Babysitting issue

[tripods68]

About five months ago, my wife's cousin husband passed away. Now she is dealing with raising a child by herself. We know she struggles because her job does not pay well enough for her to afford a babysitter after paying all her monthly expenses. Of course, her coworker offered to babysit her daughter for several months (5 days a week for free) until she finds an affordable permanent babysitter. This include picking her daughter from the home and dropping off her to school in the morning and picking her up after school in the afternoon.

We recently heard "chatter" from her coworker that the cousin's daughter has become too much burden after 4 months of babysitting. They are planning for their vacation for this summer but unsure because they do not want to leave her daughter alone. At one point, the coworker confronted her and gave her a lists of babysitting facilities near her home to contact. But suddenly, the cousin was very distant and defensive. I guess she knew of a place at a cost $300 a week or $1200 a month.

We told her coworker that she should set a deadline and stop helping her out. We know clearly that she is being use by her. The very least, they would like to give her few more weeks to try and find a permanent babysitter. After all, they are doing this out of kindness. Furthermore, they both want to harbor any bad feelings between them since they work together, which is understandable.

After hearing all this come out, the rest of family were very disappointed that way she is treating her coworker. At the same time, we don't really want to "butt in" her business since we are not in the position to help her out with her babysitting situation. We told the cousin to move to an affordable rental place so she could afford many more things (short of mentioning her babysitting situation), but she admit, she likes where they are living now (even though it cost more).

We don't like to make judgement of what she is doing wrong. We know how tough her situations especially being a single mom. So we are sympathetic to her. At the same time, it's weird to have her in our house and not discussed her situation openly. So I guess, should we say something to her or not. Do we just ignore it and hope she solve it herself. What should we do or don't do?

[cschin4]

Do we just ignore it and hope she solve it herself

Yes. Unless she has asked you for help, asked for your opinion, etc. You should stay out of it. And, you definately should not be talking to her coworker. Absolutely do not get in the middle of that situation.
As for her "taking advantage" of her coworker friend. That may be. But, they need to work this out for themselves. Your cousin is still smarting from the changes in her life and needs to sort things out for herself.
If you want to help in some way and can see then she needs it, then you can offer to babysit, help with home repairs, mow the lawn, etc. But, do not get involved in planning her life and telling her how to manage her child and finances.

[noppenbd]

While I think it is definitely an awkward situation, if it were me, I would not get involved. If you want to do something to help, offer to help scout out some babysitting facilities for her. You can just say you know she is busy and you would like to help with the research part. I would not offer any money as she is not going to manage it well, and when you see her wasting the money you give her it will cause more strain between you and her.

As far as the coworker, it is up to her to set boundaries and up to your wife's cousin to respect them, or else they will both suffer the consequences. The coworker is enabling this behavior by not setting any deadline or charging any money. It is perfectly reasonable for the coworker to say that she has done as much as she can, and set a deadline for stopping for cutting back. If she doesn't do this, eventually she will resent your wife's cousin and maybe she will learn a lesson from it.

[FrugalFish]

I agree with the others and want to add that it's only been 5 months since her husband passed away- that is not very long at all. She is probably not ready to make changes like moving from her house, and having to put the daughter into a daycare situation with someone who is initially a stranger; resistance to these changes may be more about facing that DH isn't coming back EVER than it is about the money.

I would encourage you to help her in any way you can- time, assistance, even money- until at least a year has passed from the time her DH died. The first year of any grieving is so bad, I can't imagine losing your partner, especially at a young age and with a young child. This is a very painful situation, it's hard for me to imagine that you could speak openly to someone in her situation so soon after the event. Just be there for her and in time she will be ready to get on her feet and do what needs to be done.

JMO

[tripods68]

I actually feels better now that I've gotten some input. We would really like to stay away from her situation so we'll just ignore it.

They all work at the same hospital where my wife's work too. Some of her coworkers were less symphatic with her situation and that's how the 'chatter' started. And because my wife is the acting nurse-in-charge at the Unit sometimes its hard to avoid all that 'office politics'.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Wow, what a kind, kind co-worker to have been helping her like that

[SnoopyCool]

PP, I agree.. that is one wonderful coworker.

[CreditExpert]

yea, you dont come across workers like that everyday.