tips for dealing with a gambler?

[fairy74]

My former roommate (became close friends) is a gambler, has a good government job but up to her neck in bills, 2nd mortgage, etc because she goes on gambling binges (i.e. 10K in a weekend). I have tried to be supportive, helped her set up a budget, helped her find a counselor, etc... I am now out of sympathy and she just called to tell me her car was repo'd this morning...she wants a shoulder to cry on and I want to scream at her about her financial stupidity! Any tips

[markio26]

i have had a few friends like this.. i call it a fatal flaw... barb was an alcoholic, due to an abusive ex husband always talking to her negatively about anything she did.. supper was never okay, he always had to comment on something he did not like she had made, etc... she drank to forget his cruelty.. she has lost everything.. i give her kindness.. she has to improve on her own.. she has been in rehab many times, her daughter is a doctor and she cannot seem to break thru to her..
we have a friend who buys everything and dreams of making money with it, his name is shane.. he just recently bought out the inventory from a hardware store, and stored it in a rental storage... he does stuff like this and just lets it ruin.. he has two homes, full of purchases to sell.. his garages are full.. his wife leaves him and returns when he acts like he will stop this behavior..
we have a friend who gambles wherever she goes, her name is dot... she gambles at the vfw on the tickets, she plays bingo.. she bets on games, all year long.. spending fifty bucks to her is nothing.. she is always asking someone to take her to dinner, or treat her to a movie, or something.. she has been this way as long as we have known her... one time she asked a stranger in line at the grocery to pay for her items...
people with fatal flaws as we call them, have to want to change and help themselves.. they know what they are doing wrong.. they just cannot convince themselves of change...
your friend needs professional help... what does her family do to help her???

[Broken Arrow]

My condolensces.

She's a former roommate right?

I don't know what kind of relation the two of you have, but... only she can save herself. If I was in your shoes, I would probably gently suggest some ways to get her spending under control. However, if I was tired of listening to it, then in the kindest way possible, I would tell her that I no longer wish to be the shoulder she can cry on.

In the end, she's an adult, it's her money, and therefore, it's her business. There's no need to get too worked up over her... especially if she doesn't want to do something about it. (10k in one weekend though. Ouch!)

[Broken Arrow]

Oh and congrats! You got my 1000th post!

(Maybe I need a life.... Nahhh.... )

[fairy74]

thanks for the suggestions:

1. Yes, she is former roommate (rented a house together while in law school) she lives in FL, I now live in CA

2. She's a good friend, but I know deep down it is really not my problem and maybe I need to step away from the situation! It is sad to watch someone with so much potential cut themselves down repeatedly

3. I don't think her family knows, I never would have known either (she hides it well, but I would usually get the mail and finally said something to her) I think her boss knows, he suggested a gamblers anonymous type thing, but she laughed him off.

[Broken Arrow]

It is sad to watch someone with so much potential cut themselves down repeatedly

I know exactly how you feel. My friends are like that too. I do try to sway their thinking sometimes, but in the end, there's isn't much I can do so I try not to let it get to me....

[fairy74]

Congrats on your 1000th post broken arrow-- I haven't been on this site long, but it is addictive in a good sense

[pearlieq]

It's so hard to do, but it's OK if you want to step away from the situation. Just like an alcoholic or drug addict, there is nothing you can do to make them change their behavior. The only way they can change is if THEY want to.

If it's frustrating or unpleasant to listen to her complain about the after-effects of the problem, you are certainly entitled to set some boundaries. You can give her a time limit (10 minutes to discuss her financial problems), tell her you want to avoid the subject of money, or simply avoid hanging out with her.

[greedy4chips]

Once she hits HER rock bottom and not your idea of rock bottom then perhaps she will seek help for her addiction. I am doing a research project for my Sociology class and the Effects of Addictions on the Family. Friends should be included in there since many times friends are the only ones left for some addicts.

You could try the tough love approach of an intervention. Not sure how it works exactly.

Good luck!

[tinapbeana]

Originally Posted by greedy4chips

You could try the tough love approach of an intervention. Not sure how it works exactly.

tough love is hardest (IMO) on those giving it not receiving it, but sometimes it's the only thing that works. it essentially boils down to an ultimatum that the person give up/seek help for a destructive behavior, or they lose something precious: in your case, the friendship. it's hard to stick to, and if someone is still caught up in the mythos of their own addicted world, it won't work. they'll chose the destructive behavior over almost anything.

[HalMd]

I say print this thread and give it too her.

It is hard to even imagine a promising Lawyer having her car repossesed.

[vsjhoc]

Originally Posted by HalMd

It is hard to even imagine a promising Lawyer having her car repossesed.

Lawyers can be just as human as people are. Among all professions, they have the highest rates of depression, alcoholism, and career disatisfaction.

[fairy74]

Thanks for all the thoughts, I have decided to institute a five minute time limit when I talk to her. That way I will not get too bogged down in her morass. I don't want to cut her out totally as she has very few people that she is close to. I am debating printing this thread out and sending it to her....I'll let you know what happens, thanks everyone!

[HalMd]

Originally Posted by vsjhoc

Lawyers can be just as human as people are. Among all professions, they have the highest rates of depression, alcoholism, and career disatisfaction.

You're right. I shouldn't have stereotyped her or Lawyers.

I really wish her well, and I hope she wakes up and realizes all the opportunities available to her.

[Duchesse]

Originally Posted by fairy74

Thanks for all the thoughts, I have decided to institute a five minute time limit when I talk to her. That way I will not get too bogged down in her morass. I don't want to cut her out totally as she has very few people that she is close to. I am debating printing this thread out and sending it to her....I'll let you know what happens, thanks everyone!

This sounds like a good idea but I can almost assure you that she will be insulted that you won't allow her to vent until she is spent.

One of you is going to from this relationship.

[fairy74]

Duchesse:

I think you may be right and I pretty certain it will be me...I've decided to hold fast to the five minute rule as that is the max I have to give, if she needs more, too bad

[Snoopy2645]

Well my dad was the only big gambler I ever knew really but he had lots of friends who also gambled & his cousins also gambled what was sad is how much money he lost you dont want to know of course I dont know exacts but he never got over it he lived a gambler until he died so not sure anything can be done

[fairy74]

Snoopy

I think you're right, unless someone really wants to change and put the work into it won't happen

[tgavin71]

I too agree that you can not help someone who doesn't want to be helped. The only thing you can do is let her know that you will be there for her if she needs it but will not give or loan her money or listen to her sob stories. We had to do this with two family members. It is hard but so is life.

[PRICEPLUS]

I have a friend who is a degenerat egambler. He is quite a character as he borrows from Peter to pay back Paul. Sometimes it is funny but I have to remember that he is sick. Addicted Gamblers will do almost anything to get money for their habit!

Never loan them money and remember You can't "save" them! Tough love is the order of the day! It is their fault NOT yours!