Is My Wife Right or Wrong?

[pathtowealth]

Due to bad investments funds of £500,000 for property sold a few years ago have gone. I had gifted my wife £125,000 which is held in her bank account. I have land which will be passed for 20 houses in a few months time. I have not been able to pay our house mortgage, car payment or insurance installments since December. The value of my development site will be about a million but my wife's attitude is that I lost the cash and this £125k is her safety net. I can't get a bank loan as I have no source of income right now and I'm near 60. I can get £100,000 from someone but they want half my site in exchange so my family loses out half the money from a sale after planning. Please tell me is my wife right or wrong in her attitude.

[Angio333]

In my opinion, once you are married your money becomes her money and vice versa. The 125,000 should be used to keep you afloat until income comes in, then it should be paid back.

[disneysteve]

I agree with Angio333. There is no such thing as "my" money and "her" money in our marriage. It is all OUR money. The concept of "gifting" money to my wife isn't something I can comprehend.

[EEinNJ]

Your wife is wrong. What was the question?

Seriously, "Hers, Mine, and Ours" is a valid way of managing finances in a couple, it can minimize arguments over individual and discretionary spending.

It sounds like you have a real problem, and you need her help. It's not a safety net if your spouse is floundering. That is, ultimately if it's bad for you it's bad for her, too.

[GREENBACK]

When you say you "gifted" her the money I assume you mean it was just that; a gift. Perhaps that word has a different meaning in your culture. In my culture a gift is something you give that you expect nothing back from.

In terms of a marriage it might have a little different meaning if times are tough. If that's the case you need to get on the same page. A gift is great but if you can't pay the bills a spouse should be willing to contribute anything(gifts or not)that they can. From your decription I'd say you're wrong expecting a gift to be given back and she's wrong for not doing what's neccesary to make your situation work. Again, you both need to get on the same page.

[scfr]

Hard to say from hearing only 1 side of the story, but my inclination is to answer "both."

As far as not using the funds to cover your family's basic living expenses, I'd say she's wrong.

But as far as not giving you carte blanche access to the funds, sorry to say it but it sounds like she probably has her reasons and she may be right. Perhaps your wife is not as convinced as you are that the value of the development site will really be "about a million"? Perhaps she is concerned that it is yet another bad investment?

Be grateful that she held on to the 125K, and that it's not gone like the remainder of the funds.

I understand all about the need to take risk to succeed in business, but I also firmly believe that both partners in a marriage need to agree on the limits of the risk-taking.

[onlinev]

Hi friends

I am Joseph from London. I think you are absolutely right.

Joseph

[pathtowealth]

Many thanks for your valuable replies. The reason she wants to hold onto the money is because I invested the other funds (from sale of my Mum's house)which involving her in the decisions. I do not want the £125k back but just to borrow enough to keep us out of court until the development planning comes through. My agent believed it will be worth between £1 to £1.4 million.
Right now I'm nearly suicidal.

[noppenbd]

Since she was not involved in the decision to buy the land, I think at this point she has the right to refuse to put any money towards keeping this investment afloat. I think you should take the other investor's offer, even though you will lose half your profit. Consider it a small price to pay to save your marriage. You need to continue to meet your family obligations (mortgage, car paymt, insurance) regardless of what is done with the investment property. I would consider this a win if you can get out breaking even. In the future all financial decisions should be a family decision, since you are using family funds.

[pathtowealth]

Thanks noppenbd
The land was actually transferred to me from my Dad so wasn't bought. All the funds & land came from my parents.

[mdcrim]

Can you sell the site outright and take the money and run? I think your wife is being completely unreasonable. You should sell the site, cut your losses and divorce your wife. Go find someone to be with that can be a partner to you. Sorry for your problems.

[DebbieL]

Originally Posted by mdcrim

Can you sell the site outright and take the money and run? I think your wife is being completely unreasonable. You should sell the site, cut your losses and divorce your wife. Go find someone to be with that can be a partner to you. Sorry for your problems.

Great advice after hearing only a part of the story. I'm willing to bet that she has a far different version (or at least a far different perspective).

[fruitbowlk]

This board don't agree on seperate monies but depending on your spouse and their money habits it has to be that way sometime things has changed so much from the 20 and 30 years ago and I think everyone should have their very own safey net. We can only read what you wrote but we don't know your spending habit or any situations you might have gotten yourself or your family into in the past for the reason your wife has to feel the way she does.

[pathtowealth]

I love her too much to divorce and run. I could sell now or if I can hold on another 6 months the value will at least quadruple. If I could just find an investor it would solve everything.

[DebbieL]

I get worried that you expect the value to quadruple in the next six months. I really think that sounds unlikely. There is a reason you are not able to find an outside investor. I would seriously examine that if I were you. I think your wife is afraid of losing everything.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by pathtowealth

I love her too much to divorce and run. I could sell now or if I can hold on another 6 months the value will at least quadruple. If I could just find an investor it would solve everything.

If the deal is so great, you should have no problem finding an investor. I question whether you are overly optimistic and lacking in good financial sense.

I don't know you but from a few post, but your wife may not be as confident in your skills as you are.

[wnlbutterfly]

Are we missing something here? Doesn't your wife live in the same house? Does she drive this car? Is her name on any of the titles? I am thinking whether or not she finds your skills on investment in question, she has the funds to pay the bills that need to be paid and that will affect her.

It wouldn't be any different if my DH lost his job and had no paycheck coming in, and I was sitting on the savings account not paying bills. I wouldn't be happy having to use my "safety net", but what is a safety net for? I would think this would be it.

Hope everything works out.

[Marikam]

I think your wife is right. She should retain this money. It appears as if it is her only safety net. In the first place it wasn't right for you to invest all the family money without her involvement. While she may not be faulting you for what went wrong with your investment, she is at least being pragmatic enough to retain something.

By selling off a portion of your investment, you are going to lose big, but what did you expect? That is the risk you took. And when people get into jams like the one you are in, the vultures will always be there to prey upon the weak. Take your lumps, and move on. Its only money. And be thankful you have a wife who has her two feet solidly on the ground.

[thekid]

Originally Posted by pathtowealth

I could sell now

There is your answer, as far as I'm concerned.

You are basically asking your wife to use her money to back you in your "venture". Since you say that you already lost 500 000 GBP (that's over a million dollars US folks), I can't say I blame her.

If you want your wife to partner with you, take her advice. You already made some bad investment decisions that got you where you are without consulting her with "your" money. Take her advice on "her" money.

Sell the land and pay off your obligations jointly with your wife as per your respective ability.

Don't force her into schemes she (perhalps very rightfully) doesn't trust.

I'm sorry, but this seems to be about you wanting to force things your way. Forget get rich quick schemes, they'll only get you poor quick as you may have discovered. Concentrate on building a relationaship of trust and effective communication with your wife.

That's my internet advice.

[snafu]

hmmm... Dad's house, mum's land inheritances...what happened to all your pre 60 y/o earnings? Besides marrying someone who is showing common sense, what business acumen would you brag about?

If the realtor is so certain of gains, why not have that individual do a cash/share split?