Sometimes Family brings you down

[dehoyos4]

I have recently learned that not all families are created equal when it comes to finances and respect. My husband and I are constantly learning about new ways to save and secure our financial future, however I learned not every one is the same way. We lent my brother in-law and wife money ($2000 +) last may 2007 when he lost his job and was going to lose his apartment and car for non-payment. My husband soon after hooked him up with a job paying about $4500 a month. Which was a huge pay increase from his previous job. So we thought this would help them get back on there feet and on there way to paying off all of there debts. About 3 months later he paid us $200 and then after that they began to avoid us, so it seemed. Until one day at my mother/father in-laws. He was telling us that he was still behind on his car and they were going to move soon. In Feb of this year his wife mentions that they would be receiving their income tax return for around ($3800). So I thought they would pay back and also at this time we were trying to get a home loan and needed extra cash for down payment (they knew this). Well, no this did not happen and I do not get involved in money issues mainly when it comes to my in-laws. To make a long story short we were not approved for our home loan and they still have not paid us back. They have recently moved into a house that they are renting which is about $400 more then what they were paying at there apartment and not to mention they owe every one on my husband side money. Recently they got there car taken away for non-payment and had to pay $1000 in fees to get it back, they said they forgot to pay it (huh). I dont like to be confrontational and at the same time would like to tell them to pay up.

I guess I am comparing this situation with the time that I lent my brother money and he paid me in 6 months and plus he took me shopping and said, "I would have paid the bank interest and why treat the bank better then my sister."

How do even deal with someone that has obviously no control over there finances? Should I just take it as a loss and never lend them money again? They only talk to us when they need something anyways, should I feel used ?

[Broken Arrow]

Wow, really sorry to hear that.

If I was in that position, and I realize that I am not, I would definitely never lend them money again.

Some people just have to learn the hard way. By the way, this is coming from someone who had to learn it the hard way.

But don't feel bad for them though. Although I've never borrowed money, I don't think there was any other way for a guy like to me learn about the importance in personal finance other than to learn it the hard way. And in the end, I'd like to think that I've come out a much better person for it.

[AmbitiousSaver]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

My Dad has a policy with money that I feel has worked well with him.... some people say don't lend money out PERIOD... but I have found myself in a few situations where I needed help and my Dad was there.

I was never late in making a payment or anything cause I knew... and our family is just this way... that if I didn't pay him back, I'd be burning my bridge and if I ever needed help again - he wouldn't bail me out. I view it like respect... and so does the rest of my family, if someone is kind enough to help you in desperate times, you better pay them back.

So help them once and if they are ungrateful and never pay you back.... never lend to them again.

[cschin4]

You have received a life lesson. Chalk up the money to the school of hard knocks. At this point, you should go and directly as them to pay you back.
Most likely the are not going too. Therefore you should never again give them another dime, no matter what sob story they come to you with.
The problem with giving or loaning money to family is exactly what you have described. Because of this, your relationships are now ruined. You feel constantly angry toward them because they don't repay. They feel angry toward you as well and now try to avoid you. Was it really worth it? In the long run, wouldn't it have been far better in terms of your relationships to just stay out of someone's finances and let the chips fall? If they would have had their car repossed, lost their home, etc so what? Sometimes those things happen for people to learn a lesson. Nobody would have starved.
At this point ,totally un-involve yourself in their financial situation. If they don't pay you back, let it go, forget about it and move on. But, turn a deaf ear when they start talking of their financial details.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by dehoyos4

I have recently learned that not all families are created equal when it comes to finances and respect. My husband and I are constantly learning about new ways to save and secure our financial future, however I learned not every one is the same way. We lent my brother in-law and wife money ($2000 +) last may 2007 when he lost his job and was going to lose his apartment and car for non-payment. My husband soon after hooked him up with a job paying about $4500 a month. Which was a huge pay increase from his previous job. So we thought this would help them get back on there feet and on there way to paying off all of there debts. About 3 months later he paid us $200 and then after that they began to avoid us, so it seemed. Until one day at my mother/father in-laws. He was telling us that he was still behind on his car and they were going to move soon. In Feb of this year his wife mentions that they would be receiving their income tax return for around ($3800). So I thought they would pay back and also at this time we were trying to get a home loan and needed extra cash for down payment (they knew this). Well, no this did not happen and I do not get involved in money issues mainly when it comes to my in-laws. To make a long story short we were not approved for our home loan and they still have not paid us back. They have recently moved into a house that they are renting which is about $400 more then what they were paying at there apartment and not to mention they owe every one on my husband side money. Recently they got there car taken away for non-payment and had to pay $1000 in fees to get it back, they said they forgot to pay it (huh). I dont like to be confrontational and at the same time would like to tell them to pay up.

I guess I am comparing this situation with the time that I lent my brother money and he paid me in 6 months and plus he took me shopping and said, "I would have paid the bank interest and why treat the bank better then my sister."

How do even deal with someone that has obviously no control over there finances? Should I just take it as a loss and never lend them money again? They only talk to us when they need something anyways, should I feel used ?

First, you are doing know one a favor by holding your tongue. You have been stewing over this for quite some time and it appears that they could care less. I would write them a letter that clearly says what you think and ask that they repay you immediatly. This will not let them continue to think that it does not matter to you.


relative or not, business is business, they need to own up to their responsability to you.

[LuxLiving]

Shewwwweeee, I would have a hard time with this one. It would be hard for me to hold my tongue, feeling like my spouse was willing to let a sibling walk all over THEM AND ME in an effort to save themselves(my spouse) a confrontation. Okay, so it's okay that you don't want him/her mad at you, but me, YOUR SPOUSE, my feelings in the situation don't matter? Hmmmm....when it comes to my financial security, you bet your sweet bippy it would matter. And what's with you, that you'd let someone walk all over you like that? That's what I'd be thinking & saying!!!

I would a) never loan to them again. b)Ask for repayment and be so kind as to ask why they could afford a new place when they have yet to repay you? I'd be finding out when payday was and showing up for my payment and c)be po'd at my spouse for not sticking up for himself! d) ask my spouse's parental units if they were around and knew of the situation why they didn't harangue the little peckerwoods into paying back their family before gluttoning on to more consumer goods and a fancier lifestyle for themselves.
Shame on them!!!

and e) be seriously considering contacting Judge Joe Brown to get my money back!

But then, rolling over and playing dead while someone screwed me over was never my long-suit!

YMMV! At any rate I'd tread carefully because your actions could cause serious long-term family consequences. IMHO, right is right and wrong is wrong. Asking for a loan and then not paying is all kinds of wrong and I'd be willing to tell anyone who wasn't into repaying me and all their relatives just what I thought about thievery and those low-down snakebellies who impose their thieving on family members. Hurumph!!! Agggggggggghhhh!!! Like I said, it would be hard for me to be quiet about such a situation.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

I wonder if one lesson in this for the rest of us is to always put the terms of a loan in writing, with all parties signing. That gives you something tangible to take to the family member to remind them of the obligation.

Not long ago I made a $4400 loan to friends and it did not even occur to me to put it in writing. The plan was for it to be paid back in just a few days, as I was just helping them through a cash flow problem. I totally trusted them, but it could have gone bad, I suppose. Fortunately, their cash came through in less time than they'd told me and I was repaid lickety-split. Still...maybe I should have had a promissory note.

[Reldon]

I am Sorry to hear that. You wonder what they are doing with the all extra money they are earning. This strains relationships as well. I would definitely never offer to loan them anymore money as most likely, you will not get it back.

[Onwards]

I've thought a lot about this. My conclusion - and it doesn't have to be anyone else's - is that I'll always give the benefit of the doubt the first time around, for the sake of family relations. If they ask me for money and I have it, I'll lend it, without strings attached. (It sounds like this is exactly what you did.) That way, it gives them a chance to prove themselves. If they don't pay me back, then I feel justified never helping them again because I can always refer back to the previous incident (and not to their pattern of irresponsibility, which would make them feel spiteful).

[DebbieL]

I never lend money. I think you have better odds of some stranger off the street paying back a loan than friends or (especially) family. Sad but true. I just don't go there (not that my family have ever asked - thankfully they don't need it).

In your situation, I would not even hesitate to ask for my money back - repeatedly. If they started avoiding me, so much the better. Who needs deadbeat relatives around you anyways (sorry, I'm a bit of a hard@ss, lol). They took advantage of you - and they DON'T CARE. They could have paid you back - they haven't forgotten. I say start hounding them for it.

I am angry for you!

[Lonewolf]

I think about how many friends relationships have been pulled apart because differences in how they manage money (or don't for that matter). For that reason I very rarely lend money. In the past I've had to do that for family once (this was before I was married). But the way I handled it was I gave the money to a sister who needed a medial procedure and if she every paid me back that was great, but if not I chalked it off. Luckily my sister was very responsible and paid me back as she could within a year.

If you are going to lend you have to accept that you might not get it back, so if you can't afford to lose the money that don't do it. Not worth the drama it can cause . . .

Lonewolf

[poundcakes]

Never a borrower or a lender be.

[rob62521]

I am very sorry that your dh's family is like this. I think my husband's brother would be like this as well if we gave him a chance. He made good money throughout his working career, and inherited some land and sold for a very good profit. Instead of putting money aside, it was squandered and he purchased a lot of expensive things that he cannot afford to keep up. Fortunately my husband listens to Suze Orman and she is adamant about lending money to anyone. Interesting he listens to Suze and not me, but that's a whole different story.

Since relations with the brother are already strained, I agree with the other posters that you should ask for the money to be repaid, even if it's a small amount each month.

[rennigade]

small claims court. you will get your money back in no time. just apply to be on judge judy.

[nationalmodification]

Originally Posted by poundcakes

Never a borrower or a lender be.

yap...totally agree

[fruitbowlk]

You don't loan family Money. That's a no no. I had to learn the hardway. I loaned my brother $160 and he ignore me for two months because he didn't want to pay me back. After lending my sister money for 10 plus years Finally I stopped and I haven't heard from her in 5 months. So I don't give or loan out money anymore.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Well, I have loaned family money, but they paid it back. When I did not have money to lend and another sib needed money, I even dared to muddle the situation, by asking a third sib to step up. While a student, I took an extra job to be able to send money (gift, not loan) to a sib who needed it for dental work....None of these gifts or loans were more than $1000, though....I expect they'd do the same for me some day if I was in need. All my family is responsible, good with money. If they were seeking loans on Prosper or something, they are just the kind of person you would look for to make a loan to...So of course, I think the advice not to lend money to family is too simplistic for all cases.

[aida2003]

Thank goodness nobody from my family requested a loan "per se". However, before I immigrated to the US, I left $2,500 for my dad for his business. I remember we said it was like borrowing money and he'd pay back + interest when I'm back home.
To make the story short, I didn't go back and his business went down the drain . My mom said "you're in America, you'll have even more". That's just an attitude in East Europe, that dollars grow like bananas on the trees. Plus, I'm a thrifty black sheep in my family (I even think they consider me stingy), so they think I just stick all dollars under the mattress.
Anyway, it was a lesson to me. Later in order not to feel resentment, I said to myself "if was an investment in dad's business" instead. It helped a bit.

However, if I'm ever asked, I'll just assume I'm giving the money, NOT lending. Sure, it would depend how much they're asking for.

[JimInOK]

Is this issue going to ruin an otherwise-strong relationship? Getting your money back is not worth that. Certainly nobody should lend him any more money and he definitely needs some financial counseling! But the relationship is more important than recovering what you've already lent.

I lost a brother just over a month ago to the same cancer that has struck Ted Kennedy and Bobby Murcer. He never borrowed a dime from me, but if he had and this situation would have occurred, I can tell you I wouldn't have wanted $2,000 to come between us.

I'm just saying be careful! Lives can change in a heartbeat and I'd rather live with a $2,000 loss than regret.

[dehoyos4]

The situation has effected me little. I ultimately came to the conclusion that the decisions they make will only effect them. They keep making poor financial decisions and they will eventually suffer because of it. I never lose sleep thinking about how my bills will get paid. However, they are always wondering why the sky is always falling around them (maybe it might be b/c they keep buying a bunch of luxuries they can not afford). They are constantly being bailed out of their financial problems by my mother and father in law. Oh but never again from my family. We love them and care for them but never again will we let them dip in to ER savings. We will only be there for emotional support. It is true that the best things in life our free. We would do them more harm then good lending money ever again. It is kind of like the people that win the lottery and blow the money in no time. I think they need to hit bottom to realize they exhausted all their resources.