Getting your SO involved

trillium · #1 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 12:20 PM

Hi! Posted in the intro thread and while posting came up with a question.

I am very excited about trying to become debt free. While I've been a reader and listener of Dave Ramsey for awhile, I decided to jump on the band wagon finally and take control of my debt, and with it, my life.

Money has always been a tough thing for me, and I cant understand how I have let something as material as the greenback take such emotional control of my life. So I've taken the steps to try and take care of this.

My DH (dont get me wrong, love him to death) looks at the budgets I do, looks at my savings ideas, looks at what I've committed to paper as to what I want to do, and I feel like I'm getting the blank stare treatment. He's from the "just doesn't get it" school of thought...

I feel that if I cant get him as "into it" as I am, we are doomed for failure. Anyone have any ideas on how to get his eyes to open to how important this is to me?

thanks
-trill

Aleta · #2 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 12:29 PM

If you are the one doing all the bookkeeping and he has no problems with it, you have a better chance of getting started. My husband is the same. I'll show ideas to him and he just has no opinion about it. He doesn't keep up with the money that he spends. Since you can't do anything about their spending habits; you can only work on what you can do. Regardless of who is in the picture, you are responsible for taking care of what you can. You could try talking to him and working out a plan where maybe he has so much to spend and show him what you're willing to do also to reduce debt. Some people just don't get it. I can tell you that if it wasn't for what I do with the money, I don't know where my husband would be financially. It's not that I'm a genius or that we are rich. It's because I have taken it upon myself to do the charts, find good CD rates, check ot retirement savings plans, etc. He has no interest in it AT ALL.
So, do what you can and make it your prority. Maybe he'll catch on eventually.

Ima saver · #3 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 12:48 PM

My husband is not interested either, and he lets me handle everything. Fortunately, he never buys anything for himself without telling me first.I find the best way is to give him an allowance of $60 a week (he buys his gas) and i handle the rest of the money. I decide how much to have in savings, mutual funds, stocks, ira's , etc.
He is not that interested, but he is very happy that I have been able to pay off all our debts and save quite a bit!

Broken Arrow · #4 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 12:51 PM

Quote:

My DH (dont get me wrong, love him to death) looks at the budgets I do, looks at my savings ideas, looks at what I've committed to paper as to what I want to do, and I feel like I'm getting the blank stare treatment. He's from the "just doesn't get it" school of thought...

The deer caught in the headlight look?

Yes, that really is quite the challenge, isn't it? Convincing your spouse to be on board....

I'm not really sure what the answer is, but I don't think they need to be completely on board. They just have to agree to go along with it. In return, you could always throw them a bone in the form of a small allowance for them to spend in whatever they want. That way, they won't resent you for not (eventually) getting what they want, and would be more willing to let you manage all of the money.

Ima saver · #5 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 12:53 PM

My husband just does not have enough time to worry about money, he works all the time. He does know that if there is something he really wants, he can have it. Most of his wants are tools, and that just makes him more money.

nanamom · #6 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 12:59 PM

My DH does known of the budgeting savings at our house. He listens politely but is apt to say "I don't know you'd know more about what we can do there" So I do it. Having a DH who isn't involved is not nearly as bad as having one who sabatoges you either on purpose or inadvertantly. Keep telling him but do it in small doses so he isn't overwhelmed.

bjl584 · #7 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 01:00 PM

I am single, so this isn't an issue for me.

PrincessPerky · #8 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 01:27 PM

Well how long were you listening to Dave Ramsey before you took charge of your own finances yourself? it wasn't overnight for you, it wont be for him either...

But to speed things up, try talking to him

not neccessarily about hte whole budget, but about one part, or about why you want out of debt, leave it at talking, no aim ot convince him of all his ( and your) prior sins, just talk....kinda like talk radio, only you can tell when he is catching on....

For my husband, well he is one who comes up with the math of why one idea is cheaper than another, but as to day to day practice..he needs encouragement, (and so do I , I get it here, he gets it from me) Anyway I found the areas he is most interested in for him to 'look into' and focused on me.

So long as he is not sabotaging you (using the CC behind your back, or in front of you) you can pretty much assume he is on the right road. and one thing I always tell myself, I didn't go from zero to 60 the wrong way in a second, I wont slow down that fast either (and you know how much cars complain when you slam on the brakes...slow gradual change is best - for me)

REgardless, welcome to the club

JanH · #9 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 01:28 PM

Eventually, when you are far enough along to be able to achieve something he wants (mine wants a new fence), he just might get what you are doing. I'm lucky that mine works with budgets at work, so he's willing to support my struggles. But my thinking is, if what you are doing eventually helps him in his dreams and wants, he just might jump on board. Til then, you have us to talk to about it!

Coleroo · #10 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 02:21 PM

My hubby doesnt care either. He's just not into all of the "administrative" work that comes along with managing the household. It took the first few months of me being completely frustrated with him before I realized thats what our marriage is about - us coming together to complement and complete each other with abilities that the other doesnt have. I am good at managing finances (the crunching, onlining, and paperwork!) than he is - yet he is better at controling his spending urges and peripheral saving (turning off lights, keeping water and electric down, no movies, etc) than I am!

We use to fight because I felt he didnt "care" about our marriage if he didnt get down and dirty with me in the number crunching. He could care less about knowing the "whats" and "whys" of how our bank accounts look daily (while Im a "gotta know now" freak). I use to think he *should* want to do everything I do and its unfair, blah blah blah - until I realized (and came to terms with) the fact that he is just not built to want to do the administrative side right now and by me badgering him, he will only move further away.

Now, Im quite content to manage the daily "number crunching" as long as he sticks to his guidelines he's comfortable with - he gets his weekly cash allowance for lunch / spending, thinks of new ways to save, he never puts anything on credit, etc. Since I've come to terms with this, he has come into his own also and now conciously *checks in* with me to make sure we have enough cash flow to cover all our payments... he's in charge of all utilities (phone, water, lights) so he checks in with those to let me know when the due date is so I can ensure we have the cash flow..

Also, since I am no longer an angry hound about his participation in managing our account balances and cashflow budget, he has started to ask questions and realize that there are things he needs to know how to do if something happens to me one day (i.e. oh gosh, where does this mortgage payment go to again?!) ..

I found that once MY perspective on his participation changed, everything because peaceful - and our marriage became a lot more balanced and happy.

Ima saver · #11 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 03:50 PM

I think that is the key, balance. My husband handles so many things that I enjoy handling the money, the bill paying and the investing.

zetta · #12 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 05:57 PM

My DH isn't as into it as I am, either. He often teases me that I have an "anxiety attack" after every large purchace (new furniture, cars, kitchen remodelling, etc.) The spending wasn't a problem when we had 2 incomes, but now that I'm a SAHM, we have to make some tradeoffs between day-to-day spending and having money for bigger items like vacations.

In December I subscribed to www.mvelopes.com and started tracking all our purchases in their envelope system. Every time DH mentions a big item he'd like to purchase (laptop, vacation, etc.), I add a new envelope for it (for instance, "Goal: laptop"), and when possible add a monthly contribution to it to the spending plan. He started teasing that me that he was getting beaten up by Mvelopes (because I would say we can't buy a new laptop because there's not enough money in the envelope yet). I really found that I was juggling all the balances without him really being involved.

So I asked him to sit down with me twice a month (at the mid-point and the end) and see how we're doing. So far we've only had one mid-month review, but I felt it went really well. I print out the current envelope balances and the monthly spending plan. At mid-month I ask for his input on the envelopes that have gone red (overspent) -- he helps decide which envelope should we transfer from (and cut back on for the rest of the month). At the end of the month, I'll ask him to where he'd like to sweep any unspent funds (for instance that laptop envelope). We each have a "free spend" envelope as well, and I always ask before I commit a purchase to his envelope. We don't go over each envelope individually, only the ones that need action. Like I said, we just started this, so I'm hoping it will help us communicate better about finances.

markio26 · #13 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 08:19 PM

i handle all the decisions on the money... spouse doesn't want any part of it.... i check out all our bills online, and investments online... every two days or so,,, one of our cc companies made an error back in october of last year, and i am still trying to get it corrected... they said i had 90 days to report it... i never received an estatement or snail mail bill for 3 months... and yet my bank paid them the assigned regular auto payment like jeffrey had told us to do like clockwork... same payment every month,,,, i over paid $177 a month... the mistake for them was they booted me from a 3.99% for the life of the loan to a 13.99% saying when i called them, it was for a year... let me tell you it was made in 2005.... that was 2 yrs ago and plus... anyway, i figured it out and i think they owe me $310 credit... needless to say, i complained and they are taking 12 days to reply to me by mail... anywho, i transferred out for 4.99% life of loan, with a $99 fee! paid off the troubled account... their mistake cost me about $410... hate credit cards now.... they make mistakes and have a hard time admitting it sometimes too..... enough rant....

trillium · #14 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 08:21 PM

I like the mvelopes idea. The whole envelope thing is new to me personally, but I remember growing up watching my grandmother do the very same thing. She'd deposit her paycheck, write the checks for the bills (she didn't believe in credit cards or atms), withdraw a certain amount of cash to live on for the week (grocery and other needs), and track her entire balance on the envelope she kept in her purse. Any extra money in the envelope at the end of the week and she'd put the money back into the bank with her next paycheck deposit. Rinse and repeat. If we'd only had been taught by our ancestors how to manage money!

I'm the crazy one in the family.. I know I didn't subscribe to the whole budget thing over night, nor did I jump on the band wagon of zero-budget, etc. Perhaps I expect to much, yet he proposes wild ideas of what we can do with all that extra $$$ when we get there. I've tried to explain to him what we will do with it (save! save! save!) - but I get the proverbial (no pun intended) dear in the headlights look....

JanH · #15 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 10:03 PM

Maybe you can show him that you can use a certain portion for one of his wants, then save the rest without touching it. Then start the saving process over again until he has enough for a second want and you can put a proportion into savings. That way you both get what you need from the process. What we are doing right now is alternating in our priorities. We are on one of his top priorities (the fence) at this time. Then I need a new front door. My brother and sisterinlaw do this and it works for them.

PRICEPLUS · #16 (**permalink**) 01-25-2007, 10:48 PM

I try to get my DW to participate but she is very resistant. I have to struggle with the finances sometimes. She is clipping coupons and she is being very good of late with her spending. I'll keeo trying to get her more involved with budgeting but it is a task!

tinapbeana · #17 (**permalink**) 01-26-2007, 05:48 AM

dh doesn't want to be involved in the financial 'nuts and bolts', he's bad at it, says as much, and gladly handed the duties over to me even before we were married.

with that said, he has the hardest time grasping that just because there's money in the savings account doesn't mean we have money just lying around waiting for us to spend it. i explain X is for taxes & insurance, he gets that. it's the other categories that tempt him. Y is for gifts and Christmas ("well, couldn't this thingy i want be a gift?"). Z is for household expenses ("the tool i'm looking at would be used for the house!"). argh....

zetta · #18 (**permalink**) 01-26-2007, 08:22 AM

I've always wondered if keeping his "fun money" in its own checking account would be a solution for that...or would he still see the money in the "household and savings" account as fair game?

tinapbeana · #19 (**permalink**) 01-26-2007, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zetta

I've always wondered if keeping his "fun money" in its own checking account would be a solution for that...or would he still see the money in the "household and savings" account as fair game?

we actually already use that system: we both get an allowance and his gets direct deposited into his checking account and i pull my allowance out in cash. household money stays in my checking account, savings goes into the online savings account. so, in our world, he has a debit card for his money, i have cash for my money, and the house has the almighty checkbook for it's money

even with that, he still sees the money in savings as "money just waiting to be spent".

Broken Arrow · #20 (**permalink**) 01-26-2007, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zetta

I've always wondered if keeping his "fun money" in its own checking account would be a solution for that...or would he still see the money in the "household and savings" account as fair game?

In a household where one person is managing all of the money, I highly recommend that system. That is, assuming that both parties agrees for one to manage everything. In which case, the only thing that needs to be worked out is how much "fun money" the other person gets. In return, that person has to agree to surrender his or her paycheck to you. But that person also won't have to worry about paying the bills or anything. Just an allowance to do whatever they please.

It won't work for everybody, but it's an option that's worth considering.