How do you work with spouse that is not on same page?

[Bimmer]

My wife and I have worked really hard on saving/debt reduction/retirement fund, but we often disagree on things. I want to tighten up more, she wants a slight relaxation in our spending.

While her spending habits have greatly improved, she has turned into a "spend money to save money" or "its a good deal honey" shopper, whereas I say if we do not need it at the time we save more money by not buying it.

Example is cereal. We keep anywhere from 10-20 boxes on hand, yet if there is a deal at the store she cannot pass it up. I say we have plenty and that cereal deals are pretty common here, so lets not buy this week, but I generally lose (its not so much money that its worth arguing over, but these little things add up).

Kids clothes are another. She just bought a bunch of stuff for the boy we are expecting in March. Some of it is seasonal, and we live in a four seasons climate. I have concerns the coat may not fit next winter (who knows how slow/fast a kid will grow?). But, it was a "great deal." (which is true, it was priced very nice).

Also, we each have a set amount of spending money every month. I try to set an example by proudly saying that I only used 50% this month and applied the rest towards a debt or savings, but she always uses hers up. I do not mind too much (she stays within her allowance almost every time), but its another small example of the differences.

Do I press for tighter spending, or do I just deal with it as long the current habits do not start to slide to more spending? I think the frustration on my part mostly stems from our conversations: one day we talk about savings and retirement goals and she shares my thoughts, yet the next its spend a couple of bucks here, $10 there on things we may not need at the time.

[Christophercarl]

This is a tough spot because you both think that you are doing the right thing. It's hard to break out of this pattern because it is all psychological.

It is common knowledge, however, that spending on things that you don't actually need is not conducive to saving and meeting financial goals. It also often leads to clutter and unnecessary junk lying all around the house.

Maybe instead of giving each other personal spending budgets, remove the budget and see who can spend less on themselves and who can find the most areas to cut back on spending and increase your savings.

There isn't a specific answer to this question because it is simply finding a way to help your spouse realize that she doesn't need to make these purchases and just because something is on sale, doesn't mean that you are saving money by buying it. You obviously already understand this, so just try to get creative in thinking of a way to get her do adapt your way of thinking.

Hope it all works out.

[moneybags]

The 2 examples you give, to me, are good ways to save money. If I am going to use the item(s) and stock up when it is on sale (your cereal example), that is not really spending to save. It is a true savings, unless you end up throwing away the cereal. The clothes example is a great way to save money. Kids will need clothes, and babies are easy to estimate the next year's size. I shopped like this for the first 5 years of my kids' lives. Again, if you are over buying, it is not saving, but if you buying on a need basis, it is a great savings tool.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by moneybags

The clothes example is a great way to save money. Kids will need clothes, and babies are easy to estimate the next year's size. I shopped like this for the first 5 years of my kids' lives.

I respectfully disagree. While it may have worked for you, it isn't generally a good idea. We were never able to buy clothing for our daughter in advance. She has always been tall (long when she was an infant) and to this day (she's 13 now) we have trouble finding the right sizes for her to wear right now. While we had friends who would stock up at the end-of-season sales, there was no way we could predict what size she would be at a given time months in the future.

Buying for a baby who isn't even born yet is especially difficult. You don't know if that baby will be 6 pounds or 9 pounds at birth, 18 inches long or 22 inches long. And you might get away with onesies and such, but seasonal outfits may not fit at the right time of year. We received many clothing gifts that just went to charity with the tags still on because they weren't the right size at the right time.

To answer the OP, I think you need to stop bringing up how much or how little of your allowance you spend. The whole point of each of you getting an allowance is so that you each have money to spend however you wish without the other's approval. Once you've agreed on an amount, that's it. You shouldn't ask how much of it she has spent or what she spent it on. If you don't spend all of yours, that's fine, but don't expect her to do the same.

As for stocking up on sale items, that's a tough one. There is actually a set cycle to grocery store sales. I think if you search around online, you can find a site that details the pattern. If you can show her that cereal goes on sale every 5 weeks, or whatever the number is, perhaps you can convince her that she only needs to keep a stock long enough to last until the next sale period.

The last thing I'd say is to comment on how we handle spending. Savings comes first, period. Fifty percent of my wife's salary goes into her 401k. Nineteen percent of my salary goes into savings. I honestly don't particularly care how the remaining money gets spent as long as all bills are paid in full and on time each month. If I decide to buy some new computer gadget or my wife decides to take my daughter to a couple of movies, that's perfectly okay, because all of our financial goals are being taken care of before that extra money gets spent. Some months, there isn't so much extra. Other months, there is a bigger surplus, and I make sure she knows where things stand.

[maat55]

My wife could careless about debt reductions and saving. I pretty much had to setup our financial plan and tell her how it would be implemented. She didn't like it at first, but has adapted to it.

We got out of debt and built our EF very quickly and like Steve, our saving comes first and I don't knitpick the spending any longer. It's not easy when two people have two different views on their finances. One thing I do when possible is to compliment her when she shows good money sense. My son-in-law is finishing up a finace degree and we talk about money and investing from time to time around DW, she will chime in with some good points.

[pearlieq]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

The whole point of each of you getting an allowance is so that you each have money to spend however you wish without the other's approval. Once you've agreed on an amount, that's it. You should ask how much of it she has spent or what she spent it on. If you don't spend all of yours, that's fine, but don't expect her to do the same.

I heartily second this. If you have agreed on a set amount of spending money and you both stay within in the limit, that's where the discussion needs to end unless general budget circumstances necessitate a unilateral reduction in expenses.

You will drive yourself (and her!) crazy if you concern yourself with what she does with her pocket money. Just write it off in your head as an expense, just like the electric bill. If she gets $100/month and she wants to spend $98 of it on Pez, your response needs to be "Whatever makes you happy, dear".

[mrpaseo]

Look, there might be a serious issue here, your wife could have oniomania, this is very serious, what she is doing is convincing herself that what she is doing is okay in the name of savings but what she is really doing is giving into her NEED to spend money. Its conisdered a disease by some (Much like an OCD), it should not be taken lightly.

Oniomania - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Do the research, understand what you are dealing with, identify ways to overcome, evaluate these ways, chose and impliment then follow up to ensure it is working.

Good luck,
Ray

[mrpaseo]

One thing that has helped my budget is understand that EVERY cent earned is not a candidate for savings. I understand that there will be some money spent on bills with no return (Save for being warm and having lights) and there will be some money blown on niceties such as that 6 dollar coffee at our favorite coffee shop. After that is when I get anal about where the money goes. To reiterate what has already been said, when you put savings first, the small stuff seems petty after you have your financial future already set aside. Then and only then does spending money become rewarding to us frugal minded folks.

Here is the simple math:

3000 income

10% towards our future = 300

2700 remaining.

2500 towards household bills

200 remaining

At this point, we have our future covered, we have all the bills covered, and now we have 200 left over, we can meet half way on this money. Usually I want to save it, my wife wants to spend it. We meet in the middle, 100 spent, 100 save, we both make out on the deal. As mentioned, sometimes it’s 600 left over, sometimes its 20 dollars left over. So long as you take care of savings/household first then the remaining money is easily divided. Keep in mind some months we agree to save it all, and then others we agree to spend it all (The extra money that is).


Ray

[Fern]

I liked what Steve said about putting savings first. If you both contribute a certain percentage of your income, then maybe you could remove those spending limits, as long as the savings is funded first.

I am always a little leery when people say they love a bargain or hunting for a deal. In my mind, those people are still problem spenders becus they use a "deal" to justify their spending. When they said oh, but i saved $100 by buying a $300 item that was on sale for $200, well they reallly didn't save $100 at all. This is really warped perception. The bottom line is, they spent $200, period.

Retail prices are a moving target, and change all the time, so who knows what the true value of something is? It's what the retailer decides to price it at. Supermarkets around here advertise "buy 1, get 1 free" specials on a whole chicken or other foods, but they jack up their prices enough so that even getting the 1 free item isn't that great a deal.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by Fern

Supermarkets around here advertise "buy 1, get 1 free" specials on a whole chicken or other foods, but they jack up their prices enough so that even getting the 1 free item isn't that great a deal.

There was a study done recently that was very interesting. They tracked the sales of certain items based on how they were priced and advertised in the store.

Example 1: They priced an item at $1.95. No special. No sale. Hardly sold any. Then they kept the price at $1.95 and put up a sign that said "Limit 4 per day" and the item flew off the shelves.

Example 2: They priced an item at $2.50. Sales were light. Then they put up a sign that said, "Two for $5.00" and sales shot up.

Perception is a huge part of marketing. Make the item seem special or limited or make the price seem like a bargain and people will buy more. In each example, they increased sales without changing the price one penny by instead altering customer perception.

[visitor]

Do you remember where that study was Steve? I would like to read it if it was online.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by visitor

Do you remember where that study was Steve? I would like to read it if it was online.

I think I read about it in either Time or Smart Money. I'll try and find it.

[Ima saver]

I have to agree with what Fern said. It really is not a bargain if you don't really need it.

[PrincessPerky]

Pick your battles OP....


If you choose clothes, I had to break my husband of the habit..for one thong we outfit mostly with hand me downs. for another our kids do not grow evenly.

I did it slowly, he bought I left tags on, and as our kid outgrew them never worn I asked him politly if we could skip the buying next year. It only took one kid.

Or cereal...if she eats it stale and you have room why not.

If you don't eat it stale than try suggesting cutting back from a clutter standpoint.. as in you hate tripping over thhe boxes.

Or try getting out if the store....or at least out of the cereal area. (if you don't know it's on sale you wont buy it.

But mainly pick your battles, is it really worth fighting over? (trying to change your wife IS fighting, just may be quiet polite fighting)

[kork13]

my mother is often this way--she loves her "things", and will definitely get something she may not immediately need if she knows that it is a good deal... clothing, food, decorative stuff, hobby items, etc. Even though my father hates that she's so liberal with spending whether needed or not, it has never been a significant problem because both of my parents still saved before anything else. He has always saved much of his income, and she also puts away a share of hers. my father has taken much the same philiosophy that disneysteve brought up--as long as money is still being put away, everything always gets paid and they're not wanting for anything, he is generally okay with it. not that he doesn't ever disagree with her on a certain purchase, but it's never a critical issue. i think for many people, that can be a very good (or at least acceptable) way to go.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by kork13

my father has taken much the same philiosophy that disneysteve brought up--as long as money is still being put away, everything always gets paid and they're not wanting for anything, he is generally okay with it. not that he doesn't ever disagree with her on a certain purchase, but it's never a critical issue.

Exactly. Sure, I don't always agree with purchases made by my wife, but it is very rarely an issue of any significance because the money is there to cover the purchases without affecting the big picture.

[cicy33]

I pretty much agree with everyone. If she is staying within her allotted moneys then it is her choice. If she is spending outside the budget on these items then it needs to be addressed together in a rational way. perhaps allow a certain amount for these sales. She could save the money up if there was not a sale that week. or spend it if there was. I am a stock piler too. Cereal is one item that is good to stock pile as long as it doesn't go stale as mentioned above. We use it as a night time snack as well as breakfast. clothes are another matter. I tend to agree with you that it is not easy to buy ahead for a child, especially one not born yet. jackets can be a safe bet if they are bought with the thought they might be a little big. For ex child is born in october, she buys a 6 month coat, it will probably fit for most of the winter. if it is to big well, so much the better! as long of course as it is not to big! Most times the doctor can you tell within a pound of how big the baby is going to be and generally (though not always) your family history will tell you how big the baby will become.

[segmond]

I feel this is the precise reason people need to really talk about money before marriage and getting together. I just can't live with someone who is not on the same page when it comes to money.