How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

[neatdesign]

Last year, Mark and I said we were only going to buy Christmas gifts for our immediate family members, but inevitably we got gifts for each other, too. So I'm thinking that, for us, it's sort of all-or-nothing. If we don't have to buy gifts for other people, then we won't be tempted to buy them for each other.

The only exceptions would be our little niece and nephew, but even then, their parents (my brother & his wife) don't want or expect expensive gifts for them. Otherwise, nothing for the adults. Especially considering that Mark's family is in the UK, and the current exchange rate is HORRIBLE.

But how do we go about this without coming across as totally tacky, rude or scroogish? I think it would be in poor taste if we just didn't send anything without explaining why. But at the same time, I don't want to display poor etiquette by making this announcement in the wrong way.

We don't really care if we get gifts, although the monetary gifts we get from a couple of people would be nice. (Hey, I'm being honest!) To me it seems the only way to get out of giving gifts is to also ask not to receive any. But there's still a big difference between saying, "Please don't send us any gifts this year" and saying, "We're not giving any Christmas gifts this year." I mean, do we explain WHY we won't be giving gifts (to save money & pay down debt)? Everyone knows we're in debt but it just seems selfish and tacky.

I'm rambling now... I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but hopefully some of you will understand what I'm asking and can give me some feedback!

~ Jenney

[amberfocus]

This is just an idea, but how about tactfully explaining your situation of financial difficulty to your immediate family, and then offer to exchange something non-monetary for a traditional gift? Say, putting in X hours of volunteer work at the local homeless shelter/soup kitchen/animal shelter/what-have-you, or something similar? I know that many people appreciate "donations" in their name to causes that they care about. It's just that in this case, you'd be donating your time and effort, not money.

I'm not sure if you should ask people not to send you gifts in return, however. Maybe tell them not to feel obligated to send something big, but to outright reject a gift might make them feel rejected, themselves. Leave what they choose to give you up to them. Most people give gifts without expecting anything in return.

Hope this helps.

best,
~mimi

[Staceyy]

Well realistically you can't expect to receive anything if you don't give anything so I wouldn't count on the gifts you generally look forward to. I'd explain my situation so there are no hard feelings. I would probably bake something and wrap it beautifully along with a handmade card.

[LuxLiving]

You can send your Christmas cards out the week before Thanksgiving (helping those dayafter Thanksgiving day shoppers) with the inscription "Mark & I love each of you very much and hope you have a rewarding holiday experience this year. We are making an accelerated push to pay off our debts and get our financial life in order, to that end we are not planning to exchange Christmas gifts this year, but we are donating $___ in the family's name to XYZ Charity! We know you support us in our efforts to be responsible financial stewards and we hope that you also have a blessed and debt-free holiday season!"

[Ima saver]

Wow, you have quite a way with words, Lux. You said that beautifully!

[neatdesign]

Thanks everyone for your responses thus far. I think Lux has hit it on the head. I was really looking for a tactful way to say, "Hey, don't expect anything from us this year, but don't take it personally" and I think Lux's idea is the closest thing to doing that.

Our families understand that we're going through a rough time financially, and they won't be upset that we're doing this. If anything, they'd probably be impressed and very supportive. However, I still want them to know that we love and appreciate them and don't look at them as a drain on our finances. It's just that every little bit helps.

Thanks, everyone!

~ Jenney

[getforfree]

I wouldn't be happy if someone just donated something in my name instead giving me a gift. I would rather get nothing, than at least I won't have to give them anything.

[neatdesign]

Originally Posted by getforfree

I wouldn't be happy if someone just donated something in my name instead giving me a gift. I would rather get nothing, than at least I won't have to give them anything.

Well, as the saying goes, "It's the thought that counts."

Plus, as I said before, this is more about us not giving gifts. We couldn't care less if they choose to give us gifts or not.

~ Jenney

[jodi]

We had this problem last year with our large extended families who typically buy gifts for everyone. We told them in October that with Dh out of work and back in school, we just could not do the traditional gifts for everyone and asked if they would consider something different.
With my family, we drew names between the siblings - 6 people, each drew one name and spent about $50 (instead of spending $30-40 on each person). With Dh's family, we set a $10 limit per person and got creative. It cut our expenses by a few hundred dollars and still let us participate. However, my family would have respected a decision to opt out too - I suggest just being upfront and telling them where you stand. Maybe you can do a small token gift or something homemade (baked goods?).

[Mathew Green]

Originally Posted by getforfree

I wouldn't be happy if someone just donated something in my name instead giving me a gift. I would rather get nothing, than at least I won't have to give them anything.

I'm with Getforfree on this. I would hate it if someone made a contribution to their favorite charity, or almost any charity, in my name. If it's a gift for me, send it to me and let me decide if I want to donate it or not. However I believe Luxliving was talking about making a token donation in the name of the entire family.

While Lux's suggestion is well intentioned, I really don't see the point of doing it. I mean, if the purpose of not giving gifts is to cut your holiday expenses because money is tight, why spend any money at all on it? Just tell the relatives you're doing a major debt reduction and have decided to opt out of holiday gift giving this year. That phrase "opt out of" should make it clear to them that you don't expect to receive any gifts since you're not giving any. If they then decide to give you a gift anyway, they'll be doing it with the knowledge that you won't be giving them one in return.

[cschin4]

Yes, I wouldn't want a charitable donation in made in my name either. I think we all operate in the world of "TMI - too much information"! Nobody really wants to hear about someone else's "debt accelerator plan" at Christmas. People explain too much! Just send everyone a nice Christmas card, period. Wish them well and skip the gift. If they send you a gift, just say "thank you" and leave it at that. The following year, they will be happy to be off the hook to send you a gift and the whole thing can just be dropped.

[Bookie]

Hey Lux, that's a beautifully crafted statement. Dignified without sounding pathetic. You really do have a way with words.

[neatdesign]

Ultimately, the decision in exactly how to proceed is going to depend on the people involved. I personally don't intend on donating to charity in honor of my family, for several reasons. For one, the point of all this is to eliminate as much Christmas spending as possible. Our families will understand if we don't give gifts, including a donation made in lieu of gifts. For another, I believe for a donation to truly honor a person, you need to make it to a cause that THEY support -- BUT, we don't support many of the same causes, so I don't want to be a hypocrite, either.

However, that's not to say that I don't think making a donation in honor of someone else is a bad idea. It just depends on the person you're honoring. Obviously some of you would find it offensive, but others wouldn't. Hopefully the gift giver knows the gift receiver well enough to make the right call.

As it happens, my brother called last night and I told him about my idea. He was all for it and very supportive. No mention of making any donations. So I think this is what we'll be doing. And the more I think about it, the earlier we say something, the better. Like my mom always says, it's better to rip a band-aid off in one quick swipe rather than slowly peeling it off bit by bit. Telling them sooner will give the idea more time to sink in.

~ Jenney

[shelbylovesmelby]

Originally Posted by LuxLiving

You can send your Christmas cards out the week before Thanksgiving (helping those dayafter Thanksgiving day shoppers) with the inscription "Mark & I love each of you very much and hope you have a rewarding holiday experience this year. We are making an accelerated push to pay off our debts and get our financial life in order, to that end we are not planning to exchange Christmas gifts this year, but we are donating $___ in the family's name to XYZ Charity! We know you support us in our efforts to be responsible financial stewards and we hope that you also have a blessed and debt-free holiday season!"

Sounds awsome to me, however I don't know that our relatives would be so pleased!

As dh's sisters aren't happy about us sending a $25 gc for the holiday & they spend that + ship the girls gifts. But if dh would stop spending more than he brings in maybe I'd be more generous on my end but I'm also not working anymore either. So they just have to suck it up & be happy we send anything. JMHO

[Staceyy]

If you're going to donate something to charity in someones name, why not just buy the gift for them? I don't see where this is going to save you money. Or is donating to charity really just a lie?

[rdeel2000]

I thought you might like to hear from someone who has actually done what you are wanting to do. A few years back we decided to put every extra penny we could find into paying off our mortgage by a date we had set. As Christmas was approaching we started thinking about how much time, energy and money we spent shopping and shipping gifts to people who really didn't need anything (note there were no small children on our gift list). We also realized how much time we spent trying to figure out what to do with gifts we received that we had no use for. Don't get me wrong, we are not Scrooges but it had been bothering us for a long time that we were forced to go through the gift giving ritual just because that's what the advertisers tell us to do (good topic for another thread).

Anyway, this is how we handled it. Starting in early Fall, as we would talk to the different family members on our gift list, we would just casually mention to them that we were on a mission to become debt free and that we had decided not to exchange Christmas gifts until we reached our goal. We asked them to please not buy for us as it would make us feel bad. We got different reactions from different people but mostly we heard that they had wanted to do the same thing for years but didn't know how to go about it. Basically they were all relieved to be able to mark someone off of their gift list.

When December came around my husband and I bought one thing we wanted, something we could both enjoy and we gave each of our grown sons some cash and told them to buy something they had been wanting. You cannot believe the peace that came over our home not having to fight the crowds in the stores and stand in line at the post office. We were able to enjoy the plays and concerts and light displays without the stress that we had felt in previous years. We wondered why we hadn't done this years before.

We reached our goal and have been debt free for a couple of years now which is an indescribable feeling, better than any Christmas gift we could ever receive. The interesting thing is that not one person has suggested resuming the gift giving ritual with us which suits us fine. I should note that we are just as close to all of them as we ever were, no hurt feelings. I hope this helps in some way. Good luck.

[neatdesign]

RDeel, thanks for sharing your experience. That is exactly what I had in mind, and knowing that others have done this successfully gives me more confidence.

Like I said in my other post, I think a lot of it comes down to who you're dealing with. Some people will be very understanding, others won't understand at all. But the bottom line is that you must do what's best for you and your family, even if it means depriving another person of short-term enjoyment over a material object.

I have emailed my mother about this and let her know that we're "opting out" of Christmas gifts this year. I think she'll be glad that we have our priorities in order; in fact, I think everyone in our family will feel that way.

~ Jenney

[neatdesign]

Originally Posted by Staceyy

If you're going to donate something to charity in someones name, why not just buy the gift for them? I don't see where this is going to save you money. Or is donating to charity really just a lie?

I'm assuming you're directing your questions at me. If so, let me clarify that I never said anything about donating to charity. LuxLiving included that bit in her post, and while I thought her suggestion of how to phrase things was excellent, I feel that the donation part of it is optional. Or, at least I am choosing to treat it as optional.

However, let's say I had decided to make a donation in lieu of gifts. Firstly, it's not a lie if you follow through on it. I guess there are people who would say they were making a donation and instead pocket the money for themselves. I'm not one of them.

Secondly, it would save money because the donation would be far less than the total amount spent on individual gifts. There are 10 adults in our immediate families, and individual gifts probably average about $30 each. But I would probably only donate $50 total to a charity that I felt all of us would support, such as the Humane Society. That's a savings of $250.

For me, this is all moot, though. I'm not planning on donating to charity. But that doesn't mean I think it's a bad idea. It just depends on the people you exchange gifts with. Some people are just more materialistic than others. If you exchange gifts with people like that, then donating to charity is probably not a good option for you.

~ Jenney

[Ima saver]

I think that is great. We have cut our gift giving way down. We usually send a ham to my dh's family, this year it will be a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant. We give the grand children each a check so they can buy what they want.
Then my dh and I just give gifts to each other, small things!

I like the idea of giving people homemade cookies or fudge!! Yum!! (I think I do it so I can eat some)

[Mathew Green]

Originally Posted by cschin4

I think we all operate in the world of "TMI - too much information"! Nobody really wants to hear about someone else's "debt accelerator plan" at Christmas. People explain too much! Just send everyone a nice Christmas card, period. Wish them well and skip the gift. If they send you a gift, just say "thank you" and leave it at that. The following year, they will be happy to be off the hook to send you a gift and the whole thing can just be dropped.

Obviously you don't have my relatives!

But it is a valid point. If someone is going to give debt reduction as the reason they're opting out of gift giving, it needs to sound like they're proud of their fiscal wisdom, not looking for sympathy. Best to not mention it at all if possible.