Did you consider spouse's spending habits before marriage?

[Scanner]

My wife and I are fairly responsible spenders and savers. . .however. . .where we have a huuuuugggge bone of contention in our marriage is my penchant for risk-taking and her ultra-conservative philosophy.

And it probably wasn't uncovered during courtship. Maybe it should have been.

She married a business person and that's not easy if you are ultra-conservative like she is (her mother and father never had a mortgage and her brother doesn't even own a credit card) because with business comes risk. And when you mediate risk, well then. . .you lose reward.

I love her but in a lot of ways we aren't compatible but as the years pass, I guess we are getting to be. Of course, at 38 y.o., I can't afford to be as risky as at 28 y.o. so that helps.

I really advise men not to get married until 40 y.o. - there's an old saying - "no man is worth a damn until they're 40." It's kinda true.

And women are attracted to money to a large degree (if not, you would see women marrying street bums). . .I think you couple this with the saying on 40 year old men, you create a formula for a happier marriage. Women want a conservative man with some wealth/net worth to bring home and provide for them.

This stereotypical moment was brought to you by Scanner

[Scanner]

BTW, if DisneySteve would allow me some discretion here to run a little with the topic - there's a great flick kind of about this - about choices men make, risks, rewards - it's called "Family Man".

In this movie, Nicholas Cage (good actor) plays a single, successful bachelor living a lot of guys dream life - getting to be a bit of a playboy, lots of money, and no kids to raise. He lives his potential in his career at his office by being a top executive of a company. He actually feels very fulfilled, even somewhat arrogant about his lot in life.

Through some fate and Hollywood writing magic, a dark angel is visited upon him who "curses" him to a life he never wanted to live - being a Family Man.

He wakes up one day to discover he's got a wife (an old flame he broke up with), 3 kids and works as a "tire salesman", has a proverbial best friend, and the suburbian bowling league and all (the writers do a good job of sterotypifying the surburban male lifestyle). I guess he drives a mini-van too.

He then lives out his year in somewhat of regret and love at the same time - changing dirty diapers, having rare sexual encounter with his wife, always wondering if he could have done better by taking a career risk, and now sees the trap of having to support a family - he can't take risks.

But of course, he loves it too.

In the end (sorry if I spoil it - it's still worht the rent though - really), he is able to reconcile the positives of being a family man with the positives of living a somewhat empty bachelor life - the angel fulfills his mission.

I don't know - the movie spoke to me in an odd way - the conflicts all males have on career and family and I guess women are experiencing more.

I think all women should watch it - sure, some of the desires the male has are juvenile but yet, I think any male would be lying if they didn't feel like Nicholas Cage in the movie.

Someone described marriage for males as sort of being a domesticated cat - you look out the window. . .you would really like to go prowling. . .probably all harmless stuff. . .you would like to get out. . .but you can't. You know it's warmer in here and your well-fed.

But yet. . .you yearn.

I think it's the only reason a man keeps a cat around.

LOL.

[asmom]

Great question. NO, I didn't consider my spouse's spending habits. I made a grave error: I assumed that he was financially responsible. I based this assumption on the fact that my father was/is a prolific saver, very conscious of how he spends his money and how he utilizes credit. For some reason, I thought my husband would be the same way, after all he was a man. Ya, silly I know. I was very, very young when we got married. I also assumed that we would be working together to achieve common financial goals, ie security, wealth, etc. I was wrong. He had his own agenda based on his personal insecurities and shame related to having grown up on welfare. To all the young ladies out there, consider my story a cautionary tale. Ask and observe.

[kateochang]

I'm not married yet but to be honest, I take into consideration when it comes to my future partner's spending habits and also his family financial background. Very important because that will determine my future life with him. Bad financial background will influence the way you live later on with your kids too.

I've dated guys with bad financial background and somehow, I'm glad the relationship is over.

[scfr]

We knew that neither of us had any debt and that we both had a bit of savings. We both admitted that we had some wasteful spending habits and had much to learn about budgeting, saving, and managing money. We agreed to work together to improve our financial situation. Most importantly, we knew about each other that we were responsible and respectful of each other, and that if we committed to each other to improve our financial situation, we would. And we did.

There was something about suddenly being responsible for another human being, plus knowing that we had a "teammate" in each other, that was very encouraging.

Now things are quite different, and if God forbid one of us were to die and either were to remarry, it would be a completely different scenario. I would insist on a pre-nup plus a viewing of a balance sheet & income statement, and I hope my DH would too if he ever remarried.

[pearlieq]

DH and I were engaged when I was 19 and he was my first real boyfriend, so I wasn't as savvy then as I would be now.

But even then, two things were very important to me:

1.) DH's finances were a mess, but he was willing to change and willing to let me take the lead with our money. There have been some stumbles over the years, but his willingness to listen to me and to try to improve has made us successful as a couple.

2.) DH has ambition. I couldn't marry a guy who wasn't ambitious. He didn't need to be rich, but he needed to have goals and to make progress toward those goals.

All in all, I feel like I married very well!

[jIM_Ohio]

wife and I married at 29/28 yo. The part about being "debt averse" is growing on her, and to me that is the basis for most successful financial plans.

We do not see eye to eye on retirement savings and early retirement. This is ongoing, as the issues on some of this did not come up until this year.

she does the checkbooks and I do the long term planning... this is working out OK. We also have decided to sit down once a month and discuss this until we get to a happy medium.

Actually just got back from a vacation which is important... if money is not spent then life really isn't livable... I am slowly learning that too.

the levels of financial discpline vary.
1) debt
2) image
3) retirement
4) early retirement
5) kids education

to me #1 and #2 are where problems lie... 3-5 is in the details which have room for compromise more than 1-2.

[fairy74]

With my first husband, no not at all, a very big mistake, we had very different financial styles and goals and argued almost non-stop mainly about money. With DH yes, for sure (learned my lesson), especially because he has two children from a prior marriage to support. We took our time to make sure our financial, spriitual, emotional, family goals were the same before we got married and started a family.

[thekid]

Originally Posted by Scanner

Someone described marriage for males as sort of being a domesticated cat - you look out the window. . .you would really like to go prowling. . .probably all harmless stuff. . .you would like to get out. . .but you can't. You know it's warmer in here and your well-fed.

But yet. . .you yearn.

I think it's the only reason a man keeps a cat around.

LOL.

Great writting Scanner. I think most males will relate to a certain degree. Certainly brought a smile to my face.

[FrugalPixie]

In one of our early conversations, my husband told me that he picked up his waterbed frame off the side of the road. That was one of the things IN his favor. He also went out yard saling with his mom on Saturdays. Another point for Hubby!!

I learned later in our relationship that his ex-wife was a spendthrift. He did not trust me because of her mistakes. We had a few heated discussions but in the end he realized that I am not her and never will be.

[pearlieq]

Originally Posted by Scanner

Someone described marriage for males as sort of being a domesticated cat - you look out the window. . .you would really like to go prowling. . .probably all harmless stuff. . .you would like to get out. . .but you can't. You know it's warmer in here and your well-fed.

Would you be surprised to know that women feel the same way? I'm not sure it's even a gender issue--just the natural human inclination to wonder about the path not taken.

Sometimes I look out my window and think about what my fabulous, footloose and fancy-free life would have been like. High powered job, adorable place of my own in a hip city neighborhood, an endless supply of stylish clothes, and dashing men whose laundry I'd never have to deal with.

We have our own yearnings about adventure and self-possesion. There's a reason why Sex and the City was such a popular TV show!

[Homebody]

I married at age 21 and didn't consider my own spending habits, let alone his. I "woke up" first when it hit me that I could not be a SAHM after my first child was born. DH has always liked to spend more than me, but he's now slowly coming around as he is getting older and thinking about wanting to be able to retire someday.

Um ditto, only I was 20 and DH turned 20 two days before we were married. I was pregnant with daughter #1.

[asmom]

Originally Posted by pearlieq

Would you be surprised to know that women feel the same way? I'm not sure it's even a gender issue--just the natural human inclination to wonder about the path not taken.

Sometimes I look out my window and think about what my fabulous, footloose and fancy-free life would have been like. High powered job, adorable place of my own in a hip city neighborhood, an endless supply of stylish clothes, and dashing men whose laundry I'd never have to deal with.

We have our own yearnings about adventure and self-possesion. There's a reason why Sex and the City was such a popular TV show!

[disneynutt]

I knew what I was getting into when DH and I got married a few months ago. We've been together for 10 years and we've both made our share of financial mistakes. The only thing we can do now is move forward and learn how to not make those same mistakes again. We're working on it, and doing ok, but it's a slow road. Moreso since we're helping my parents get out of a hole they've been in because my father was sick for a while this past year.

[Ima saver]

My dh did not have much money, but he has always been the hardest working man that I have ever seen. He worked til noon today and has been out side now for seven hours working on the yard.

[shengmei]

We were both very young when we got married, and our spending habits had considerably changed in the one year we had been married.

I believe my hubby was a responsible man, but he did once extremely shock me by throwing away a $200 set of watercolor pencils. I think he had repeatedly apologized for that incident. With his credentials and work ethics, he could probably become one of those millionaires......so I think earning potential is more important to me than spending habits, since spending habits can be changed easily (at least in our case).

[Elgin526]

I was aware of DH's money "issues" and decided to marry him anyway! Money problems can be fixed, and DH seemed flexible enough to learn (it's taken longer than I hoped, but he has come around). I've also learned to be more flexible. At first I wanted to be debt free ASAP, DH just balked at that, he doesn't want to do without for as long as it would take to do that. So we are taking a slower road to being debt free. It's either that or fight about money all the time, so I'd rather take it slower and be happy, than be debt free and divorced! We are compantable in every other way, so I feel it's worth the effort.