Wedding Gifts, or How to ask for cash politely!

[fruitbowlk]

My cousin had a money trip put up at her wedding. We didn't ask for any money but that is what was given to us. So maybe you won't have to ask. But if you do. Say we would like a blessing towards our future house.

[PrincessPerky]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

I've never understood this method. First, I have no idea how much the meal cost and I think it would be rude to ask. Second, the reception is typically being paid for by the bride's family, not the bride and groom, so why should the amount of the gift be tied to the cost of the wedding since the money isn't going to the people who are paying the bills anyway. Third, why should people who choose to (and can afford to) have a fancier affair get larger gifts than someone who prefers (or can only afford) a more modest affair? If anything, the folks of more modest means are probably the ones who can most use the money.

Ditto that! I certainly didn't want my broke friends to skip my wedding just because my not as broke family could afford a fancier plate per person...

We got a cards with less than $10 in them, we were still appreciative. wouldn't have even begun to cover the cost of the dinner (much less open bar) but it wasn't the point, we wanted our friends there..the ones unemployed and the ones with lousy jobs..and the family with good jobs. (we didn't have any friends with good jobs that I know of...)

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by PrincessPerky

Ditto that! I certainly didn't want my broke friends to skip my wedding just because my not as broke family could afford a fancier plate per person

Exactly. Your gift should reflect YOUR budget and financial situation, not that of the bride and groom. If you can only afford $10, give $10. If you can afford $100, give $100. We base our gifts partially on how close we are to the couple getting married. Distant family gets less than close family and friends. We don't care if the wedding is being held in the backyard or in the ritziest place in town.

[Aleta]

My son and his wife had a very high end affair on a plantation that was absolutely beautiful. There were going to be those attending that couldn't afford expensive gifts like the other invitees did. My son and his wife registered with a few different places and listed items that could be purchased separately such as spoons, knives, kitchen towels. They listed the number that they wanted and it was up to whoever wanted to buy how many they could afford. My son's attitude was that if someone could only buy a spoon and that was their gift - that he would be happy with that. They wanted more for everyone invited to attend to enjoy the wedding festivities with them. Believe me, alot of people went home with great memories without having to feel like they had to pay for the wedding. Gifts are always an extra that should come from ones's finances and the heart. Like Steve said, depending upon how distant the relative is has alot to do with the gift.

[pretty cheap jewelry]

HoooWeee no doubt you have touched a nerve here

Can you stand just one more itty bitty post?
I was in this exact position 14 years ago.
We both had fully functioning households before marraige.

We did not want more stuff, we did not know how to discourage more stuff.

Did we register? No, although there are way more places to creatively do so now (ie the camping store, Pier 1, etc.)

Did we ask for money? Yes, indirectly. Therein lies the uncomfortable part. You have to trust in that others will get the word around. Too bad your husband's business colleague (who is invited) doesn't know your Mother to be able to ask.

Did we get money? Yes. His family understood completely and without question.

Did we get stuff? Yes. We ruthlessly returned but nowadays return policies are tighter.

In conclusion? You will treasure the stuff you get and can't return anyway. It will be fun, believe me. Everything problem AFTER a wedding looks miniscule in hindsight.

GOOD FUTURE TO YA

[LivingAlmostLarge]

That's why it's rude to ask for money. For precisely the reason Disneysteve hit upon. Because some people will care if they got $20 CASH. They would feel insulted.

Also the reason most people register for a wide range of gifts. We also got wedding presents from friends of $10, but at least they came. And we were very happy to have them.

It's the thought that counts. And why asking for money is rude.

[geojen]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

That's why it's rude to ask for money. For precisely the reason Disneysteve hit upon. Because some people will care if they got $20 CASH. They would feel insulted.

Also the reason most people register for a wide range of gifts. We also got wedding presents from friends of $10, but at least they came. And we were very happy to have them.

It's the thought that counts. And why asking for money is rude.

This was the just of the argument I was trying to make---its the thought that counts. And your wedding is about your marriage, not the gifts. I have no idea why InDebt thinks this argument is flawed, makes perfect sense to me!

[benosayi]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

That's why it's rude to ask for money. For precisely the reason Disneysteve hit upon. Because some people will care if they got $20 CASH. They would feel insulted.

Also the reason most people register for a wide range of gifts. We also got wedding presents from friends of $10, but at least they came. And we were very happy to have them.

It's the thought that counts. And why asking for money is rude.

It is tacky and tastless to ask for cash. I went to a wedding that stated on the invitation, monetary gift are appreciated. Mind you they must of spent 25,000 on the wedding and took a cruise on the queen mary for their honeymoon. I got a gift and the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.

[ScrimpAndSave]

Asking for money is tacky. Putting ANYTHING at gifts on a wedding invitation is double tacky.

Leave it to your friends and family to spread the word.

[stressedmama]

Asking for money directly is not polite.

However, if I was in your position I would limited my registry to just those items I really wanted or needed. Many stores also now have the option of listing gift cards on the registry. It's likely that people will either get a gift, find all the gifts taken and get you a gift card (you can use later for necessities and then must the money you would have spent on necessities towards your house fund), or end up giving you money.

[LuxLiving]

Originally Posted by benosayi

It is tacky and tastless to ask for cash. I went to a wedding that stated on the invitation, monetary gift are appreciated. Mind you they must of spent 25,000 on the wedding and took a cruise on the queen mary for their honeymoon. I got a gift and the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.

Benosayi, I think it's great that you gave them something that you wanted them to have, but please excuse me if I'm wrong, I thought the intent of gift giving was pleasuring the receiver? I do think it shouldn't make you feel bad though.

I have this same discussion w/my Hubster all the time. Just gifting someone with something he wants them to have doesn't always equate out to the happiness of the recipient. How about giving the person what they want or need and increasing their joy level?

He likes to give what he wants people to have - electronics. I, the receiver in this situation, have a very tiny electronic threshold and it does not make a good gift for me as I could care less about having any! He does it with everyone he desires to gift. So, to me, that means he's more interested in pleasing himself than actually getting the receiver a gift that truly reflects them and their tastes.

Anybody else have any thoughts on this?

IMHO- If I personally was going to feel like gifting that couple any kind of gift was going to leave me with hard feelings I wouldn't have gifted them at all. Maybe you have inside information, but my first thought was "Who knows, maybe the wedding and the very nice honeymoon were gifts as well?"

We have a timeshare and we will likely, among other things, be gifting our kids and their future brides w/a couple of weeks each at some very high end resorts. No additional out of pocket expense for them or us except to give them a bit of cash for the groceries. Any outside the walls fun such as sightseeing will probably have to be funded by them
but they'll have really fancy-schmancy places to stay at and say that they are going. Doesn't mean they still wouldn't need cash to start out life together. And, we won't be picking out the place. They'll pick out which resorts they want from the ones we have available - thus making the recievers of the gift happy.

I need to go see what Mirriam-Webster or dictionary.com says about the definition of the word 'gift'.

Here - this came from dictionary.com under gift and expresses the pleasure of the recipient sentiment I'm trying to convey here:

"A gift is something given whether by a superior or an inferior, and is usually designed for the relief or benefit of him who receives it."

So, while many of you seem to come from homes or cultures that think asking for money is tacky, can you explain to me how you rationalize the gift registry? Isn't that them asking for what they want? What will give them the most joy? Because it's hidden behind a gift the money aspect doesn't come in to play? Those who register are asking for what they want - why don't you consider that tacky?

Here's kind of how I look at it - If THEY don't think it's tacky, then who am I to say?

If I want to gift them I'll try to go with what they desire if I possibly can. If not, then I might just have to forgo gifting all together.

If I can't give w/joy and them receive w/joy then why are we doing this gift-dance at all?

If my soon to be married friends were horse lovers and needed or wanted feed & tack for their horses and asked for that, it would please me to be able to assist them in their pursuit for happiness by gifting in a way that would please THEM as well and MOST OF ALL. Becasue in my way of thinking, the day isn't about me and what makes me happy, but THEM.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by LuxLiving

I thought the intent of gift giving was pleasuring the receiver?

You raise a very good point. Yes, I think the gift should be something that you know the recipient wants, if at all possible. The problem is the giver wants to feel good about the gift also. Sometimes it is hard to balance those two issues.

Here's a good example:

My receptionist got married in 2006. She and her husband do okay but don't have a lot. I knew that they could use money more than things. I could have stuffed cash in an envelope and handed it to them. I'm sure they would have appreciated it, but I would have felt bad doing that, like I couldn't come up with anything better to do for someone I've worked closely with for years and know pretty well. I wanted to be more creative than that.

So I came up with the idea of giving gift cards - not one, but several. I know where she shops and where they like to go. I gave one card to Home Depot because her husband is a contractor/handyman. I gave another to the supermarket where they shop. Another to The Christmas Tree Shoppe which sells all kinds of home items both practical and decorative, another to a favorite restaurant and a couple of others. I put each in its own envelope and wrote a note on each hinting at what was inside (like "for a romantic evening out" on the restaurant envelope). They thought it was novel and creative. The end result was similar to giving cash but it was something they'll remember as being unique.

I think that's the other thing. The giver wants his gift to stand out and be remembered. Cash doesn't do that (unless it is a LOT of cash ).

[tabbycat31]

I'm not getting married anytime soon, however my sister is. She's been living with him for the last 4 years, and they have everything already. She's already thrown a huge hissyfit to my mother about paying for the wedding, even though the fiance makes more than my parents do (he also comes from a very wealthy family).

Last I checked, they're having 4 showers. I'm not getting them something for every shower, as they want me to do. So what I'm getting them is a wedding style scrapbook, and some embellishments, so that they can scrapbook the wedding. I also gave them a travel guide to Peru (where they plan on going on their honeymoon).

I have no idea what I'll get them for the wedding, it's already hard for me to get there (5 hour drive with soaring gas prices), and I hope they understand that.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by tabbycat31

Last I checked, they're having 4 showers. I'm not getting them something for every shower, as they want me to do.

They expect you to give them 4 gifts because they are having 4 showers? If so, that's insane.

I know brides who had more than one shower, usually because each encompassed a different group of people, but it is one gift per person even if someone comes to more than one shower.

[musicalbabe85]

Wow! 4 showers!! Crazy, IMO. I had 2 baby showers and 2 bridal "showers". My family lives a little over an hour from my husband's family, and I didn't expect everyone to drive so far. My mother, grandmother and aunt (all my mom's side) came to both for each, but they only got me one gift for the occasion. Not that I would've expected anymore! We had too much crap the way it was, lol.

In fact, I didn't even have a traditional bridal shower. We had already lived together for 2 years and I didn't want to have to sort through a bunch of crap to figure out what I wanted to keep and what I didn't. My husband's family threw me a Garden party, and I registered at Lowe's, Home Depot, etc., for gardening supplies! My family chipped in and got me $150 gift certificate to a local spa and took me out to Red Lobster for lunch. Much better than anything else to me.

[disneysteve]

One thing that hasn't been mentioned which I think is changing the traditional gift-giving habits is that people are typically getting married later in life. Because of that, many couples already have homes, cookware, linens, etc. They aren't starting from scratch like folks were years ago. Plus, people live less formal lives. Who uses china and silver and crystal anymore?

So I think we are stuck in the old traditions of wanting to give housewares and such when the reality is that more and more of the folks getting married are no longer in need of those items and would much prefer cash.

[tabbycat31]

I'm not sure if I'm even going to go to one shower. There's no way that I want to make the 5 hour drive from NJ to Boston (even if gas was $1/gallon I wouldnt do it) for a shower that would bore me to tears. Not to mention, my sister and I are not very close. They're lucky that I am (reluctantly) coming to the wedding, as it's not really worth the gas for me.

My mom has wedding fever right now (as she was married in a very simple ceremony, so she's acting out her own wedding fantasies on my sister). It's to the point where I can't even talk to my mom without her talking about this wedding.

If I ever get married, while I'd love to do it at the beach down the street, if my mom acts like this, give me 2 plane tickets to Vegas.

[geojen]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

One thing that hasn't been mentioned which I think is changing the traditional gift-giving habits is that people are typically getting married later in life. Because of that, many couples already have homes, cookware, linens, etc. They aren't starting from scratch like folks were years ago. Plus, people live less formal lives. Who uses china and silver and crystal anymore?

So I think we are stuck in the old traditions of wanting to give housewares and such when the reality is that more and more of the folks getting married are no longer in need of those items and would much prefer cash.

If this is the case, then wouldn't the whole point of giving wedding gifts be mute? Traditionally, these gifts were supposed to help a new couple set up shop, so to speak. If they already have a shop, what do they need gifts for?

I'm not saying that the event shouldn't be commemorated, but that is what the ceremony and reception are for, right?

[cooliemae]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

One thing that hasn't been mentioned which I think is changing the traditional gift-giving habits is that people are typically getting married later in life. Because of that, many couples already have homes, cookware, linens, etc. They aren't starting from scratch like folks were years ago. Plus, people live less formal lives. Who uses china and silver and crystal anymore?

So I think we are stuck in the old traditions of wanting to give housewares and such when the reality is that more and more of the folks getting married are no longer in need of those items and would much prefer cash.

This hits the nail on the head. My fiance and I will be spending most of our savings in order to have the wedding. Conservatively, we bugdeting $12,000 for the wedding (includes reception, chapel, hair/make-up, dress, limo, DJ, photographer, hotel stay, etc.).

My fiance is slightly older than I am and we would like to start a family not too far into the future, but we don't want to be in the house we currently rent when that happens. So we are looking at houses to buy, but with the wedding using up our savings it will most likely be a year to two before we have enough money saved up again for a downpayment.

That's were the cash would come in.

Having a "house fund" would allow us to move forward and start our family sooner than we would be able to do otherwise.