Wedding invitation received...

[rob62521]

Yesterday I received a wedding invitation from someone I barely know from church. We do the usual greeting in church when they sit near us and I do know who both of them are, and I am friends with the bride to be cousin, but I thought this was pretty tacky. I looked for the RSVP on the invitation and there was none! I'm not really sure what's expected of me. Personally I think this is a way to get a present. Both have been previously married and she has a house and he has an apartment so it isn't like they are just setting up housekeeping.

[pearlieq]

Maybe they were just trying to be friendly? Or thought maybe you'd feel left out if the cousin and other friends from church were invited but not you? Just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I personally would just send them a note or talk to them the next time you see them in person. Tactfully decline the invite and send them a congrats card the day after the wedding.

You're not obligated to attend or send a present simply because you were invited!

[34saving]

When dh and I got married we had been at our church for all of my life and all of the time he'd been going to church. My parents had also been at the church for 30 years. It was really hard to decide who to invite, so we invited just about everybody. There was no RSVP and we certainly had no expectations of presents from everybody, we just didn't want to hurt feelings by forgeting somebody who would have liked to have come -- or at least been invited. If you don't want to go to wedding I'd simply not go. I very seriously doubt there will be any hurt feelings.

[scrava]

I agree, when Church is ionvolved I think people invite more people to avoid hurt feelings.
If you don't want to go, I would send a note/congrats card and that's all.

[rob62521]

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

[cschin4]

Yes, not every invitation is a "gift seeking" event. Sometimes people just invite everyone they know because they don't know where and how to draw the line. You may send a gift if you want. But, if you decide not to go, I doubt anyone will remember or even notice. So, just decline.

[BCHGRL]

Perhaps this is similar to my work situation. I work in an office with 15 people, and I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I invited everyone. One guy was so new that he got my invitation and asked someone "who is this?"

I didn't expect a gift and I didn't expect him to come. I just thought it would be rude to invite every other person in the office and not him.

[rob62521]

The only flaw in the theory of inviting everyone from church so no one is left out is our congregation is over 1000 that actually attend. The number of total member is about 1200, but like most churches, not everyone attends.

[b4freedom]

I think that it depends on the type of wedding. If they invite everyone, I doubt it's a “big” deal, so you can decline and not give a gift (although a congratulatory card in the mail is still appropriate). If it's a big giant wedding with the whole church, then a big giant gift probably isn't appropriate.

It's funny, I know a family from the Midwest. They never went to a Northeast wedding. They're really rich and were invited to a wedding recently. They were shocked when they realized that their $20 gift wasn't nearly nice enough and that everyone was in formal attire and that the meals probably cost $200 per person. The wife sent the husband home in a hurry to put on his suit and get the check book. They had never seen anything like it. Most weddings that they'd been to were semi-casual and without fancy five course meals.

Everyones concept of a wedding is different. If there is no RSVP, then it's probably nothing fancy and your expectations are too high. It never hurts to ask...

Also, nobody gets rich off of weddings (except maybe the vendors). I had a big, fancy wedding. My two S-I-L, who had never seen anything like it and were shocked, said to me after words, “We want new weddings. You must have gotten rich off of your wedding.” Um, no! Not even close.

[kealina]

Originally Posted by b4freedom

Also, nobody gets rich off of weddings (except maybe the vendors). I had a big, fancy wedding. My two S-I-L, who had never seen anything like it and were shocked, said to me after words, “We want new weddings. You must have gotten rich off of your wedding.” Um, no! Not even close.

i have to second that... except the vendor part... our vendors probably made only a small amount of profit after all our research and negotiating... our wedding was small and simple and focused more on us individually than any wedding standard... we wanted small, simple and something that represented us and we made choices to that effect... it helped that we paid for it ourselves...

i know some people in our families thought it was cheap and we should have spent way more but IMO they have no right to speak because they either 1) eloped and didn't spend the money or b) aren't married yet, have no idea what it cost and don't even have the money to back up their talk...

yup, there were some very aggravating moments... forget bridezilla (i was very low-key) i had momzillas and sisterzillas... they were so rude and self-centered it was unbelievable...lots of drama... i can say lots about it but i won't right now...just that i know weddigns are an emotional minefield but it still hurts that they couldn't suck it up and behave like adults...

on the positive side, DH and I were so great together that it was just a lovely time for us in that regard... we were happy planning it together, happy DIY'ing stuff together, and just happy to be together...

ps. i'm not saying it's bad to elope or even to have a big wedding but just that they shouldn't have been making those comments about our wedding...

[rob62521]

I can see where the wedding couple wouldn't get rich off the wedding if it a fancy one.

I do not believe they invited everyone from our church. It's not going to be a super fancy wedding, but I think it's a little too big for a second marriage on both parties, but that's my opinion. Our church is pretty conservative and we usually follow ettiquette rules.

[Great to be Debt Free]

The only thing that really hurt my feelings was that my pastor was soupposed to co-officiate with the priest at DH's church (where I also grew up) --- then 2 months before the wedding, he accepted ANOTHER wedding for the same time! I was really hurt by that, but what's worse, I only found out when his wife wrote it on the reply card! I had just seen him in church that week and he didn't tell me! (And yes, I was VERY involved in my church). More than that, though, they didn't even send a card!

Lots of other folks didn't give gifts or send cards, but they knew gifts weren't expected, and in fact, they knew that I wouldn't want them to (many were really struggling). And most gave great hugs when they saw us in church. I do still have all the cards we received, though -- they're so pretty, I just keep thinking I should do something with them!

[KellyJef]

Originally Posted by rob62521

Yesterday I received a wedding invitation from someone I barely know from church.

I assume you are talking about an invitation to attend the ceremony at the church, but not the reception (since there is no RSVP)?

[kealina]

Originally Posted by Great to be Debt Free

I do still have all the cards we received, though -- they're so pretty, I just keep thinking I should do something with them!

i still have all my cards too... i'm saving up money to buy some stuff and scrapbook them...

[rob62521]

Originally Posted by KellyJef

I assume you are talking about an invitation to attend the ceremony at the church, but not the reception (since there is no RSVP)?

Actually the invitation was for both the ceremony and the reception. I can't imagine how they will plan on how many to be there since it said "dinner and dance" if they don't have some sort of RSVP.

[scrava]

wow. that seems like it would be stressful for the bride and groom. how many people to feed, how many to seat, etc.

Originally Posted by rob62521

Actually the invitation was for both the ceremony and the reception. I can't imagine how they will plan on how many to be there since it said "dinner and dance" if they don't have some sort of RSVP.

[markio26]

never heard of anyone not rsvping???? this is a new one to me.... i was ticked off by our 2 millionaire friends weddings this yr... we went out of our way to gift, high dollar and neither sent a thank you card or even verbally thanked us... next time, the invitation will go right into the trash... we are not doing weddings or funerals anymore.... just cards.... and an offer of a dinner...

[Ima saver]

If there is no rsvp, then I would not respond or attend. I doubt they will notice it. I am getting tired of being invited to weddings and baby showers and never getting a thank you note. When dh and I got married, we expected no presents. We already had a furnished house and needed nothing.

[rob62521]

I'm beginning to think sending thank you notes is a forgotten art. We bought some gifts off a registry for dh's cousin's son and never received a thank you. We couldn't attend the wedding, but felt we should send a gift since it was family, although we hadn't seen any of them for years. My dh's nephew was the same way. He was too busy to spend time with us, but was sure happy to cash the check, but never acknowledged it, until he didn't receive one and had his mom ask why. I received a hateful email from him when I told his mom that we thought he was ungrateful and didn't feel he appreciated what we gave him. His loss in reality. Since we don't have kids, he probably could have been named in our wills, but since he decided we weren't good enough to even notice, he doesn't get a red cent.