker. This is one of the hardest situations, especially if you are the woman and are sacrificing your ongoing education and/or job experience to raise the family while he brings in the "bread."

I agree with the approach of putting it all down in a simple spreadsheet and focusing on positive goals, but then always going back to the expense sheet to discuss exactly how you will make this happen. Baby steps. If you can get him to cut one negative spending habit for a positive result, he may realize that budgeting actually allows you to have more money to spend.

Just make sure you have some plans to further your own education, take up some part-time work or something. Not just because of the extra money, but to keep yourself in the job market.

[jerrycates]

Sometimes if both parties would not cooperate on issues like this, none will emerge as the winner. Cooperate, help, work together. All the best.

[Frugal]

This is hard to do, but try to present financial spreadsheets to him, and real, hard facts to back it up. This is more common than you would think. I too stay at home, but I do not have any children. In this economy, I have cut back, and for entertainment, instead of using the theater, we use Netflix at eight dollars or nine per month. We don't rent movies as much anymore. My one weakness is eating out occasionally, no more than 1-2 times per month. Sometimes 3-4, if I am in a cooking funk. I am also on a quest to learn to cook inexpensive meals, beyond using coupons. I want to be able to cook once for a whole 3-4 days, and eat off those meals. This is not easy to do, however.

One way to save money on entertainment, is, as you know, to do everything as close to home at possible...whether taking the kids to a neighborhood library or park you can walk to, or simply staying at home and working out or watching basic cable. I would be okay with basic cable or getting rid of it, too (the company we use is not very friendly or honest to us, either!!), but my husband prefers to have a lot of channels when we works hard all week, and gets such little time for relaxation after being gone about 11 hours in a stressful job each day.

I realize it may sound simplistic, but try to compromise. Yes, that dreaded word in marriage! I have a college degree(s), too, but I have learned ways to cut my expenses, since I am not currently working after being laid off.

Most men seem to want to work out, and pay for a gym membership (mine, included). What he can do is lift weights at home, or you could try to find a free guest membership, or see if you can simply buy a one-time use pass..

Good luck!!