Stay at home or Work?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I was wondering for those who have kids, did you/spouse choose to work because of finances required or medical insurance? And for those who chose to stay at home was it due to finances (Cost more to work), or was it because you wanted to and it would be more beneficial to have kept on working?

I just wondered what drove your choice of lifestyle? And how did you determine which decision?

[momof1in150]

I worked initially when my 1st son was born because his daycare was on the campus of the college that I worked on. When we moved overseas I didn't work - the main reason was that my DH was deployed and I wanted my son to have as stable of a childhood as possible. Up until last year I stayed home. It would have cost me more in childcare costs, clothing, convenience foods, gas, insurance, etc. for me to work. I took a job at my church two years ago because they worked around my youngest child's preschool schedule.

I am now starting Real Estate and the brokerage that I am working for understands my need to be at home for my kids so I work mostly from home. My son comes to the office with me as I need to be there for meetings.

For the most part I stayed home because it was best for the kids and didn't make financial sense for me to work.

[noppenbd]

Before our daughter was born, my wife initially wanted to continue working part time (3 days a wk). After she was born we started to consider whether it made sense for her to stay home full time (I make a lot more than her so it wouldn't be possible for me to stay home). Unfortunately, the health plan with my work is terrible, so we would have to go to private insurance. Since my daughter is still so young we are not comfortable with that option (plus it would be very expensive). Therefore my wife continues to work 3 days a week basically for the health insurance. If there were universal health care we would be the first to sign up.

[sweeps]

My wife chose to work part-time for financial reasons but even more so for sanity reasons -- she enjoys occasionally breaking the diaper-changing routine and socializing with her coworkers.

[jIM_Ohio]

Health reasons. My kids are susceptible to infections, so being around other kids is a huge health risk- both in terms of staying healthy, the cost of the treatments, and their long term health in life.

For that reason wife and I are each changing work schedules for the twins.

I am switching from 8-5 to 2-10 or 3-11.
Wife is moving most client appointments to mornings (7-2) then working from home from 2-7.

Twins will not be exposed to other kids until Jan of 09 at earliest, probably June of 09 more likely. SIL is the daycare provider, $50/day ($25 each kid per day), so the cost is good, just need to vigilant about the health of my sons.

Then it will be daycare because our budget is based on two incomes and financial goals (early retirement) is also based on two incomes now.

1/2 of my one paycheck is what we save each month, most of the other half is what pays the mortgage. If we get rid of the mortgage and have enough in savings, I won't need to work anyway.

[disneysteve]

We decided early on that DW would stay home. We didn't want our child being raised by strangers. My wife actually left her job in December 1994 and got pregnant the following month. DD was born in September 1995. DW remained a SAHM until 2005 when she took a job that kind of fell in her lap. She wasn't looking for work at the time. She was at that job for 2 years (it was full-time). She was then no employed until around July 2007 when another job kind of found her, this time it was a part-time position. She is still there, working a couple of days per week. She's home to get DD off to school. She's home when DD gets home from school.

We don't "need" her income, but it is always nice to have. Currently, 50% of her gross pay goes into her 401k. I wanted to do 100% but the limit was 50%.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Jim is it easy to switch schedules like that?

Noppendbd does your wife work split schedule so you don't pay daycare?

[jIM_Ohio]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

Jim is it easy to switch schedules like that?

I am project based at work.

My projects are either solo or I lead a team which works out of Pune (India).

Most of my project time is sitting at a PC doing my work. 80% of my time has no interaction with co-workers. If I lead Pune, 10 pm EST would be the beginning of their day, so that makes sense too.

I tried selling my boss on working 5pm-1am, but he wanted to see me for a short period a few times a week. Party pooper.

[zetta]

I was making $110k as a software engineer before my first child was born, and my husband's salary was about the same. I'm one of the lucky few who had a real choice -- we could live on my husband's salary and benefits alone, or we could afford high quality daycare or a nanny share if I wanted to work. If you only looked at the financial aspect we would have come out ahead by my continuing to work, even after subtracting all the expenses and taxes.

I chose to stay home for the first two years because I wanted to enjoy that time to its fullest -- no stress of having to juggle work commitments, no pain of being separated from my baby. I think kids do fine in daycare, but mom misses out on a very special time by having so much on her plate. My project was looking like it would require 45-50 hours a week, and the director of software was unwilling to allow me to work part time as a team leader. It could be done, but just seemed like it would not be a very enjoyable time.

I thoroughly enjoyed being home with my son, going to playgroups, and hiking with other moms. When my son got to be about 20 months, I started feeling a little antsy, especially in the late afternoon. I needed to take a class or find an intellectual outlet, and decided that if I were going to do that, I might as well see if I could do something that would be good for my resume at the same time. Finding part-time contracting work was easier than I expected, and I now work 20 hours a week from home. I hired a college student to feed my son lunch, play with him for an hour or so, then put him down for a nap.

We're planning to have another child, and I think I will again stop working for 1-2 years, then resume part-time work. Maybe go up to 30 hr/wk when both kids are in elementary school. This balance between doing something with my skills and also being with my kid(s) suits me.

As a side note, the other team leader at my small company became pregnant a few months after I left, and chose to continue working. She was promoted to director of software after the previous one left, so there's a reasonable chance that I could've had that job if I'd stayed. There are always tradeoffs no matter what choice you make -- something is gained (time and sanity in my case) and something is lost (money and career advancement).

[noppenbd]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

Noppendbd does your wife work split schedule so you don't pay daycare?

No, that isn't really an option for us. We still need daycare 3 days a week. The way we are currently doing it is my parents are watching her 2 or 3 days a week and then I am able to take off one day every two weeks by flexing my time to fill out the schedule. The 45-min drive is putting some strain on my parents so we are currently looking for a P/T nanny.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Zetta what do you think is the reality of returning to the workforce after being out? As hard as people make out? Do you lose a lot of finaces?

[zetta]

Zetta what do you think is the reality of returning to the workforce after being out? As hard as people make out? Do you lose a lot of finaces?

I think it's very difficult to make generalizations. It will vary by what line of work you are in, how much experience you had before you left, how long you stay out, how well you maintain your network and keep up your skills, and the state of the economy when you try to find work. If you are considering staying home for a time, it's good to think about reentry stratgies before you leave.

I knew someone who had taken a year off to travel and was able to find work afterward, and an older guy who had been laid off for two years and then found work, so I reasoned it wouldn't be a big deal to be out for 12-18 months in my field. My assessment was that at the 3 year mark I would need to at least have taken some classes, and at the 5 year mark I would need to get some sort of certificate or a master's degree to get back in. Beyond that I think I would be looking at a career change or starting over at the entry level. I didn't have a set timeframe for how long I would stay out, but figured I'd do it when it felt right. Of course, the real test will come if I decide to transition from contracting back to a regular job.

While I was out, I made a point of going to lunch every month or two with old coworkers (my mom babysat), and those contacts led to my present job. It probably would've been a good idea to take some online classes along the way.

Financially you have to consider both the loss of salary during the time you are out and the opportunity cost of not getting salary increases and promotions in your career (and weigh it against the opportunity cost of the time not spent with your baby.) I've taken a step backward by going from project lead to programmer, for instance, and am doing less interesting work than before. My DH has received $30k in raises in the last 3 years, and I might have seen a similar increase.

I also have a big nest egg that I acquired before I married (and keep as separate property), so I have better than average protection if my marriage is unexpectedly struck by one of the 3 D's -- death, divorce, or disability. Staying home does increase your vulnerabilty if one of these hits, but I don't believe in making the decision whether or not to work solely based on fear. You just have to consider the possibilities and think through how you would get back on your feet if the worst happened.

[ThriftoRama]

Our baby is now 2 weeks old and we have only partially resolved this question. We had always agreed that when the time came, I would leave full time work and begin freelancing full time. It's a lot more flexible. I put that plan in to action 8 months ago. I am currently taking a month-long break from freelancing, although with the hectic and unpredictable schedule of a newborn, I'm wondering when it will be realistic to start working from home again.

Also, some of the projects I do require me to sit at the federal district court all day for weeks at a time. My mom can't always baby sit, and I don't know of a daycare that will take your kid short term (i.e. I need care this week, and maybe a week later this month?). This will present the biggest problem, as the money for these projects is too good to pass up.

I do feel blessed that I have a career where freelancing from home is a viable option, though. It just remains to be seen how exactly it will work out.

[zetta]

I'm wondering when it will be realistic to start working from home again.

For the first 3 months, consider yourself lucky to get a shower on a regular basis. (And if your first two weeks have been easy, you may be coasting on new baby adrenaline.) For the first year, expect your baby's schedule to change about every 3 months. You may or may not be able to work during naptime from 4 to 18 months -- if you have hard deadlines, make sure you have backup care in place. After that my experience has been that it is essential that you hire someone to be there when you work, or possibly to work late at night when the kiddo is in bed.

I don't know of a daycare that will take your kid short term (i.e. I need care this week, and maybe a week later this month?).

I think your best bet is to advertise on Craig's list to find another SAHM who is willing and able to be flexible to accomodate you -- someone who would like to earn some extra money, but doesn't need to depend on it. Daycares will lock you in to a schedule, and p/t nannies need a dependable income stream.

[Snave]

My wife worked for the first year. She was a teacher and we had our son in January, so she was only back at school for a few weeks when summer came. She decided to go back the following year as there was a daycare in her building. That lasted through the following winter break and then she left for good. I make a good salary and we didn't need hers all that badly. It was nice to max out her 403b. However, once we payed the daycare and maxed the 403b, she didn't come home with more than a couple hundred bucks. While the daycare in the building sounds nice, they treated it more like a babysitting service. It was run by a company, but b/c most of the teachers that had childred in the daycare were at that school, if something was wrong, etc... they would just waltz into the classroom. If it wasn't on site, they couldn't have done that (and shouldn't). The last straw was the day that she went in to get him and asked for his empty bottles and they the daycare ladies just looked at each other. They never fed him all day. That was about the end of it. She stuck ito out until the break and left. She would have had to leave in a few more weeks anyway as I took a new job out of state. Now, she stays home. She tried a few evening jobs such as being atech at a sleep lab 2 nights a week, but the $10 an hour for 8 hours a week wasn't worth the gas, etc... She may go back and teach in a few years.

[SnoopyCool]

Before becoming pregnant, we decided I (mommy) would stay home. We really want to give our kids the best foundation and that means I stay with them. A hard decision, but it has been the most rewarding. Financially, it has been hard but it works out.

[Spud]

For us, it was mostly a lifestyle decision. My husband works a lot of hours, and we worked together (though not in the same dept), so when one of us worked late, we both did, since we commuted together. We'd get home at 7:30, eat dinner at 8:30, go to bed at 10, and wake up at 5:30 to do it all over again. Weekends were full of errands that we didn't have time to do during the week. We had no time for fun, and were really going crazy. Shortly before we got married, I quit my job and never looked back. For about 2 years I was a stay-at-home-wife. That doesn't happen much these days! I didn't know whether to feel conservative and anti-feminist like June Cleaver, or so radical that I was an ultra-feminist.

That being said, it wasn't a huge financial sacrifice for me to stay home. I made enough for me to support myself when I was single, but my salary wasn't a lot by any means. Daycare costs and costs of work would have made my salary negligible. It's just not worth it to me. I'm much happier making sure everything is well-kept and organized (or at least semi well kept and semi organized!) around the house, and raising our baby the best way I know how.

Sometimes I think about maybe getting a P/T job once the kids are in school. Maybe work just enough to be able to qualify for health insurance and a 401(k). I'd like to be a front desk person. Answer the phone... greet people... type a letter... mail packages... and not think about my job when I go home at night. Maybe I could have a job-share with another mom or something. Or maybe I could work retail -- Pottery Barn or something -- and get a discount. Eh, that'll probably never happen. But it's kind of fun to think about!

I do worry about "The Three D's" as zetta called it. Not divorce so much, but my biggest financial fear is that my husband dies or gets sick/disabled and is unable to work. All our eggs are in his basket. We have good medical coverage through his work, but I'm sure we're not as insured as we should be... and I'm also not sure where to go to find out what we need to do to get there.

[PrincessPerky]

I stay home because I like my kids more than any other job...plus I am a teacher, so leaving my kids to go be with kids, isn't really a break! Though I would stay home at least most of the time regardless.

I do think new moms need breaks, I found mine in girls nights out, book clubs, game nights, and just plain putting the kids to bed early enough to enjoy my married life. (though that does tend to result in more kids .)

Financially teachers don't get paid more than the day care would cost, so it works for us that way too, though I would do it regardless.

I also homeschool, Which I do for MANY reasons, one of the most important being the quality/speed of education. One on one with me doing anything they need is much more efficient than a class of 30 where role call has to be done children must be lined up and all must share the one or two teachers in the room (even if I did need to do role call it only takes a second with three! and sharing mommy with your brother and sister is far easier than sharing with 29 other children)

[sweeps]

Originally Posted by PrincessPerky

Financially teachers don't get paid more than the day care would cost

Yes, but did you count the pension?

[MonkeyMama]

You know, around here I blog/speak much about the financial reasons why my spouse (hubby) stays home, but it was a personal decision we made long ago. It really had little to do with finances. We wanted to raise our kids ourselves.

With time I think we have decided in an ideal world we would both work part-time. If we had known this before, we would have worked towards this goal.

I have the next best thing. I know the kids are well cared for (who else will care better for them than a parent?) & most of the household stuff is taken care of by hubby. So I don't identify with the plight of most working moms. I also have a pretty flexible schedule. So best of all worlds.

The only other thing I had to add was that I was fiercely anti-daycare before I had kids. Things change once you have kids. They have different personalities, and you learn that being with them 24/7 doesn't make you a good parent. In some cases it makes you a worse parent (just so exhausting). We send both our kids to part-time daycare now. Not necessity at all, but it is really good for them - both for different reasons. It was more for them than my spouse, but the stress factor is way decreased with everyone getting a break from each other once in a while. So yeah my tune has certainly changed there. I always read the comments about not letting strangers raise your kids. Well, duh. Our kid's daycare is our second family. We don't have family real local, so this is the next best thing. I can't imagine not having that support system.

Likewise, I did not *get* the mommy wars in the least with my first kid. He was fiercely independent and extroverted and bright, and he needed more than we could really provide. This is why we started considering daycare when we had once been so against it. Likewise, he was only awake 2-4 hours every day while I Was at work. Some of my SAHM friends REALLY annoyed me as they clearly thought I Was terrible to work. I breastfed and saw him at lunch every day, and he mostly slept while I Was gone. I didn't get what the big deal was. He went from infant to toddler in a few months (Walked at 9 months, etc.) Then I had another child. He was more what I expected. I didn't know there was this whole baby stage between infant and toddler. IT was just SO different. & yeah I missed a LOT more waking hours with him (he just didn't sleep much) so it was a very different experience with him. I actually stayed home 8 weeks with my first child and was very fine with that. The second one I stayed home 6 months and it was hard to go back. Just very different experiences. & they needed very different parenting styles. I don't think baby #2 would have thrived as much if I Went back to work at 8 weeks with him. But we kind of took their lead and made it work best we could. I guess my point being, the best laid plans, when you have kids? You never know how it is really going to be...

I have to agree with Zetta in that it really depends, on returning to work. I could have taken a year or 2 off of my job and it would have been sitting waiting for me. Or finding another job would not have been a prob. I also have a very flexible schedule. But talking to my other mom friends I find this to be quite rare.

I think it will always be a different story if you are out of the work force 5-15 years then if you just take a year or 2 off. Those are 2 totally different scenarios. My spouse has been out of the workforce almost 6 years. HE may have some part-time opportunities later this year when the eldest starts school. BUT he is probably going to go back to school and update his degree before he even bothers trying to jump in. We always figured this was a chance to start over in a career he would enjoy more. It was an easy decision because he didn't like the track he is on. If he starts over in his early 30s, big whoop. Most people don't know what they want to do anyway in their 20s, so we figured why not have kids instead... He still is young enough that we don't feel much financial setback if he starts over in a few years. No intention to go back into his old field though.