Finally, a turning point

[neatdesign]

Last night, something happened when I got home from work which I think -- or hope, anyway -- will be the turning point I've been looking for in my financial relationship with my husband.

In another thread last month, I described how Mark seems to sabotage our budget; actually, his spending habits make it hard to HAVE a budget. To understand what I've been dealing with, please read post #14 in THIS THREAD. Bear in mind that we have about $28k in total debt at the moment.

So yesterday, I came home from work to find Mark sitting in front of the TV playing a video game. I asked him which game he was playing and he said, "Zelda." Now, he had been talking about this new Zelda video game that came out last month, but I told him it was too expensive ($50), that we had too many other expenses to worry about. So I thought at first that maybe it was an older version that he had brought out and dusted off. But then he gave me this guilty look. So I asked him where the game had come from, and he said he had bought it after work at Best Buy. I got so angry that I said if he knew what was best for him, he would leave me alone and not talk to me!

I haven't been that angry in a long time. I was literally shaking. Since we live in a one bedroom apartment, there is little privacy, so I went out and sat in my car. Boy, did I curse up a storm!! I started thinking about all the things that that $50 could have been better spent on -- a week's worth of groceries, arthritis meds for our dog, two months' worth of water bill payments, etc. What I really wanted to scream at him was, "YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!"

Well, I eventually calmed down and went back inside. To my surprise, instead of getting defensive (as he's prone to do when we argue), Mark took full responsibility, said it was a mistake and apologized. He even offered to sell the game on eBay. What really struck me, though, was when he admitted that as he was waiting in line to buy it, he thought to himself, "Jenney's going to be SO mad at me" -- but he bought it anyway. As he told me this, I could tell that he was really listening to what he was saying, and realized just how he disrespectful had been to me and our relationship.

The good news is that this is the wake-up call Mark needed, the one I was waiting for and which I couldn't provide him no matter how much I tried. He felt sincerely sorry for it, and owned up to the fact that he doesn't spend wisely. He agreed when I told him that he needs to better differentiate between NEEDS and WANTS. Just because he's been buying $10/issue "Retro Gamer" magazine for the past 12 years, that doesn't mean that he NEEDS to buy it. Same goes for the $2/day he spends on chocolate bars at work.

Mark has agreed to stop spending so much money on frivolous things. We're going to create a list of what he tends to spend/waste money on, and decide what can stay and what can go. I don't think eliminating all "fun money" is a good idea, but he's got to decide what matters most to him. He knows that just by cutting out the $2 chocolate bars, he can afford to buy the magazines he wants to have each month. And he's agreed to be more proactive about reviewing our bank account and overall expenses.

For the first time in a very long time, I feel like there is finally light at the end of this tunnel. I'm so happy! I told Mark that "Zelda" was his "last supper" of sorts -- he'd better enjoy it, because it's going to be a while before he can just buy stuff like that again willy-nilly!

~ Jenney

[Broken Arrow]

Heheh. Way to get him on board.

Yes, I agree that's not a good idea to eliminate all of his fun money, but the wanton spending needs to be better controlled.

On the other hand, It IS Zelda. I'll bet it's Twilight Princess too. MMmm. A very hot game right now. It's actually being sold out for the GameCube of all things! So, as an ex-gamer of sorts, I can understand....

Um, what I mean is, what do you think of the idea that he be removed from all or nearly all access to money except for the cash allowance that you will give him? That way, the only money he can blow is whatever is in his wallet.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I have it and the Wii and haven't gotten around to playing it and neither has DH. We should have given the Wii to my nephews. Sigh, if I could pry it out of my DH's hands.

[Ima saver]

I guess I am so lucky that my husband does not know anything about computers. But that being said,my husband has never been the kind that could sit down and play a game. He works all the time. I guess I am lucky!

[disneysteve]

I think it's great that he seems to be getting the message. You're absolutely right that you shouldn't cut out all the fun spending. All of use could save more and pay off debt quicker if we never did anything fun and never bought any "wants" but we'd all be miserable. Even when you are in debt, I still think you need to budget in some fun stuff.

If he's willing to stick with an allowance, that's great. If not, then you two should come to an agreement that he can't spend more than a set amount on something without consulting you - maybe $20-$25. That wouldn't eliminate all frivoulous stuff, but it would reduce it.

Good luck.

[Ima saver]

Yes, I think we should all have a weekly allowance and spent it the way we want to.

[neatdesign]

I told Mark about this thread and the responses it got, and he feels a little bit vindicated because of the "It IS Zelda" attitude! (And yes, it's Twilight Princess, on GameCube.) We got a laugh out of it, but he knows that after this he can't just buy any old video game he wants without talking with me about it first.

What I'm hoping is that Mark sees this as a challenge and an opportunity to move in the right direction financially, not as a ball and chain. Time will tell!

~ Jenney

[jodi]

Ditto on the allowances. That's how my former spendthrift hubby started after we decided to buckle down. He got his allowance to spend, no strings attached. Eventually we stopped it after he realized that most of the things he bought, he really didn't want. My best to you both for a similarly happy ending - sounds like you are on the right path!

[LuxLiving]

Go over the budget monthly with him. Even if he rolls his eyes at first. Let him see you are shooting towards having MORE fun money for both of you eventually.

It's my belief that each partner in a marriage should have some fun or blow money that they can just spend any which o'way w/o a peep from the other - w/i limits --- IF the cost of maintaining same does not spill over onto the household budget.

No buying electronic equipment that literally sucks the lifeblood out of the utility category w/o prior agreement w/spousal personage in charge of bookkeeping! No buying a boat that required insurance, harbor fees, gasoline, etc. UNLESS said boat can be kept up on the allowance as well or the household budget will be adjusted to carry maintenance and upkeep.

Unfortunately for us our allowances aren't THAT generous so we've never had to combat this type of issue, but some w/larger incomes could conceivably save enough to make such expenditures!

I believe that if spouses were more involved in the decision process and aware of some of the challenges of maintaining a budget they'd be less likely to tilt the machine and bring the wrath of book-keeper down on their head!

[cschin4]

Everyone needs some "fun money". If he chooses to save it up and buy video games, then that should be his choice. And, of course, you should have the same privilege. Hopefully, you can both get on board together and agree to something that works for both of you.

[pearlieq]

Good for you for dealing with your anger in a healthy way! I applaud you for keeping you head about you and getting out until you felt more calm.

DH and I have been through some similar things. I really agree with the "pocket money" model. It serves two good functions. First it does reign him in a bit so he's not just mindlessly spending money. I know exactly how much is going out and what he does with it is his business.

The second nice function is that it gives me "permission" to have a little fun myself. Usually the more budget minded spouse will totally forego their own wants to make progress toward the goal. After a while you get burned out and resentful. Having a bit of "fun money" for yourself is a nice indulgence.

Good luck to both of you!

[Broken Arrow]

Originally Posted by neatdesign

I told Mark about this thread and the responses it got, and he feels a little bit vindicated because of the "It IS Zelda" attitude! (And yes, it's Twilight Princess, on GameCube.) We got a laugh out of it, but he knows that after this he can't just buy any old video game he wants without talking with me about it first.

I'm glad you guys got a laugh of out that, because-- as a guy and an ex-gamerholic-- I understand!

Of course, as a reformed ex-spendthrift who has eliminated all but one gaming console (because it was a Christmas gift from the kids), I'm glad he's onboard with you. In the end, it is for the best.

[s.saver]

BA I totally understand. My fiance is a gamer. We are no down to two systems. One old, and one new. Now we have a rule. If you want it you can buy it under two circumsances, One-you buy it used, and Two-You sacrifice something elseto get it. (ex: a trip to blockbuster, or out to eat, or your own fun money)

[PrincessPerky]

Ditto on the congrats to the epiphany for husband

hope he can keep with it, it is hard.

[cschin4]

Did he really "get it" or is he just saying that to appease you?

[Broken Arrow]

Originally Posted by cschin4

Did he really "get it" or is he just saying that to appease you?

Hmm, that's a good question!

Either way, an effective budgeting system that both of you agree on will go a long ways to help maintain a healthy financial lifestyle, regardless of the motive.

[vishenda]

all the best, that should be a good start for this year =)