Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

[trillium]

Saw alot of friends and siblings mentioned...but how would you handle this situation when it is your mother?

We've been alienated for quite a few years. When I got the current job I have and after my grandmother (her mother) passed, not a week goes by that she doesn't not call me and skirt around asking me to buy a "luxury" ... her cd player died, her TV died, a vcr is on the fritz.

Is there some unwritten rule that because I'm her blood (understand this woman didn't raise me, my grandmother did) that I have to feel obligated to take care of her wants and needs?

She seems to think so, but for some reason I feel no remorse about denying her what she asks for.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Trillium, you are probably doing the right thing. Something that I did that made someone stop bugging me for $$$ was to give a loan and then REMIND shortly afterward for it to be paid back. I had no idea that was going to stop her asking, but it did. Previous to that I had given her cash gifts and smalll loans, some of which I forgave, some of which were so small that she was able to quickly repay. But after giving the big loan and asking for repayment--well she has repayed some, and has not asked for any more. Previous to the big loan she would ask for a little one very frequently. I like having the break from her requests, even at the cost of the loss most of that loan. I'm sure it is no bigger a loss than I wouldn have forgiven on multiple smaller ones anyway....So maybe you could tell your mother you will loan her money instead? Having your own mother try to exploit you must be maddening.

[Broken Arrow]

Originally Posted by trillium

Is there some unwritten rule that because I'm her blood (understand this woman didn't raise me, my grandmother did) that I have to feel obligated to take care of her wants and needs?

She seems to think so, but for some reason I feel no remorse about denying her what she asks for.

I'm tempted to say no, but it really depends on your cultural background. If you're Asian, for example, I suspect filial piety would carry a much heavier clout than it would be for Westerners.

Still, your mother is an adult, and so are you. If you refuse (and personally, I would too), then it's your right to do so. Especially for stuff that she doesn't really need....

[Elgin526]

Originally Posted by trillium

Saw alot of friends and siblings mentioned...but how would you handle this situation when it is your mother?

We've been alienated for quite a few years. When I got the current job I have and after my grandmother (her mother) passed, not a week goes by that she doesn't not call me and skirt around asking me to buy a "luxury" ... her cd player died, her TV died, a vcr is on the fritz.

Is there some unwritten rule that because I'm her blood (understand this woman didn't raise me, my grandmother did) that I have to feel obligated to take care of her wants and needs?

She seems to think so, but for some reason I feel no remorse about denying her what she asks for.

And you shouldn't! Help out a parent when they are down on their luck by no fault of their own, sure, and I'd look down upon a person that didn't help in that instance. But for a parent that just foolishly wastes money, refuses to work, etc. then I say the kids have no obligation to help. You are free and clear, as far as I'm concerned!

[QueenOphelia]

Originally Posted by scfr

... and let me ask the question another way ... If you were ever at a point in your life where you could have used a "personal finance intervention," what would have been most helpful for you? What could the person doing the intervening have done to improve the odds of success?

Great topic.

I used to be a spendthrift. eBay was my best friend. At the time I was making well over six figures but not saving nearly what I should have been. (about 10% of my salary).

My family would make little comments about the stuff I would buy or the money I would p*ss away in Vegas but they knew I could afford it. My day of reckoning came when I learned I would lose my job due to downsizing. I was given a years notice and a very generous severance package but I wouldn't have my cushy job any longer. I had around 50k in savings and around 200k in 401k so i was in good shape with savings. It was CC debt that was out of control.

So...my very concerned Mom asked how I was financially and I lied. I had around 15k in credit card debt that I needed to clear out. I refinanced my coop and paid off the CC debt. My car loan was paid off after I received my final severance pay-out.

I found a job fairly quickly (two months) at the same salary but absolutley hated it. I lasted 10 months and left to enjoy my second summer off in a row. In fall 2005 i found another job after 3 months at around 2/3 of what I was making and loved it. I learned to live within my salary. No more eBay. No more Vegas jaunts. I felt reborn...it was beautiful.

The end of the story is I was headhunted last fall into my dream job. I have been working for almost 4 months at one of the major broadcast tv networks. Great bennys and probably the most secure a job can be in the year 2007.

The whole downsizing thing was a blessing in disguise. I was able to pad my savings to a really comfortable amount but more importantly I got out of debt and learned how to survive on less money. And....I save more now than I did when I was making more money.

[scfr]

Trillium - ouch, I can almost feel your pain even tho' I can't really know what it must feel like to keep telling your own mother no. At least my sister was asking for something I could wrap my brain around (putting a suffering animal out of it's misery) and not an unnecessary trinket.

It's sounds like your grandma was probably giving your mom money anytime she asked for it (enabling her, as Dr. Phil would say).

I have no advice to offer except to say that you absolutely have no obligation to give your mother money for the kinds of things she is asking for.

I will let you know if I get any response from my sister to the letter I will send her.

[Gruntina]

There is a saying " The teacher shows up when the student is ready" I happen to find that is true often.

[Snoopy2645]

Thats a great saying the only people I have ever helped are ones who wanted to be helped. And thats really only my mom & one friend my mom was single for the first time in her life & no job & I got her into rebates & coupons & stuff. And I have a friend who is very tight anyways & is on welfare so I showed her how to coupon & do rebates & she is saving a ton of money & very thankful for it.

But I have tried to help others who had no interest in being helped so it didnt work.

[lrjohnson]

Originally Posted by Joan.of.the.Arch

I do not think living within one's means is simply a matter of knowlege, so I cannot just give a list to someone and expect it to be done. I'd expect a surprise intervention to be met with anger, embarrassment, and resentment.

I think your intention is good, scfr. But I agree this is a really tricky area. Many people drink too much, have debt, weight too much, smoke, etc. even though most of us know the basics of eating right, not spending what we don't have, etc. (We may not be savvy on the details, but we aren't oblivious.) We have other reasons we are continuing to have problems. She may welcome to tools, but she may be completely in denial. Be prepared.

[LuxLiving]

Let us know how this works out scfr!

Here's another relevent book that is just now coming out:
Women & Money by Suze Orman

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Money-Ow...e=UTF8&s=books

*thanks to rduell for letting us know about it over on her blog!

[PauletteGoddard]

By "intervention" I mean sitting down with a person you love, explaining that you are very concerned about how they are handling their finances and what this means to their future, and then offering to work with them to help them get their finances on track and teach them some of what you have learned about managing money and planning for the future?

I've been the subject of one financial intervention. I've hinted to friends that I may need another but they're not taking the bait. Maybe they don't love me.

[scfr]

Here's an update: I realized that what seemed like a major crisis to me (not having enough cash on hand to have your beloved cat put down) probably did not seem that way to my sister, because apparently she's been living that way for all of her adult life. [I knew she was not doing the best job managing her finances, but had no idea how bad it was until the "cat incident."] I knew I needed to chill out a bit and approach my sister calmly and rationally, be patient, and wait for just the right moment (without waiting too long of course).

This is what has happened so far. When I was in Costco recently, they were selling Suze Orman's new book "Women & Money." Some of you mentioned that this might be a good book to give my sis, and I had seen Suze's show on PBS and was really impressed. [I liked Suze okay but have not been a huge fan until now.] I picked up the book and leafed through it and really liked what I was seeing; thought it might really help my sister. Usually I check books out from the library rather than buying, but I saw an opportunity to buy the book, read it, then pass it on to my sister, casually saying "I am finished with the book and thought you might enjoy it." I figured that would be much less threatening than telling her I bought the book because I thought she needed it!

Then ... talk about good fortune ... I saw in the paper that Suze is going to be giving 3 presentations in the area where I live next week (2 are free, one is $5)!!!

I called my sister, told her about the presentations and how much I am learning from the book, told her I had planned to pass the book on to her, and asked her if she wanted to go to the presentation with me.

She responded very positively, said she was very interested in the book, wants to go to the presentation, and said she is going to invite a friend to join us who she thought could learn something too.

So, I have a date with my sis and her friend to go see Suze! I feel so good about this. I know that there is no guarantee my sister is going to change as a result of this, but I feel this is her best chance!

I must finish reading the book this weekend so I can pass it on to my sister when I see her.

Thanks to all of you for your support, suggestions, and encouragement. I will keep you posted.

[kealina]

that's great... hopefully she is ready to learn... if not, at least you tried and there isn't much else you can do...

[scfr]

Well, due to weather & work issues, we missed Suze's talk, but sister called me TWICE today about Suze's book. She says she is signing up for the TD Ameritrade Account, and is going to sign up for her retirement plan at work. She is even talking about moving to a less expensive apartment even tho it will mean a longer bus ride to work and she actually used the word "budget" in our conversation for the very first time. Holy cow.

I was positive in my responses but stayed calm and casual, tho' mentally I was doing backflips and screaming yeah!

I think the reason she is so ready to learn now is a combination of:
- The lack of funds to pay for the cat / embarrasment of having to ask me for the money
- Suze's excellent book coming out --- Bless you Suze!
- Sis being in a serious relationship for the first time in quite awhile
- My encouragement --- Big thanks to all of you for your help!

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Even I feel excited for her!

[scfr]

I'm bringing up this very old thread to say THANK YOU to everyone who offered their support and great suggestions. I just did an update on this situation my blog, for anyone who is interested:

Older Sister Update: Scfr's Personal Finance Blog

[aida2003]

That's wonderful that your sis is ready to being helped.
Wonderful job on your part! You gave her a chance to keep control of her life just by giving a book and passing some useful tips (like TP or sending a link about America's saving week). If she hadn't been ready and you had intervened instead (like becoming her budget guy), there could have been much worse consequences in your relationship.

Let's keep fingers crossed she doesn't give up in a month or even in a year.

I like reading such success stories

[brokeneagle]

Let me ask everyone this question: Am I doing the right thing? See below:

Throughout their adult lives my parents have exhibited very little, if any, financial responsibility. I could list things that would blow your mind.

They now find them in yet another financial crisis and have been borrowing from Peter to pay Paul for the last 6 months. All the while they have car payment on a 2004 truck which combined with insurance and gas, equates to about $900 per month. The truck got re-po'd a few months ago and I, along with three or four other folks, "loaned" them the money to get it back. I told them at that point that until they sell the truck, the very thing that is sinking them to the bottom, I refused to help any more and walked out of their house. Seriously, I kicked in $500 that I didnt have to spare to help. Other people have paid their cell phone bill, their gas bill, their electric bill.

I got a call this morning being asked for another $100 to help a couple of checks from bouncing. Eventhough half of my heart was urging me to say YES since I could afford to do it...I said no. Now I have a pit in my stomach.

My thought is this: As long as they continue to try and hang onto that truck and carry a cell phone, I refuse to help. As much as I want to help them, I simply can't bring myself to bail them out again. I am also trying to get my sister to take this approach but she keeps caving in.

Am I doing the right thing in refusing to help?

This is my parents we're talking about. Eventually I KNOW that I'll get a call from them saying they have been kicked out of the house they're renting and living out of the truck. Try to imagine getting phone calls from your parents begging for money. If this were a friend, I would have said no to him months ago and probably slapped some sense into him.

Thanks,

BrokenEagle

[scfr]

Sorry to hear about that, BrokenEagle. What a tough situation.

For what it's worth, yes, I think you did the right thing. But I don't imagine your parents feel the same way.

Have you tried offering to help by assisting them in getting their car sold? That's probably what I would do.