Looks like I might be going about this solo... - Page 4

Well Spent · #61 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 09:44 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's devastating.

Do what you can to get the deposits back but don't make yourself crazy about it. Don't make any big decisions for awhile. Just let it sink in.

zakity · #62 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 09:51 AM

Quote:

As hard as it is to hear this, it really is true. It is much easier in the long run to end a relationship before marriage because that complicates things a lot

It is easier to end it now. (coming from someone who should have never have gotten married to her husband)

I hope you get most of your money back. That really sucks that he did that.

But, I totally agree with whoever said about taking care of yourself. Go on long walks. Take a bubble bath. Go out with some friends. Maybe go for a weekend somewhere with a few good friends.

If you are still having issues for when about the time you were supposed to get married, plan a weekend with your friends. Keep it packed with activities to keep you distracted. Maybe even go on a trip as a celebration that you weren't trapped with the wrong partner!!

Well Spent · #63 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SacredFaerie

Perhaps it's for the best. It really sounds like yall weren't exactly starting on the right foot. I mean if he's got all of that law school debt he's got to have some law income right? It sounds like you're paying for everything AND taking on his debt.

I dunno. It's your personal life and I'm not there. I hope you get most of your deposits back.

It seems different because of the (I'm assuming) gender role reversal. The man broke the engagement, right?

This is a good example of why keeping finances separate until the marriage contract is signed is vital. I just a "House Hunters" show where a babyfaced 26 year old bought a foreclosed house for about $90,000 (!!!!) in Detroit and moved a girl in. I don't if he was charging her to live there but they had no marriage plans. They actually got giggly when questioned about their future. I've seen cases where women have gotten their man (the homeowner) kicked out of his own home when she accused him of assault.

I've actually found it common that women support men while they pursue education for high-paying careers like medicine and law. Often if the man leaves the marriage decades later, the wife tries to get payback for her investment in his career.

Scrimp in some ways is lucky that it's only deposits for the party she may lose out on rather than tuition or his other bills.

DebbieL · #64 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 11:51 AM

How true Well Spent. I remember several months back some were sort of suggesting that she start combining things and pay off his student loans (or something of that nature). I told her NO WAY would I do that (and she had no intention of doing so at least until married - smart girl). I'm pretty sure this is the situation I'm remembering. I don't really have the time to dig for the thread though, but I'm pretty sure it was Scrimp's situation I'm thinking of.

jIM_Ohio · #65 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DebbieL

How true Well Spent. I remember several months back some were sort of suggesting that she start combining things and pay off his student loans (or something of that nature). I told her NO WAY would I do that (and she had no intention of doing so at least until married - smart girl). I'm pretty sure this is the situation I'm remembering. I don't really have the time to dig for the thread though, but I'm pretty sure it was Scrimp's situation I'm thinking of.

You never know if advice is good until you take it (or have history to validate not taking it).

It was my suggestion (might have been others suggestions too), good for SNS for not taking it.

disneysteve · #66 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 12:41 PM

My wife and I opened our first joint account as soon as we got engaged. We wanted somewhere joint to put engagement gifts and start functioning as a couple (even though we weren't physically living together until after the wedding). It was the right decision for us and if I had to do it again, I'd do the exact same thing and advise others to do the same. That said, it obviously doesn't work in every case.

DebbieL · #67 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 01:06 PM

I would never advise anyone to combine and start paying off the debts of their partner before marriage (personally I didn't do it even after marriage- but DH only had a tiny amount of debt anyways). I agree - good for her that she didn't do that.

LivingAlmostLarge · #68 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 07:31 PM

I kinda think during the engagement would be a good time to combine finances since you are paying for a wedding together. But I realize not everyone is comfortable.

But it's good she found out early. May I ask what ended the relationship? Is there any potential for reconciling?

ScrimpAndSave · #69 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 07:51 PM

He was drinking too much (in my eyes)...defensive about it...it wasn't working.

jIM_Ohio · #70 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 08:29 PM

[joke] drinking too much around the holidays for me is a tradition (and form of toleration of others)[/joke]

If you want to reconcile there are two choices
[joke]
1) he stops drinking
2) you start drinking
[/joke]

Good move to call it off if he doesn't stop.

ScrimpAndSave · #71 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 08:38 PM

It's not just a holiday thing...I love to drink wine and get silly. Pounding down 12-14 beer consistently...not fun.

SacredFaerie · #72 (**permalink**) 01-06-2009, 10:02 PM

Wow Scrimp you dodged a bullet.

Combining finances doesn't work for everyone but it can work for some. Like for example, Scrimp a flag would have gone up for me when he was carrying all this debt but it would have gone back done if he was helping to pay for the wedding. The fact that he wasn't........that's the second and third strike.

ScrimpAndSave · #73 (**permalink**) 01-07-2009, 07:45 AM

I dunno. I think I did the right thing and I feel good about that. I am just going to find it hard living at home till I am 30 just to afford this house. I don't know what is smart. I can find a place that is around $175,000 - $200,000 to buy...much smaller of course. I could put 10% down.

I don't know. I am not about to move out right now. Just weighing options.

SacredFaerie · #74 (**permalink**) 01-07-2009, 07:55 AM

Which is good. Weigh the options over and over and over if you have to.

jIM_Ohio · #75 (**permalink**) 01-07-2009, 09:45 AM

Do you know someone which owns a condo in your area? Another teacher for example? Ask them if you can see their place.

Once inside, many people could not tell a condo from a ranch style house. There are "luxery" condos.

segmond · #76 (**permalink**) 01-07-2009, 10:05 AM

wow, that's terrible.

LivingAlmostLarge · #77 (**permalink**) 01-07-2009, 10:38 AM

Sorry to hear that. And why do you need your dad's house? You are a single woman and why do you need all the space? Will you hire people to help you do renovations? Will you be able to afford to upgrade and update the house on your own? Can you afford to furnish the house on your own?

ScrimpAndSave · #78 (**permalink**) 01-07-2009, 10:43 AM

Jim, there is actually an area near me with good nightlife and stuff and luxury condos...they are small, but have nice upgrades and finishes.

MLS

MLS

MLS

There are many townhomes in the area...but they are in very residential areas - these are in a funkier, more stylish area with lots of night life and resturants etc.

ScrimpAndSave · #79 (**permalink**) 01-07-2009, 11:13 AM

Livingalmostlarge,

When my dad moves out, he is leaving all furnishings here...this includes all furniture, law equiptment, kitchen items...the works. The house needs some updating...but not renovations. My main thing would be to replace the countertops (which are in excellent shape - its just that they are a bit dated) and that kind of stuff can wait. In fact, the only thing that needs to be replaced would be the roof in about 10 years...
I could definitely buy a condo or a townhome. HOA fees stink though. The difference is about $100,000. My house would be $300,000 and a condo/townhome would be $200,000.

My thoughts are...i wouldn't want to live in a condo/townhome long term. I would always be wishing for a single family home. With all of the furnishings (which are in great shape) being left behind...it seems like a great advantage. Also, I really don't think I would ever, ever move from the home unless I had a huge job change (and I am tenured in a fantastic school district).

So I don't know what is the smartest thing to do. The house does well with heating/cooling costs...not much more than a smaller place would...its been beautiful maintained...I don't know. It would make things easier on my father - but I know that isn't a reason to buy it. I do love it though. A lot.

I figure in two years I will have $75,000 saved (not counting interest) and I will be making $70,000. I will be able to afford it.

By the end of this year I will have $45,000 saved...and be making $60,000. I could afford something around $200,000...but would probably only live there for 5-7 years.

Am I crazy? Prolly.

jIM_Ohio · #80 (**permalink**) 01-07-2009, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScrimpAndSave

Jim, there is actually an area near me with good nightlife and stuff and luxury condos...they are small, but have nice upgrades and finishes.

MLS

MLS

MLS

There are many townhomes in the area...but they are in very residential areas - these are in a funkier, more stylish area with lots of night life and resturants etc.

Keep in mind you don't know me, and I don't know you. The outside appearence of the building and a gym or downtown location are not what make a condo "luxery" to me.

750 sq feet to me is TINY for a condo. I am thinking in terms of 1200 sq ft here in Ohio.

I had a townhouse with 2200 sq ft. Space. We had a dining area open to a kitchen. We had 2 BR, one which measured about 20x30 and another 20x20 (the bedrooms in my current house-3200 sq ft are smaller than the bedrooms we had in the condo-2200 sq ft). The basement of the townhouse was 600 sq ft finished and open (many people turned this into their TV room and put in a bar).

The bar in the picture- where is that (relative to the condo)? Dowstairs? That might make that a luxery... but I think if you look in a suburb you might find what I was thinking.

Our old condo is for sale.
http://remax-resultsplus-sooh-oh.com...x?LID=58752808

You may need to login to see that listing (it is free). Jeff was our realtor when we sold, so if he actually uses the info to contact you, tell him jIM sent you.

The pics (the jIM tour if you will):
#1 is outside, this is in a 6 unit building. You can see the 2nd unit door (to left of the listed property). There is a 3rd condo to left. If you mirror the 3 to the right, there are 3 more, 6 total units sharing same roof.
#2 is kitchen, #3 is eating area (note you can see the kitchen "open" thru a 4x4 opening)
#3 is fireplace in open area, what you cannot see is the eating area (the picture was taken from the eating area).
#4 is in master bedroom
#5 is in basement
#6 is off deck-main level
#7 is off deck- lower level
#8 is the clubhouse (has fitness area and we would rent the clubhouse for parties too).