I Need to Vent!!!!

[rob62521]

I'm very frustrated and I need to vent. Over a month ago we sent out invitations to a dinner party at a local restaurant for my husband's retirement. We will be paying for the meal and we requested no gifts. My husband is retiring after 35 years from the public library. Many of the people are friends or coworkers he's been with for a long time. All we asked is to R.S.V.P. by August 26 so we have a month to plan (and save!) for the dinner. We have had to, on almost one fourth for these people, contact them and ask them if they planned on coming. That was frustrating enough that they couldn't or wouldn't give us an answer yay or nay by the deadline. But what is equally frustrating is some of these same people can't tell us if they are bringing someone or coming alone. We have to pay for the dinners of the people and the restaurant needs to have the number because the size of group determines which room we get and also how much we will be charged. I truly don't get people anymore.

[kork13]

I feel your pain. I have setup many similar organizational dinners where people simply don't respond, or don't give you the information you need, or in the case of the events i've setup, wouldn't pay for it. Yea, they're willing to finally do it if you corner them and ask about it, but otherwise, nothing.

I think this is in part due to a cultural change. We have become a much more casual society. Some examples... Day-to-day, few people use "sir" and "ma'am". Often, children refer to adults by their first name rather than sir/ma'am, or Mr/Ms. Also, letter-writing has in large part disappeared. It's now email, text-messaging, etc. Long story short, we have become a less formalized society. When you say to RSVP by ___, people casually write it off, plan on attending, and show up. They were invited, so clearly they were expected.

[disneysteve]

What is even worse is there are always a few folks who RSVP and don't show up, after you've already paid for them. Or people who never RSVPed and do show up.

We're in that process right now with my daughter's Bat Mitzvah at the end of September. The RSVP date is 9/8. We're still missing about 1/3 of the responses. I'm waiting to see how many folks we have to call to get their answer.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

kork, I think I agree with you that pervasive informality is part of the cause of so few RSVPs.

Years ago, before I knew better, I was heartsick to get only one reply to the invitations to my kid's 8th birthday party. I took it personally that all the others had no answer. I thought no answer was likely a reply of, "no." And boy did I feel sad for my child. I don't even remember now what I did about it, but I did just go ahead and prepare for everyone to show up. And I think they all did. That's no big deal when the party is cake, ice cream, paper airplane flying contests, and moon-viewing through a telescope. But when it is a seated dinner at a restaurant? Oh, good grief!

[MiikeB]

Free dinner out? Who could refuse!

Seriously though, I would put an RSVP date and just make a small note that says if you have not made a decision by x date then we will assume you arent coming.

Nothing u can do now except just hope it works out

[kork13]

Originally Posted by MiikeB

Seriously though, I would put an RSVP date and just make a small note that says if you have not made a decision by x date then we will assume you arent coming.

Unfortunately, this could easily lead to a good deal of hurt feelings, embarrassment, etc... Because what could you do if one of 'those people' show up, as they are so likely to do? "I'm sorry, Aunt Betty/Boss/co-worker/best friend... You didn't RSVP, so I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Sadly, it just doesn't work like that (at least not in any of my circles).


OP, what I always did was to build in a margin of error, and eat the cost if necessary. Judge from the responses (affirm v. neg), and v. non-responses. If 70% of my responses said they would come, i would normally plan for between 35-70% (only you know your group of friends best) of the non-responses to show up. Yes, it can get expensive, but if you've got a cushion of funds to do this with, I find it works pretty well. For my events, where I charge money for them, I always padded the cost of the event to provide that "cushion" necessary to cover the costs of no-shows and/or those wasted seats from my margin of error.

[mom-from-missouri]

I think people are just loosing their manners.

I went to a wedding reception years ago that was by invitation only to get in. After I sent in my RSVP I was sent the fancy invitiation with a note I had to show it at the door. At first I thought it was tacky, but after I got there, and saw the meals were probably $50 or more each, I understood (Lobster and steak, cavier...).

I did see people turned away from the dinner--actually they were directed away from the assigned seating for the meal to a lounge area--so they were allowed to say for the reception, but did not eat. I really didn't feel sorry for them-they had 30 days to respond.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by mom-from-missouri

I went to a wedding reception years ago that was by invitation only to get in.

Aren't ALL wedding receptions by invitation only?

[Cassandra]

Originally Posted by mom-from-missouri

I think people are just loosing their manners.

I went to a wedding reception years ago that was by invitation only to get in. After I sent in my RSVP I was sent the fancy invitiation with a note I had to show it at the door. At first I thought it was tacky, but after I got there, and saw the meals were probably $50 or more each, I understood (Lobster and steak, cavier...).

I did see people turned away from the dinner--actually they were directed away from the assigned seating for the meal to a lounge area--so they were allowed to say for the reception, but did not eat. I really didn't feel sorry for them-they had 30 days to respond.

I wish more brides would do this. Over the summer we had 3 weddings where the bride told us XX amount of people would be there but the number of people that showed up was far greater than what she told us. At one wedding, 25 extra people came! And we were expected to provide seating and food for these people at last minute.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by Cassandra

I wish more brides would do this. Over the summer we had 3 weddings where the bride told us XX amount of people would be there but the number of people that showed up was far greater than what she told us. At one wedding, 25 extra people came! And we were expected to provide seating and food for these people at last minute.

I don't understand that. Prior to the date of the affair, the couple should have either gotten mailed responses from everyone or called the folks who didn't reply, therefore knowing exactly who was coming and who wasn't. How could 25 people who said no suddenly decide to come after all?

[kork13]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

I don't understand that. Prior to the date of the affair, the couple should have either gotten mailed responses from everyone or called the folks who didn't reply, therefore knowing exactly who was coming and who wasn't. How could 25 people who said no suddenly decide to come after all?

.... if only we lived in a perfect world....

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by kork13

.... if only we lived in a perfect world....

So you send out invitations to a wedding and don't bother to contact the people who don't RSVP? Then you get upset when people show up who you weren't expecting?

How could you plan your seating arrangements if you weren't sure who was coming? How could you tell the caterer how many people to cook for if you weren't sure who was coming? How could you know how many favors you needed if you weren't sure who was coming?

Our RSVP date for our upcoming affair is 9/8. Next weekend, we will be calling anyone who hasn't sent their response. We will absolutely contact anyone we haven't heard from.

[kork13]

oh, i totally understand, and agree.... i was just trying to point out the lack of a certain measure of..... responsibility on the part of the couple. Because you're right. I (or most people i know) would never plan an event like a wedding, dinner, or anything requiring that sort of coordination without knowing how many people were going to be there, or at least have a confident estimate with a bit of 'wiggle room' added in....

[Exile]

I have a SIL who either shows up late or not at all when DW invites her. A few times SIL offered to come by and take us out to dinner then stood us up. DW is no more pleased with this behavior than I am but toleraters it because of sisterly bonds. I understand, but such repeated inconsideration has destroyed my relationship with SIL.

[Exile]

Originally Posted by Joan.of.the.Arch

kork, I think I agree with you that pervasive informality is part of the cause of so few RSVPs.

Rather than pervasive informality, I attribute this kind of rudeness to pervase narcissism. I don't understand how people can be so thoughtless. Surely at one time or another in their lives they must have planned an event that called for an RSVP. How did they feel when they were stood up?

It's bad enought that we have to follow up those who don't respond to an invitation but in doing so, if invitees gives an indecisive reply, I would just express regrets that they won't be able to attend and go on to the next person on the "no response list" .

[marvholly]

My DB & SIL are SOOO much like this. Invites go out. No response. Call and get the I have to check w/ other spouse. STILL no call back. I have not invited them to anything since youngest DD got married 3 years ago. I will NOT deal with JERKS!!!

[mom-from-missouri]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

Aren't ALL wedding receptions by invitation only?

It was a reception one that you had to show at the door! (like on the James Bond movies)

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Originally Posted by Exile

Rather than pervasive informality, I attribute this kind of rudeness to pervase narcissism. I don't understand how people can be so thoughtless. Surely at one time or another in their lives they must have planned an event that called for an RSVP. How did they feel when they were stood up? .

I can agree that that could be part of the cause, too. Another thing is that busy people just set aside the invitations intending to take care of it later, then they forget about it. Disorganization? Laziness? Dread?

[rob62521]

Originally Posted by Exile

It's bad enought that we have to follow up those who don't respond to an invitation but in doing so, if invitees gives an indecisive reply, I would just express regrets that they won't be able to attend and go on to the next person on the "no response list" .

That's a great plan except DH is so easy going...until we sat down with the owner of the restaurant and explained we don't have an exact number. DH finally realized that for seating and cost we have to have an exact number. I, on the other hand, emailed a couple and just said, "Since we have not heard from you, I am assuming you are not coming to the retirement party." They have a history of being late and/or forgetful. It certainly takes the joy of throwing any kind of festive event.

[Cassandra]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

So you send out invitations to a wedding and don't bother to contact the people who don't RSVP? Then you get upset when people show up who you weren't expecting?

How could you plan your seating arrangements if you weren't sure who was coming? How could you tell the caterer how many people to cook for if you weren't sure who was coming? How could you know how many favors you needed if you weren't sure who was coming?

Our RSVP date for our upcoming affair is 9/8. Next weekend, we will be calling anyone who hasn't sent their response. We will absolutely contact anyone we haven't heard from.

I think also part of it is that the bride wanted 100+ people to be there, but couldn't afford it, so she told us a lower number that she could afford and still invited 100+ people.

Then there are the people who originally say they can't attend, but change their mind, and show up without telling the bride/host that they are coming.