wedding planning woes

[maat55]

IMO, if you want to squander that much money on the reception, your young enough to recover. Buy I strongly urge that you not accept such an large amount from your parents. You need to judge an amount that they can save face, but not harm them.

Expensive weddings are no different than buying expensive cars and flashy jewelry. It's all show and only remembered by the ones who have to pay the bill.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by maat55

Expensive weddings are no different than buying expensive cars and flashy jewelry. It's all show and only remembered by the ones who have to pay the bill.

Here's my weakness for social events again.

I'd have to disagree with this. I think there is a big difference between spending money on an experience and spending money on things. An experience, whether it is a wedding, a concert, a vacation, etc. is something that provides memories that last a lifetime. A car or a big TV or some other thing only provides enjoyment while you have it. I still think back fondly to trips we've taken, look at pictures, read my travel log. I never think back fondly to my last car or my previous computer.

I've been married over 16 years. Our friends, to this day, still periodically talk about our reception. Several of them still stay it is the nicest wedding they've ever been to.

I know there are a few affairs that stand out in my mind as truly memorable experiences.

The question in this thread isn't how much is too much for a wedding. That's a very subjective question, as we've seen from the responses. The question is can OP afford the wedding she is planning?

[maat55]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

The question in this thread isn't how much is too much for a wedding. That's a very subjective question, as we've seen from the responses. The question is can OP afford the wedding she is planning?

There are a lot of things people can afford, at the moment. I take in account their debt and their assets. If they asked me if they could afford a 21-25k car, I would say no, at this time. I don't give exception to an wedding, especially because it is a one day event.

As I said eariler, they can pay for this and recover(I think it is a huge waste)but I am more concerned about the parents being dragged into this extravagant nonsense.

1, 5, or 10 years from now, 10k of that reception cost is going to come in very handy. They will remember forever whether they burdened their parents. These are the hangovers that come with rediculous spending.

I hope that whatever they do, that the real meaning of their wedding is observed and there are no regrets.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Pay for the wedding you want. I wouldn't trade my wedding both of them. One was for me and one was for everyone else.

Sure could my $15k have come in handy? Yes. But heck I got some great memories of my day, my honeymoon, my photos.

I could have bought a $15k car but honestly I had a better time with wedding and honeymoon than driving a nicer car or newer furniture.

[jIM_Ohio]

I like the "experience vs things" analagy.

We had a relatively large wedding- a tradition in my family. I am one of 22 cousins from 6 siblings which are all real close. Might even be at 24 or 26 cousins now and with all the cousins starting to have kids, some family pictures have close to 75 people in them at these weddings.

You cannot put a price on any of that.

For example I remember the one wedding where EVERYONE and I mean every single cousin, aunt, uncle and cousins KIDS were in the picture after the wedding. That was special and more than likely that will be the last time that happens (popular cousins are all now married and the last few which are single are either far away or "out there".

Plus the stories of why my BIL's BIL cannot stand the taste of Killians irish red (he got real sick on it at my wedding) is priceless. I hear that story the 2-3 times per year I see my BILs BIL. The story of same BIL BIL showing up literally as my wife was walking down the aisle, the story about something blue falling from under my wife's dress, or the story about the ring not fitting on my wife's finger or the story about how nervous I was that day when I am usually so calm and how calm my wife was when she is usually so nervous...

the stories from a wedding day will last a lifetime if you remain close to one or two people involved.

We had to memorize our vows and 7 years later to this day I could recite them to my wife and wife could recite them back to me as well- I would not hold back on a wedding because of money- if we did most of what I described here would not exist.

That would make bearing 10k of sudden cc debt tougher to take

[almostalumping]

Thanks for your input, Everyone!! It has definitely given my fiance and me plenty of food for thought.

I think the biggest thing bugging me is paying $70 per person for a place we don't really like, but going with it because it was the cheapest place we could find.

I called and visited so many other places, and they were all well over $100 a head. My aunt knows the manager at this place, so he gave us a break from $76 pp down to $70. Unfortunately, you can really tell that it doesn't cost as much just by looking at it.

The guest list is a huge problem. We both come from very large families, so the first draft of the list was over 300 people. It's been murder to cut it down to 210, with both sets of parents resisting every cut we make. In my ideal world, we'd only be having ~100-125 people, but I know that it's not going to happen. Most of the list are out of town guests, so maybe we'll have a lot of declines, but I'm not sure.

Unfortunately, having such a large guest list has made it impossible to go with non-traditional reception halls like a fire-hall because all of those people just won't fit.

We don't have to put anymore money down until July 2009, so we're going to keep thinking about all of this and looking for more places until then. It's just hard when I'm in CA, he's in MA, and the wedding is in PA. We'll have a better idea then what kind of financial shape we're in.

[disneysteve]

OP, does that price include a full open bar? If so, have you considered doing just a limited bar - beer, wine and maybe a couple of pre-selected mixed drinks like appletinis and cosmos? With that many people, you could probably trim a couple thousand dollars off the bill by doing that.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by almostalumping

It's been murder to cut it down to 210, with both sets of parents resisting every cut we make.

Who is paying for the wedding? If you and your fiance are paying for it, then YOU AND YOUR FIANCE get to make the guest list. If your parents and his parents are paying, they get to make the guest list.

We had those battles when I got married but my inlaws were paying so we couldn't cut people who they wanted since they were paying the bill. There were probably at least 40 people at our wedding who we wouldn't have invited had we been paying for it.

[jIM_Ohio]

Originally Posted by almostalumping

Thanks for your input, Everyone!! It has definitely given my fiance and me plenty of food for thought.

I think the biggest thing bugging me is paying $70 per person for a place we don't really like, but going with it because it was the cheapest place we could find.

I called and visited so many other places, and they were all well over $100 a head. My aunt knows the manager at this place, so he gave us a break from $76 pp down to $70. Unfortunately, you can really tell that it doesn't cost as much just by looking at it.

The guest list is a huge problem. We both come from very large families, so the first draft of the list was over 300 people. It's been murder to cut it down to 210, with both sets of parents resisting every cut we make. In my ideal world, we'd only be having ~100-125 people, but I know that it's not going to happen. Most of the list are out of town guests, so maybe we'll have a lot of declines, but I'm not sure.

Unfortunately, having such a large guest list has made it impossible to go with non-traditional reception halls like a fire-hall because all of those people just won't fit.

We don't have to put anymore money down until July 2009, so we're going to keep thinking about all of this and looking for more places until then. It's just hard when I'm in CA, he's in MA, and the wedding is in PA. We'll have a better idea then what kind of financial shape we're in.

What area do you live in (rural or city)? $76 plate is high- what do you get for this? We paid around $35/plate (buffet) and had DJ included in that price for a 175 guest guarantee. I live in Ohio and got married 7 years ago. Cincy suburb.

Is the cost Buffet or sit down meal? We had meal choices ($29 for appetizers, $31 for one meat, $33 for two...)- is the $76 for all meals, bar and appetizers? Is wedding cake included? Have you been to any bridal shows?

Maybe consider using a non wedding type hall. Wedding places know people pay out of their a$$ for weddings and overcharge for everything. If you can find a church hall, VFW or similar, then hire a caterer, you might make out MUCH better. The few times I have needed a caterer, they came much cheaper than $35/person.

Guest list- easy do an A list B list and C list

A list are people you think will attend and the closest people to you (the 125 you mentioned). The B list are the people the parents want invited, yet 50% of them won't show anyway. The C list are the people you want to come and parents could care less about.

Send invites for A and B list early. As you get regrets coming in, send the C list invites out one at a time. Have a priority on the C list. Time this so C list has 8 weeks to respond. A and B lists might need to go out at 15 weeks to get reponses by 10 weeks out.

We knew we had to invite certain people out of formality. Once they returned with a "no" the entire C list was able to attend. If we had the whole list, we were looking at 250-300 and we only wanted about 225. Hall minimum was 175.

If people get concerned about whether they get an invite, they need to be on the B list or not know anyone on the A or B list. For example coworkers are best left for C list, but that friend which knows someone on A list should not be on the C list (they would get invites about 8 weeks apart and the goal is to be transparent about this).

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by jIM_Ohio

What area do you live in? $76 plate is high- what do you get for this? We paid around $35/plate (buffet) and had DJ included in that price for a 175 guest guarantee. I live in Ohio and got married 7 years ago.

Where've you been, Jim? We've covered this already.

Here in the northeast, $76/person is NOT high at all. As OP said, that is the cheapest place she has found. Most were over $100.

I can't imagine $35/person including a DJ. Just the DJ for DD's Bat Mitzvah this month is $2,500. The buffet is $58/person. Open bar is $18/person. We're only paying $3.50/person for the bar because we're providing the alcohol. I know our guests won't drink $15/person worth of liquor (some probably will but very few) so we were able to cut costs that way.

[jIM_Ohio]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

Where've you been, Jim? We've covered this already.

Here in the northeast, $76/person is NOT high at all. As OP said, that is the cheapest place she has found. Most were over $100.

I can't imagine $35/person including a DJ. Just the DJ for DD's Bat Mitzvah this month is $2,500. The buffet is $58/person. Open bar is $18/person. We're only paying $3.50/person for the bar because we're providing the alcohol. I know our guests won't drink $15/person worth of liquor (some probably will but very few) so we were able to cut costs that way.

I saw the PA location and I consider PA to be a lower class version of Ohio. LOL. I think a little work and things can be found for cheaper- like find the hall and find the caterer seperately.

[zetta]

The guest list is a huge problem. We both come from very large families, so the first draft of the list was over 300 people. It's been murder to cut it down to 210, with both sets of parents resisting every cut we make. In my ideal world, we'd only be having ~100-125 people, but I know that it's not going to happen. Most of the list are out of town guests, so maybe we'll have a lot of declines, but I'm not sure.

Unfortunately, having such a large guest list has made it impossible to go with non-traditional reception halls like a fire-hall because all of those people just won't fit.

I don't really have an opinion on whether your financial situation permits spending $25k for a wedding with a dinner and dancing reception for the full guest list.

Imagine you are planning a family reunion for a family of 300 instead of a wedding. Somehow I don't think you'd be paying for a hall and a $70/head sit-down dinner -- there would be some other venue (such as a park) where everyone would meet and throw a pot-luck BBQ. So if you are open to a BBQ reception (picking up take-out food rather than catered) or a cake-only reception at a church, there is probably some way to make this a lot cheaper. You just have to decide what is most important to you -- the size of the guest list, the style of the event, or the total money spent.

[almostalumping]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

OP, does that price include a full open bar? If so, have you considered doing just a limited bar - beer, wine and maybe a couple of pre-selected mixed drinks like appletinis and cosmos? With that many people, you could probably trim a couple thousand dollars off the bill by doing that.

This is exactly the problem that we ran into- every reception hall that we talked to or visited has a "celebration package" that includes everything (cocktail hour with appetizers, deluxe 4 hour bar, salad, dinner, intermezzo, wedding cake, and a separate dessert). You can add things to the package, but you can't take reduce or take anything away.

I was really frustrated when I went to these places because I did ask if we could do a limited bar and take out the extra dessert, the intermezzo, and some of the appetizer choices, and they looked at me like I had three heads and said that they could not allow that.

[almostalumping]

Originally Posted by jIM_Ohio

I saw the PA location and I consider PA to be a lower class version of Ohio. LOL. I think a little work and things can be found for cheaper- like find the hall and find the caterer seperately.

That's another thing we discovered- each of the halls we looked at had a specific caterer that you must use if you book the hall. Absolutely no outside food or drink can be brought in. Very frustrating.

[almostalumping]

Originally Posted by jIM_Ohio

What area do you live in (rural or city)? $76 plate is high- what do you get for this? We paid around $35/plate (buffet) and had DJ included in that price for a 175 guest guarantee. I live in Ohio and got married 7 years ago. Cincy suburb.

Is the cost Buffet or sit down meal? We had meal choices ($29 for appetizers, $31 for one meat, $33 for two...)- is the $76 for all meals, bar and appetizers? Is wedding cake included? Have you been to any bridal shows?

Maybe consider using a non wedding type hall. Wedding places know people pay out of their a$$ for weddings and overcharge for everything. If you can find a church hall, VFW or similar, then hire a caterer, you might make out MUCH better. The few times I have needed a caterer, they came much cheaper than $35/person.

Guest list- easy do an A list B list and C list

The wedding will be in a suburb about 45 minutes outside of Philadelphia.

The $70 pp is the complete, non-negotiable package (all food/drink plus the hall).

I think that if I can find a non wedding type hall that can hold all of those people, we may go with that. So far I haven't been able to find one.

I'm pushing for the A, B, and C list. My fiance is living home with his parents and has gotten caught up in the "we have to invite everyone on the current list and can't make any cuts" idea. He did manage to convince his mom to make the cuts they already have, but I think there are definitely more people he/his parents could cut. We're just not seeing eye to eye on that issue right now.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by almostalumping

The wedding will be in a suburb about 45 minutes outside of Philadelphia.

The $70 pp is the complete, non-negotiable package (all food/drink plus the hall).

I think that if I can find a non wedding type hall that can hold all of those people, we may go with that. So far I haven't been able to find one.

I'm pushing for the A, B, and C list. My fiance is living home with his parents and has gotten caught up in the "we have to invite everyone on the current list and can't make any cuts" idea. He did manage to convince his mom to make the cuts they already have, but I think there are definitely more people he/his parents could cut. We're just not seeing eye to eye on that issue right now.

As the father paying for my daughters wedding, we ran into the problem with the other parents wanting to invite more than we were willing to accept. So, we marched right over to their house and nicely told them that they had a certain amount of invites, period.

If you and your fiance are in control of this wedding, lookout.(War of the Roses)

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by almostalumping

This is exactly the problem that we ran into- every reception hall that we talked to or visited has a "celebration package" that includes everything (cocktail hour with appetizers, deluxe 4 hour bar, salad, dinner, intermezzo, wedding cake, and a separate dessert). You can add things to the package, but you can't take reduce or take anything away.

Originally Posted by almostalumping

each of the halls we looked at had a specific caterer that you must use if you book the hall.

I find it a little hard to believe, especially in the current economy, that the caterers don't offer a variety of packages. One-size-fits-all doesn't work very well. I would think they'd be willing to negotiate unless they already have more business than they can handle.

What you need to find is a hall that isn't tied to one caterer. Some halls will let you bring in your own caterer or at least give you a list of approved caterers.

Have you looked into non-traditional venues like museums, the aquarium, etc.? Not sure where outside of Philly you are but we have attended affairs at the Philadelphia Art Museum, the Camden Aquarium, the Franklin Institute and other such places. Have you checked out all of the hotels in the area? I know several of the center city hotels have beautiful ball rooms. My cousin got married at the Union League building on Broad Street (though that was probably a lot more than $70/person).

I don't know where you've looked, but if you are that close to Philly, it seems to me you should be able to find a place that lets you bring in your own caterer or at least will work with you to tailor a package to your budget and taste.

[Well Spent]

Ugh. I feel for you, Almostalumping. It's tough. I don't envy the choices you have to make. Marriage ceremonies and receptions are so important, but it's the whole industry has become a racket.