Stay at home or Work?

[M-squared]

In my family, both of us work. We could probably scrape by with just DH working but my job has fantastic benefits, so I don't want to give those up. Besides, as much as I love and adore my children, I am just not cut out to be a SAHM, nor do I think that DH is cut out to be a SAHD. We were lucky to have found a fantastic woman who runs an in-home day care. She is like family to us. In fact, the kids call her "Auntie."

[feh]

My wife stayed home full-time after our son was born. We were (are) fortunate that we can live fairly comfortably on my salary alone.

My wife often says it was the best decision we ever made, and that she would not give up that experience for anything.

Our son is now 8 and my wife works part time, but she's always home when he gets off the bus (she works for the school district, so she's home with him all summer). He's never been in day-care.

There are trade-offs, of course. Before becoming a Mom, she was making a pretty good salary, and we were saving a ton of money for retirement. We're still able to save about 20% of our income, but we're not socking it away like we were when we were DINKs.

Also - she'd have a very hard time getting back to the salary she made 10 years ago. She worked her way up in a company by being an excellent employee. She wasn't doing anything she was specifically trained for in college, so if she wanted to start working full time again, she'd be starting over in a sense.

But, some things are more important than money, IMO.

[tripods68]

When our kids were born, my wife and I continued working since our family helped cared for our kids during the day which saved us thousands. DW works 3 days off 4, while I work 5 days a week. We talked about me staying home because she makes way more, but my state pension (besides our other retirement accounts 403b, 457,roth) will fund our golden years one day. So it is important I continue to work. At the same time, we continue to save and live below our means while and still affords some of the good things in life. More importantly, we continue to spends quality time and with our kids every day and everynight.

[mom-from-missouri]

For me to work full time, I would not make anything. If I worked FT locally, it would cost more in fuel and childcare than I would earn. To drive to the city would be the same thing.
So, our solution is for me to be a SAHM and we cut back on certain items. I also sub teach, and can do so without having to pay for childcare if my husband is off or on nights. The ony time I have to turn down a sub job is if he is on days.

[stressedmama]

Before I had kids I always thought I would just go back to work. Then my first son came. I stayed home with him for 4 1/2 months and then went back to work. It was so hard. I considered quitting, but to do so would have meant living paycheck to paycheck on hubby's salary. Plus my benefits were far better then his. So I went back part time (3 days a week).

After our second son came along, and again taking 4 1/2 months off, I have continued working part time and finally feel great about it. My kids are only in daycare 3 days a week, I get the benefit of having 2 days a week entirely with them by myself, I keep my great benefits, I get a break from being a SAHM and my kids get some needed interaction with other kiddos their own age. A big relief is that we have finally found a daycare that were we really like the teachers and is run more like a school vs a babysitting service. It's nice knowing that I can go back full time one if I decide to and will be earning a decent salary. In the mean time I'm still able to contribute to my 401K and am vested in a traditional pension plan. So, I think working part time has worked out best for us even though before I had kids it never crossed my mind.

[M-squared]

Wow! I never thought that I would be in the minority as a FT working mommy. Interesting.

[cashqueen]

M-squared, I am also a full-time working mommy out of necessity. I generally avoid these types of thread b/c I get offended with all the 'I don't want someone else raising my kids' and 'you could do it if you really wanted to' comments. That aside, I work out of necessity. It would be $650/month for family health ins at DH's job and considering he only brings home about $1500/month that is cost prohibitive. Sure, he could get a higher paying job (he certainly has the credentials/experience) but he doesn't want to and I can't make him. So in that respect I suppose it's a lifestyle choice (his, not mine). In my perfect world I would work maybe 2 days a week to keep me 'stimulated' but *I* don't have that choice.

[M-squared]

cashqueen: Agreed on the getting offended. I don't put much stock in the so called "mommy wars." Yes, I suppose we could do it on just one salary if we had to, but I don't want to. My benefits (health, retirement, etc) are much better than DH's. Plus, I work at a college and part of my benefit package is full tuition at my school or half of my school's (currently over $40K a year) tuition at any college or university my children want to attend. That is something I don't want to give up.

Aside from the money, I want my son and daughter to see their mom as a successful professional who loves them unconditionally, but also has a career. We know that we don't get to spend much time as a family, so we make what we do have work for us. That means dinner at the table together every night, and no tv while the children are awake. DH and I read, play and do puzzles with the kids every night. DS helps us cook dinner (DD is still to young). I know that I am a better person for working. I don't have it in me to be a SAHM.

The "I don't want a stranger raising my kids" sort of rankles me a bit. Our day care provider isn't a stranger. She is "Auntie Peace." She is special. Every year her house is FULL of cards at Christmas and her birthday from families and adults who went through her care. When her MIL died the house looked like a funeral home with all the flowers that people sent for a woman who they had never met. Peace and her husband had a memorial service at their house for the MIL last summer. (MIL lived in Ghana as Peace and her husband are African.) I think that almost a hundred people (including us) showed up for the service because we love "Auntie" and "Uncle" so much.

Anyway, that was a bit off topic. Sorry for the detour.

[LuxLiving]

Peace sounds like a lovely woman - I'm a SAHM because I wanted to homeschool my kids, however, the lady who did watch my kids when I needed a day out or to go to a medical appointment, was also a Peace type. She was no stranger to any of the kids in the neighborhood. Her yard had no grass! A good sign. My kids are long past that stage and our Peace has passed away, but I still miss her!

Not off topic at all, because we all make the choices we make to give our families the best we can of what we think they need. Sounds as if you and your spouse probably do more with your children than lots of stay at home parents.

[Gruntina]

Originally Posted by LuxLiving

Her yard had no grass! A good sign.

Can you explain how that would be a good sign? I am not getting it.. thanks.

[sweeps]

Originally Posted by Gruntina

Can you explain how that would be a good sign? I am not getting it.. thanks.

I'm guessing the neighborhood kids were always playing there, wearing away the grass...

[Snowgirl]

Well, while we don't have kids yet, this is something I feel very strongly about, and we already know that we'll both continue working. We are both engineers with good salaries, so cutting any of those would roughly mean a 50% cut in income, but most, we'd die staying home with kids all day. Even if I love children, and hope very much we can succeed in having one, staying with them 24h would drive me crazy. While I'm no mean an aggressive career woman, I need the challenge & reward of my work, and the work friendship. It would also be a waste of my degree to stay home, so much effort for nothing in the end. I didn't need an engineering degree to raise kids.

I also believe in the philosophy "It takes a village to raise a child", and daycare is the modern equivalent of that. In the earlier times, some women would take care of kids while others would do cooking , washing, picking fruit. There was no super women cooking, cleaning, feeding, disciplining, stimulating her children. This super kid centered SAHM is a very modern American phenomenon, even 80 years ago the moms would mainly do housework, and not spend much time with children. For me, the daycare worker, the caterer, the cleaning woman are all part of my modern village, and my personal task is to go work on computers! They have their speciality, are trained to do it, and can do a much better job at it than I would.

[sagegirl]

My DD (now age 10) started daycare when she was 8 weeks old. At the time, it was purely financial--we had no savings, credit card debt, and were not making that much money (no college degrees). When my son was born 4 years ago, we had a little money in savings and my hubby was making a decent income with benefits, so I decided to stay home with him. I was a SAHM for 18 months. I went back to work, partly for financial reasons, and partly because I missed working--I have worked since age 15.

My daughter is school age now and my son is in daycare. He has a great preschool and I don't feel like "someone else is raising him". I feel good about my choice to go back to work and I feel good about the people I chose to watch him while I am at work. Someday, maybe when he starts kindergarten, I would love it if either I or hubby could be home when they got out of school.

[terri77]

My mom was a SAHM and I know that she feels that is best for a child. If I have children I would like to continue working. I enjoy having a career and all that I have put into it. I also would love my children and want them to give them everything that they need.

I don't think it is possible to have it all and women are killing themselves trying. I don't know where my sacrifices will come, but hopefully my husband and I would work together for the benefit of our family to support each other at home and away from home.

[LuckyJB]

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