Financial concerns of starting a family

[neatdesign]

I have searched online for more information on this but haven't found any resources that have been particularly helpful.

Here's some background: I'm 38 and my husband is 39. We've been married for 7.5 years, and the biological clock is really started to tick. Both of us have wanted to have children eventually, but have put it off for a few reasons. By far the biggest reason is our concern regarding the financial aspects of having a child.

We don't make tons of money (about $40k/year combined). We can't afford to live on one income. We rent an apartment and do not own a home. (Actually, in 2 months we're moving to a larger [and more expensive] place; living in our current tiny apartment was one of the reasons we put off starting a family - no room!) We have two 10-year-old cars which are paid in full. We currently have about $8k in credit card debt (down from nearly $30k three years ago and still decreasing) which should be paid off completely by this time next year.

Here's what confuses us: There are millions of babies born each year to couples who are much worse off financially than we are but who don't seem concerned about being able to afford all of the expenses that come from having and raising those babies. How can that be?

There are lots of articles that talk about the lifetime costs of raising a child, or the first-year costs of having a baby. While these are helpful, they assume that you're already pregnant and/or have the money to pay for all of it. A lot of articles also encourage you to adjust to living on just one income, but we can't afford to do that.

Still more articles say, "Yes, having a child is expensive but it's all worth it." That's great, but to me that seems a bit irresponsible and unrealistic to say the least.

Basically, I just don't know how to get over the fear that having a baby will stretch our finances so thin that we would be putting ourselves in a hugely stressful situation. Have other people felt this way? And how do people get over this fear? What does it take to say, "The hell with it -- having a baby is more important to us than having financial stability"?

p.s. I apologize in advance if I'm not articulating my concerns very well. I haven't found any resources that address this so it's difficult to explain exactly what I'm talking about.

[disneysteve]

First, what you are thinking and feeling is totally normal. I'm sure most parents-to-be had similar thoughts before having their kids. I know we did.

As with most things in life, it is important to realize that what you read and hear in the media can be quite distorted. That figure about the cost of raising a child is entirely bizarre. We've discussed that here before. I have no idea how they arrive at that number. The most recent reported figure was $222,360 to age 18. That works out to $12,353/year. Now obviously, a couple earning $40,000/year can't possibly spend $12,353/year just on their child. That would be 31% of their income.

If you look at that report, one thing that jumps out is that of the $222,000, almost one-third, or $70,000 is for "housing". Now I don't know quite what that means but our housing costs didn't change a bit when we had a baby. We already owned our home.

As with so many things we talk about here, there are always ways to cut costs and do things cheaper than "they" would lead you to believe. My wife and I bought a number of items we needed for the baby secondhand at yard sales and consignment shops. I picked up a bassinet for $15 that I later saw in a baby catalog for $150. Not only that, but after our daughter outgrew it, I sold it at a yard sale for $20 so it cost us nothing - actually made a profit on the deal. Same goes for numerous other items. Plus, we got quite a few items as gifts from friends and family so those things also cost us nothing and we sold them when we were done with them (stroller, rocker, exersaucer, high chair, etc.). So those expenses didn't exist at all.

Another thing to realize is that having a baby will likely result in some changes to your lifestyle. You may go out to eat less often. You may travel less. You may give up some outside activities that you currently spend money on. Your priorities shift and that is perfectly natural as you go through different stages of life. So money gets reallocated from one place in your budget to another.

Having a kid does carry with it new costs but it doesn't have to break the bank. As you said, millions of babies are born each year and couples manage to raise them just fine. You work with what you've got. Babies really don't need much and they are just as happy with a "new" toy from Goodwill for $1.00 as they are with one from Toys-R-Us for $15.00 (trust me, our kid got plenty of those new-to-us toys).

[maat55]

I was earning 6 dollars an hour when our first baby was born(27 years ago)which was not very much money. We bought a 11k mobile home and drove our used vehicles into the ground. We lived on a very tight budget and DW earned extra money baby sitting.

We managed to have mom stay at home until the kids were in school. I worked evenings doing piece work on the side. Your husband may have to do the same. Don't worry about your current circumstances, just do it and adjust.

You should probably start building extra savings instead of paying off debt when you find out you are pregnant.

[neatdesign]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

The most recent reported figure was $222,360 to age 18. That works out to $12,353/year. Now obviously, a couple earning $40,000/year can't possibly spend $12,353/year just on their child. That would be 31% of their income.

You're pretty close to pinpointing our concern. We CAN'T afford $12k+/year on anything "voluntary" -- be it a child or a brand new car, etc. The difference between a child and a brand new car, of course, is that you might actually NEED to get a new car, but it doesn't necessarily have to be brand new. You can always get a cheaper, used car and it serves the same function and fulfills the same need.

But you don't NEED to have a baby... or do you? We're discovering that although we don't NEED to have a baby, we WANT to have one. So this comes down to needs vs wants. And it's hard for us to have the courage to dedicate that much money -- money we don't have -- towards a want, no matter how important and fulfilling it might be to our lives.

Again, I'm not sure I'm making any sense. It's just overwhelming to think of jumping into an endeavor so massively expensive, one which lasts a lifetime. I feel guilty for feeling this way and also angry that I can't stop myself from thinking about it so analytically.

[neatdesign]

Originally Posted by maat55

We managed to have mom stay at home until the kids were in school. I worked evenings doing piece work on the side. Your husband may have to do the same. Don't worry about your current circumstances, just do it and adjust.

You should probably start building extra savings instead of paying off debt when you find out you are pregnant.

Thanks. I actually make more money than my husband, plus I love my job (he hates his), so if either of us were to stay at home it would be him.

I should say that finances aren't the only reason we haven't tried starting a family. I have a lot of self-doubt, just afraid that I'd make all kinds of mistakes, that sort of thing. I don't have any experience with babies or children so it's actually quite a scary prospect. On the other hand, I know that my husband will make a great father and that we'll both regret not having children when we had the chance. But the emotional aspects of it are easier to overcome than the financial, I feel.

[MonkeyMama]

I don't think any one can answer this for you - you will get opinions on all sides. A very tough personal choice...

Though I agree with Disney Steve that the costs of kids is often way over-inflated, the fact is that it can be a very expensive prospect. What if you were disabled a long time while pregnant, or what if the child needs a lot of medical care for some reason?

As far as the finances, I think it just depends on your personality. Personally, I wouldn't have chosen to have kids in your shoes, BUT having kids was not that important to me and being financially sound and having a Plan A, B, C has always been VERY important to me.

All that said, since having kids, and the whole experience being harder than I imagined financially (even well prepared), the fact is that now that I have kids, the finances don't matter so much. I've significantly lowered my financial goals over the years, in exchange for more time for my kids. Not having kids would have been the stupidest choice of my life - had I made it. (But many others will tell you the opposite - having kids was a bad choice).

Basically, I see both sides of the coin. As long as you can feed and clothe and shelter your children though, and maybe some sort of public Aide is Plan B if something went wrong. I don't necessarily think it would be foolish to have kids in your shoes. I certainly know people who raised families on their own, with far less.

I suppose, if kids are that important to you, extra work might be on the horizon, and realizing that kids don't *need* a lot of room (bigger apartment would be a want, but not necessary - especially early on). I know many moms who baby sit or did daycare, to make ends meet. It helps to think outside the box and think about other things you can do to make this happen.

All of the above said, you are almost 40. While you are gearing yourself up to fight for what you want, I also think it's important to be realistic and realize it may be too late. Maybe you can justify having a biological child, naturally, but what if it comes to fertility treatments? Just, something to think about and prepare yourself for. I know too many younger people making that choice, and spending a fortune just to get pregnant, and so it comes to the front of my mind.

[cschin4]

" That's great, but to me that seems a bit irresponsible

Not at all. In reality. we simply cannot predict the future. You can make the best of plans and they can go awry. If you have reasonable resources and can feed and cloth yourselves and heat your home, then you have MORE than enough to welcome a new baby. Don't wait if it is something you really want. The chances of conceiving go down drastically after 35 or so.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by neatdesign

You're pretty close to pinpointing our concern. We CAN'T afford $12k+/year on anything "voluntary" -- be it a child or a brand new car, etc. The difference between a child and a brand new car, of course, is that you might actually NEED to get a new car, but it doesn't necessarily have to be brand new. You can always get a cheaper, used car and it serves the same function and fulfills the same need.

Exactly my point. While there are certainly costs involved in having a baby (food, diapers, wipes, clothing), there are lots of ways to minimize those costs. Just as you can minimize the cost of a car by buying used, you can buy a lot of baby stuff used. You can buy the crib, high chair, toys, bottles, clothing, etc. secondhand and save hundreds or thousands. Millions of people earning no more than you manage to raise a family every day. There may be some sacrifices necessary, but if having a baby is important to you, you won't mind the sacrifices.

[wrk4lvg]

This is a great topic. I to was thinking about this very subject the other night. My GF and I have been together for 3 years and my parents constantly bug us to have children. We both go to school. We both work two jobs. 92k between our two full time jobs and just over 100k adding the two p/t jobs. I was thinking that we couldn't afford to have kids. Then after reading this thread, I guess it's all relative. Both of our parents didn't have much when they started, but they did each own a home which is more than what we have to show for currently. Now 30 years later both of our parents are doing very well for themselves. I'm sure they never would have thought they would be doing so well.

That being said, go with your gut and if you do have kid(s), just remember they come first.

[littleroc02us]

Originally Posted by neatdesign

Here's what confuses us: There are millions of babies born each year to couples who are much worse off financially than we are but who don't seem concerned about being able to afford all of the expenses that come from having and raising those babies. How can that be?

There are lots of articles that talk about the lifetime costs of raising a child, or the first-year costs of having a baby. While these are helpful, they assume that you're already pregnant and/or have the money to pay for all of it. A lot of articles also encourage you to adjust to living on just one income, but we can't afford to do that.

Those are the same people that told us that the avergage wedding would cost $25k, ours including a very nice Honeymoon was only 7k. Most people are idiots and spend into oblivion on everything. Do you really need all brand new clothes for a child, do you need the latest crib or baby stroller. Thrift stores and outlet malls, craigslist and the classifieds can save you thousands. Do your research and have your children. God will bless you with what you need.

[elessar78]

You can't turn back the clock, as you know. You can always find ways to generate income.

We're in our first year of parenthood. I'd estimate the medical cost was about $1,000 out of pocket for a relatively straight forward pregnancy. My wife had a previa so there were extra sonograms. I'd say that it's about an extra $50 per week for us, but my wife likes to buy stuff that I deem "frivolous" for the baby. Formula can get expensive though, so make nursing work for you.

[neatdesign]

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to respond to my questions. I realize that every couple's circumstances are different, so ultimately it's up to us to figure it out. But getting these responses have really helped me to put things into perspective a bit better.

For a very long time now, I have resisted starting a family because I was waiting for when we would have a comfortable level of financial security (I don't mean rich, just more savings and less debt) and be more emotionally prepared to become parents. I realize now that we may NEVER have that level of financial comfort. We might just always be stretched a little thin in the money department. Meanwhile we just keep getting older, which is doing us no favors.

I'm still not 100% emotionally there, especially in terms of becoming a mother -- I don't have this burning desire to have a baby like some (most?) women do. But I'm getting there. I think I've been hiding behind the financial concerns of family planning as an excuse not to deal with my emotional fears of having a baby. But that's a whole other topic.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by neatdesign

I'm still not 100% emotionally there

I don't think we felt emotionally ready to have a kid until our daughter was about 3.
In fact, now that she is a teenager, I definitely don't feel emotionally up to the task some days.
Don't let that stop you.

[Bob B.]

Cloth diapering is another way (for us anyway) to cut baby expenses. We bought disposables for our first, until she was about 13 mos. Then we switched to cloth, and have used cloth exclusively for #2 and #3.

It helps that my wife is a seamstress, so we only needed to buy the materials, and not the diapers. But I'm sure you can find some good used cloth diapers, too. Maybe a bigger up front cost, but the savings in not buying disposables is significant.

[snshijuptr]

I would say do it, but with a caveat. The one thing you should be able to afford is proper medical care for Mom and baby. Prenatal vitamins, post delivery checkups, immunizations, etc should be a top priority. Thankfully Planned Parenthood, other women's clinics, and medicare can help with these aspects.

Also, I would evaluate your priorities and your ability to meet those goals. Would you rather be forced to retire for health reasons and rely on your child or be forced to retire for health reasons and rely on your savings? Would you rather retire at 65 without children or at 75 with children? These are a bit exaggerated, but since you are still debating if you want children, I would encourage you to really search your soul about your priorities.

Just FYI, I decided a while ago that I was unwilling to have children if it meant never retiring. I then decided that I only wanted children if I thought I could retire in my 60's. These were personal decisions. Thankfully my husband and I think we will be able to make both my retirement and our child goals.

Just make sure you have children because you feel comfortable. Don't put yourself in a position to resent your children for the sacrifices you made. Think the sacrifices through carefully and accept what you are prepared to do in order to have children.

Finally, ignore the "average cost" stuff from the internet. Go window shopping and make a baby budget of your own.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by snshijuptr

Finally, ignore the "average cost" stuff from the internet. Go window shopping and make a baby budget of your own.

This is so important to emphasize. Here's an example. I just looked up strollers on Amazon. The prices range from under $20 to over $1,000. Need a high chair? Those range from $35 to $500.

And, as I mentioned, there are always used options to consider and family hand-me-downs.

I think you have to be a special kind of stupid to spend $500 for a chair that your baby will only fit in for a year maybe and will spill food, juice, milk and bodily fluids on.

[ktacserv]

I laugh at myself replying to this post because I am in no way in good financial shape right now, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

I am part of a family of four. Husband and I, two children: ages 11 months and 22 months.

My husband and I do not make good money, we rent an apartment that is way too small for our family (all four of us sleep in one bedroom, if that gives you perspective). We don't have all of the things I thought we'd have when we had children - we don't have a home, we don't have "family vehicles"...heck, we feel we've hit the lottery each morning when our cars actually start. We did not plan to be in this situation. Both of our children were surprises. I thought we'd wait and have kids when we were older and more financially settled, when we were READY. We don't have emergency savings, we don't have college savings for our children.

I lost my job a year ago and was without work for a year. Just when we thought it could not get any worse, my daughter was diagnosed with a very rare disease which we are in treatment for, but the medical bills are outrageous - more than I could have ever imagined. We are on a sinking ship, basically, financially - and we have two children in tow as it goes down.

This is quite possibly the worst situation to have children in. The only thing I could imagine that would be worse is we got evicted and we were homeless. Luckily I do not think that will happen.

My husband and I do not regret having our children for one moment. We are scared, we are always scared and stressed out over money. It is slowly getting better, day by day. But one thing that our situation has taught us, is PERSPECTIVE. Sometimes that makes all of the difference.

Despite the hardships. Despite the fact that we cannot provide all of the things we imagined we'd be able to give our children, we do not have the home we thought we would have, we are able to put a roof over their head. We are able to put food on the table at night. We are getting my daughter the medical treatment she needs even though it means we will likely be in debt the rest of our lives. Our kids are happy. They have simple lives - clothes come from hand-me-downs or consignment, toys are often presents from other people or from the dollar store, we dont go on fancy vacations and we don't drive fancy cars. All of the baby stuff and necessities that we needed came from baby showers and yard sales and consignment stores. (No $300 high chairs here.) But my kids are happy. I am happy to be with them, even in the conditions that we live in.

Sometimes I am thankful that our children were unplanned. I imagine I'd be in a very similar situation to you if they were not - it would never be the "right" time, I'd always feel we weren't well off enough or didn't have the right things in place to have a baby. I am a planner by nature and everything about my life in the last five years has taken me way outside of my comfort zone - heck, it has almost mentally broken me. But here I am, with perspective to show for it. It could always be worse - that is our motto.

I am sorry for rambling on but I guess what I am trying to say is - there will not ever be an ideal time. It is a hugely scary decision to have a child, and one that I do not think you can ever ENTIRELY plan for. We certainly did not plan for our children to show up when they did, or for me to lose my job, or for our daughter to have a rare disease that would cost us a fortune to treat.

If you and your husband are on the same page with wanting children and putting their needs above your own (financially), no matter what happens - you will be fine. You will learn to deal with whatever else comes your way, because you cannot predict the future. A lot of the expense of children is up to you - it depends on what kind of lifestyle you feel you NEED to live and what luxuries you feel you NEED to give them. If you can live without frills, you can do it for next to nothing. But if you need the $300 high chair to be happy, you may be in trouble.

[wincrasher]

Yep, millions of people do it whether they are fit emotionally or financially or not? They don't mind knowing they can't provide proper health care, clothing, food, housing or later a college education. They don't mind locking in a life of poverty and limited choice and do it anyways.

If you wait to be "ready", then that day will probably never come. I strongly urge you to focus on the emotionally ready aspect of taking this on.

Just lay out your reasonable expectations and decide what you can live with. Pre-natal, diapers, day care - it all adds up. There are lots of sources of info out there to cut the costs.

Good Luck in what you decide!

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Never financially ready. You will always want more money, more security. Trust me I live where I talk to other moms constantly who harp about "needing" to work and have more money to survive. My DH and I were broke grad students together and we knew couples having 3 kids on $27k/year in southern california. Like the guy told my DH "the kids eat first, then we'll get by." They survived and their kids seems HAPPY.

So my perspective after he said that, have kids when you are ready emotionally to commit to your partner and a kid. Be ready for other sacrifices, have a stable relationship because raising kids is a lot pressure.

Finances always seem to work out. Babies and kids need very little to keep them happy. I stockpiled diapers about 1 year before we had our baby (she's 1!!!!) so i think I paid something like $100 for diapers for 2 years worth. I breastfeed and got a couple of bottles, my biggest expenses was a $300 breast pump that I used a little.

Clothes were all gifts and hand me downs. Even our infant bucket was a borrowed gift, because she came early so our friends lent it to us. That and a stroller. Go figure.

Honestly the biggest cost has been not working. But even at that I can honestly say I wouldn't be bringing home that much after daycare and taxes.

[cicy33]

I was also going to say the old saying, if you wait until you can afford a baby you never will. That is so true. Babies are as expensive as you make them. Formula while pricey can be got lower. For example, my dtr was paying for similac I believe and then realized one day that Parents choice was about 1/2 the cost. She did double check with her pediatrician first and then switched the baby. he has been just as happy. keep in mind that will not fly for every child. but in this case instead of 50 or more per month in formula she is down to 25. and now that he eats it gets cheaper. Sadly, he hates real milk. has totally refused it and is just about a year old. His older sister loved it. oh well.

Baby showers are very helpful at getting started. Feeding: I sit my granddaughter at the coffee table to eat with her little pink tykes chair I got at a yard sale for $1 and put a placemat down (walmart $2.00). when she couldn't sit up well I used a walker and before that her bouncy seat. never did have a highchair. The baby sits in a child seat for the table I also got a yard sale for about a $1. there are ways to save everywhere!

now to the other side that people worry about. College. Hey, who said you have to pay? there are grants, scholarships, kids can work. even student loans if it comes down to it. I paid for mine, my daughter is paying for hers and yep, she doesn't hate me. she doesn't feel entitled that mom should pay automatically. First car. My dtr's first car cost me $500. Beat up dodge daytona. Mostly because I figured she would wreck it. she didn't! I don't feel one should spend a lot on a child's first car. True I was poor but I got a good car at a good price.

There is only one reason to have a child in my opinion. LOVE. Because you want to create and love a beautiful creature.