need some help with family issue

[ummabdullah]

hi there,

I haven't posted in a while but this is the only place I know where everyone feels comfortable to talk about money.

I am having an issue with an aunt of mine. My husband brings home really good money in the 10's of thousands a month. And being a typical saver I do not tend to spend much of it in terms of buying expensive cars or living in pricey houses. When I do spend some it is usually on awesome designer clothing for my daughter or for a designer handbag for myself.

My issue is that my family doesn't really understand that this is not alot of money for me. It is usual for me to carry around 2 or 3 grand in my pocket and not really worry if it gets lost.

Well I decided to go on vacation and visit my aunt for a month and half in which I transferred 5k into her account ( I get a better exchange rate this way). And she flips out everytime I mention something I would like to buy or that I would like to hold 1k on me at the very least in case I see something that I just have to have. To me this really isn't her business how I spend my money (between you and me I saved this 5k just so I could spend it the way I like on my holiday.)

The problem is that I think my aunt has a real hang up with money and those who do well in their lives. She doesn't seem to understand how much things cost these days and that I have actually been quite reserved with my holiday budget. What is wrong with having a few extra dollars and being able to wine and dine my family the way they deserve? Take them to nice places and buy them the extras that make them happy. And if they don't want it then what is wrong with me doing it for myself once and while if I can well afford it?

[maat55]

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. might work. Good luck.

[disneysteve]

I understand your problem, but I'm bothered by the fact that you transferred money into somebody else's account. (I'm also bothered by the fact that someone else gave you that type of access to their account but that's a different issue.) When you did that, you opened the door to scrutiny that you'd rather not have since she then saw how the money was being spent. If that type of situation ever comes up again, I'd keep the money to yourself even if it means getting a lower exchange rate. That way only you know how much you have and how you are spending it. It is certainly not her business how you choose to spend your money. When people make comments like that, it is often out of jealousy because they can't afford the same things that you can.

[ummabdullah]

Steve as always you are full of wisdom!

Yes I admit that I have invited the devils in as it were by transferring the money to her account in the first place. And it is something I will be well aware of in the future.

I have to make a confession that even she doesn't know about if thats okay. The transfer is mainly so that I could deposit some money into her account because she refuses to let me give her any. I am hoping on leaving 2k for her and depositing some in every month without mentioning it to her. She really has no reason to be jealous (which you are spot on about) as my money is her money and she is closer to me than my own mother. And I am constantly offering to buy her anything (houses, clothes, cars) that she needs.

But she has too much pride for her own good and a chip on her shoulder for anyone who imagines enjoying life a little.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by ummabdullah

And I am constantly offering to buy her anything (houses, clothes, cars) that she needs.

But she has too much pride for her own good and a chip on her shoulder for anyone who imagines enjoying life a little.

I have that type of relationship with my mother (with her wanting to give me money) and I can tell you from my end that it is very awkward. I don't want her money. I don't need her money. Having her give me money makes me feel like she thinks I can't manage those things on my own. She sometimes doesn't get that we haven't bought a particular item not because we can't afford it but because we have chosen not to spend our money in that way. Her giving us the item throws that system out of whack. I'll be 44 in 2 days and still haven't figured out how to handle this.

[ummabdullah]

I guess when you love someone as much as your mother loves you and I my aunt, then we just want them to have the best.

I know my aunt would love to have nice things but she is a widow and unable to afford them. As her daughter I just want to take care of her and make her happy even if it means buying her things I would not buy myself. Most of all I'd like to make sure she is safe, debt free, and comfortable so she doesn't have to worry about when next months grocery money will be here. And I just don't understand why she would feel bad that I would want to pay her back for all the support and love she has given me over the years.

It sounds like your mother really loves you DohaSteve.

[ummabdullah]

And to add:

now that you have let me know what she could be feeling perhaps I can approach the subject differently. Would it help if your mother explained that she has a few bobs to give you and although she knows your doing really well that you can save it or spend it in whatever way suits your fancy?

[ClearClouds]

at the end of the day do what makes YOU happy. just remember that money can buy lots of things...but it can't buy happiness. try to find a solution that works for you. some individuals don't want to be wined and dined as a sign of love. they just want the simple things....a hug or kind words saying how much you appreciate them try those things first and maybe she will be more receptive to you gestures.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

She might feel materially satisfied and secure enough even if her income is very small. She might be more pleased to see you "pass it on," than "give back." If you think and do a little research, you might be able to find a charity that helps young children and their guardians who are in tough financial situations. A donation there could show your aunt that you have the same sort of heart as she did when you were a child in need. You could tell her about the donation and why, because of her, the charity appealed to you.

[ummabdullah]

Thank you to everyone for your feedback

we had a chat last night and decided to put any extra money in a joint account. Which could be used by either of us should we need it, when I visit the us on holiday and/or for family members in hardship.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by ummabdullah

hi there,

I haven't posted in a while but this is the only place I know where everyone feels comfortable to talk about money.

I am having an issue with an aunt of mine. My husband brings home really good money in the 10's of thousands a month. And being a typical saver I do not tend to spend much of it in terms of buying expensive cars or living in pricey houses. When I do spend some it is usually on awesome designer clothing for my daughter or for a designer handbag for myself.

My issue is that my family doesn't really understand that this is not alot of money for me. It is usual for me to carry around 2 or 3 grand in my pocket and not really worry if it gets lost.

Well I decided to go on vacation and visit my aunt for a month and half in which I transferred 5k into her account ( I get a better exchange rate this way). And she flips out everytime I mention something I would like to buy or that I would like to hold 1k on me at the very least in case I see something that I just have to have. To me this really isn't her business how I spend my money (between you and me I saved this 5k just so I could spend it the way I like on my holiday.)

The problem is that I think my aunt has a real hang up with money and those who do well in their lives. She doesn't seem to understand how much things cost these days and that I have actually been quite reserved with my holiday budget. What is wrong with having a few extra dollars and being able to wine and dine my family the way they deserve? Take them to nice places and buy them the extras that make them happy. And if they don't want it then what is wrong with me doing it for myself once and while if I can well afford it?

Sorry, but the part I bolded above, makes me feel very uncomfortable with this thread.

If you were carrying 2-3k in cash in your pocket, I'd feel extremely uncomfortable being with you knowing this. Whether you are male or female, I'd still be not comfortable with it.

IMO your money is yours to do with as you and your SO want.... but I'd not want to be at risk by being with someone carrying that much cash. IMO you can spend as you will without carrying cash.

Good luck.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by Seeker

If you were carrying 2-3k in cash in your pocket, I'd feel extremely uncomfortable being with you knowing this. Whether you are male or female, I'd still be not comfortable with it.

IMO you can spend as you will without carrying cash.

It depends on where you are and what you are doing. If you are in a foreign country and don't want to pay the fee to your credit card company for the currency conversion, you will want to deal in cash. You may also be able to negotiate better deals when dealing in cash.

I can't say I've walked around with $3,000 in my pocket, but when we go to Atlantic City I always have at least $1,000 with me.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

It depends on where you are and what you are doing. If you are in a foreign country and don't want to pay the fee to your credit card company for the currency conversion, you will want to deal in cash. You may also be able to negotiate better deals when dealing in cash.

I can't say I've walked around with $3,000 in my pocket, but when we go to Atlantic City I always have at least $1,000 with me.

Yes, Steve, but to carry 1k in a foreign country (the specific situation described above) could also be viewed as "flaunting".... depending on the country. What's the borderline.... when does a person become at risk for being a target?

None of what's written changes my "feelings" and if I were the aunt in the above situation of having a niece visiting with a lot of cash on her, I'd probably be more than uncomfortable. The aunt would also be more familiar with the area they are in; and what is considered reasonable (safe) as far as carrying cash.

There are traveler's checks and other ways of getting cash when you absolutely need it. And places like Atlantic City and Las Vegas, I tend to feel more comfortable, because I know that there are cameras everywhere. It's not the same as being in a different land with a whole lot of cash.

Just pointing out that aside from "money taboos" (talking about money), there may be a valid reason for the aunt's money behavoir in public.

[gamecock43]

Seeker- could you instead get her gift certificates- this way even if she gets the gift card for her birthday and thinks "good heavens- I dont need to spend $500 at this kitchen store!" She can save the card and use it to buy christmas gifts and then is not in any kind of debt come january. I'm sure that would be a nice feeling every year. -but then she will feel obligated to get you a gift of equal value. So that does not work much.

[cschin4]

If you don't want people to know and/or comment on your finances, then you do not give them access to your financial situation. By transferring money into HER account, that now gives her some feeling of involvement. Carrying around large amounts of cash is no big deal unless you choose to routinely pull out $1000 bills and wave them around when you are buying stuff. Nobody knows how much I carry in my wallet. If I have a large amount of cash, I certainly do not keep it all in my wallet just for security reasons. If I have a large amount, I keep some stashed in my car, in the recesses of my pocketbook etc since I dont' want to open it and flash a large amount of money. This isn't because I am trying to hide my finances it is purely for personal safety, etc.
Could it be that you do flash and flaunt your wealth in some fashion? If you want to, fine, but then don't be upset if others comment on it one way or the other.
I simply do not discuss my finances with anyone. It really is not difficult to do so if you choose.

[cschin4]

Her giving us the item throws that system out of whack. I'll be 44 in 2 days and still haven't figured out how to handle this.
__________________

Steve. I have finally learned how to handle this with my mom. You accept the gift and say "thank you" and then do whatever you want with it. Most likely she isn't trying to make a point that you can't afford it, etc, she is trying to say to you "I know you like this so I decided to buy it for you because I love you". So, take it in the spirit in which it was given.
But, I have found that since my mom does this, there are times when I do not tell her about things I am thinking of buying, etc because she used to run out and buy it for me. And, a lot of times after thinking things over I realized I didn't want the item.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by cschin4

Steve. I have finally learned how to handle this with my mom. You accept the gift and say "thank you" and then do whatever you want with it. Most likely she isn't trying to make a point that you can't afford it, etc, she is trying to say to you "I know you like this so I decided to buy it for you because I love you". So, take it in the spirit in which it was given.
But, I have found that since my mom does this, there are times when I do not tell her about things I am thinking of buying, etc because she used to run out and buy it for me. And, a lot of times after thinking things over I realized I didn't want the item.

I see you deal with the same issue. Thanks for your post. Yes, sometimes we just accept the gift and say thanks. And we have definitely learned to not speak of things we might possibly want in her presence because she goes out and gets them without asking us.

I understand where it all comes from. She is 78 and figures she has more than enough money to meet her needs for the rest of her life, however long that may be. She has seen 2 of her sisters end up in nursing homes and all of their money going to pay the nursing home bills rather than passing to family members and she doesn't want that to happen with her money. She'd much rather give it away now and not have it end up that way. That actually makes a lot of sense. I've thought about having her give us money and just parking it in a MMA or CD. If she ever needs it, we'll give it back. Otherwise, we'll just have it as an advance on the inheritance.

[cschin4]

My mom is 77. For awhile after we bought our first house, my mom used to go to auctions to buy me stuff for the house. And, at first I tried to be appreciative. But, her tastes and my tastes did not meet! Anyway, I did have to just tell her to stop bringing me stuff from auction that I want to decorate my own home. ANd, for awhile she continued on but then when she brought something into the house, I told her no thanks and told her she would have to take it home with her. After she took home several ugly lamps that she bought me, she got the hint!
However, she now buys stuff for the kids. And, I do have to be careful to be gracious as well as I don't want to take the wind out her sails because she enjoys buying them things.
Also, in some ways buying you things allows them to feel useful and needed. Going on a shopping mission to find you the perfect thing is a way to still feel productive. And, I know that my mom is aging and not able to do many of the things she used to be able to do so I don't want to take away something she enjoys either.
However, if she does buy us something and I don't want it, I feel no qualms about just taking it to Goodwill and giving it away. I figure if she gives the item and I say "thank you" that is the end of it and she is happy. So, I just quietly get rid of the item if I don't want it but I don't make a point to tell her it is gone either.

[ummabdullah]

carrying a few grand in your pocket is considered quite normal in the areas I frequent. No I do not splash my money around or even show what I have in my pocket. One would only know if something I purchased was more than in my pocket and I had to dig into my hand bag.

But thank you for sounding exactly like my aunt who thinks a $1000 dollars is alot of money to carry around these days even in huntington beach where she lives and everyone lives in million dollar homes!

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by ummabdullah

carrying a few grand in your pocket is considered quite normal in the areas I frequent. No I do not splash my money around or even show what I have in my pocket. One would only know if something I purchased was more than in my pocket and I had to dig into my hand bag.

But thank you for sounding exactly like my aunt who thinks a $1000 dollars is alot of money to carry around these days even in huntington beach where she lives and everyone lives in million dollar homes!

Lol -- If you're talking about me sounding like your aunt... that's good. I probably am old enough to be your aunt.

Here's something to think about:

Crime Rate Comparison: Huntington Beach Vs. Redondo Beach

Two cities on the California coast. Instead of Redondo Beach, put in Rolling Hills (part of the Palos Verdes Peninsula area). All these areas have expensive homes by today's standards... but obviously some are safer than others. PV has considerably less crime than HB. And RB has some better stats than HB as well... some worse (depending on the crime).

"Comfort" or lack thereof, is dictated by a huge number of factors. Being aware of your surroundings is half the battle.