Did you consider spouse's spending habits before marriage?

disneysteve · #1 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 11:15 AM

I read a lot of posts here and elsewhere explaining how one spouse is a saver and the other is a hopeless spender, how couples need to keep separate accounts to avoid one spouse blowing all their money, how the responsible spouse has to guard the funds and dole out an allowance carefully to the other spouse.

Having never been in that situation, I can't speak from personal experience, but I just imagine that if, while dating someone, I would have realized that they were lousy with money management, that would have been a major turn-off to me and probably a deal breaker as far as staying with that person. Being rather frugal and a dedicated saver, I wouldn't knowingly choose to get together with someone who would threaten my financial security.

Seeing as money is always listed as the number one thing couples fight about and a leading cause for divorce, I wonder how much of that could be avoided by people being more alert prior to marriage and not marrying someone with drastically different ideas and habits regarding money, spending and saving. Just as I wouldn't have married someone who didn't share my views on children or religion or travel, I don't think I would have married someone who didn't share my views on money and personal finance.

Anybody care to weigh on with their thoughts on this topic?

Fern · #2 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 11:51 AM

I'm not married, but how someone I date approaches and manages money is certaiinly something i take note of. It's something i might privately weigh for a while, along with various other issues.

I have dated men who were very free and easy with thier money and didn't manage it well, and others who, like me, were more frugal.

I dont' think i would allow things to get serious with someone who didn't have a clue about finances. Too much risk. Maybe in my 20s i could indefinitely date someone who wasn't good with money as i was in no rush to get married, but these days, on some subconscious level, i would probably rule out someone earlier on if i saw that same trait. Probably becus I admire people who have their head together and have a clear understanding of their goals.

GoodBuyGirl · #3 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 11:53 AM

My husband and I are pretty much on the same wave when it comes to money. I have dated others in the past that were complete idiots financially. One was so bad he spent his last money on beer than wanted to borrow money from me for gas money to get to work. Yet I was made out to be the bad one for saying no.

thekid · #4 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 12:00 PM

Personal finance habits were not an issue in the early goings of my datings (before being with my long term gf, I was in my early 20s and really didn't look at spending habits of people I dated), but it certainly became an important criteria in the long term success of the relationship.

Common views on child raising, attitude towards familly, personal finance habits (which is so intertwined with sharing long term goals), willingness to seriously commit and a general happy demenour are probably the most important contributing factors the success of our long term relationship. These basic values are the key, much more than secondary interests.

Interestingly, we flip flopped! When we meet, she was more fiscally responsable than me. Now, I've caught up and surpassed her (or she caught up and surpassed me)...a little of both. We are however both close on the issue and committed to long term goals.

DebbieL · #5 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 12:01 PM

Yes, it was a big consideration to me. Both of us are very numbers oriented people. Actually he's the first person I ever dated who is as interested in budgetting, etc as I am.

DayByDay · #6 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 12:07 PM

I married at age 21 and didn't consider my own spending habits, let alone his. I "woke up" first when it hit me that I could not be a SAHM after my first child was born. DH has always liked to spend more than me, but he's now slowly coming around as he is getting older and thinking about wanting to be able to retire someday.

crabbypatty · #7 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 12:15 PM

I agree that the age you get married probably plays a part. I knew the financial differences between myself and my (potential) spouse. But I didn't realize what that meant for us long-term.

Despite the fact that we have investment differences, we're still on the same page in the big picture. Debt averse and frugal with spending in most area's.

thekid · #8 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crabbypatty

Despite the fact that we have investment differences, we're still on the same page in the big picture. Debt averse and frugal with spending in most area's.

Well said, same here.

gackle · #9 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 12:44 PM

No, I did not make my wife's finances an important part of my decision, but then again I'm more mature now than I was then. She wasn't loose with the money, but she did have about $2500 in credit card debt if I remember correctly and about $40K in student loans. She realized during college the folly of her ways and worked to get out of debt. I don't view the student loans as being irresponsible because it was a means to an end (plus if she hadn't taken out the loans we would have never met in college!). If I was single today I think I would say that spending habits matter, but then again love/infatuation is a very powerful emotion that can make people's minds turn to mush before you can say "I'M DEBT FREEEEEE!"

nanamom · #10 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 01:08 PM

Did I become aware of them, yes
Did it make a difference in whether I married him? NO
he shared my views on Faith, children, and I figure the rest can be learned. And he wanted to learn.
He was 60,000 dollars in debt and a really bad money manager.

Ima saver · #11 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 01:27 PM

My first husband was very bad with money. I made sure that current husband was Not a spender and Was a very hard worker, before we married.

LivingAlmostLarge · #12 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 02:30 PM

I was sort of youngish when I meet DH and it wasn't an important criteria when we were first dating. Having fun at 20 was though. I think the same for him. As we grew up and matured, we shared a lot of the same values. In the beginning though what drew us together was having a lot of the same interests, fun together, etc.

I guess now it would matter when I meet a man, but when you meet someone so young it's sort of hard to know KWIM?

But I will say this much, other dating experiences before DH I was only having a good time. There wasn't anyone else I was serious with, and thinking back I have no idea if those 16-20-something boys ever grew up and were serious about money. I hope they are now. Possibly not.

But really were you that responsible at 20? I never had debt, but I wouldn't say I was responsible or mature.

crabbypatty · #13 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

I was sort of youngish when I meet DH and it wasn't an important criteria when we were first dating. Having fun at 20 was though. I think the same for him. As we grew up and matured, we shared a lot of the same values. In the beginning though what drew us together was having a lot of the same interests, fun together, etc.

I guess now it would matter when I meet a man, but when you meet someone so young it's sort of hard to know KWIM?

But I will say this much, other dating experiences before DH I was only having a good time. There wasn't anyone else I was serious with, and thinking back I have no idea if those 16-20-something boys ever grew up and were serious about money. I hope they are now. Possibly not.

But really were you that responsible at 20? I never had debt, but I wouldn't say I was responsible or mature.

It's funny that you bring up the ex factor. If I think about it, DH is now and was then more financially responsible than other men I had dated. (if you live in your hometown you sometimes know these things)

ktmarvels · #14 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 04:13 PM

DH and I met when we were 19 and both in college. We did talk about our finances and we were both pretty much on the same as far as spending. I think our discussions about finances helped to solidify our decision, but I don't know how much of a factor it would have been if we had completely different views on money.

JoyJoy · #15 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 07:55 PM

Hubby and I were definitely not on the same page when we first met. He was a spender and I was a limited saver. Limited in that I was paying a big buck for meds and treatment due to being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I can say that hubby wined and dined me and I loved it!! We married and I relocated to New York from Michigan. I was given the job of money manager as my husband admired how frugal I was and also his two sons were very pleased that there was some "law and order" around the home! No more take-out taxis meals, Burger Kings and McDonald meals. Plain home cooking was accepted by all!

Things did change once hubby retired as we elected to split the bills up. He took on some of my money management ways and he is a good money manager. He still spends from time to time but out of his own checking account! I admire how he plans what he purchases now instead of jumping feet first into spending.

Life is good.

Broken Arrow · #16 (**permalink**) 04-13-2007, 08:12 PM

Well, when I got married at 23, the last thing on my mind was money. Although I wasn't flashy or spendy, frugality and fiscal responsibility wasn't exactly a part of my vocabulary.

In fact, being a single mother at the time, my ex-wife was much more financially savvy and responsible than I am.

However, as the years went by, the roles flip-flopped. I'm not entirely sure how or why. Perhaps she started to get used to being in debt, whereas I started to become scared of it. Whatever it is, it became the catalyst of our eventual divorce.

From now on, regardless of what type of relationship I find myself in-- if any-- l am always going to operate from the premise of financial responsiblity. I don't think that's demanding much.

MonkeyMama · #17 (**permalink**) 04-14-2007, 07:30 AM

Yes, but financial security has always been of upmost importance to me. So important that I don't think I could have married someone, or even really gotten along well with someone who was opposite in that regard.

All the same, people change and we can't always choose who we love, so I think there is only so much you can do.

My husband and I are both slow and cautious in whatever we do and was considered in our courtship and all that. We waited 7 years to marry and quite a few years to have kids - just wanted to be really sure before we made such huge commitments. But you know, I know few like us all the same. It has got to be tough though when you grow and change in some regard and your spouse doesn't, but it seems like we will all face that somewhat in our marriages. Though as far as finances I am not too worried - we always see pretty eye to eye. I can't imagine much would change us, we have lived on a lot of money and little and not much has changed. Neither of us went crazy when we had more money or anything, and I know we can survive on little, so that is the good here.

Anyway, though we agree 99% on our money, we still have that other 1% debate once in a blue moon. I could have been one ranting about dh here and there bit doesn't really mean much - we don't have much conflict in that regard. But for the conflict we do I guess I am awed if anyone really sees eye to eye 100% of the time - is that really possible?

LivingAlmostLarge · #18 (**permalink**) 04-14-2007, 08:43 AM

Monkeymama how old were you though? I think people wait longer to get married the earlier they meet. After all if you were 15/16 when you meet, not many get married two years later at 18 or something.

lieweheksie · #19 (**permalink**) 04-14-2007, 11:33 AM

when DH and I met we were both broke and not really interested in money( both of us were activists who worked to stop from starving)- but he was very generous with whatever money he had and that definitely influenced my decision

zetta · #20 (**permalink**) 04-14-2007, 01:31 PM

When DH and I were first dating I was concerned because he regularly surprised me with 4 dozen roses -- I loved the flowers but was worried he was a big spender and I knew that wouldn't be compatible long-term. Many months later I discovered he was getting getting them from Costco so it was only costing him $16! Big-time bonus points!

For me one of the key things when dating was to make sure the other person believed in paying off credit cards in full and not carrying a balance. I suppose if I'd met someone fantastic who was a reformed spender who was working hard at paying off the debt that would've been ok, but in general I was not interested in dating anyone who spent more than they could afford.

On the other hand, my DH and I probably should've had more conversions about investing and what percentage to save before we married, but in general it's turned out ok.