ethical problem

starving_student · #1 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 02:42 PM

A friend of mine moved about 1 1/2 - 2 years ago. She packed all her belongings in her car. She didn't have much room so she left me one valuable item that I was to keep until she came back (she was due to visit 6 months later but cancelled her trip at the last minute). She betrayed me, lied to me and I ended up badly hurt (unrelated story). I haven't been in contact with her at all for at least one year now. She emailed months ago, saying that I could ship the item and she will pay me back, I didn't know how to react at that time so I did nothing. She haven't emailed, phone or else about the item since (except only that one time).

The thing is in my shed and is sort of an emotional weight. I could probably get about 35-40$ for it if I were to sold it on ebay but its emotional value for her is probably more.

If I ship it that will be at my expense and I have little hope of getting my money back. She did't seem to care that much about the item in the first place as she was willing to leave it behind, and hasn't been insisting that much about getting it back (except for this one email).

I already gave up on her friendship so this is not at stake here.

What would you do?

cschin4 · #2 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 02:49 PM

Just ship it to her and move on with your life. Don't keep things that you are emotionally attached to if it makes you "stuck". Ship it at your expense and move on. Count the cost as a "life lesson".

Ima saver · #3 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 02:51 PM

I agree with cschin4, ship it to her.!

mom-from-missouri · #4 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 02:59 PM

Ditto from me. Let her know you are big enough to act like it doesn't bother you. If she does reimburse you, thats a plus.
But, I would ship it the cheapest way, get a return receipt and all--just incase she later claims you kept it.

pearlieq · #5 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 03:02 PM

Require her to pre-pay for the shipping or ship it COD.

No need to ignore her or sell it to settle an emotional betrayal, but there's nothing wrong with having money in hand before you ship.

disneysteve · #6 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 03:02 PM

I agree with everyone else. No matter what became of your friendship, she left it with you with the understanding that you would return it. It isn't yours to sell or keep.

LuxLiving · #7 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 03:04 PM

Can you send it COD? Is there even such a thing any more?

Broken Arrow · #8 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 03:41 PM

Ship it, but COD sounds good.

krayziebone33 · #9 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cschin4

Just ship it to her and move on with your life. Don't keep things that you are emotionally attached to if it makes you "stuck". Ship it at your expense and move on. Count the cost as a "life lesson".

I agree

boefixepa · #10 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 04:01 PM

COD all the way. If it comes back you did your part, she already said she would pay for it, so let her do it COD to make sure you are not out that cost too. I'd also send an email so she know the COD is coming.

scfr · #11 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 07:27 PM

I vote for asking her to prepay the shipping cost (I believe the USPS Web Site has an on-line postage calculator) or shipping COD. I agree with everyone who has said it isn't yours to sell since you agreed to keep it for her. However, you have the right to free yourself of the emotional weight and I don't think you should be stuck with the shipping cost.

cptacek · #12 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 07:42 PM

I had a similar situation. I had a boyfriend that moved across the country that stored some stuff in an extra bedroom I had. Some stuff from high school, a washer and dryer, random crap, really. We broke up 4 months later. Well, he said he would come get it. And backed out. And then said he would come get it. And backed out. Repeat four more times, for 6 more months.

Well, finally, he did come get it, and he let me sell the washer and dryer for keeping it unburned, off the front lawn, and relatively safe. Although, the washer and dryer wouldn't have burned very well anyway.

I would tell the ex-friend to come get it or pay for shipping up front. You've already put up with having it in your garage for so long. You shouldn't have to deal with shipping it. And give her a deadline, so you can eventually just throw it out when she never shows up.

poundwise · #13 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 08:04 PM

I wouldn't do anything with it until she sends you enough money to cover packing, shipping, and perhaps even your time. Period.

I'm not suggesting that you hold it for ransom or be vengeful here, just put the ball in her court. If she wants the item, the least she can do is pay the freight.

I think shipping it to her and expecting or hoping to be paid back is (a) setting yourself up for more hurt and (b) enabling her own irresponsible and/or bad behavior.

I don't think its too much to ask people to do normal, responsible stuff.

PRICEPLUS · #14 (**permalink**) 01-15-2007, 08:32 PM

I concur with poundwise. You were decent enough to store it. She can be decent enough to send the funds to have it shipped!

Lori63 · #15 (**permalink**) 01-16-2007, 03:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PRICEPLUS

I concur with poundwise. You were decent enough to store it. She can be decent enough to send the funds to have it shipped!

Ditto!

PrincessPerky · #16 (**permalink**) 01-16-2007, 09:26 AM

Well the right thing would be for her to be decent enough to pay for shipping..but you don't get to control her, I would try COD if possible, but failing that, ship it to her last known address and chalk it up to a life lesson. waiting for her to do the right thing will just keep it on your mind longer.

fairy74 · #17 (**permalink**) 01-16-2007, 11:19 AM

find out how much it will be to ship it, email her the amount, she sends the money she gets the item, if not, not.

cschin4 · #18 (**permalink**) 01-16-2007, 01:56 PM

Yes, you can go the COD route, email the cost, etc. But, really, what will that accomplish other than keep you as a pawn in this 'relationship" that you no longer want and you said was hurtful. You can hold onto it, wait until you "get payment" or whatever. More than likely this person doesn't even really care about it if it has been over a year. How much would it cost to ship this? A few dollars, so what? You probably spend that on a cup of coffee. Move on.

starving_student · #19 (**permalink**) 01-16-2007, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cschin4

Yes, you can go the COD route, email the cost, etc. But, really, what will that accomplish other than keep you as a pawn in this 'relationship" that you no longer want and you said was hurtful. You can hold onto it, wait until you "get payment" or whatever. More than likely this person doesn't even really care about it if it has been over a year. How much would it cost to ship this? A few dollars, so what? You probably spend that on a cup of coffee. Move on.

Well the problem is that I currently do not have any adress for her. She didn't leave any when she left (she was moving in with a friend and that was a temporary situation). I tried to search on the Website of the University she was supposed to study at with no sucess. I googled her with no sucess whatsoever.

So the item (a piece of art) is not so much as stake, as the fact that I would have to renew the whole conversation back (after... well over a year). I still have the same phone number & email, if she would have wished to contact me she could have done it easily.

Even in the email were she said: "ship it I will pay you back", she didn't give her adress (?!?!?!). Partly why I didn't send it at that time (what was she thinking?).

So as it as been a year, should I let sleeping dog lie and get rid of that thing one way or another. Or do I have an obligation to contact her and make the effort to send it wether it is at my expense or not? Or am I just worrying too much about little meaningless details?

starving_student · #20 (**permalink**) 01-16-2007, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starving_student

So the item (a piece of art) is not so much as stake,

?

Meaning that I care myself little about it and the money I could get from it (while welcome) is not all that important.

Thanks for all your inputs! It is great to see things from a different perspective!