My Advice to People - Lighten Up!

[cschin4]

This isn't really so much money related but can be. But, I think we all look at alot of issues as "do or die" when in reality we are often sweating the small stuff. And, this may not apply to you, but I know that I have made mountains out of molehills and I really work to keep perspective.
I guess I have learned this over the years with my kids and spouse. I would do battle with them over things that really didn't matter. I have had to step back and realize many things are just a matter of opinion and neither right or wrong. When my kids get their own money and want to spend it, sometimes I think they are spending it foolishly, but it is their money to do as they please. So, I can either rain on their parade or just enjoy the moment with them.
My 13 yr old son wanted to let his hair grow longer. At first, I balked and then forced him to get his haircut and he responded by wearing a knit cap until his hair grew back. I could see that after it was cut that he felt embarrassed and I felt like a heel. Then I realized, it is just hair, and did I really need to make a big deal out it being shaggy. And, I know that when he grows up the styles will change or his hair will fall out anyway.
So, I don't know if this is making sense but it seems we are often really hard on each other when we don't need to be.

[maat55]

I think my brother used this same approach. Now, my grown nephew wears long black trenchcoats and black makeup and drives a hurst. I think I'll stick to a forced structure approach.

Same goes with how much power you give children with money. We are to guide them, not watch them fail. Many will say: "you have to let them learn on their own", rubbish.

They can learn on their own when they are paying their own bills.

[disneysteve]

cschin4 and maat55, I think you are both right to an extent. Yes, there need to be some basic rules and structure and acceptable limits but there also needs to be some freedom of expression and trying out different things in life.

Using kids and their own money as an example, our daughter knows that her money is hers to spend as she sees fit. However, she also knows that we have final veto power if we feel she is buying something inappropriate in some way. We wouldn't let her buy a rap CD filled with profanity, for example (not that she would but you get the idea). If we're at the mall food court, we wouldn't let her order the extra large ice cream sundae even if she was paying for it.

But I think cschin4 makes a valid point. Many of us tend to be control freaks to some extent. We think our way is the right way and expect others to follow along (I know I'm like that on many things). The reality is that many things in life aren't that black and white. Let others do things their way and you might just find yourself learning something useful.

[maat55]

Both of my girls were not allowed to wear earrings anywhere but in their ears. Both after going to college got a belly ring that they kept for less than a month or so. They both agreed it was stupid, but they got their temporary rebellion.

I've seen how lack of structure can lead to failured achievement and lifesyles. And I have seen one statement change the life of an individual. I'm not nearly as uptight as some may think, but my first priority to my children was to prepare them for the future before being their friend. We did not allow them to be fat, lazy, stupid or a societal misfit. Love and structure worked for us.

This is in no way saying that cschin4 is advocating otherwise. I'm guessing that we are both closer to Steves moderate view than we convey. Moderation has a liberal and conservative side. I personally, am more protective of the conservative side, but understand that the liberal side has its value.

[Broken Arrow]

I'm pretty hard-line about certain things, and completely lax on others. In particular, I expect all of my children to follow four basic rules:

1. Don't lie, ever.
2. Don't hurt anyone (except in self-defense)
3. Keep your promises
4. Know how to take care of yourself

But beyond that, I have no problems with just about anything. In fact, I used to have shoulder length hair myself, and I still sport a tattoo. So, yeah, things like that wouldn't bother me.

Oddly enough, my oldest son, who is almost 19, is practically clean-cut! He does wear earrings, but that's about it. Oh yeah, I did that when I was a teen too.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

cschin4, are you advising this in light of some of the things you've read on the forums lately? Or is it more related to things you've been noticing in your "real" life? I'm thinking your example of what you've learned with your spouse and kids was not meant to be the sole or main focus. I guess I'm not seeing a lot of up-tightness in the cyber world or my real world just now, so maybe I'm missing the point.

[Ima saver]

Broken arrow?? This is off the subject, but how can you have a 19 year old son when you just turned 35 this month??

[cschin4]

I am no way advocating a approach of letting one's kids run wild. My comments were not triggered by anything on these boards but more by personal experiences. I realize that I was harsher on my spouse and children in the past than was necessary. I think I came to realize this as I came in full view of myself and realized my own human frailties. I see people at work who complain about other coworkers when in reality most people are trying to do the best that they can but simply have different personalities and approaches. I guess I just think the world could use a good dose of forgiveness and good will toward one another. I sometimes see the people around me who automatically assume the worst of someone rather than assuming the best or assuming an oversight, etc.
Case in point, my spouse sent his mom flowers for Mother's Day. There was a backlog so they could not actually deliver them on Sunday but instead on Monday. So, his sister (my MIL) called Sunday night and absolutely blasted him for not sending flowers, forgetting, yada , yada when in reality he had sent flowers. In fact, he has been sending her flowers faithfully for every holiday for the last 20 yrs! So, if for some reason he actually did forget, would that have warranted the approach by his sister? I would never call my own sister and approach her in that manner. And, what exactly did that accomplish? All she did was alienate her relationship with her brother. And, DH did call his mom to tell her the flowers would be delayed. But, it really seems some people are just ready to rip someone a new one for any and all reasons. YMMV.

[Broken Arrow]

Originally Posted by Ima saver

Broken arrow?? This is off the subject, but how can you have a 19 year old son when you just turned 35 this month??

Hehe, someone actually caught that eh?

My ex-wife is 7 years older than I am. She was a single mother with a boy when we first met, and I adopted him after we got married.

It's always interesting when we're out in public, because us being family is the last thing people think of when they see us around.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Okay, cschin4, gotcha. I surely agree with you.

[Ima saver]

Originally Posted by Broken Arrow

Hehe, someone actually caught that eh?

My ex-wife is 7 years older than I am. She was a single mother with a boy when we first met, and I adopted him after we got married.

It's always interesting when we're out in public, because us being family is the last thing people think of when they see us around.

Yes, I did catch that. I am 7 years older than my husband and I had a 7 year old daughter when we got married. My husband became a grandfather at the age of 37. (I was 44, daughter was 19 and married) It has been working for 32 years!!

[goldentraders]

I think no matter how we nurture our child, there will come a time that he or she would do the things he wanted to do, such expressing him/herself in the way which might not be pleasing to our eyes but I think he/she just want to have her own identity, but if we insist them to change and not to consider their feelings i'm afraid it would cause arguments... frustrations... feeling of unloved... conflict...

[creditoria]

Can't agree more...
Pressure builds up over time if you keep squeezing the people around you and yourself for results, for some sort of regard, or anything else actually. Lighten Up and you will find some of your goals are immaterial, others can be obtained without any stress at all.

[wincrasher]

My nephews came over this weekend for a sleep-over. They are 10 and 12.

They played video games all evening. I went up to the game room at midnight telling them I was going to bed - they could go to bed whenever they thought they needed to.

The next morning at about 8:30 I went upstairs to wake them up for breakfast - guess what? They were still at it!

Too bad, so sad. We've got work to do outside! It's already 80 degrees and getting hotter by the minute!

[hmd2009]

Originally Posted by maat55

I think my brother used this same approach. Now, my grown nephew wears long black trenchcoats and black makeup and drives a hurst. I think I'll stick to a forced structure approach.

Same goes with how much power you give children with money. We are to guide them, not watch them fail. Many will say: "you have to let them learn on their own", rubbish.

They can learn on their own when they are paying their own bills.

I have friends who were absolutely strict about what their children were allowed to wear and do with their hair, were absolutely strict period, and have a son who at 19 is almost exactly like your nephew

[DebbieL]

I let my daughter dye her hair (currently dyed black) and cut it how she wants. No biggie. Hair grows back, dye grows out, etc. Thankfully she hasn't asked for tattoos or anything "permanent". This I wouldn't allow, but would tell her when she's an adult she can do what she wants with her body, and she doesn't have that long to wait (she's 16).

I am a fairly laid-back parent, and my daughter is for the most part a great kid, so I guess I'm lucky.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by hmd2009

I have friends who were absolutely strict about what their children were allowed to wear and do with their hair, were absolutely strict period, and have a son who at 19 is almost exactly like your nephew

Thats his right as an adult, on his own. I'm willing to bet, all that I have, that a loving home with structure and dicsipline will turn out better adults than a free spirit atmosphere.

There is more to raising children than controlling their wardrobe. My guess is that, your friends were lacking inside or outside the home, possitive influences.

Ultimately, there is no method that is 100%, but I bet that if your friends provided many years of good influence, their son will change in time.

[cschin4]

I let my daughter dye her hair (currently dyed black) and cut it how she wants. No biggie. Hair grows back, dye grows out, etc. Thankfully she hasn't asked for tattoos or anything "permanent". This I wouldn't allow, but would tell her when she's an adult she can do what she wants with her body, and she doesn't have that long to wait (she's 16).

I am a fairly laid-back parent, and my daughter is for the most part a great kid, so I guess I'm lucky.

I don't know if I am strict or laid back. A bit of both. But, I really don't see the point of battling over hair. Hair comes and goes!