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03-13-2009, 12:29 PM
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I Can't Afford Another Baby. Help!!
As soon as I walked in the house after work yesterday I knew something was wrong. On any "normal" work day nobody greets me or even asks "how was your day", but yesterday not only was I greeted by my wife but she took my coat and escorted me to the table where a delicious looking Vegan meal was waiting. I was almost afraid to ask so I simply kept quite while I ate my meal but my wife broke that silence after a few minutes by telling what I feared most. She told me that she wanted to tell me something about my stepson. As soon as she mentioned his name I knew that what started as a peaceful evening would soon come to an abrupt end.
When I met my wife her son was only 14 years old but, he had been suspended from two different schools and had recently dropped out. His father was a traveling musician who never paid a dime of child support and never bothered to offer him any direction. At that time I thought I could inspire him to overcome his situation by showing him the love and patience of a father/friend. After two years of trying my wife and I finally agreed that no matter what we tried he was intent and determined to follow the wrong crowd and be involved in criminal activities. Now, 15 years later at 30 years old he has never held a honest job for more than a year, he has been arrested several times for multiple offenses and has a 18 month old son whom he has never spent more than a few months with. Yet, he writes a letter to my wife asking us to "Please, raise my son until I get out of prison." Additionally, we got a call from Social Services in West Virginia asking us to accept guardianship of his son because the mother has lost custody due to drug addiction! So here we are in debt, over 40, with no savings whatsoever and getting ready to bring in a 18 month old baby who needs diapers, daycare, car seats, baby powder and who knows what other expenses. Please forgive me if I don't sound excited or happy but, this not something that I expected or planned to do at 43 years old. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Over 40 Overweight and In Debt 
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03-13-2009, 12:51 PM
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I don't think you can make such a serious decision until you have all the facts. For example, it is common for babies to acquire serious problems as a result of a birth mother's drug habit. Does Social Services offer any assistance?
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03-13-2009, 12:59 PM
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Whether excited about it or not, that's a very noble thing that you are going to do. There must be some sort of assistance available to someone in your situation. I would start by visiting your local county or state offices such as child services and tell them your situation. I'm sure that they can help or at least point you in the right direction. Good luck.
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MODERATOR Brian
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03-13-2009, 01:04 PM
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It isn't your responsibility to correct your adult son's mistakes. You shouldn't have to ruin your life because he has chosen to ruin his. I have a lot of patients who are raising grandchildren in similar circumstances and the toll it takes on them is terrible. Let the state worry about it. They can put the kid in foster care. Let the father know that you aren't going to bail him out this time. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've got zero patience for people like this. Just my humble opinion.
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Steve * Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular. * Why should I pay for my daughter's education when she already knows everything? * There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.
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03-13-2009, 01:42 PM
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I think this baby may end up being the biggest blessing you've ever had. It deserves a chance in life to be raised in a good home (which you sound like you provide). Sometimes blessings come in disguise. A year from now you may wonder how you ever were without him.
I know you may not be happy about this right now (understandably), but think what a wonderful thing you are doing for someone. This is your wife's grandson. I must tell you that I would not want a grandchild of mine to go into "the system" in those circumstances - I would take him in a heartbeat if he were my grandchild (and no - it isn't in my life plan to be raising grandbabies in my 40s, but some of the best things that ever happened to me weren't planned). You sound like a really great person, and I wish you all the best with this. I do know that here in Canada there is financial help for people who take in a child of a relative. When my parents did it (they've had my nephew from the age of 13 - he's 19 now and a great kid), they got about $450 or $500 a month (I'd have to ask how much it was). They didn't need the money or anything like that (they would have gladly done it for free), but they got it every month until he was 18 or 19. You might want to look into any such programs that are available to you for help. PS - My nephew was a teenager when he came to live with my parents full time. I think if he were an infant and needed daycare or anything like that, the amount of money they received would have been higher to pay for that.
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03-13-2009, 01:46 PM
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I just wanted to say that I've never personally been in this situation (and hopefully never will be), but I absolutely can't argue with what Debbie has said. It is family (your wife's, at least) and I totally understand all of that. You need to do what your heart and mind tell you to do. I just have seen so many people sacrifice their own futures and their own physical and mental well-being to take in a grandchild that the whole thing leaves me very negative about the process. Certainly, the best interests of the child need to be considered, but so do the best interests of the grandparents. I think that often gets overlooked.
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Steve * Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular. * Why should I pay for my daughter's education when she already knows everything? * There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.
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03-13-2009, 02:03 PM
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I would first look at the possibility of having him adopted. This would keep them from getting him later. This child needs a better home than with the bio parents. If you are not willing to take full responsibility for the child, forever, it should be adopted, IMO. Your involvment should be all the way or none at all.
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03-13-2009, 02:05 PM
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A baby isn't all bad. Sure they are expensive, but..you can find a lot of what you need on craigs list or hopefully the baby will come with some.
However you do need to find out what sort of medical issues the baby will have, you need to go into this with wide open eyes, and consider if the father will ever want the baby back, or the mother. And you need to think hard about what you hope the answer to that will be.
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03-13-2009, 02:11 PM
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The only thing I have to add is that to consider taking the child ONLY if the father gets a vasectomy.
I have to agree with Debbie in the baby could be a blessing in disguise (though certainly an expensive one). However, I know too many people who took one grandchild in and ended up with 3, 4, 5... Usually the mother was on drugs, which yes, leads to all sorts of problems with the babies. As well as lack of judgement as far as birth control - which makes it a vicious cycle. I think I would personally look for room in my heart to accept the child, but it would come with the stipulation that it would be impossible to have more. I can't think of anyone I know in this situation who has taken only one child in and hasn't ended up with more. & there is only so much you can do. On the flip side, you are no less of a person if you simply can't take this on. If you simply can not afford it, the child may be better off elsewhere. A relative of ours has adopted child #12 & #13(?) from a woman in a similary situation. The children are better off and it is such a blessing to them. My heart aches for that poor child though. But truly there could be better options. I don't envy your situation in the least.
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03-13-2009, 02:15 PM
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03-13-2009, 02:18 PM
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I agree with Debbie- the child did not choose his parents.
Give the kid a chance. Money issues can be fixed. The fact you are in debt is not the grand child's fault. The grandchild needs love more than diapers or food.
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03-13-2009, 02:18 PM
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My parents went through a very similar situation with the son of my worthless a$$ brother. They could afford to raise him financially but it cut into their cashflow somewhat. I have very good loving parents that made a very big effort to raise this little idiot the right way. The result? The kid(now man) is in prison for selling drugs and felonious assault. I tried to counsel them beforehand but it was their call ultimately. I'm not saying your situation will be the same if you adopt this child but it's something to consider. I personally wouldn't do this given my experience.
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"Those who can't remember the past are condemmed to repeat it".- George Santayana.
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03-13-2009, 03:10 PM
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I realize the child is an innocent victim here, and that sucks, but I don't believe that it is automatically the grandparents' obligation to take in their grandchildren.
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Steve * Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular. * Why should I pay for my daughter's education when she already knows everything? * There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.
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03-13-2009, 03:15 PM
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I don't think there is a right or wrong choice. First, be honest with yourself and your wife. Do you guys think you will be able to do the best job possible. If there are financial concerns than that needs to be taken into consideration. Money is not everything BUT you still need to provide adequately for this child. Maybe adoption is the way to go? How soon do you have to make a decision? If possible I would take a couple of days and reflect. Maybe you and your wife should make separate lists of concerns and discuss them. Good luck and hang in there.
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03-13-2009, 03:17 PM
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03-13-2009, 03:23 PM
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I should have mentioned that my nephew who my parents took in at 13 is an absolute delight. He is so funny! They have had him for his full teenage years (he's 19), and he has yet to give them a moment's grief. I wish I could say the same for my own 16 year old daughter, lol (she's not a bad kid or anything, just a typical lippy teen at times). My nephew is the politest kid of that age I've ever known, and so funny that he will have you rolling on the floor laughing.
My nephew came from an unfortunate background (my brother is severely bipolar and goes insane on a regular basis). My nephew did not get the best start in life, yet he has always been a wonderful kid. I would have taken him in myself if I didn't have such loving parents who were glad to do so. They also had his older brother live with them for a couple years before that with no real problem. I guess this is a decision that each person must make from their heart, but I can tell you that I know of many grandparents currently raising a grandchild (or grandchildren) who are very happy with these kids (although, obviously not happy that their own child has issues and is unable to provide a good home). It keeps you young, that's for sure!
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03-13-2009, 03:25 PM
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__________________
"Those who can't remember the past are condemmed to repeat it".- George Santayana.
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03-13-2009, 03:45 PM
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I would only do it if you could guarantee that neither of the parents would have any rights to him in the future. Even then, good luck-it's a really tough spot to be in. How old is the kid?
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03-13-2009, 03:53 PM
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This sounds like a tremendous burden and blessing at the same time.
The only thing I don't see addressed so far is: what of the parents? I know what their current situation is; you've made that clear. What I'm talking about is their future contact with you. Are you prepared to cut all ties with your stepson? Is your wife willing to cut ties with her son? I don't say that lightly; let the parents find their way to reformation on their own. Do not be their crutch. If you are caring for the grandchild, you are caring for that child and ONLY that child. You are not officers, and you are not drug counselors. Adults make their decisions. When the stepson (and his girlfriend, or them separately, whatever combination thereof because it's almost always a hodgepodge of relationships) come knocking, then demand hard evidence of restoration or get off the property. Make the right to raise this child your sole responsibility as a couple, and slam shut the door for any chance that he changes his mind (...to get the gov't assistance to do more bad things, etc). My apologies if I sound jaded because I try to remain upbeat, but this is something that really does get me steamed.
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