Wedding Gifts, or How to ask for cash politely!

[Aleta]

InDebtInDC: You sound like a very angry person.

I don't consider slavery a tradition. Those are causes and alot of people don't believe in most of the causes you spoke of.

[InDebtInDC]

Originally Posted by Aleta

InDebtInDC: You sound like a very angry person

I am angry at ignorance. Right now I'm treating you like somebody who flick me off because I'm doing the speed limit in the right lane. Doing the speed limit in the right lane is my right. You shouldn't get upset at other people when they're asserting their rights.

You're free to practice your own traditions, but don't get high and mighty and say that your tradition is better than anyone else's simply because they are your own. They are your traditions, and are no more or less legimitate than anyone else's tradition.

That "do what you want in your own country" attitude can also be turned around on you because unless you are native Indian, if I went back far enough at some point you were an immigrant as well. And even if you were native Indian you migrated here from somewhere else earlier. There was life on this continent before your family landed here.

Originally Posted by Aleta

I don't consider slavery a tradition. Those are causes and alot of people don't believe in most of the causes you spoke of.

Main Entry: tra·di·tion
Pronunciation: \trə-ˈdi-shən\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English tradicioun, from Middle French & Latin; Middle French tradicion, from Latin tradition-, traditio action of handing over, tradition — more at treason
Date: 14th century
1 a: an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom) b: a belief or story or a body of beliefs or stories relating to the past that are commonly accepted as historical though not verifiable
2: the handing down of information, beliefs, and customs by word of mouth or by example from one generation to another without written instruction
3: cultural continuity in social attitudes, customs, and institutions
4: characteristic manner, method, or style <in the best liberal tradition>

While I don't disagree that slavery is a cause, slavery rests on the premise that people of different skin colours are different and not equal.

Slavery meets all definitions of a "tradition" as posted above.


We live. We die. Get over it. If the OP wants to ask for money, and as long as she doesn't blow it, let her ask for it in the way she feels is best.

The entire focus of this thread is wrong. We should be helping her:

a) get as much money as possible;
b) manage the money she does get; and
c) make it grow for her.

This is the saving advice forum, not the social etiquette forum.

[Aleta]

The reason that I responded to your post in the way that I did is because oTo be honest, this is the reason why native Americans do not get invited to foreign weddings. Not only does each American represent a meal that is not paid for, but also each American also represents money that is forgone.

f a portion of your post.

You have a very condescending attitude.

[LuxLiving]

Sorry, IMHO, the way you are using the term native American may be confusing to some. I think you may mean natural-born American. There are Native Americans, meaning they are of Indian heritage. But, if they were born in the US they are also a native-born American or natural-born American.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I don't know exactly but pretty MUCH every etiquette book says asking for money is RUDE. There is no way to say it nicely.

But heck it's becoming more common. But IMHO, I feel no one should be expected to give a gift or should be expected to contribute.

[InDebtInDC]

Originally Posted by Aleta

The reason that I responded to your post in the way that I did is because oTo be honest, this is the reason why native Americans do not get invited to foreign weddings. Not only does each American represent a meal that is not paid for, but also each American also represents money that is forgone.

f a portion of your post.

You have a very condescending attitude.

Main Entry: con·de·scend
Pronunciation: \ˌkän-di-ˈsend\
Function: intransitive verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French condescendre, from Late Latin condescendere, from Latin com- + descendere to descend
Date: 14th century
1 a: to descend to a less formal or dignified level : unbend b: to waive the privileges of rank
2: to assume an air of superiority

I restricted my discussion to finances, whereas you broadened your comments to include cultures in general, even accusing me of being unAmerican at points. Show me one thing I said that suggested that I was superior to you.

Do not mistake your inability to maintain a persuasive argument for being condescending on my part. I simply dismissed 99% of what you said as being invalid. At no point did I attack you personally; only that your points were invalid.

You may be a good person, but you were unable to respond with legitimate comments to any of the issues I brought up in response to your posts. If you can't defend your postings, then think clearly about what you're posting.

I made no condescending comments. Instead, I attacked your points head-on. But remember that at no point did I say "Aleta was a bad person" or "I am a better person than Aleta". If you feel this way then I apologize. Show me where I said this and I will fix it.

[PrincessPerky]

If the original topic is still of interest....I find telling parents to be easy in my family...and they are the ones who were pestering us 'why didn't you register yet? Aunt Lue is asking what to buy you'...so since they are the ones asked what to buy they were perfect to fill in money for a house as the true need. Not that all gave us money..you can't change folks traditions..we were told in advance what one lady would give us, not because she talked, but because it was the same present she had given every newlywed in all her known years .

[PrincessPerky]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

I don't know exactly but pretty MUCH every etiquette book says asking for money is RUDE. There is no way to say it nicely.

But heck it's becoming more common. But IMHO, I feel no one should be expected to give a gift or should be expected to contribute.

but when one is asked 'what do you want'...what are you supposed to answer? does the etiquette book have anything to say on that?

[Aleta]

LuxLiving: I apologize to you. I was trying to quote InDebtDc's remarks and the reason that I responded the way that I did. I also come from a Native American background and my one side of my family came here in the 1648. I live in South Florida and you really do have to be tolerant to understand other people and I feel that I do that pretty well.

We have a site where most people come here deeply in debt and do the best that they can in the gift giving area and the last thing they need to here is the condenscending remarks of other people.

Didn't mean to offend anybody. We have a lot of people here that need encouragement in what they are doing.

[Gruntina]

Personally I would not say anything about the money or gift or registry of any kind in any wedding invitation. Leave that to your parents or those who are helping with the wedding to spread when requested by others. By not doing a registry narrows down the choices for guests which probably results in more monetary gifts.
The whole point of a wedding invitation is that you’re announcing that you are getting married and you want to invite those to come and see the ceremony and join in the celebration. It is about getting married and not buying a house.
How people respond to the invitation is up to them whether they respond by their ideas, cultures, and expectation. Leave it to them to decide if they want to accept the invitation or not and what they want to do as far as gift goes rather than enforce it on all type of people.

To be honest - I rather get a bad gift than be asking for one

[LuxLiving]

PrincessPerky, I would think (of course I'm often wrong on the etiquette questions) that one could then politely answer, "you don't have to get us anything, but if you want to do something for us anyway, we've set up an account at Cooliemaeville Bank for our house-downpayment. Many people are just contributing to that by going in to the bank instead of buying a gift. We set it up where we won't know the amount of any one person's gift, but everyone will be helping us pursue our dream of home ownership."

I don't normally run w/high society types so I'd probably just say "Dang girl, we don't need a thing. But some folks are giving cash to our downpayment fund."

Aleta, no need to apologize!

[InDebtInDC]

Originally Posted by LuxLiving

PrincessPerky, I would think (of course I'm often wrong on the etiquette questions) that one could then politely answer, "you don't have to get us anything, but if you want to do something for us anyway, we've set up an account at Cooliemaeville Bank for our house-downpayment. Many people are just contributing to that by going in to the bank instead of buying a gift. We set it up where we won't know the amount of any one person's gift, but everyone will be helping us pursue our dream of home ownership."

Best advice. No more comments on this topic from me.

[LuxLiving]

InDebtInDC, hahaha!!! No, was speaking to Aleta I think!

Some Indians are from Calcutta! Hence if they were born there they are native Indians! Just not Native American Indians. Oh the world is a big old mish-mash place!!

To the SA population at large - I think many of us born in the USA'ers need to remember there is a larger world population out there and many of them are here posting! We've already had that discussion recently, yes? We're on the WWWeb folks. I have to remind myself of that every now and again! Everybody has traditions. THEY VARY from person to person!

I wouldn't dream of belching after a meal in a host's home. My Hubster of German descent wouldn't dream of not belching after a host has fed them a good meal. In his culture not doing it would be rude. Go figure! *Disclaimer, I'm sure not all Germans belch after being hosted!

[vsjhoc]

Originally Posted by LuxLiving

"...We set it up where we won't know the amount of any one person's gift, but everyone will be helping us pursue our dream of home ownership."

This would be a good approach, although I would want to know who contributed (not how much) so I could write them a thank you note to tell them how much I appreciated their gift.

Anyone know how to solve that one? Maybe you could get the bank to give a list of depositors to the newlyweds.

[InDebtInDC]

Originally Posted by LuxLiving

InDebtInDC, hahaha!!! No, was speaking to Aleta I think!

Some Indians are from Calcutta! Hence if they were born there they are native Indians! Just not Native American Indians. Oh the world is a big old mish-mash place!!

To the SA population at large - I think many of us born in the USA'ers need to remember there is a larger world population out there and many of them are here posting! We've already had that discussion recently, yes? We're on the WWWeb folks. I have to remind myself of that every now and again! Everybody has traditions. THEY VARY from person to person!

I wouldn't dream of belching after a meal in a host's home. My Hubster of German descent wouldn't dream of not belching after a host has fed them a good meal. In his culture not doing it would be rude. Go figure! *Disclaimer, I'm sure not all Germans belch after being hosted!

I think you demonstrated exemplary sound advice and excellent cultural awareness. Thumbs way up for you. Good going, fellow INFJ


It has been my experience that people don't quite fully comprehend the full scope of what they say. Like you said, people whose family is from India but are born here could be considered native American Indians as well.

I have been struggling with this issue my whole life. People will say something extremely broad to mean something extremely narrow. Then when you bring back an interpretation that is within the broad interpretation, but not the narrow interpretation they originally intended, you get your head bitten off.

I think we should be clear and say precisely what we mean. People can't be expected to be mind readers.

[InDebtInDC]

Originally Posted by vsjhoc

I would want to know who contributed (not how much) so I could write them a thank you note to tell them how much I appreciated their gift.

Anyone know how to solve that one?

How about you send a generic thank-you note to everyone with subtle hints that you appreciate their gifts? Perhaps draft the note in a way that the people who didn't give wouldn't be alienated, and the people who did give feel like you've acknowledged them.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by LuxLiving

We set it up where we won't know the amount of any one person's gift, but everyone will be helping us pursue our dream of home ownership.

I wouldn't like that approach. Why shouldn't the bride and groom know who gave them what. If you were given a check instead of a bank deposit, you'd know the amount. If you were given a tangible gift instead of money, you'd know the approximate value of that item. Why shouldn't you know the gift amount this way? I don't see any reason to hide the amount of the gift. If someone was particularly generous, I'd want to acknowledge them accordingly. And I'd want to keep that in mind if the opportunity to reciprocate arose in the future.

[LuxLiving]

Good points DisneySteve.

[cooliemae]

Well, I'm glad to see I sparked such a good discussion...

For the record, neither myself nor my fiance are expecting anyone to give us a gift, but we know that people will be asking.

I have already spoken with our parents about our wishes (much to the disappointment of my southern MS mother) and of course they will be gently spreading the word as questions are asked.

We will probably be doing some combination of the suggested posting.

It's funny how everywhere there are different etiquettes for events. My fiance grew up with the understanding that when one attended a wedding you provided enough money for your meal, plus a little extra for the bride and groom. I grew-up with a more pragmatic view, that if you're going to get the bride and groom something, get what they want (cash or present doesn't matter).

Thanks for all input!

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by cooliemae

My fiance grew up with the understanding that when one attended a wedding you provided enough money for your meal, plus a little extra for the bride and groom.

I've never understood this method. First, I have no idea how much the meal cost and I think it would be rude to ask. Second, the reception is typically being paid for by the bride's family, not the bride and groom, so why should the amount of the gift be tied to the cost of the wedding since the money isn't going to the people who are paying the bills anyway. Third, why should people who choose to (and can afford to) have a fancier affair get larger gifts than someone who prefers (or can only afford) a more modest affair? If anything, the folks of more modest means are probably the ones who can most use the money.