Family & Christmas - What do I do?

[boefixepa]

Okay, this is the situation...and I don't know what to do.

My sister lives in North Carolina with hubby and their three kids 12, 9, 6. My mom has chosen to make this big deal about going and visiting her for Christmas this year and I know full well my parents are charging to be able to go. They also want me to fly over there and spend Christmas with them.

I fill stuck between a thousand 'hard places'. My sister called yesterday and basically said I need to make up my mind. My mind is easy to make up, it's the guilt trip they are putting me on! I don't have the money and I don't see a justifiable reason to spen it! She's kindly said 'well it's family and you have to sometimes.'

GGRRRR...!!!

I hate to say it's about money, but that's pretty much what it boils down to. In the end it will cost me probably 2K and that's assuming I can actually use my miles to get a ticket, which is not very likely considering it's Christmas time! I don't enjoy traveling and half the time I'm bored when I am there. Yes, she's right it's been five years since I have been out to see them, and I really would like to see her and the kids. But in a three bedroom house, all her kids, me, and MY PARENTS and a brother that lives within driving distance....AAGGHHH!!! I think I might like the dog house and her three boxers better!

What do I do?

[LuxLiving]

I say don't go IF you are going to resent it.

[Ima saver]

How far apart do you live? I don't like staying at other people's houses and I just don't do it. If you can not afford to stay in a motel, i would say, don't go!

[Kris10Leigh]

I agree. I would say don't go. Perhaps you could suggest planning it for a few years in advance so that you can start planning for it now. It's not easy to come up with so much money in such a short amount of time. Is it necessary to fly? Can you drive?

[Bookie]

Sounds soooo familiar. I come from a family that operates on emotional blackmail. The only way to win is not to play.

Like everyone else, I suggest you consult your own values and priorities. No one has the right to ask you to sacrifice your own well-being for their convenience and satisfaction. Norman Rockwell Christmases work best as covers for the Saturday Evening Post. As templates for family gatherings, they seldom bring much satisfaction.

Don't be bullied or blackmailed. You'll end up hating yourself and resenting the others.

[boefixepa]

Bookie, you said it, that is how I feel --- emotional blackmail.

Driving is not an option. Utah to North Carolina. I looked up my miles and it's a no go, I don't have the 60K in miles, only 21. So it's 450-550 for the 23rd to the 1st. Then I called my mom to see if that was when she was planning to be there...just to get a feel for things. She didn't know?! Then I told her the costs... 'well we can't afford that!' ... 'maybe it will be cheeper in october when we were planning on getting the tickets' ???? Um...hello this is CHRISTMAS! the busy time to travel right? Prices are not going to go DOWN waiting, just selection! I'm right on this right?

So maybe if my parents back out I will have an 'out' of the situation....ggrr...I HATE dealing with this!

[TBH]

I agree that you should NOT GO. If it were me, I'd drag my heels about committing in hopes that your parents will bail also. If they bail, you say, too bad, maybe some other time. If they don't bail, you say "so sorry, lots of regrets, blah blah blah, but I just can't afford it."

Then you start immediately making plans (and saving the $$) to come some other time at a cheaper time of year, because really, 5 years is too long not to visit them if you can find a way to make it happen.

Good luck! The guilt thing is just no fun.

[Ima saver]

Wow, that is a long way, I would say, don't go. You really won't enjoy yourself and you will feel you are wasting your money.

[geojen]

It is so not fair that your family is springing this on you at this late date. Plus, when's the last time your sister came out to visit you? My family always gives me the guilt trip about getting home, but I say, hey, the road goes both ways baby.

[Thrifty Ray]

I would have to agree with the others about suggesting a trip in the future so that you can save and plan.

Otherwise, it sounds like you'll be paying for this trip for quite some time...and that would make me a little resentful---especially if it was because Id been guilted into it.

Perhaps you can suggest that all future gifts to each other are donations to a travel fund to bring the family together...a team effort and then you can all decide on a destination and date.

Dont go out of guilt...rather, keep pondering ideas to come up with an idea that works for everyone.

[Broken Arrow]

Boe, I think you know what the answer is. And it doesn't even really matter what the reasons are. If you don't want to go, then don't. It's your life, your call.

[Gruntina]

Family is very important to me and I will be there for them when they need me. They are what made me go so far in life because I can always fall back on them if I ever get stuck. But to make you feel guilty and pressuring you to go on a trip you simply can’t afford, I would hope they would have more understanding than that. I remember one year I could not go home for Christmas due to low funds, I gave everyone a web cam for their Christmas gift and set it up on my computer so I can be there via online on Christmas. It’s not the same but it did help keep the closeness there and let them know I was thinking of them.

[PrincessPerky]

We were asked to fly to Utah, from NC once..we did go, but only cause my mother paid the plane fare and the hotel room, no way would I go into debt no matter how cool it is to see a fake wedding... (no offense family)

now I do think she went into debt for it, she felt it was that big a deal..it is her debt, not really mine.....

some ways to soften the blow...

give prices (round up)

suggest next year they fly to see you...

offer a computer cam like Gruntina said.

if you can swing any amount try seeing if January would be easier to arrange....

also see if it would be easier/cheaper to go wherever your mom is..unless she is in Utah too?

[boefixepa]

Yes, parents are in Utah too. And when I talked to them last night I found out they were expecting me to take them to the airport???? Hum...ever think of asking! They live about three hours away from me, and the airport. From the sounds of things last night I think my mom & dad have come face to face with the cost of going and are reallt debating it....so here's to hoping that I can get out of this with as little pain as possible.

Oh as far as my sister coming to see me?!? Yeah, when hell freezes over! 'There's five of us...it's easier for you....it's hard for us to get time off work...blah..blah..blah..blah..blah

[lrjohnson]

I’m not anti-holiday, but the forced interaction with relations for the sake of the holidays is a big pet peeve. A lot of folks I know spend a lot of money and time and energy going to see people or hosting events with family members they don’t see that often, and don’t have a real connection with. So draining.

Using the holidays as an excuse to see people you really love is fine, in fact great. We should use any reason we can to see those we care about as often as possible as long as it fits the budget.

But too many people get blackmailed-it’s a good term-to do holiday stuff.

I used to love celebrating Thanksgiving. My Guy and I had a flannel jammie 4 day weekend. No shopping, no cooking. Treats from the store: take and bake pizza, Chinese food, smoked almonds, whatever we felt in the mood for. We loved it. Now that some family of his is closer, we have to go there every Thanksgiving. Forced conversation, mediocre food. I can’t fight it without causing drama, so we have a 3 day flannel jammie weekend.

Sorry for the digression. But it’s something to remind ourselves not do. We may not be able to get out of certain things. But we can watch that we are not the ones putting others in a tough position. We can’t avoid being put in Boe’s position, necessarily, but we can avoid putting others in Boe’s spot.

[mountainmist]

I would say, "NO, absolutely not," just for the principle of the thing. Years ago, a friend told me that whenever anybody makes you feel GUILTY about anything, whatsoever, to simply stop everything and NOT let that person manipulate you into doing something that you don't want to do.

I've found that to be good advice, that when someone makes you feel GUILT, that that person is someone who is utterly emotionally TOXIC and is trying to manipulate you.

I avoid such people like the plague.

[mountainmist]

I would say, "NO, absolutely not," just for the principle of the thing. Years ago, a friend told me that whenever anybody makes you feel GUILTY about anything, whatsoever, to simply stop everything and NOT let that person manipulate you into doing something that you don't want to do.

I've found that to be good advice, that when someone makes you feel GUILT, that that person is someone who is utterly emotionally TOXIC and is trying to manipulate you.

I avoid such people like the plague.

[JanH]

We live 800 miles away from our families. We don't do holidays very often. The kids only get so many days off and we like to have our own family times with them. The holidays are expensive and hard on a lot of people anyway, so why add travel expenses to it. Then a lot of people pay taxes and tuition payments right after the first of the year, so it is an additional hardship. I think people who don't have kids get pushed harder to do it cos it is supposedly easier on them. We spend a lot of phone calls and updates on the computer with all family members during the holidays. We send thoughtful presents and call each other after the gifts are all opened. We "gather together" in our own way. Then if we are getting together, we do it in the summer when we are more relaxed and can save up for it. We see what people have done with the gifts we have sent and laugh alot then. So much nicer. Our high school class reunion people can't understand that we don't come home for Thanksgiving--that's the date. We told them that we travel to where our college kids are and spend the holiday with them. We may not have many more times when we all can get together. One day our kids will be scattered and we will be realistic and know they can't all show up for the holidays. My family is still close and loves each other to death. but we don't do holidays.

[getforfree]

My family wants me to visit them overseas too. I don't want to. It would cost me too much.

If we would go there with kids, it will cost us just about 3K for the tickets. Plus we won't be working for a couple of weeks while we there. So we loose our income for that time. And while we will be there we would still have to pay our house payment and other fixed bills. So it would cost us like 10K if you count the lost income.

I can shell out about 10K on that, but I DON"T WANT TO. And they are making me feel guilty about all that. They know I have the money and don't want to spend it. I spend about $20 every month on long distance bill to call them. Plus Dh calls his family too. So whenever they are pressuring me, I just stop calling them for a month or so untill they would call me.

[TinyFish]

Well Boe, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Try just smiling (works over the phone too) and say how you are sorry to miss out on all the fun, but you just don't have the money in the budget this year. Don't bring up the other stuff, there is no way to make that sound nice. If you really feel you would like to see them, though I can't see why if they bore you, maybe you can save up to visit them (and stay at a hotel so as not to 'burden them') next year. In fact, that would make a great follow up sentence:

"I'm really sorry to miss out on seeing you all and being with you at Christmas, but I'm afraid I just can't afford it this year, you know how it is. I'll save up my pennies though and we can all be together next year (or next Summer, or whatever), unless you would rather come here? We'd love to have you visit too!"

If she persists, just keep repeating "Sorry, I cannot afford it." There should be no shame in not spending money you don't have. She will probably respect you more for coming out and saying it than waffling, pretending you MIGHT come.

-TinyFish (Who can't teach her DH to make clear statements like this, so he strings his family along thinking we are going to move to the East Coast to be with them...)