Marriage - luck or work?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I have a question about marriages, does a marriage last solely based on how hard people work at it? Or does luck play a part?

I work hard at my marriage but I don't think a couple of my friends who have gotten divorced or are having problems it's because they don't work at it. They have and they are. But I'm just luckier.

Or is it really because people don't work hard enough? Weigh in even if you are still married long term. I'd love to hear from divorced people.

[hakuna matata]

I would say a little of both to be honest. Luck seems to factor in that if you have bad luck, issues rise to the surface and you have to deal with them immediately. So you then have to work at them.

But if you are both good communicators, then luck really has little impact, since you deal with problems head on, rather then bury your head in the sand and ignore them.

So in my opinion it is a little of both, but I tend to think good communication (thus work) is the key.

[gamecock43]

I think it depends on the sanity of the two people in the relationship. Some people have unrealistic expectations. Some people are selfish. Some people...I guess it's just a matter of finding a good 'fit' in a partner.

And some people change. Priorities change, outlooks and perspectives change. Priorities and future goals change.

So yea- its a crapshoot. I dont necessarily blame one person over the other in divorces, no one intends to break the other persons heart, or waste their time when getting married or even during the marriage.

One bad decision follows another sometimes. Hindsight is 20/20.

Disclaimer: I've never been married, but have been with someone 10 yrs and am considered married by friends and family.

[disneysteve]

We will celebrate our 16th anniversary next month, first and only marriage for each of us.

Over the years, I've had a number of reasonably close friends and relatives who got divorced. In virtually every case, I can honestly say that I predicted the marriages wouldn't last before the weddings even occurred. The couples were simply incompatible and I haven't got a clue why they were getting married in the first place. I, and pretty much everyone else around, would ask ourselves that very question. But love is blind, as they say, and the couple involved just barreled on blindly to the altar, only to be followed soon after by divorce proceedings.

I can't think of any couple close to me where I was shocked when the couple split. No instances of both people always being together, communicating well, sharing common interests and respecting each other.

Obviously, marriage takes some work, some compromise, some give and take, but I think the big problem is that too many people simply don't think things through before committing to marriage. They are sure the other person will "change", whatever that means, or that they will learn to accept their differences. Guess what folks. It ain't gonna happen. If you can't get along before marriage, you won't get along after marriage either. If her habits annoy you when you're dating, they will drive you crazy when you are together all the time. If he's lazy and never does anything to help when he's going out with you, he isn't suddenly going to become Mr. Wonderful when you put a ring on his finger.

It isn't that too many marriages end in divorce. It is that too many flawed relationships end in marriage.

[zakity]

I would say some of both.

[Seeker]

I think "change" is the key word here. Ultimately over time things and people do change; this cannot be helped.

Yes, it's very probable that some people enter into marriage expecting the other person to change somewhat. Actually people do change somewhat.... but not always in the way that is expected or desired.

And yes, it's also possible for changes to happen down the line that affect the other so drastically that a personality changes completely and the two cannot agree anymore.

We all probably know people in both situations.

Marriage takes work (compromise and commitment) on both individuals. Luck is not a real characteristic; we can be victims of bad luck, but if both people are willing to work through the difficulty, then in many cases the marriage becomes stronger.

But if the work fails (the ability of either one of the people to compromise & commit), the marriage is certain to be next.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

I have a question about marriages, does a marriage last solely based on how hard people work at it? Or does luck play a part?

I work hard at my marriage but I don't think a couple of my friends who have gotten divorced or are having problems it's because they don't work at it. They have and they are. But I'm just luckier.

Or is it really because people don't work hard enough? Weigh in even if you are still married long term. I'd love to hear from divorced people.

Oh, also I think you're probably a bit more flexible/adaptable than the people who begin to fail at the compromising. Like me and DS and all the others whom do make a success of their marriages.

I know there are times that my DH just agrees to disagree about whatever! And most of the time at that point I just drop it. If it's not directly related to him or me, then it's not worth the arguement.

[jIM_Ohio]

your lucky if the other person works at marriage as much as you do.

If neither of you have to work at the marriage, you are both really lucky, really lazy and/or a divorce which has not happened yet.

[sounderella]

I would have to say both. You need to be lucky enough to find that right person and capable enough to work out stuff through good and bad.

[SnoopyCool]

I think work and attitude are most important.

[Exile]

Having been married for 37 years I would say that the "luck" part is meeting the right person. The "hard work" part comes after the marriage.

[maat55]

My mariage has lasted for over 25 years mainly because my wife is highly committed to it, no matter what. There are times I would have walked away, but she held it together. My new found desire to better manage our money the last few years has been a great challenge, but even though I am dragging her kicking and screaming towards financial peace, were getting there together.

It's work, luck and a lot of compromise.

[F16]

In my opinion, luck has nothing to do with good relationships.
There are just no ideally people suited for you.
That's impossible. That's quite normal to have some differencies on different topics. What does matter, is LOVE.

[markusk]

My answer is a slight variation of F16's responses.

It's about love, but not as an emotion that comes and goes. Love is a choice, and you have to chose to love everyday -- so it does involve "work."

I don't believe in "luck," but I do believe in "grace."
If you've found the right person, it is from the Grace of God.

[MonkeyMama]

I think it's more work than luck, but a little but of both.

I think there's a lot of people I couldn't stay married to no matter how hard I tried. Well, I know. So I think in luck of terms of people that don't court long enough before marriage, or ignore all their problems before marriage, etc.

I also come from the perspective of youth. I agree with time people change and grow apart, etc. So I think luck plays more into it in the long run. It's also a lot more work for the long haul.

I also have quite a few friends who come from other countries where arranged marriages are common. For an arranged marriage to work, takes much work. But I think it shows, with work, almost any marriage can work. (On the flip side, there is a lot more thought put into arranged marriages than a lot of people put into marriage these days. You can argue that).

I feel lucky I met my most compatible spouse when I was 17. My parents met quite young as well. I also felt lucky I realized and didn't screw it up. I was just a kid. I am not sure I agree you are lucky to meet the right person. But I admit we w ere lucky to meet so young. On the flip side, you make your own luck. I have too many friends who fall into the same relationship traps over and over and over, and don't get out there and meet new guys. You make your own luck in a sense. If you are not willing to compromise on anything, you will never meet "the one."

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Right but I know someone in an arranged marriage and he's very unhappy. He won't ever leave, but he never is with his wife and kids. He always is working or at his parents house and tries to never be responsible for the kids.

Very neat answers so far. Anyone divorced was it lack of work or just unlucky?

[poundwise]

Luck is a myth.

Love is a decision, not just a feeling.

Commitment is a big part of it as well. Do you have it or not? You'll find out.

[scfr]

Only been married 15 years, so I'm far from an expert, but I will say that in our marriage (first and hopefully last for both of us) the following have been the most important elements (in order of importance):

- Respect
- Love (yes ... I put respect before love, believe it or not)
- Willingness to Compromise
- Work
- Luck ... Good fortune ... Destiny ... Whatever you choose to call it

I think these elements feed off of each other ... With the possible exception of luck, we couldn't remove any one of these for very long and expect the marriage to last.

[mishi07]

A little of both. I believe having the right timing is also an important factor in making a relationship work. And to reiterate the above statement, compromise and respect.

[Caoineag]

Having watch a couple friends go through quite a few relationships, I would have to say the key element to a relationship seems to be communication. Those that have the ability to communicate with their significant other last, those who don't communicate don't.

I think luck only comes into play on meeting someone who is as committed to communicating as yourself. My spouse and I have been together for going on 8 years but we also committed to never letting an issue get to the point where it causes problems.