Marriage - luck or work?

[aida2003]

Originally Posted by Exile

Having been married for 37 years I would say that the "luck" part is meeting the right person. The "hard work" part comes after the marriage.

That's what I think, too, though I've been married for 7 years only.
I consider myself lucky having met my husband. And the hard work kicked in after one year of our marriage.

[FrugalFish]

I'm going to go with work. Marriage could ultimately be considered ongoing negotiations- in a good marriage, you will always find a way to meet in the middle.

I know a goodly number of people who feel "trapped" in their marriages. Some are unable to be financially independent of a spouse, others stay for health reasons (either themselves or their spouse), some stay for the kids' sake. There are endless reasons to feel stuck.

I've also been surprised by how many people I've known who decided to divorce in their 50s once the kids are all gone, but then didn't because they realized they could not afford to get divorced. It's sad to see people so miserable with each other, but financially unable to split into two.

[irmanator]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

It isn't that too many marriages end in divorce. It is that too many flawed relationships end in marriage.

I agree completely

[irmanator]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

Right but I know someone in an arranged marriage and he's very unhappy. He won't ever leave, but he never is with his wife and kids. He always is working or at his parents house and tries to never be responsible for the kids.

Very neat answers so far. Anyone divorced was it lack of work or just unlucky?

my first ended in divorce cause i was stupid and young -howver i tried and he didnt , the stupid part comes because like disneysteve said "It isn't that too many marriages end in divorce. It is that too many flawed relationships end in marriage." --So it shouldn't have happened. i ignored too many signs.

[DebbieL]

I don't see luck as being much to do with it. It is VERY important to wait until you find the right person. I waited until I was well into my 30s to marry. Why? Because I KNEW that none of the people I was with before then were totally right for me. We were together long enough for me to figure that out. I also never would have married anyone without living together for a while first (I know some don't like this, but for me it was mandatory). If the right person for me would have come along at 22, then I guess that would have been lucky, but I probably wouldn't have been ready for him then, lol. I was also TOTALLY okay with the idea of never getting married. Marriage wasn't one of my life's goals. I always had the thought that if it happens, that's great, and if not that's okay too. I would far rather be single than be stuck in a miserable relationship. I knew I never wanted to get divorced, so the decision to marry would be a very important one for me. I think some people are just so focused on wanting some silly fairy tale wedding and spend more time planning for that one day than actually considering the years to come after that.

As for the hard work part, I never think of anything to do with my marriage as work. We are best friends and lovers. It is a relationship that feels so effortless to me that I cannot really describe it. I know of very few couples who are as happy as we are. I'm almost embarrassed to have no real complaints about my DH. Nothing to moan about to other women, etc.

PS - He's a very sensitive, giving, romantic person. He cooks me special meals (he's a chef), etc. I think he's the woman in our relationship. He gets all teary eyed and emotional far easier than I do.

[PrincessPerky]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

It isn't that too many marriages end in divorce. It is that too many flawed relationships end in marriage.

Excellent line.

Far to many are willing to tie the knot with anyone, often someone who is not really right for them.

I didn't marry because I knew I could live with my husband, or that I could 'make it work'. I married because I didn't want to live without him. Though we have only made it 8 years (in May) no problem has been more difficult than the thought of being without him.

On the other hand I know of one couple who I am pretty sure is married due to being too lazy to divorce!

[F16]

Is it possible when you find the right person that everything will go without any problems or efforts or work?

[Caoineag]

Originally Posted by F16

Is it possible when you find the right person that everything will go without any problems or efforts or work?

I consider my and my husband's relationship pretty effortless. Still you need to remember not to take your partner for granted which is pretty easy because its human nature to become accustumed to things. I used the word communication instead of work because the idea of having to "work" to make a relationship run smoothly is a little offputting and totally unhelpful (what exactly do people mean by work at it).

We do qualify as the disgustingly still in love couple even after 7+ years. Course, I don't think that is weird because my entire family tends to form that type of relationship when they marry.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Ouch, I definitely work at our relationship. I don't think DH and I are effortless. I adore him but it's not all chocolate and roses.

We have our moments and we have our problems. We're only human and I guess I feel fortunate that we both work for us.

[F16]

How to find out, is it the right person and you need to work it through or it's just not your match and any effort is useless?

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by F16

How to find out, is it the right person and you need to work it through or it's just not your match and any effort is useless?

I think that becomes obvious pretty quickly when you are dating. If an issue comes up and the other person is unwilling to discuss it, compromise or consider any other way of doing things, that should be a huge red flag.

I think the problem is what I said earlier. People keep thinking it will get better or the other person will change. Forget it. It won't happen.

[DebbieL]

Disneysteve,

I too love your line about too many flawed relationships end in marriage. You put into your post everything I was thinking, but in a much more eloquent way.

[cptacek]

Originally Posted by DebbieL

It is VERY important to wait until you find the right person. I waited until I was well into my 30s to marry. Why? Because I KNEW that none of the people I was with before then were totally right for me.

I agree. I just got married this year at 30, so excuse my noobyness. But when I look back at all the guys I dated before, I couldn't imagine being married to them. DH and I met, went on our first date 3 weeks later, he said he loved me on that first date, and from then on, we knew we were going to be together. Every other relationship I had I always thought "maybe him? Maybe it will work out? God I hope so, I don't want to be an old maid." But with DH I just knew.

Anyway, I think respect, love and commitment are the most important things. Hopefully in 50 years I'll look back on this post and read it out loud to my grandkids

[F16]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

I think that becomes obvious pretty quickly when you are dating. If an issue comes up and the other person is unwilling to discuss it, compromise or consider any other way of doing things, that should be a huge red flag.

I think the problem is what I said earlier. People keep thinking it will get better or the other person will change. Forget it. It won't happen.

And when she does not want to date?

[PrincessPerky]

Originally Posted by F16

And when she does not want to date?

Dating serves a very useful purpose..gives everyone a chance to hang out and see what reactions different situations come up with..not to mention time, before you agree to spend a life with someone you need to spend time with them.

Now if the person you are considering wont date..then you already have someone who wont compromise...doesn't bode well for the future marriage.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Oh I have a feeling F16 has in mind something she would call "courting" rather than dating. Eh, F16?

[money2009]

A little bit of both, but just like most other things that are good in life it's mainly the result of some work.

[prosper]

Originally Posted by Caoineag

I consider my and my husband's relationship pretty effortless. Still you need to remember not to take your partner for granted which is pretty easy because its human nature to become accustumed to things. I used the word communication instead of work because the idea of having to "work" to make a relationship run smoothly is a little offputting and totally unhelpful (what exactly do people mean by work at it).

We do qualify as the disgustingly still in love couple even after 7+ years. Course, I don't think that is weird because my entire family tends to form that type of relationship when they marry.

So far thats how its been for us. We communicate pretty well with each other. We live to please the other person. Also, we are brutally honest with each other.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by Caoineag

I consider my and my husband's relationship pretty effortless. Still you need to remember not to take your partner for granted which is pretty easy because its human nature to become accustumed to things. I used the word communication instead of work because the idea of having to "work" to make a relationship run smoothly is a little offputting and totally unhelpful (what exactly do people mean by work at it).

We do qualify as the disgustingly still in love couple even after 7+ years. Course, I don't think that is weird because my entire family tends to form that type of relationship when they marry.

I used the term "work" because it takes effort to communicate. I know what I'm thinking 100% of the time; but knowing and understanding what my DH is thinking takes "effort" or "work." Work is not a bad thing; you pretty much have to work for anything that you want or need. To get outside yourself you have to work. To think about others you have to work. To communicate, share, live, you have to work.

DH and I share many many interests. Like many others I pretty much gave up the idea of being married because my DH did not come into my day-to-day life until I was in my 40's; I was fully prepared and willing to make the journey through life completely alone if it had to be that way. Both of us did not think that we'd ever meet our soulmate; yet we did.

We do complement each other completely... but in some ways we are complete opposites too. Our marriage is "effortless" and in every sense of the old Country song: Friend, Lover, Wife.... that's our marriage. But there's still some "work" -- in the form of understanding how the opposite gender thinks and approaches life. Men and women do not view the world the same, and communication will always involve some effort of understanding and thought.

[DebbieL]

I've never felt that it takes effort or work to communicate with my DH. I really do feel like this is a pretty effortless relationship. We both have a strong desire to please each other (and ourselves).

Now, I have had past relationships that I would have considered a LOT of work. Not even worth it in the long run, and they were so much hassle. I'm absolutely thrilled that I finally found DH!

PS - Seeker, I think between DH and I, his traits (sensitivity, communication, etc.) are probably much more female than mine. I think I am more the "male" in our relationship, lol. Maybe this is why so many women like to befriend gay men (DH isn't gay, but he's really like having a girlfriend - with benefits). He always loves to talk about everything and he's so sappy. Definitely not what I'm used to in a man.