Baby Shower for Baby #3????

[hopefulfirefly]

I was just informed that my SIL is having a baby shower (thrown by my MIL) for baby #3. She has two kids, 4 and 6, and can't really afford either of them, so she's complaining about how much she needs to buy for the new baby and so they are throwing her a baby shower. She is always spending her money on stupid things and then complaining that she is broke. The kids always have new clothes, attend expensive skating lessons twice a week, and they have a brand new plasma TV in their living room.

Meanwhile, DH and I are trying so hard to save up enough cash to adopt a baby and have a fully funded EF, and I'm supposed to spend money on her baby shower while she blows all of her own money? I'm so annoyed. Would you go? Do you agree this is tacky and wrong, or is my opinion too biased?

[sweeps]

Yes, it is tacky. Even baby shower #2 is tacky, imho.

[Aleta]

I really think that one baby shower is understandable bu tnot 2 and 3? Unless she is really in need can change how you feel about helping someone out.

Tell your husband how you feel about it and maybe he could say something to his mother maybe like inviting new people who didn't go to the first 2. It's always a sticky situation when it's family. Buy her a subscription to a parenting magazine if you have to get her something.

[stressedmama]

Since it is family you should probably go. However don't feel obligated to spend much....maybe $10 on a pckg of diapers/wipes.

Hhmm I have slightly different feelings for a 2nd baby shower. IMO, I think you should only have one if the people giving you a 2nd shower did not come to your first (perhaps if for child 2 you are at a different job, church, etc) and those people want to give you a small shower. Do not invite your family and close friends again.

I've gone to a couple of 2nd baby showers and typically I give diapers or a small outfit in leiu of giving them a small gift when the baby is born.

[disneysteve]

I would give something practical, like diapers, wipes, some new bottles, etc. I don't think a shower is necessary, but nothing wrong with giving a gift for a new baby.

[MonkeyMama]

It depends. I have been to the tackiest of tackiest gift grubbing showers (& declined a few invites as such).

But some people just want to genuinely share in the joy of their new baby or maybe they have a girl when they already had boys, or large gaps between children, etc. I see nothing wrong with that.

Since it is a relative I would probably shell out for diapers or something useful. Just to keep the peace. If it was anyone else and it bugged me, I just wouldn't go.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Yep, diapers, the universal baby shower gift. The mean side of me says, if they are disposables only users, give cloth --or vice versa.

[hopefulfirefly]

Originally Posted by Joan.of.the.Arch

Yep, diapers, the universal baby shower gift. The mean side of me says, if they are disposables only users, give cloth --or vice versa.

LOL! GREAT IDEA! I actually am very pro-breastfeeding and cloth diapering and she is not. She feeds formula from day 1 and destroys our earth with disposables. I'd love to get her some cloth diapers!

[ThriftoRama]

Geesh. Some people have nerve. I got mad because my hubby's cousin, who is a spoiled overspender herself, had a shower for her second. And get this. The first one was only 18 months, so in theory, she should already have all the equipment she needs. She even designated what gifts we should get her. Ours? A $300 teak bassinet. For a second baby. This, after we sent her gift cards and such for the first.

Of course, when we had our baby, we didn't even get a card, let alone a gift.
Love the takers. Seems like we are always the givers. That's what happens when your family perceives that you have money. Of course, we only have money because we live in a small affordable house, drive a 10 year old paid off car and don't have cable TV. Yet, this cousin lives in a giant mcMansion, drives a gas guzzling new SUV, etc. so we are supposed to support her lifestyle??

If I were you I would either not go, or give her something cheap. Or, contribute a small amount to a 529 plan for the baby. Goodness knows she probably hasn't saved anything for the other kids' college...

[SnoopyCool]

Think of the baby, not the mama and get that baby what you think it needs.

[hopefulfirefly]

Originally Posted by SnoopyCool

Think of the baby, not the mama and get that baby what you think it needs.

That's the thing though...how much does a baby really NEED? I understand there are a lot of basic things....but, I'd be curious to see how much of the gifts she receives are actual NEEDS versus WANTS. I think this baby shower is to provide for the MOM what she WANTS the baby to have.

Seems like we are always the givers. That's what happens when your family perceives that you have money.

Exactly. Dh and I aren't rich, but, we have college educations (SIL and her dh do not), so they assume we make more $$$. (which we do, but that's not our FAULT, we also have paid for our student loan debt that they never had).

[rob62521]

I agree this third shower is pretty tacky and seems to smack of "gimme, gimme! syndrome. I think the baby wipes and diapers are an excellent idea.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

I forgot to say that though I would send diapers, I would not attend the shower. There will be plenty of non-contrived opportunities to show appreciation for the baby.

You know, I just thought of one time when I brought a money gift and an outfit for a newborn on my first visit. Mom said, "But it's too big." It was a size 6 months. It was going to fit in about two weeks. I tried to chalk it up to being up all night for days on end and not thinking clearly, but later I realized it was fitting with her usual way of seeing things. Another person living only in the very present moment.

[Gruntina]

I do not have any children yet and I personally do not mind when people have a shower for each of their baby. Baby showers to me are an opportunity to have a gathering and prepare for the little one to be with celebration and sharing the joy. I do not think of baby shower is done only if they do not have stuff and need help. It is more than that. But again that is just me.

It seems like the person who is having the baby shower is not appreciative or trying to make others think she really needs the baby shower because she is going to have baby 3 which she is already broke and need new stuff since she did not keep the stuff from baby 1 and 2 is really "milking it" for bigger gifts and pity party. If that is the case, I would probably just not go as that is not an idea of a good time to me or a great use of my gift money.

[disneysteve]

I have a "devil's advocate" question for all of you who think a shower is inappropriate for baby #2 or #3. Do you not give a gift for 2nd and 3rd babies? If you do give a gift, then what is wrong with the shower?

[zakity]

I have heard of showers for 2/3/4th babies, but they aren't "gift giving" things as much as a celebration that she is going to have a baby. You go out to eat somewhere and you give small gifts (like diapers or a gift card for diapers).

I have heard of "dinner" showers for 2/3/4th babies. Everyone brings a frozen dish for the mom to throw in the oven after the baby is born. That is the greatest thing sometimes to not have to figure out what to fix when you have had a bad day.

The only time I have heard of "real" showers for babies after the first one is if the second is an opposite sex (for appropriate clothes and things, especially if the first one was a girl and the second is a boy and they went crazy on the girl stuff for the first one) or if there is a huge time period between the babies.

I have a friend who is pregnant now and has a 13 year old child. We are doing a baby shower for her because she has no baby stuff left from her first one. Actually, she is an extremely frugal friend and I love her to death!! Her famly has been scouring yard sales and stuff looking for baby clothes because they are a distance away and they have to ship it. And, another lady and I have been scouring yard sales for baby stuff. She has almost all the stuff that she needs. We think we are going to do a "dinner" shower for her because we all know that is what she will need after the baby comes.

[Gruntina]

Originally Posted by zakity

I have heard of "dinner" showers for 2/3/4th babies. Everyone brings a frozen dish for the mom to throw in the oven after the baby is born. That is the greatest thing sometimes to not have to figure out what to fix when you have had a bad day.

That is one of the greatest idea I ever heard of for a 2/3/4+ baby shower. Thanks for sharing.

[Gruntina]

Originally Posted by Joan.of.the.Arch

Yep, diapers, the universal baby shower gift. The mean side of me says, if they are disposables only users, give cloth --or vice versa.

What is the point of doing that?

[myrdale]

I am a single guy, and as far as baby showers go, well I was with in a 100 foot of one once. They are the sort of thing we guys try to avoid.

Now with that said, I do not see why everyone is so against shower #3. I thought baby showers were suppose to be to celebrate the child? Yes you give gifts, but I've viewed it as the family coming together to help with the burden.

Now how much help does she need? Well after 2 kids, she ought to have the basics taken care of already: crib, play pin, strooler (spelling?), etc etc. That is ofcouse assuming her 2nd kid isn't like 10 or 15 and these things have been tossed long ago. I think I would have a hard cap of $50, maybe even as low as $20.

I'd buy a couple cans of powered formula, and a pack of diapers at most. Other thoughs might be a good cook book, or a vacuum cleaner (sorry I don't mean to sound too sexest, but she will need them with 3 kids). Or maybe get her a copy of Dave Ramsey, or some good budgeting book for families. Just my two cents.

[hopefulfirefly]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

I have a "devil's advocate" question for all of you who think a shower is inappropriate for baby #2 or #3. Do you not give a gift for 2nd and 3rd babies? If you do give a gift, then what is wrong with the shower?

Yes, I would give her a gift for this new baby....when I go to see him/her after he/she is born. Just like I would for someone's baby #1, you go to the shower and buy a gift off a registry, and then you go visit the baby and bring a gift. I think the tradition of bringing a gift after the baby is born is perfectly fine for each baby (which, typically the cost of the gift you purchase when the baby is born is less than the amount you spend at the shower). I think registering twice and having 2 showers is insane for most situations.