All for one, one for all.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

In all kinds of relationships, we often do things to aid the other person. Sometimes the two involved have very similar ideas about what is obligatory or demanded from the heart, sometimes ideas differ. I realize that growing up I somehow got the idea that when it comes to family, "we're all in it together." So you take care of each other, you bail each other out, you get the back of your brother/sister/mother/father/grandparent. I was ready to extend that to cousins, but even as a child found out that they did not see things that way. I did not see this as a tit-for-tat exchange in which you always repay the other in an equal way. This is more like a three musketeers philosophy: one for all and all for one. Sometimes I would have to be the giver, sometimes the receiver without keeping score.

I know that not everyone looks at relationships this way, but I have always sought out friends who were like this. Some acquaintences I enjoy surely are not like this, and some friends have sometimes really failed me. Maybe I've failed them, too. But I'm conscious that this has been a real value in my life.

A few months ago, I extended myself to someone very much in need, someone very different from me, culturally. It is not monetary help, but it does cut into what I could be earning. It takes a lot of my time and talent. And it will ultimately benefit my friend financially. Now, I have made grand efforts to help someone before, but this time I have been met with the most incredible respect and loyalty. I'm sure it is due to the culture my friend comes from, but I have to say, it makes me have a second look at myself. She percieves such an acute and immediate obligation.

At first we definitely had a culture clash going. My friend felt like she needed to bring me little "mouse gifts," as though to symbolize her desire to repay. However, these mouse gifts were way more value than she had money for. I did not want her to further jeopardize her ability to provide for her own family, and it was that marginal. Over time, I have just kept repeating to her that once she overcomes her present circumstances, then there will be the time and money for indulgences. And believe me, it will be a sweet time.

My friend seemed very uncomfortable not being allowed to re-pay me in the present, but finally, we both came to a common understanding and common symbolism that made sense to us both. We decided that we are sisters. And sisters take care of one another. That's just how it is.

I have no doubt that my new sister will always be there for me.

But anyway, quite often I see stories and problems presented in the forums and logs where there has been a difference of understanding what our personal obligations are. It comes up in money matters. Sometimes we have to lay it out on the table just exactly what each of us thinks, expects, wants, hopes for. Oh, we can just take the risk that the other person is going to faithfully be as considerate of ourselves as of themselves. But it definitely is a risk. And in my case, I took the risk without any discussion beforehand, without even knowing the person well. So now I have 7 sisters and brothers instead of the 6 I had for 40+ years.

Guess I'd like to invite discussion about differences in how people see their obligations to one another. (Too vague?)

[Broken Arrow]

Well, that's why I typically have the rule of, "Give or take, but not lend or borrow" when I deal with other people. That way, I don't have to try to figure out what the other person's expectations are. Perhaps "expectation" is the key word here. I try not to have any if I can help it.

With people closer to me, or make a pact with me in any way, well, that's different. I expect them to follow it through as I will do exactly the same. For me, a word and a handshake is as good as gold. Naturally, not everyone works that way, but then, I don't typically extend those kind of privileges to people whom aren't good for it either. Again, I suppose "expectation" is the key word here.

I don't know. Just rambling.

[JanH]

We have an elderly neighbor that if we do anything for at all--mowing, etc. , bless her heart, she buys us a gift. I think she has just as generous a heart as anyone. But we don't expect her to do that! Our family is definitely there for each other. Not every family has that kind of relationship. Over the years, we have overlooked things from all sides that could have festered but understood that nothing was meant to hurt and that mistakes are made. I'm glad you've been able to extend that to friendships. Not all my friends had my back, then some have been very generous with their friendship. I hope that I can now give without expecting a return, that a return will come back to me in another form. But it can get tough with some people that just don't appreciate you. That is a fine balance that I don't know if I have totally achieved yet.