Wedding Gifts, or How to ask for cash politely!

[cooliemae]

I am getting married in October of this year and my fiance and I have been trying to figure out a nice way to direct our guest/family to donate money to our "House Fund" in lieu of buying a gift.

My fiance and and I both had separate households before moving in together, so we have most everything we need and the the things we do need are bigger items (i.e. washer/dryer, refrigerator, etc.). We are not interested in the formal china or dishware that one might normally receive as wedding presents.

So what are we to do!

We want to set-up an account that family/guest could put money in. The money would be used to help buy all the things we're going to need when we purchase our first home (sometime next year).

What do you guys think? Is it still too tacky to ask for cash versus presents these days? And if not, how does one politely ask for the cash?

[ScrimpAndSave]

Tell friends and family to spread the word...whoever is throwing the shower can put it in the shower invitation, but you can't print it anywhere else.

[jIM_Ohio]

Originally Posted by cooliemae

I am getting married in October of this year and my fiance and I have been trying to figure out a nice way to direct our guest/family to donate money to our "House Fund" in lieu of buying a gift.

My fiance and and I both had separate households before moving in together, so we have most everything we need and the the things we do need are bigger items (i.e. washer/dryer, refrigerator, etc.). We are not interested in the formal china or dishware that one might normally receive as wedding presents.

So what are we to do!

We want to set-up an account that family/guest could put money in. The money would be used to help buy all the things we're going to need when we purchase our first home (sometime next year).

What do you guys think? Is it still too tacky to ask for cash versus presents these days? And if not, how does one politely ask for the cash?

keep the registry small and don't add needless picture frames or similar things to the registry. The smaller the registry, the less gifts to choose from.

Then also make obvious comments like- "we are saving money for a down payment on a house" and "it will take us 3 years to get our house downpayment after marriage" and maybe also "the sooner we get into the house, the sooner our financial life will stabalize".

No need to be subtle. Subtle gets you second place. Ask any vice president. Being bold gets you what you want.

[InDebtInDC]

I think this is culture dependent. Other cultures give nothing but cash as wedding presents.

Here's the truth. When a person of culture X throws a wedding, each guest is expected to bring cash to pay not only for their meal, but also to leave a little leftover for the newly wed couple.

If you don't believe me, go to an East Asian wedding reception and watch when the bride and groom visit guests seated at tables. The guests will hand the bride/groom money, usually checks.

To be honest, this is the reason why native Americans do not get invited to foreign weddings. Not only does each American represent a meal that is not paid for, but also each American also represents money that is forgone.

This is why other cultures do not do wedding registries. This is strictly an American practice to promote commerce.


If you are not aware of this practice, and were invited to a foreign wedding, you should feel very honored because of the forgone profits.


I suggest delicately discuss this with your friends who may be throwing a foreign wedding so that there are no misunderstandings. They want to invite you, but they're afraid that you won't bring cash, but will instead give them useless things as a present.

[Aleta]

I think that we have moved so far away from what showers are really all about. A wedding present was meant to help a young couple get started with the necessities in life. Alot depends on how old you are when you married and how many times you have been married. I've always heard that for a first wedding that a gift is more in order. As for what other cultures do in their country is fine. It has nothing to do with our culture here.

When I was younger I remember hearing it said that you have 1 baby shower and that would give you the necessary items you should have for your baby. It was frowned upon if a woman kept having baby showers. This is how much everything has changed.

If I had your position, I would have limited registries with the items that you really want and leave the rest up to the guests. My dil's family got together and gave her the washer and dryer. You could have a shower where everyone contributed to the larger items.

[InDebtInDC]

Originally Posted by Aleta

A wedding present was meant to help a young couple get started with the necessities in life. Alot depends on how old you are when you married and how many times you have been married. I've always heard that for a first wedding that a gift is more in order

A gift could be useful if you know the people very well. If you don't know them, cash is better.

Originally Posted by Aleta

As for what other cultures do in their country is fine. It has nothing to do with our culture here

Whoa, you do realize that America is a melting pot, right? Other cultures have been coming here since the beginning of time.

Respectfully, what makes you think your culture is more valid than the ones that came before or after you?

Being culturally aware can have many advantages in business/financial and personal life as well. This is why many business schools teach non-Western perspectives.

Originally Posted by Aleta

When I was younger I remember hearing it said that you have 1 baby shower and that would give you the necessary items you should have for your baby. It was frowned upon if a woman kept having baby showers. This is how much everything has changed.

Not true if you have non-reusable items for the next child. Plus it depends on how well people like you.


I recommend being up front and ask for cash. Scrap the registry altogether. It may offend some people, but for reasonable people, I think it's fair to assume that they really care about your happiness.

If they really want you to be happy, they would want you to make the best use of the resources to buy the things you need, not the thing other people think you should need.

Anybody who think they know what you need more than you doesn't respect your individuality and individualized needs.

[Aleta]

My husband is from another country and another culture. We celebrate some of his traditions in our home but we don't expect for everyone else to do the same.

Yes, we are a melting pot, but we are also an American culture. My children have been privileged to enjoy their fathers traditions and yet hold on to their American values and traditions.

[InDebtInDC]

Originally Posted by Aleta

We celebrate some of his traditions in our home but we don't expect for everyone else to do the same

That's fair, but it doesn't mesh with what you said above:

Originally Posted by Aleta

As for what other cultures do in their country is fine. It has nothing to do with our culture here

It seems like you want people in America to abide by a certain culture. Is this a fair assessment?

Originally Posted by Aleta

Yes, we are a melting pot, but we are also an American culture

What is an American culture? Who gets to decide? Isn't whatever we each practice the de facto "American" culture because we each are in fact individual Americans?

Originally Posted by Aleta

My children have been privileged to enjoy their fathers traditions and yet hold on to their American values and traditions.

What are these "American values" you speak of? Are these values exclusive to Americans, and that no other countries/cultures share these same values?

If so, what makes Americans so different from other people that we have a different set of values that must be embraced so that we don't lose these values?


Also, are all American traditions necessarily good traditions?

[Aleta]

What I meant is that we have a month where there is an Italian FESTIVAL. It could be a Greek festival, or St Paticks Day. It can be any day. In our home, we eat a special dinner the night before Xmas and yet we still have Xmas dinner as most Americans observe.

Why in the world would you ask if ALL American traditons are necessarily good traditions? Yes, they are. I would say that the fact that you say that doesn't sound like you are an American.

You must have had an idea of some traditions that aren't necessarrily good traditions to say that. Would you like to elaborate and maybe state the ones you don't care for/

[LuxLiving]

I won't comment on if it's proper or not, mainly because I just don't care! ...and I truly don't know. I do think it can be different based on locale, nature of relationships w/those invited, and culture.

You want what you want! Right?

Okay, so if I were doing this I might go w/setting up an account at a hometown local bank to be available to those who'd like to give you a small amount and yet it remain unknown to you WHO deposited what amounts. I wouldn't want someone to be embarassed if they could only give a little, KWIM?

I'd also have a money tree available at the shower and any reception or party w/lots of little ribbon-ties to be used available for people.

I'd also let people know that this option was going to be available. But, how to??

Hmmm...I'd have whomever was hosting any shower to include a signed note (okay print it up, but do have them hand-sign each one) that read something like this...

and on the wedding invites too, I'd have my maid of honor and best man sign these inserts...

"Ms. Cooliemae & Mr. Cooliemae-To-Be plan to buy a home soon to get them started in life. Although registry gifts are lovely they already possess many household items, so, their family and beloved guests are encouraged to gift them w/cash or equivalent in lieu of a wrapped gift to help them with their future down-payment. A money tree will be available at the shower/reception or you can make a deposit at $$Bank in downtown Cooliemaeville to the "Cooliemae House Fund". Every time they enter their Home-Sweet-Home they will be reminded of the great send-off you gave them!"

...or something to that effect!

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Well it's rude to ask for cash, but in some cultures like indebt mentioned it's expected. Depends on wedding.

Personally I would find it rude if someone asked blatantly for cash. But heck it's becoming more common now.

And also personally I registered for gifts, though DH and I were living together 5+ years. We also had a Money Box at the entry because we are east asian and our families do money period. Red envelope and cash.

But for our american friends we never dreamed of being so crass and saying "yeah we have everything, give us money, pony up cash." And we certainly did not pick expensive things on the registry. Why? Because again it's rude to dictate that you need $x amount for a gift.

It's the thought that counts. If all you are doing is inviting people for the gift, then you should reconsider. Everyone at our wedding, 55 people, were invited even without an expectation of a gift. And some of our friends gave very simple and lesser priced gifts. But we were happy to have them share our day.

Granted we invited about 5 friends each, the rest was family. So basically we had a expensive wedding lunch for the family.

[jIM_Ohio]

Originally Posted by LuxLiving

Hmmm...I'd have whomever was hosting any shower to include a signed note (okay print it up, but do have them hand-sign each one) that read something like this...

and on the wedding invites too, I'd have my maid of honor and best man sign these inserts...

"Ms. Cooliemae & Mr. Cooliemae-To-Be plan to buy a home soon to get them started in life. Although registry gifts are lovely they already possess many household items, so, their family and beloved guests are encouraged to gift them w/cash or equivalent in lieu of a wrapped gift to help them with their future down-payment. A money tree will be available at the shower/reception or you can make a deposit at $$Bank in downtown Cooliemaeville to the "Cooliemae House Fund". Every time they enter their Home-Sweet-Home they will be reminded of the great send-off you gave them!"

...or something to that effect!

you should write wedding invites for a living or make money doing that on the side.

well done.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Well, my husband was born in this country, but in the eastern US city from which he comes, there is a very strong tradition of giving money at the reception, and this can be in addition to in-kind gifts brought to the reception, sent ahead of the wedding, sent after the wedding, or brought to the shower. The parents of the bride seem to arrange some sort of large decorated basket for gifts to quietly, anonymously be placed in. There is a name for that basket, but I don't remember it. Then the bride also carries a purse and takes money in exchange for dances. is how I reacted internally the first time I saw that money dance thing. Where I grew upon in the south, receptions were very tame and reserved. Not until my adult life did I ever go to a Southern wedding reception with alcohol, dancing, or money being flashed.

Well, wedding customs are indeed changing, sometimes not for the better in my opinion. I do think there should be an option for relatives or friends of the bride and groom to spread the word that they really could use money. In this day, it can be pretty hard to even pick a wedding present for others who are combining two households of belongings and probably need to weed out duplicates---not get more of them. As a guest, it would make me happy to give money, especially as I do not consider myself to be great at picking out gifts for others. (Sad about that, though). However, as matters stand, I think that for every ten people you directly tell that you would prefer cash, you are bound to grate the nerves of at least one, probably two. When else in life is it acceptable to ask others to give you money? Maybe when you are four years old and would like a gum ball from the machine, but not much beyond that.

InDebtinDC & Aleta, I have some friends who are an Asian couple who have been in the US for less than 10 years. I am forever being a cultural consultant to them, especially to the woman who earnestly wants to do everything just right. It is hard to explain that there is not one clear cut answer to every situation. There are many acceptable ways to act, things to say, ways to dress, salutations to give, presents to give, meals to serve, etc---in so many situations. I don't see, Aleta, how you could say what is "the" American tradition in many cases. There is a compendium of traditions, and those are going to be ever changing. Actually this is true in much of the world now, I suspect. The US is far from being the only country with large numbers of immigrants and there are other forces that change customs besides immigration.

[vsjhoc]

I would feel extremely uncomfortable asking anyone to give me money because I am getting married. But that's just my personal feeling. My fiance and I are asking people to give to a charity of their choice.

[geojen]

I agree that is always rude to ask for money. So what if that is what you really want? No one is required to give gifts for your wedding; they do so because they want to help you start out your new life together as a couple or because they think it will make you happy. You shouldn't *expect* anything from anyone, even though everyone (even me) expected to get gifts. But I registered at stores that had a variety of price-points and did not ask directly for cash. If they choose to give you money, great. If not, be grateful for what you get. Just my humble opinion

[musicalbabe85]

I got married last June, and while I was researching ettiquette, I came across a piece that said "If you want money, don't tell people yourselves. Tell your parents' and they can discreetly pass it on to the rest of the family." It basically said if you ask for it, you're being rude, but if your parents or whatever say "Oh, they already have most things...money would probably help them more" then it isn't as big of a deal. Me personally? I tend to give money anyhow for wedding gifts. People register for stuff that's either too expensive for me, or they don't have a huge registry and everything is already bought. So money is just more convenient, then they don't have to worry about returning some useless gift I just randomly selected.

[musicalbabe85]

When my cousin got married, he and his fiancee booked their honeymoon through this company called beachbum or something. They sent all the guests (I assume, I received one) a note that asked for a donation to help pay for the honeymoon. Kind of irked me because I wasn't getting to take a trip with them, why should I help pay? I didn't even get to take a honeymoon, so I sure as heck wasn't going to help pay for theirs!

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by LuxLiving

and on the wedding invites too, I'd have my maid of honor and best man sign these inserts...

"Ms. Cooliemae & Mr. Cooliemae-To-Be plan to buy a home soon to get them started in life. Although registry gifts are lovely they already possess many household items, so, their family and beloved guests are encouraged to gift them w/cash or equivalent in lieu of a wrapped gift to help them with their future down-payment. A money tree will be available at the shower/reception or you can make a deposit at $$Bank in downtown Cooliemaeville to the "Cooliemae House Fund". Every time they enter their Home-Sweet-Home they will be reminded of the great send-off you gave them!"

...or something to that effect!

JMHO but I would find this quite tacky. There is simply no polite way to ask for cash.

What I would suggest is telling your parents and perhaps your bridal party members the situation. That way when people ask them what you guys would like or where you are registered, they can tell them that you aren't registered anywhere and would prefer monetary gifts to use toward a downpayment. Doing it informally through word of mouth is different to me than formalizing it by putting it in writing with the invitations, even though the end result is the same.

[InDebtInDC]

Originally Posted by Aleta

Why in the world would you ask if ALL American traditons are necessarily good traditions? Yes, they are

Whoa, America has a deep history involving a lot of things. I won't go into it all but we have things like slavery, racism, women's rights, so on and so forth. If you think all American traditions are good traditions, then you are the enemy against everything for which a lot of people stand.

Originally Posted by Aleta

I would say that the fact that you say that doesn't sound like you are an American

I am a US citizen. I pay taxes. I participate in the political process.

My entire career has been dedicated to public service. I've served wounded veterans, contributed to the economic prosperity of the country (by serving the government and public at large), served to protect the public from frivolous lawsuits, etc. Outside of my professional career, I've marched on the Capital to promote women's rights, cancer awareness, and a plurality of other social causes.

Does that still not make me an "American"? What else do I have to do? Is there a list somewhere?

What have you done that makes you an "American", or is that something you're born with?

Originally Posted by Aleta

You must have had an idea of some traditions that aren't necessarrily good traditions to say that. Would you like to elaborate and maybe state the ones you don't care for/

Let's see. You have women's rights, racism, gender treatment, how the political system is biased against outsiders, tax codes are complicated, lack of understanding of the American legal system in general by Americans who are supposed to be the ones that voted for people who passed these laws, lack of cultural awareness, lack of foreign language skills, lack of comprehension on the impact of globalization, etc.

Need I go on?