His, Hers, Ours

[tripods68]

Originally Posted by maat55

I agree 100% and that is exactly what I do. But anytime my wife gets involved in a shopping event, it can get out of hand. Thus I to make a call. When we are shopping for her car, she can get what she wants as long as we pay cash and it will last a while. You don't understand, if I gave my wife 12k and sent her out to buy a car, she would come back with the best looking piece of crap BMW she can find.

I will not borrow money to buy a car period. If she wishes to that, she can marry anyone else she wants.

Maybe she has other issue(s) especially if she previously had prior agreement with you. One thing for sure, if she is incapable of understanding the LIMIT you have set, then perhaps she needs to get a job and finance the difference. Rather than you putting the rest of the money of what car she would like/options she should be responsible for paying the extra cost. But that's a different discussion altogether. But the fact she insists and wants something with a higher price tags beyond your budget tells me she has other issue(s) you may need to uncover and resolve before anything else.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

That's why it's called compromising. Dude you'd walk away from a car you love and house you love if it's $500 over your $12k price right?

But at least you found someone to live with you. It's rather controlling and I would definitely have separate finances if I were married to someone like you.

You are borderline OCD. What would you do if your wife went out and overspent by $50? Yell at her? Make her cry? Make her return things?

That's the difference between controlling and compromise.

Most people don't put up with ultimatums, control, and power issues. This is why women shouldn't "ultimatum" a man to marry them. You are forcing something that is not meant to be.

Same with finances. I gave a very valid example of a discussion and compromise. I feel like if you were there you would start berating me, browbeating me, and treating me like a child.

I might be the only person on the board that feels this way but I feel like you talk down to your wife. And I am a reasonable competent, intelligent, mature adult. I would expect to have reasonable conversations without someone going "You only have $12k and not a penny more". I would discuss and come to a reasonable solution. I like Tripods suggestion that an extra job or considering using other funds to cover the amount.

Heck I have no idea what my DH and I will decide. But "laying down" the law won't work with either of our personalities. And I think we're both adults. And setting an extreme limit on anything isn't always the best decision.

[seattlemanicurist]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

How does that play out in reality? What if you want to take a $3,000 cruise and he only wants to spend $1,000 on vacation this year? What if you want to go to Florida and he doesn't? Do you take your money and go on the cruise or the trip to Florida or do you work out some compromise so that you can vacation together. I know couples who take separate vacations but I can't imagine living that way.

The vast majority of our vacations are to see family, so we pretty much always go alone (I take my daughter with me though). SO is in CA right now visiting his grandparents. I have four trips planned in the next year and they will all be to visit family. My SO is planning to go on one of them with us, the rest will just be me and my daughter unless he decides to come along on any others. It's totally his choice. Neither one of us has family in the area at all, and when I spend money and PTO on a trip I want it to be with my family.

My parents have been married for over 30 years and they take vacations separately all the time. Not every time, but pretty often. Even when we were kids sometimes just mom or just dad would go, or one of us kids would go with one of them. Sometimes they went together without the kids. It's not that unusual. Even married couples and families can benefit from time apart.

[skydivingchic]

Originally Posted by Well Spent

Skydivingchic, that's great you and your partner found a good method. I just don't think it's feasible for families to nickel and dime so much. And I think it would be a logistical pain in the bum to put plane tickets/hotel expenses on my credit card and ask to be reimbursed by my spouse.

It seems like scorekeeping. And how roomates and friends approach money, not life mates.

The point is that we found a method that works for US. I am most certainly NOT advocating this method for all couples - to each their own. If that is joint finances, great. But joint finances quite simply would not work for us and our personalities. Any man who insists on joint finances is not the right man for me and vice versa for him. Our method is quite feasible and not a "logistical pain in the bum" at all for us - it has worked beautifully for a lot of years. We have briefly discussed setting up some kind of joint household bill account, but have quickly dismissed the idea, as neither of us is comfortable with it.

Our method is not the traditional way couples have approached finances, but we quite simply couldn't care less what the "traditional" method is. Each couple has to figure out what works for them. The method we've come up with has nothing to do with trust between us (or lack thereof). It has to do with allowing each of us to maintain control of our finances. I fully admit to being a bit obsessive and a control freak about issues that affect me. DBF is less so, but still wants to maintain his independence. DBF and I are one of the happiest couples we know and consistently get comments about how well we get along, complement each other, and "fit" together from both people who are only aquaintances as well as those close to us. We are lucky to have found each other as we both have some very strong, non-traditional views and goals in life.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by seattlemanicurist

when I spend money and PTO on a trip I want it to be with my family.

Actually, I'd say the same thing. I don't see my wife and daughter nearly enough between work and school so when I vacation, I want to spend time with them, not apart from them. That's why I don't find separate vacations to be an appealing idea for us, personally. We all love to travel, see new places, have new experiences and build memories and that's something that we want to be doing together as a family. Coming home and showing them pictures from my solo trip just wouldn't be the same.

[maat55]

You have no idea how much I compromise. You also have no idea what my financial needs are. You also have no idea how junenile my wife is with money.

I'm living in more house than I feel we should have. She still has her nails done and goes to the tanning salon, we go out to eat at least once a week etc. My wife still wants to hold hands and snuggle at night, yah she's got it bad. You have no idea what your talking about.

Also, If we were to separate our finances, guess who would loose big.

I'm more worried about how she would feel if we could not afford medication and medical expenses when we are older. Were on a financial plan that only I was willing to establish. If we had kept drifting along under your crazy rules, we would still be in debt and broke.

Where does control come from when one person has NONE at all?

No, I would nicely say, were only spending 12k. Or you can save more.

I established structure for our finances that works and my wife is quite happy, even if she doesn't get everthing she wants and neither do I.

I fail to see where sticking to a plan is "Laying down the Law". You have catagorized me as a caveman and I'm not. All I have said is that we have a plan and are sticking to it.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by tripods68

Maybe she has other issue(s) especially if she previously had prior agreement with you. One thing for sure, if she is incapable of understanding the LIMIT you have set, then perhaps she needs to get a job and finance the difference. Rather than you putting the rest of the money of what car she would like/options she should be responsible for paying the extra cost. But that's a different discussion altogether. But the fact she insists and wants something with a higher price tags beyond your budget tells me she has other issue(s) you may need to uncover and resolve before anything else.

We spent the first 20 years of our lives looking like we had money. I remember getting kicked under the table one time while buying her a car. She just wanted the car, I wanted to get a good deal. I said OK. They came back after doing a credit check and told us they would have to sell us the car for 500 dollars less to get us qualified. That should have been a big clue that we needed to wake up financially.

I want everyone to know that, I love my wife and she is a great wife and mother. But she does not have a clue about money. Many people on this board think I'm controlling about money, but they aren't in my shoes.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Gotta agree cylenchar. And I didn't call you a caveman. You called yourself that. I think that you are a little OCD because you are against all debt, you sort of rag on a lot of people, being ultra conservative, and talking about your wife like she's a child doesn't help.

So she doesn't have control, doesn't mean you treat her like a child. You work with her. Talk and let her explore finances to her understanding. So what if you won't be perfect.

God get over it. So many people retire with no money. Is it fun? No. But they do it. She's at least trying to go along which says a lot about her flexibility and general easy going nature. You should be thankful.

I don't have that sort of DH. IF I tried what you did he'd kick me with a shoe up my behind. AND he'd have every right to. He's not my child, he is my partner.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

Gotta agree cylenchar. And I didn't call you a caveman. You called yourself that. I think that you are a little OCD because you are against all debt, you sort of rag on a lot of people, being ultra conservative, and talking about your wife like she's a child doesn't help.

So she doesn't have control, doesn't mean you treat her like a child. You work with her. Talk and let her explore finances to her understanding. So what if you won't be perfect.

God get over it. So many people retire with no money. Is it fun? No. But they do it. She's at least trying to go along which says a lot about her flexibility and general easy going nature. You should be thankful.

I don't have that sort of DH. IF I tried what you did he'd kick me with a shoe up my behind. AND he'd have every right to. He's not my child, he is my partner.

You assume too much, we do talk. I don't need to get over anything. The country has only one president, most companies have one ceo. One man leads an army. Two people can talk till they are blue in the face, but eventually in some cases, one has to decide.

You can retire broke, I choose not too.

[kork13]

can't we all just sit down for a cold beverage and get along ?

[maat55]

Originally Posted by kork13

can't we all just sit down for a cold beverage and get along ?

I'll get the first pitcher.

[minnie1928]

I'll be honest, when I read the OP I was a bit thrown. But after reading all the pages I've calmed down a bit.

When my husband & I got married 17 years ago we were financially complete opposites...he spent and I saved. Many years ago we sat down and came up with a financial plan for our future. Once we did that, it took the me vs. him mentality out of all of OUR financial decisions. We make JOINT decisions on all sizable financial decisions and we've built a budget that WE stick to. There wouldn't be an occasion where either one of us would the sole decision maker.

Also, FWIW I'm the one that does all the bill paying (with my husband's paycheck) each month. I'm currently retired and at home so I have the time (plus I'm an Accountant, so I actually enjoy it). However, my husband is completely in the loop with our finances since we DISCUSS them frequently.

[cptacek]

Matt, I don't think you are crazy. It sounds like you have had to make the choices you are making in order to do what is best for your family (wife included). And from previous posts, I know you WISH your wife was more adult in how she approaches money, but she isn't. So you are doing what you have to do.

[Fizgig]

Originally Posted by maat55

When both partners, couples, whatever do not agree on something that has to be decided, HOW DO YOU GET IT SOLVED?

Each person explains their reasoning, and hopefully both people agree that one stance makes more sense. If neither person is swayed, then the decision is made by the person who cares more about the issue.

[jeffrey]

Wow, I certainly hope I don't have to spend an hour cleaning up a mess like this again. The rules of the forum are very simple - no personal attacks.

I realize that there are certain issues where people have strong opinions on both sides, but that does not give anyone permission to get personal. You need to argue your points on the points - simple as that. If you have any issues with this rule, pm me.

[ScrimpAndSave]

:: passes the popcorn ::

[PrincessPerky]

Thank you Jeffery for stepping in, I am sorry you had to.

[pearlieq]

Originally Posted by maat55

I am the head of my household, because my wife say's I am.

While the whole "submit to your husband because the Bible says it" makes my skin crawl, I can't see any objection to the above. Presumably she's an intelligent woman with free will. If that's how she wants to live her life, it's no one's business but her and her husband's.

When both partners, couples, whatever do not agree on something that has to be decided, HOW DO YOU GET IT SOLVED?

DH and I have an absolutely egalitarian marriage and I wouldn't tolerate anything but. We are fully equal.

When we are in a position where we are completely deadlocked we don't take any action until a compromise can be worked out.

Take your car example--I want to spend less than the allotted 12k, he wants to spend more. We would both lay out our arguments for our position. If one of us can convince the other, problem solved. Likely we will see merit in each other's arguments and meet in the middle--say we agree to spend 1k more to get a car with a particular safety feature.

If we can't sway each other or compromise, we evaluate the relative "strength" of our arguments and one of us may possibly choose to give in. I might decide "I would prefer, on principle, to stick to our budget, but this seems really important to DH. We have extra money set aside, so it wouldn't be the end of the world to spend a little extra on a car for him".

Or, he may think "I really want this snazzy new car, but I understand that our emergency fund is low and that really bothers DW. I can make do with a less expensive car this time."

If we were still at an impasse, we would walk away from the dealership until a mutually agreed-upon solution could be found.

If we still couldn't work out an agreement, honestly, we'd likely divorce.

I know it sounds kind of funny, divorcing over a car, but it wouldn't really be about the car. We would be divorcing because we couldn't work together as a team and compromise. And if you can't do that, why bother being married?

Obviously we're still married, so somehow compromise and respect for each other's desires has prevailed.

I can only imagine a few issues where a true compromise possibly couldn't be reached (i.e. whether or not to have kids, fidelity, conversion to a new religion). In that case, again, divorce may have to be the ultimate resolution to the issue.

[maat55]

[

QUOTE=pearlieq;186459]While the whole "submit to your husband because the Bible says it" makes my skin crawl, I can't see any objection to the above. Presumably she's an intelligent woman with free will. If that's how she wants to live her life, it's no one's business but her and her husband's.

A long on going joke in our family is that I fall fourth in the order of importance, behind my two daughters and the dog. Fizgig best describes our way of making decisions. Things that I consider very important and she doesn't, get desided by me and vise versa.

If we were still at an impasse, we would walk away from the dealership until a mutually agreed-upon solution could be found.

I'm not locked on setting a price, just locked on the determination to only pay cash. And she's OK with that.