Wedding Gifts, or How to ask for cash politely!

[musicalbabe85]

What if you scaled back the wedding a bit and instead of your father giving you a huge affair, he could give you a monetary gift equal to what you scaled back. Then, he would be helping you out much more than he would by paying for a wedding.

[tifnglen]

Try this

Free honeymoon registry - give and receive honeymoon gifts. No fees, no strings - Honeyfund.com

[m3racer]

My advice would be to keep it simple and don't expect much in return. I always thought that the wedding and reception should be close family and friends. Different strokes for different folks.

[pearlieq]

The only way that's really acceptable is the old fashioned way. Don't register and make sure your close family members and bridal party know you would like cash (preferrably spun with a goal in mind--a house downpayment, renovation, money for school, etc.) And for heaven's sake, nothing on the invitation and none of those tacky "money trees" or "dollar dances".

I certainly don't object to giving cash and I usually do, but I definitely mind a shakedown. I would think less of someone who came out and directly asked me for cash, for a few reasons. First, I would be obvious that they didn't have much sense of social graces, or were greedy enough to let that override their good judgment. Secondly, it implies that they're expecting a gift, and a valuable one at that. Finally, it pressures me and boxes me into a corner of what I would get them. Gifts should be given voluntarily--if they're going to demand cash upfront, they might as well just submit an invoice with the invitation.

[pearlieq]

Originally Posted by InDebtInDC

They want to invite you, but they're afraid that you won't bring cash

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Ah, come on, now. We really do have to allow that there can be cultural differences. What one group of people finds rude another group finds normal. Sometimes we have to be able to be in Rome and do as the Romans do.

I was eating with friends who handle meals a little differently than I am accustomed to. At one point, my hostess popped up from the table and brought me a second paper napkin. I was puzzled. I told her I still had my first and that it was good. They were high quality paper napkins, not those whisper thin things. She said something to exhort me to take the second napkin. As I did, I thought that perhaps I had unknowingly done something that signaled the need for another. I had folded the first in half. Did that mean the napkin was done in? Had I touched it to my nose or something, and that was something too disgusting for my hostess to contemplate at the lunch table? It is a small matter, but I do not like wasting the second napkin. But, I accepted it and will try to inquire about dinner napkin etiquette some other time. It might be that from her cultural viewpoint I had actually requested the second napkin or had done something rude enough to require the second. From my point of view, I did nothing disgusting or rude, nor did I think I asked for it.

These things can come up with small matters like napkins and large matters like weddings.

[Gruntina]

Originally Posted by Joan.of.the.Arch

Ah, come on, now. We really do have to allow that there can be cultural differences. What one group of people finds rude another group finds normal. Sometimes we have to be able to be in Rome and do as the Romans do.

These things can come up with small matters like napkins and large matters like weddings.

(Regarding to asking for specifics in wedding gifts) That would back-up not asking for what you want directly to your wedding guests in such ways as asking for cash in a blunt message on the wedding invitations assuming the guests are made up of mixed cultures. Not all guests will respond/think the same so why force it on everyone?

If it is the norms of a certain culture to give cash, let them do so. If it is not, let those guest do what they want to do as gifts.

I still stay not to put it in your wedding invitations and the like and leave it only to word of mouth if requests were made personally. This method would leave less room for unintentional insults. The same for registries, use it as a word of mouth instead of advertising in the invitations.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Ugh if "monetary gifts" was on the invitation I would feel it was a shakedown! I would feel like I was invited for paying for my meal.

And I'm from a culture where you give cash value of the meal. But it's expected, never printed. And to US weddings I give a gift.

And yes you don't need a gift from the store, but you register to help people with ideas of what you might like. NOT that you expect them to give you anything.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

And I'm from a culture where you give cash value of the meal.

I'm curious about this custom. How does one determine the value of the meal? What do you include? Do drinks count? Do you not determine your gift until you are there and see what is served? Do you give the same amount whether you choose the pasta or the filet mignon option? What if it is a buffet? Do you ask what they paid per person or do you just estimate what you think it is costing?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

You can pretty much tell by where it is, what an entree costs where you go and what a buffet costs at the hotel it's held at or restaurant.

Basically you give quite a bit, like a casual wedding $50/per person. Nicer places well more.

Nope it's just a standard average, it's really an asian thing. In Japan you give A LOT. A wedding normally costs $500/couple.

Same with China and Hong Kong $100-200 because it's less expensive. Sigh. I hate weddings, did I mention that?

Also you give less if you don't go. So I try not to go.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

Basically you give quite a bit, like a casual wedding $50/per person. Nicer places well more.

Also you give less if you don't go. So I try not to go.

Interesting. So if a couple decides to make a ritzy expensive affair, the guests get stuck paying for it. That sucks. Also lousy that folks, like yourself, would lean toward not attending to avoid having to give such a large gift. The point should be to celebrate together, not suck your guests dry. I can't say I care much for that custom.

[Aleta]

I'm also taken back by the custom of giving a gift according to what the meal would cost. Steves questions were logical.

I think the problem comes about when especially in May and June that there are so many graduations, weddings, mothers day, Fathers day, birthdays, anniversaries in the same months.

Personally, June is a very hard month on us because we have about so many close relatives with birhdays in that month alone. You have to really decide which ones you are going to attend.

My sister recently told someone that she wouldn't be able to attend theri wedding. The person appreciated it because everyone going received a card to the reception and it allowed for maybe someone else to bring an extra person. So much has to do with the amount of people you are catering to.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Sorry about that Steve, but don't go to an asian wedding. It really sucks. But if you aren't asian well you get forgiven A LOT more easily. But if you are, especially if you have been raised by immigrant parents or immigrated yourself, well there is a set way of behaving. NOT saying it's right, but it's just done.

Besides I'm in the camp of it's rude to even ask for money. I didn't do it. And of course I got money from family and I had a money box. But it's tradition.

[LuxLiving]

LivingAlmostLarge,

Can you point me to a website that has a picture of an Asian wedding money box? I'd like to see one. Thanks. ~Lux