Adult child won't leave - what would you do?

[PrincessPerky]

Sounds like he is still depressed among other emotional problems..I would suggest new therapy..and when the therapist says the boy is ready, tough love.

get your wife on board, with therapy for her if needed.

[brig2221]

Originally Posted by Joan.of.the.Arch

Nothing is going to work if you and your spouse do not agree on it.

I would totally agree with this post. Although your son may be depressed, he probably is not stupid, and can see his Mother as an enabler and divider between you and your wife. He will most likely continue to exploit this divide to his benefit, knowing that no matter how mad you get or what you say, that Mom will come to the rescue. That has to stop.

My guess is that you are going to have to do some major compromising on your own in order to get your wife on the same page with you. That said, once the both of you are truly on the same page and will support one another, the task of outlining a plan to your son will be much easier.

[eisor]

I have to agree that you and your spouse need to sit down and talk and agree on the situation.

I'm only 21 and I always knew when my parents didn't agree on something. It's very easy to use that to your advantage as a kid.

Also, I read a lot of responses saying that he needs to go back to school. College isn't for everyone. Maybe a technical school would be more his thing. You said something about the internet. Is he interested in the internet? There are a lot of diploma and degree programs at technical schools that relate to web design, internet security, e-commerce, etc. Maybe this is more his thing than a college degree.

Lastly, until he is given some responsibility, he isn't going to change. You need to cut him off financially. I lived at home until I got married. We were responsible for our own bills. Cell phone, automobile, etc. We paid all our entertainment expenses & for all our clothes. The only thing we weren't paying for was rent & some food expenses (dining out we had to pay for).

[antiver]

I wouldn't be afraid to kick him out on his butt. A college student recently took a year off to essentially become homeless on his own free will. He left behind his education, family, credit cards, home, everything. His goal was to have a steady job, a place to live, a car, and some savings after a year. He had achieved all this in under ~9 months (I believe), without even utilizing his education, but had to end the experiment early due to a family crisis back at home.

The goal was to simply learn from the experience, and write about it at the end. He was confident that anyone could achieve the same things he did. Google it, maybe it'll give you (and him) some more confidence.

[Exile]

Have you considered changing the locks?

[Scanner]

Hmmm.

That's a tough one.

I totally agree with the analysis that as a culture. . .we don't foster a tight-knit family as say in China, where a family will live in the same house for generations, never to strike out on their own.

So, I don't think it's right to make you as parents feel like freaks or him feel like a freak for staying at home. That's a totally forced cultural norm.

That being said, what worries me more than your son living at home, is the non-productive lifestyle he is leading. He sounds sedentary and unambitious.

It would be one thing if he was using your pad to crash at night (or early morning) and had a "life" but I don't know. . .the net. . .it can be addictive.

Very little good comes of the net and I say that being a regular contributor to savingadvice.com and knowing this is low the scale of productive activities I should be doing

Unfortunately, parents have very little influence at his age. . .he will need a peer to probably intervene and not his father. If you could subtely direct him to a positive peer. . .that person has the most chance of helping him I would say.

I had two good peers in my teenage years - one who influenced me to be self-employed and another who influenced me to get off my fat ass and become so athletic, I made beach lifeguard within 2 years.

I really don't think my father or mother would have or could have done it.

Peers are more important to development from about age 15 to 23ish.

[Scanner]

PS: as a father, I do think it's better to criticize his peers rather than him and it sounds like that's what you are doing.

I have no problem telling my 11 year old son that his friend Joe is a knothead and you could let your opinion known in that regard (let's face it - a lot of guy-friends you have when you are younger were/are knotheads).

But try to stay away from criticizing/nagging him.

That obviously isn't working.

[ithaca]

Originally Posted by questions

I've asked, told and threatened to throw him out but he just ignores my requests. I've asked him numerous times to help with the bills and pay a monthly room and board charge but he just refuses.

This is the first problem. You're telling him to do something, he's choosing not to do it, but then there aren't any consequences. This just leads to a lot of disrespect and confusion about the rules. If you really want him to help out with the bills, tell him to pay xxx amount by xxx date or else xxx. When he doesn't pay, follow through with the consequences.

[maat55]

The reason my kids did what they were told and grew up responciable is because they knew I would not let them do otherwise. They love me just fine.

Your kids should in this order: Fear you, respect you and if they choose, love you last. Your first responsibility as a parent is to raise productive, honest human beings, not spoiled brats.

Many parents love their children the wrong way. Not preparing them for adulthood is the worse thing you can do. Same goes for parents who let their children become fat and lazy.

If you really want to help this child, treat him like a total stranger and expect from him what you would from anyone else. He wouldn'y last two minutes in my house.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by maat55

The reason my kids did what they were told and grew up responciable is because they knew I would not let them do otherwise. They love me just fine.

Your kids should in this order: Fear you, respect you and if they choose, love you last. Your first responsibility as a parent is to raise productive, honest human beings, not spoiled brats.

Many parents love their children the wrong way. Not preparing them for adulthood is the worse thing you can do. Same goes for parents who let their children become fat and lazy.

If you really want to help this child, treat him like a total stranger and expect from him what you would from anyone else. He wouldn'y last two minutes in my house.

Wow Maat. I find myself massively disagreeing with the 2nd paragraph here, especially the word "fear." No child should feel afraid of either parent. Respect comes before love, yes. The other paragraphs and words are fine... and agreeable. Maybe "fear" is the wrong word?

How can anyone "respect" someone they fear? How can there be "love" when there's "fear?" And do you "fear" stangers automatically before any other feeling?

Ultimately, there's no "trust" with strangers until that person has earned the trust -- but people are given the benefit of the doubt until they've directly proven otherwise. Should a son or daughter be given any less? Should "fear" really be part of the equation?

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Seeker

Wow Maat. I find myself massively disagreeing with the 2nd paragraph here, especially the word "fear." No child should feel afraid of either parent. Respect comes before love, yes. The other paragraphs and words are fine... and agreeable. Maybe "fear" is the wrong word?

How can anyone "respect" someone they fear? How can there be "love" when there's "fear?" And do you "fear" stangers automatically before any other feeling?

Ultimately, there's no "trust" with strangers until that person has earned the trust -- but people are given the benefit of the doubt until they've directly proven otherwise. Should a son or daughter be given any less? Should "fear" really be part of the equation?

Fear may be a strong word for what I'm saying. They never had to fear me fisically, they just knew I meant what I said. Because the police have a controlled system they go by, makes you respect them or else, so to speak.

Example: One day my younger daughter was driving in a parking lot and another car backed out and hit her. Her first response was to cry afraid I would take her car from her. I told both my daughters, that if they ever had an accident I would sell their car. What I didn't say was an at fault accident. Obviously, she was not in trouble. The guy that hit her was 16 and was his third wreck in a month. He would have only had one in my house.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by maat55

Fear may be a strong word for what I'm saying. They never had to fear me fisically, they just knew I meant what I said. Because the police have a controlled system they go by, makes you respect them or else, so to speak.

Example: One day my younger daughter was driving in a parking lot and another car backed out and hit her. Her first response was to cry afraid I would take her car from her. I told both my daughters, that if they ever had an accident I would sell their car. What I didn't say was an at fault accident. Obviously, she was not in trouble. The guy that hit her was 16 and was his third wreck in a month. He would have only had one in my house.

Okay, that makes a lot more sense.

Trust to do the right thing is in-line with respect. There may not be one-word for that feeling. Almost trust but with the knowledge that the person will make the right decision with the love and consideration that a parent should have with his or her child. Each situation is slightly different; each child is unique in their needs as well.

I just have the feeling that for this poster and his son, that there's more to it. 22 years of age is awfully old to be "screaming" at one or other parent. Seems to me that he (the Son) needs more help from a psychological point-of-view.

Some people also mentioned peers. The Son should already be aware of the peers situation. If he's staying out until 7 AM with his friends and comes home to sleep, I assure you that his friends are not living with their folks.

His friends may or may not be contributing to this situation, but again, the Son is probably still depressed and IMO shouldn't be given ultimatums or kicked out without any help. The Son needs to get out of himself in order to get out of his depressions.

The Son may always need medical help. Depression (without reason) is a disease. Non-disease reasons for depression consists of major-life changes: death of someone "close," loss of job, etc. <-- these are "temporary" causes of depression and can be resolved over time without medications. But long-lasting depression without reason is not the same.

Something changed for the Son -- at college. We do not have a response from the OP to that.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Seeker

Okay, that makes a lot more sense.

Trust to do the right thing is in-line with respect. There may not be one-word for that feeling. Almost trust but with the knowledge that the person will make the right decision with the love and consideration that a parent should have with his or her child. Each situation is slightly different; each child is unique in their needs as well.

I just have the feeling that for this poster and his son, that there's more to it. 22 years of age is awfully old to be "screaming" at one or other parent. Seems to me that he (the Son) needs more help from a psychological point-of-view.

Some people also mentioned peers. The Son should already be aware of the peers situation. If he's staying out until 7 AM with his friends and comes home to sleep, I assure you that his friends are not living with their folks.

His friends may or may not be contributing to this situation, but again, the Son is probably still depressed and IMO shouldn't be given ultimatums or kicked out without any help. The Son needs to get out of himself in order to get out of his depressions.

The Son may always need medical help. Depression (without reason) is a disease. Non-disease reasons for depression consists of major-life changes: death of someone "close," loss of job, etc. <-- these are "temporary" causes of depression and can be resolved over time without medications. But long-lasting depression without reason is not the same.

Something changed for the Son -- at college. We do not have a response from the OP to that.

I must admit, I don't make allowances for depression or disorders. I believe when someone yells at their parents, stays out till 7, lays around and won't work they have a behavior problem of their own choice. Much of which is built upon, poor parenting. I raised my girls teaching them that they will have to go get what they want in life and do it without embarassing the family. Both are class A citizens. IMO, OP needs to introduce some serious tough love.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by maat55

I must admit, I don't make allowances for depression or disorders. I believe when someone yells at their parents, stays out till 7, lays around and won't work they have a behavior problem of their own choice. Much of which is built upon, poor parenting. I raised my girls teaching them that they will have to go get what they want in life and do it without embarassing the family. Both are class A citizens. IMO, OP needs to introduce some serious tough love.

I guess I've seen too many instances of "care" for depression, fail, including a friend of mine in HS who attempted sucide and was in the hospital for several months afterward. Her feelings were mostly due to family concerns; or rather her feelings about her family. She would have always been better off without them; and she did go on to live with her grandmother "better" than she ever could with her immediate family.

We all make choices and it sounds as if this "family" is disfunctional by viture of H & W not agreeing or not sticking by any agreements when their son starts over-reacting. 22 years of age is sorta late to introduce a different parental behavior to the son, but then it sounds as if they didn't have to before either.

Questions wrote:

I only want to see my son succeed in life. I love him dearly and miss the togetherness we shared before college. I can only hope.

The above struck a chord in me, and "college" seems to be what changed this son's attitude. If I knew what happened in college, all of what I've written might change. The pre-college sounds very different from the post-college. And thereby, until Questions posts what happen in college (if he knows) introducing "serious tough love" could be a mistake in this situation.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Seeker

I guess I've seen too many instances of "care" for depression, fail, including a friend of mine in HS who attempted sucide and was in the hospital for several months afterward. Her feelings were mostly due to family concerns; or rather her feelings about her family. She would have always been better off without them; and she did go on to live with her grandmother "better" than she ever could with her immediate family.

We all make choices and it sounds as if this "family" is disfunctional by viture of H & W not agreeing or not sticking by any agreements when their son starts over-reacting. 22 years of age is sorta late to introduce a different parental behavior to the son, but then it sounds as if they didn't have to before either.

Questions wrote:


The above struck a chord in me, and "college" seems to be what changed this son's attitude. If I knew what happened in college, all of what I've written might change. The pre-college sounds very different from the post-college. And thereby, until Questions posts what happen in college (if he knows) introducing "serious tough love" could be a mistake in this situation.

In that case, the people closest to him should have a better idea of how to handle him. If he showed no signs of this behavoir before college, you might have a point. But if this is an on going problem, I would not coddle him. One thing I do know is, if you keep doing the samething you can expect the same results.

[Seeker]

True enough Maat -- but this change of their son is a change to their view. They are not dealing with the same person; in their mind their son has changed. They may not know why.

Here's another real life happening. Family with multiple sons. Youngest is sent to college. Does well. Meets girl. Falls in love. Girl does not return the feeling. Son looses it. Leaves college. Family at this point does not know where their son is at. Months later they get a call from the police. Son is in custody. Son has been living on the street, and committing crimes. Son is being taken to a mental facility to be held until court and for assessment. Family goes through the court systems and son will always be incarcerated and living in this mental prison for these crimes. He will always need medication.

Why? Becasue the son lost it and could not find help at the time he needed it? Because the son was to proud to go back to the known secure area called home? And because son hurt other innocent people and took out aggressions/frustrations on others because of this loss of control.

It's easy to write about things that I'd do; but I know too that if this were my son, I'd probably be blind too.

What if this were your son Maat? What if your son had changed by some event in college? What if there were still so much anger that he were to yell and scream at anything you say or try to do to help him? What if you felt that your son had suddenly become a stranger to you? That you no longer knew him?

These people have a choice. Their son came home. The Dad is asking the question because he does not know what to do. All he knows is his frustration. And it's affecting his familiy life.

I don't know exactly what the situation is here. Neither can anyone with a few written words.

Questions....get help for your son. Find someone who can talk with him to find out what is really troubling him and go from there. Find a doctor that is fully qualified.

[Scanner]

Maat,

You're not a family therapist and I think the advice you are rendering is irresponsible.

Translation for the new catch phrase, "tough love":

"I can't solve this problem using intellect so I'll defer to lowest common denominator and throw him out." (brute force)

Maat, I know this is going to sound like "tough love" but you seem to search out oversimplistic solutions for every situation (reduce all debt at all costs) and therefore fall for messenger gurus with oversimplistic promises (Dave Ramsey and this advice smacks of Dr. Phil).

Life is more complicated and compromises and diplomacy has it's place.

You know. . .everyone makes the mother sound like a helpless enabler - maybe she's just in the middle and sees both sides and 2 parties unwilling to make a compromise.

Naw. . .Dr. Phil says this person is an "enabler", right?

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Scanner

Maat,

You're not a family therapist and I think the advice you are rendering is irresponsible.

Translation for the new catch phrase, "tough love":

"I can't solve this problem using intellect so I'll defer to lowest common denominator and throw him out." (brute force)

Maat, I know this is going to sound like "tough love" but you seem to search out oversimplistic solutions for every situation (reduce all debt at all costs) and therefore fall for messenger gurus with oversimplistic promises (Dave Ramsey and this advice smacks of Dr. Phil).

Life is more complicated and compromises and diplomacy has it's place.

You know. . .everyone makes the mother sound like a helpless enabler - maybe she's just in the middle and sees both sides and 2 parties unwilling to make a compromise.

Naw. . .Dr. Phil says this person is an "enabler", right?

I could say the same for you, over analyzing hasn't seemed to help either. I dont think you need Einstein to tell you not to step in XXXX. DR & Dr Phil give simple advice that happens to WORK.

Your statement above is the exact reason congress is so screwed up. IMO, when you make someone do the right thing, they do it.

If you have a solution that will work, I suggest you present it. And when they are through doing everything they can to coddle him, they will be forced to do it right. You seem to fit the mold: I am a doctor, therefore I know.

[Thrifty Ray]

I would work with a family counselor to set very clear, fair and distinct goals for everyone. Son needs to understand the impact his actions are having on the family and the family needs to understand sons depression so that you can make an informed decision as to whether it is a medical condition, laziness and how to best overcome either/both. THEN, a solid plan can be made. There are ways to turn depression around and there is a way to get the son to understand...it just hasnt been uncovered yet.

Collectively the family should come up with a plan that will work. Ultimately, mom and dad need to be on the same page- uncovering the issues will help get you there.

If son still does not make efforts and parents still are wanting son to move.. mom and dad need to be ready to take a tougher approach.

I wish all of you the very best.

[GoodBuyGirl]

Many kids today think that they should have the same standard of living as they did living with their parents. When they get out in the real world they think that they are entitled to these things. They have no concept of how long and hard their parents worked to reach a certain standard of living.
As long as things are handed to him he is not going to want to make a life for himself. If he does not want to act like an adult you need to start treating him like a child. He is living in your home so it should be by your rules. Give hime a proper bed time and a time to be home when he goes out with friends ect.. Explain to him that when he moves out he can live by his own rules and that you would be more than happy to help him finding a job and working on a budget to make it happen. If he threatens you call the police. There are many state agencies who can help him with his depression if that is the problem.