Question for Singles (Or Those Who Used to Be)

[Fern]

Just curious what your experiences/expectations have been when it comes to who pays on a date.

My general rule of thumb is that when i'm in the early dating stages with someone, i do the traditional thing and allow the man to pay. If i know he makes a lot of $$, i don't usually vary from this, but if i believe his income is more i will chip in for some things.

If i'm in a steady relationship i chip in more on a par roughly equivalent to any disparity in our income, eg 60/40, 50/50 or 70/30.

[Fern]

I meant to say above, if i think is income is less, then i'll chip in...

[boefixepa]

Well, being the traditionalist I am, if the guy asks he pays and he chooses what we are doing, so he can set his own budget for the night. The few times I asked I felt I should pay because how was I to know if he had the money or not...by the way none of those relationships lastet but a few dates...thus my theory that guys should do the asking. As the realtionship developes I am more worried about quality time then what we do. I've never really worried about money as I tend to suggest inexpensive or no cost dates...I'm more interested in the conversation. If they suggest the idea of a more costly date, I feel they intend to pay. If I were suggest an expensive date then I'd be more then willing to help with the cost, but I've always been turned down on the offer to help pay... so go figure.

As far as the relationship I am in now...one month and things are going GREAT! I have not paid for anything, but we have spent quite a few evenings at my house with me fixing dinner and watching movies, as he is a movie buff. Plus my couch is a much more comfy place to watch a movie and flirt than a movie theater!

He's also the 'no debt' type (WOOHOO) and so I don't see him taking things to the extreme just to drop a lot of money. The dates we have gone out on were not overly expensive, just average restaraunts, local plays, visiting with friends and playing games, and such. But all very nice!

[scrava]

I always expect the guy to pay. I'm traditional like that. But, if I actually did the asking out I would be fully prepared to pay for the date (never did this, tho). After a couple of dates, I would always offer to help pay in some way: pay the tip, buy ice cream after the movie, pay for parking, etc.

[Gruntina]

I believe it varies by cities. I notice big cities aka San Francisco, LA... It seems like there is more of equality to the equation when dating than compared to when I lived in Montana where there were more traditional roles. The Bay Area was a complete culture shock when I moved here and took a long time to get used to. Partly there are so many people without greencards and expried visas.

[meaghanchan]

I let him pay for the first couple dates and when I was unemployed (he made it clear to me during that period that he would pay for everything). Otherwise I think it's been about 50/50... To me, the traditional reasons that men pay for dates (men work-women don't) are outdated, and so I think it should be about equal.

[Broken Arrow]

Regardless of the situation, I always budget ahead of time to pay 100%. If they offer and insist to pay, then that's fine too....

Not that I'm planning to date anytime soon though. Even if there is someone whom I can date, I can't do that just yet.... I am still technically married, and it's extremely important to me that I uphold my vow to the very end.

Then we'll see. Until then, it's equally vital to me to get my financial house in order, so it's really just as well that I am not.

[Bookie]

Gruntina mentioned regional differences, I think it also varies by generation. I'm of the old school. A gentleman asks a lady out. She comes as his guest, and he pays. Young people seem much more relaxed about sharing expenses.

Reminds me: A female friend and I (a professional colleague) have lunched about once a month for the past 20 years. Long ago we agreed that we would alternate; she pays on even months and I pay on the odd ones. It works well, and we avoid the confusion of trying to remember whose turn it it.

There's just this one thing. Every single time the server will hand me the check. Drives her crazy.

[greedy4chips]

My rule is simple. If I ask a girl out on a date, I will pay! If the girl demands we go someplace that I cannot afford or would rather not go to, then she can foot part of the bill.

I lived with 7 girls, including my current wife, in college 17 years ago for 1 year. I heard more conversations about dating, sex, female plumbing, and personal hygiene than I care to admit to. Several times the girls would talk about how much they got the guy to spend on them and whether this means they like them more than a cheaper guy.

My wife and I used to spend many evenings together sitting at McDonalds sharing a large order of fries and just talking about stuff. It never mattered to me that we were there versus a rock concert. My wife, who is sitting right next to me watching Mon Night Football with me says she was just happy to be with me and the money spent did not matter....yeah right. LOL

[tabbycat31]

As a female, I enter any date expecting to pay for my half. If he wants to pick it up, great. However I come in prepared to pay my fair share.

[MonkeyMama]

I have always been prepared to pay my fair share though men often pay. I won't say no if they offer. I haven't been single in quite a while though. But I am 29 now, and seems to be the case for the younger crowd. I am from San FRancisco area so I would say sure, maybe it is a big city thing.

I have had friends on the other hand who think it is TERRIBLE I would ever pay my fair share. LOL. It is a pretty personal choice I guess. I imagine disagreement in the matter helps you screen potential mates.

Me personally, I rather pay my fair share. I like to take car of myself is what it mostly comes down to.

[Fern]

I know thtat the vast majority of women feel the man should pay, but for some reason, i always feel terribly guilty of he consistently pays for lots of pricey meals and everything else. Most of the men i've been with have been very generous, and most also had a higher income than me, but i guess when i put myself in their shoes, i can easily see how much it all adds up to when you're paying not just for your own entertainment, but someone else's too.

[shengmei]

I live in Texas where it is normal to have HUGE entrees. When I was dating, I let my boyfriend (now my hubby) pay for an entree and appetizer for every meal, and then we drink water......so technically hubby was paying as much as he would have paid if he went out by himself, but I got fed too.

[Gruntina]

I remember some dates I insisted on paying my share or take turns because I did not want my date to think I was helpless. For me it depends on what kind of energy or feel from the guy. I also want partnership in my future marriage and a sign of something that can be worked out together. This does not mean 50/50 as I do not think everything can be split 50/50 but a balance of things working together to have full efforts from both ends. I do not want to be in a position where I am “taking care of the man” as I do not think that is partnership.

[thekid]

When I dated (been in a steady relationship for 5 years), I LIKED to pay on first few dates. Seemed like the galant thing to do and brought a little more decorum. I actually didn't like it much when the girl offered to pay (didn't really bother me, but still I would rather not).

I don't like it either when out with friends we have to calculate the bill and spilt. I much rather pick it up and let the other person pick it up some other time. Of course, with friends, you have to watch with whom you are doing it....but I'm lucky and well surrounded in this aspect.

[PRICEPLUS]

If I asked a young lady out for a date I would pay everything. When I was dating my wife we started to split things occassionaly when we got engaged. Societal rules are in flux and I guess the best thing to do is play it by ear but I would still pay regardless. I guess I am an anachronism!

[vsjhoc]

I (female) guess I'm just not very traditional. I will almost always offer to split it. Sometimes I even offer to pick up the whole tab. I admit I do this as a test to see what the male reaction will be.

The worst date I have ever had: I offered; the guy opted for the larger beer whereas before I opted he was wavering between getting a small one and a large; and when the bill came and the waitress put it down next to him, he picked it up with a great flourish, passed it to me, and said "I believe this is yours." I couldn't get rid of him fast enough.

If I feel like a guy is trying to impress me by how much money he has, he's a goner too. I just dumped a guy who had a Mercedes convertible with plans to buy a bigger house more befitting his station in life. Don't get me wrong, I don't want someone with a lot of debt either (been there, done that). Just don't think you can buy me.

[tinapbeana]

Originally Posted by vsjhoc

I (female) guess I'm just not very traditional. I will almost always offer to split it. Sometimes I even offer to pick up the whole tab. I admit I do this as a test to see what the male reaction will be.

when i was single, i liked to pick up the tab on a date, especially if it was someone i liked. 1st, got to see how he would react. 2nd, (and sneakiest!) i'd get to say "you can pick up the next one"!

other option is to pay for a portion of the entertainment for the evening. if he bought dinner out and we're going to a movie, i'd offer to pick up the tab there. or coffee or ice cream or whatever...

the thoughts of having someone churn out $50 a night (or more) to go on a date a couple nights every week just made me uncomfortable on too many fronts.

[Broken Arrow]

*Scribbling notes down furiously*

Wow, I didn't know you ladies can be so sneaky! All these "tests" just to gauge our reactions? Reminds me of that episode from some sitcom where the daughter brought her date over for dinner with the family, but the father was testing him the entire time:

Dad: Guy, would you like some chicken?
Guy: Yeah, sure, I'd love some.
Dad: Terrific! Now, which piece do you want? BREAST or THIGH?
Guy: Uh... uh WING!

[tinapbeana]

Originally Posted by Broken Arrow

*Scribbling notes down furiously*

Wow, I didn't know you ladies can be so sneaky! All these "tests" just to gauge our reactions?

BA, surely you know guys have their tests, too. I call them 'You Picks'.

"You pick the restaurant"
*burgers and fries kinda gal, or french bistro?*

"You pick the movie"
*chick flick for her, action adventure for me, or something in the middle to keep everyone happy?*

Then there's the one trick everyone tries to pull on everyone else: order last, so you can see how much the other person picks as the price point for their meal. That way, you can order accordingly