Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

[jodi]

Here's the quandary: My brother and SIL live next door. They have a 4 year old daughter. My mother has committed to watch her every Tuesday and Thursday. Since DH started student teaching, she also volunteered to watch our two boys, but only if it was the same days. So I switched my schedule at work so that she watches all three kids on T and Th.
My SIL started a new job that requires mornings and evenings. Her daughter will often be dropped off here during these times (my brother is a farmer and works very long hours - at times he will take her to the barn, but more often than not - especially with the colder weather - they bring her here). A lot of times they won't even ask until they bring her because they know we won't say no. We enjoy having her here, and she also keeps my boys busy. On Tues and Thurs she is here from 10am until 7pm (I only work until 1 pm, so I watch her most of that day). She usually is here 2-3 nights per week for dinner. We also watch her several other times during the week so my SIL can run errands.
Here's the problem - it seems that every time I want them to watch my boys, there is a reason why they cannot. A few months ago, I asked them to help out when DH went back to school - no response. Then I asked if they could watch the boys on Sunday nights while DH and I bowl. That lasted for 2 weeks, then my brother told me that Sundays were their family time and they didn't want to do it every week. I arranged for a sitter every other week. Last week, they were supposed to come back from a calling hours to relieve DH, who was watching our boys and their daughter, so that DH could come bowling. Instead, they stayed for an hour past the end of calling hours, then stopped to get dinner before coming home (well over an hour late, so DH missed bowling, which we have to pay for whether we go or not).
This week my SIL agreed to watch the boys during bowling, then called back to say that her daughter was going to a birthday party, so could I get the sitter? Nevermind that SHE was not going to the party and would still be home. There is always a reason.
So...I can keep on pretending like there is nothing wrong. This was the stance my mom wanted me to take for "family peace", but even she is getting pretty upset now. I can say something, not knowing how it will be taken. Or I can just refuse to watch their daughter any more, or at least cut back.
Should I keep quiet? Or speak up? I am currently spending about $200 on child care monthly while she spends $0. Doesn't seem fair.

[PRICEPLUS]

No reason to make a big row. They watch theirs and you watch yours. As it stands you are getting the short end of the stick. When you are always getting taken advantage of it is time to politely make an excuse as to why you cannot watch their daughter anymore. If mom is watching the kids two days a week then let that continue. Just don't get tangled up in your SIL's web. If they ask why you cannot watch their daughter tell them that you have "plans". Family should never take advantage of family! PERIOD! You and your husband are not door mats!

That is my .02 cents. Oh, by the way..my sister is forever asking me to watch her kids or take them somewhere and I am usually obliging but I have found I was getting calls 4 and 5 times a week. I don't mind helping out in a pinch but come on!!!!

I now say I can't help, even if I can, a lot of times. My life is mine and my time is important! I have also told my sister that a day or twos notice would be very helpful. I am not dropping everything anymore....

I really don't like being taken advantage of...............

[getforfree]

If she makes excuses not to watch your kids, you can make some excuses too. Even if it won't reduce your babysitting fees, at least it would increase hers. If you work only untill 1 pm, you don't have to tell them it's untill 1, If your mother watches them untill 7 for free, go and have fun untill 7, run you errands, or take your boys out. At least I would.

[kealina]

i don't know what approach would work best with them since i don't know them but i agree with the idea of making an excuse and not letting them take advantage of you guys. some people are self-absorbed and it will never occur to them that it is inequal, and in the long run it will only cause you resentment. and i can understand the pressure to "keep the peace" and "play nice" because my mom does that too.
unfortunately, our family is full of people like that and we've found it really does help to set boundaries. make it clear that you have plans and that they simply can't dump on you at the last moment. tell them that you enjoy your "family" time as well. like priceplus said "my life and my time is important!" and it is...

[greedy4chips]

Politely decline. If pushed to give a reason, then politely decline again by saying this is our family time.

Offer child swapping for future babysitting. You watch our 2 kids one evening and we will watch your 1 child in return the same amount. Eventually they will get tired of having to watch 2 kids and you only have 1 extra.

If this subtle hint doesn't sink in then they need the tough love approach. Tell them if you watch their daughter any more often you get to deduct her on your taxes.

[cschin4]

I think you need to drop the notion that they might reciprocate and watch your kids as well. Don't even bother with that as it will just cause you more tension and resentment when they say no or are unreliable. So, just go about your life and get babysitters, etc.
As for your brother and SIL, most people are oblivious to their own actions. So, I doubt they will see your point of view either. If you are pressed upon, then you need to just backing up from the situation and just say "no" that you can't watch little Susie today, etc. You don't have to give any reason or excuses other than you are not available. But, try to put the child in the middle. If all of the sudden you have no time for her, she may feel rejected as well. Life isn't fair, and sometimes people give more than they take and vice versa. So, try to enjoy the child as you start to set some limits on the parents' behavior.

[Ima saver]

I would just say no, I cannot watch her any longer and just stop!

[Homebody]

I would figure out how many hours a week you are watching her and let brother and sister-in-law know that you expect equitable hours. Hey maybe you can build up for a one week vacation for you and DH!

Then keep track with running total of total hours each month or something. If you have visual aids when you talk to them it may help them see, otherwise they can be in denial about how many hours you watch her.

[jodi]

Originally Posted by Homebody

I would figure out how many hours a week you are watching her and let brother and sister-in-law know that you expect equitable hours. Hey maybe you can build up for a one week vacation for you and DH!

Then keep track with running total of total hours each month or something. If you have visual aids when you talk to them it may help them see, otherwise they can be in denial about how many hours you watch her.

Good idea. I've been thinking about doing this anyway - but then they might regard it as a "sneak attack" that I have been planning for weeks! Who knows how this will shake out.

Here's the problem with watching their daughter less - I really enjoy having her here. She is my son's best friend. I just wish there were a way to get them to reciprocate a little more. I know, I know, I'm going to end up beating my head against the wall if I expect to change someone else's behavior. Thanks all for the good advice. I guess it's something I will just have to drop, and start saying no more often if it gets to be too much.

[TBH]

This is so hard for me to imagine since my nearest family is 2 hours away.

This is really hard. I agree with whoever said you can't just stop watching her because that will effect your relationship with your neice. It's not her fault her parents are selfish and feel entitled to your time. I'm sure you love her and want her to feel welcome in your house.

I don't really like the idea of just saying no, we're busy, without really addressing it. I think it's going to cause tension until you talk it out. I'm not sure they'll get it, but sometimes keeping the peace is not the only thing that's important.

I would try to say without bitterness, no, we can't watch her today. We've already had her X hours this week and you haven't reciprocated in a long time and it's asking too much of us.

Or just decide exactly how much you're comfortable watching her and tell them that and steadfastly refuse to watch her any more. For example you can say "I already watch her on Tues and Thurs, and I love having her here on those days, but no I can't watch her any other times unless you want to start watching my boys more regularly."

[jodi]

Thanks, Claire. We might end up in this conversation if this continues, although I honestly don't think it will change anything. They have done it to my mom too (for example, be an hour or more late with out calling, or forget to call her and cancel on a day when my mom planned to stay home to watch her). My mom would talk to my brother about it, but he will tell her to talk to his wife. Problem is, my mom doesn't feel comfortable with that, so the matter drops. But either she or myself will probably get steamed some day and say something out of frustration, which probably won't be the best solution. Maybe we should have this talk calmly before it gets to that point...

[KellyJef]

Originally Posted by jodi

Maybe we should have this talk calmly before it gets to that point...

You are a grown woman -- I don't understand why it would be so difficult to stand up for yourself.

Just tell them what you've told us: that you feel like you're being taken advantage of. Tell them that you don't want to have your relationship with them and your niece to be hurt because you're starting to feel a little resentful.

[Snoopy2645]

For your family just to keep the peace I would make up excuses

[PrincessPerky]

i am .....not nice, I would state polkitely the truth...but as for watching their kid..I would do that for the kid, not the parents..no equity, a child can't pay you back...

so say your upset, take a deep breath and then move on. You may be able to change her..or not..prolly not, but I would keep taking care of the DD for the DD, not the mom.....It is all in how you look at it.

[TBH]

Originally Posted by KellyJef

You are a grown woman -- I don't understand why it would be so difficult to stand up for yourself.

Wow, way to show support.

It's sometimes hard to stand up for yourself AND be generous and loving with your family. Jodi's just trying to find a balance. Give her a break.

[pearlieq]

Originally Posted by claire

Wow, way to show support.

It's sometimes hard to stand up for yourself AND be generous and loving with your family. Jodi's just trying to find a balance. Give her a break.

I don't think the poster you quoted said anything inappropriate. I was thinking the same thing she was.

It's fine if you don't agree with what she said, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of us picking on each other just because not everyone has the same opinion.

To the OP, I think the direct approach is the simplest, sanest way to go. If they're not worried about "family peace" and are comfortable taking advantage of you, I don't see why you wouldn't be entitled to stick up for yourself in a reasonable, polite manner.

Why not just say something like "We enjoy spending time with your daughter, but we've been watching her quite often lately, and I'm started to feel taken advantage of because you guys don't seem willing to reciprocate. How can we work out a more fair arrangement?"

[scrava]

Really well said! My Mom used to drop me off all the time and I HATED it. She never recriprocated and people let me know it :-(
Do you best to not make nieve feel like a heel!

Originally Posted by cschin4

I think you need to drop the notion that they might reciprocate and watch your kids as well. Don't even bother with that as it will just cause you more tension and resentment when they say no or are unreliable. So, just go about your life and get babysitters, etc.
As for your brother and SIL, most people are oblivious to their own actions. So, I doubt they will see your point of view either. If you are pressed upon, then you need to just backing up from the situation and just say "no" that you can't watch little Susie today, etc. You don't have to give any reason or excuses other than you are not available. But, try to put the child in the middle. If all of the sudden you have no time for her, she may feel rejected as well. Life isn't fair, and sometimes people give more than they take and vice versa. So, try to enjoy the child as you start to set some limits on the parents' behavior.

[KellyJef]

Originally Posted by claire

Wow, way to show support.

It's sometimes hard to stand up for yourself AND be generous and loving with your family. Jodi's just trying to find a balance. Give her a break.

The OP didn't say she was asking for "support" -- she asked for input.

I stand by what I posted. She needs to take a stand and better her situation -- she deserves a much fairer arrangement.

[jodi]

No, I plan to keep my niece completely out of it. She has done nothing wrong I adore her and like I said, I don't mind watching her (MOST of the time!). All I want is a little reciprocity and respect.
I don't mind the straightforward talk - but it's not as simple as standing up for myself. My SIL was raised...differently than we were in our family and, quite frankly, thinks of herself first. I'm afraid of tensions it may cause, even though I think I am right. Since we live next door to each other, it could make things awkward. I'll keep you all posted on any resolution and thanks for the wisdom

[jodi]

Well, I decided to broach the subject with my brother when he came to pick up my niece tonight. First I asked him when he needed a sitter for her - he said Mondays and Thursday nights, and only then when she couldn't go to work with him (which will be most nights, now that it is getting so cold out). I told him that I did not mind watching her, but we were never really asked (they just started dropping her off), and if I was going to watch her, I would like them to watch my boys either Sunday nights or Monday days (times when I have a sitter). His reponse? "Talk to my wife". I asked him to speak with her since he would see her tonight, but nope, he couldn't do that either. Hmph. I wonder if he will even pass the message along.