kind of OT but I need some advice PLEASE!

[puppypal]

Long story short w/o giving tooo much information.........
My SS is 15 and getting into the wrong crowd...
He is on messager and facebook etc......
I want to get a software program that secrectly records his chats
and etc....
But the ones I have looked into cost a fortune
Do you all know of any good trusted programs that are reasonable? Thanks in advance

[mariec99]

My first thought is to put the computer in a main room of the house - anywhere but the kid's bedroom. That might have a dampening effect on any inappropriate PC use.

Same with phones. There is no good reason why a kid needs a phone extension in their bedroom. (Although these days, kids have cell's so I don't know if this would work.)

He'll be driving next year, so maybe now is the time to sit him down and say something to the effect of -- "You have the POTENTIAL of getting a big privilege when you turn 16. So, I'l be watching your behavior until then to determine what level of responsibility you can handle." Then lay out some ground rules. Curfews. Call when he will be late. Checking in regularly. Maintaining or improving grades. Sort of "if you want X, then I need to see X
behaviors".

[puppypal]

best go into more deeper thoughts with SS.
He only comes over every other weekend
The computer is in the main room! He could care less...Even left messenger on where I could archive when he left!
He is made to do all lthe things you suggested when Here!
But he is doing drugs stealing an I figured if we could catch him in the act!
It is very hard to parent when your Husbands child isn't there full time! KWIM?
Anyhow, I really need this program to find the true meaning of life out and use it to help him!
Curfews are strict! But he tends to slip out! I would considering him an out of control child!

[Broken Arrow]

What does "SS" stand for?

Well, yes, that IS asking quite a bit; not necessarily from a technical point-of-view, but rather, from an ethical point-of-view.

Due to the quasi-anonymous nature of the internet, I do not know, for example, that you're a Columbian drug lord, or worse yet, my ex-wife that is planning to use such an information against the "good guys"? You know what I mean?

At the same time, I can understand why a mother would worry about her son hanging out with the wrong crowd, so I can appreciate your concerns and request.

Well... I think the most important thing to consider is that, even if you are able to spy on someone, there is an issue of trust here, and your son (I assume it's your son) may not trust you for a long time to come. Is that a necessary risk?

Also, the internet is a technology, and a means of connecting with people. Yes, it may fill his head with bad ideas (or goods one), but I do not believe it would solve the inherent problem of a teen's desire to rebel against his parents.

I really think the best thing to do is to establish and increase your rapport with your son. I think eventually, even they would see and appreciate the effort. Eventually. Well, I did anyway.

Otherwise, and though I do not recommend this, you can always limit the amount of access they have to the computer. Let's face it. The internet is a privilege, not a natural born right. However, I do think that it will upset a teen greatly to lose the ability to connect with other people online.

A better suggestion is to learn to surf as they do. Go to the sites they go to, find out what they're talking about, see the web profiles they've created, and so forth. Perhaps, it'll shed some light that will help you either understand your teen better, or provide the proof you need to intervene and limit their internet usage.

As a last resort, if you must spy... you really don't need to be high tech if you have access the machines. Actually, most (perhaps all) IMs have a built-in logging feature already, and it's just a matter of making sure it's on, making sure they're not aware it's on, and collect the logs once in a while.

There are more sophisticated methods, but to be perfectly honest, I think they're not worth the hassle for average computer users, and really they don't accomplish much more of the low-tech stuff. Rather, they attempt to compensate your lack of access more than anything.

To sum it up, I don't advise taking this particular path. It will get dark and twisted very quickly, and likely to end in an abrupt dead end. Instead, I recommend to "make friends" with your teen children, no matter how impossible it may seem. Although I'm certain not everyone will agree with me on this, but I allow my teenage son to access everything freely on the net; no restrictions. I know full well that I can't stop him forever. Instead, I want him to see what's out there, within the safe confines of our home, and I trust that he will come around to agreeing with me that some things are best avoided. Yes, my son and I are "good friends" I think, and I do believe that he won't go astray because if he does, it would be fully on his shoulders for letting me down, not because he thinks I've held him back somehow.

Just my $.02 on that....

[Broken Arrow]

Originally Posted by puppypal

best go into more deeper thoughts with SS.
He only comes over every other weekend
The computer is in the main room! He could care less...Even left messenger on where I could archive when he left!
He is made to do all lthe things you suggested when Here!
But he is doing drugs stealing an I figured if we could catch him in the act!
It is very hard to parent when your Husbands child isn't there full time! KWIM?
Anyhow, I really need this program to find the true meaning of life out and use it to help him!
Curfews are strict! But he tends to slip out! I would considering him an out of control child!

Ok, see, now I feel like an idiot.

If he doesn't care, and leaves his stuff wide open, you won't need any software. Everything is there for you to copy and read.

If he's doing drugs, I would look into more serious measures, like rehab and juvenile programs.

[Ima saver]

SS is step son.

[mariec99]

Curfews are strict! But he tends to slip out! I would considering him an out of control child!

I think this is way beyond software. Are the ex-wife and your husband as concerned as you? I would spend money on a professional counselor rather than an internet spy program. He might be holding in anger, saddness about the divorce.

If he doesn't care, and leaves his stuff wide open, you won't need any software. Everything is there for you to copy and read.

Could this be a kid's way of trying to get some attention? Sending out a distress signal that they are hurting? (and maybe he doesn't understand how to get positive attention, so he settles for negative?)

[cicy33]

As a mother of 4 step kids that are here every weekend several thoughts, don't give up on a guy just because he had kids with someone else. that would be the same as saying that me being a mother should not have someone who is not the father of my child. yes, there are problems but there are always problems! I have friends who are the actual parents, still married and have more problems than I do!

Now, however, you have not mentioned how the child's father feels? If he is concerned as you are, one major step you can take is not allowing the internet while ss is there. either unplug it, if it is a cable modem, unplug and take it with you. You do have to understand that since he is not yours and he does not live there with you full time there is really little you can do. I have had to learn the hard way. And as much as you are concerned the only thing you can do is express those concerns to his mother and father and they are going to have to take it from there. believe this or not you have no legal standing with this child. Even as their step mom I cannot take the kids to the doctor without a note from their parents. I am not considered a legal guardian in the most important ways. the school will let me pick them up but only if their mother has called first. So, if his dad won't help you and if you have called the mom and she won't help then I would make it clear to him and his father that there will be no further internet activity while he is there since he is obviously doing things that are immoral at best and illegal at worst. you don't want to get into trouble.

[puppypal]

SS does equal step-son......
He is here every other weekend....
I love him with all my heart and I need the information for hubby and step-mom help him help himself?! KWIM? I hurt hearing the daily news of parents calling teacher that know me and my situation telling me the daily grid with SS.
Then in turn being the step-mom I have to relay the information to Hubby and well......Any step-mom knows......bio-parents tend to stick thier heads in the sand.....Until it bites them in the booty! LOL Right now, hubby has just got a huge bite!
I had been (when He is here) archiving his messenger when he leaves it on. He really either doesn't care or hadn't quite figured out what is up as far as that is concerned. I have found out about the kids he "hangs with" and felt like a major dummy thinking two or three kids are good kids when in reality they were the worst. I have done the myspace, tagged, and clicked til I am blue in the face.....EEEEWWWWWWW
These teens today enjoy brodcasting there friday nights!LOL OMG!
My hubby just now is realizing my step-son has a problem...How big of a problem? I don't know! But if I can find out early enough, and help him help himself.......with therapy
drug-a-nonimus stc Before it is tooo late I feel I have done my job as a parent. KWIM? Yes It is sneaky....Lordy, I have thought about the things and priviate convos etc til I am losing sleep..But If you felt in your gut that one of your children are getting into the wrong crowd, trying drugs etc..Wouyldn't you cut your arm off to know how long and how deep he is into it? See, That is where I am at. I want to help! I love him! But I can not snatch him up and throw him in rehab without more proof than I have. So far, the only proof is he was buzzing at school two days, he is drinking and he is tearing up things to get a rush or whatever. Now if I can find out that it is a every weekend thing and he does have a problem and not experiamenting, hubby will have the proof, to go to the ex and together they can do something....

[dshep]

Its my understanding.. and I could be wrong (its happened before and will happen agian..lol) that facebook is only for college students, and that you need to actually have a college your attending to put on your "website". Myspace is the problem with the younger kids... our high school sent home a letter about it. After recieving that letter and doing searches, I forbid my daughter to use it (shes 17)... She has complied, cause she knows Mom knows how to find all of the kids myspace pages, even if I am not a member. I did find out that lots of kids are using the wrong age.. I found a 15 year olds neighbors son with a 35 year old age, and listed as living two towns away... My suggestion would be.. find your SS pages, read all of the messages left on the pages from his friends, and then start clicking on his friends listed.. what has been left on thier sites... you gain a ton of info that way. I do it about once amonth... not that I dont trust my daughter, I just want to know who and what is going on, so I can say no.. if a kids name comes up in a conversation about who she is hanging with.. perhaps after reading all of the pages... you and hubby could confront SS and then he will know, you two are wise to him and his friends...and then hubby and ex wife could do something.

[debtfreeme]

limit his access to the computer. lock it down with a password. remove messange et al or install a password protected version. you can set your computer up to have various alias that allow only certain programs to be run.

don't mind the question, but what does your husband say?

[debtfreeme]

“Then in turn being the step-mom I have to relay the information to Hubby and well......Any step-mom knows......bio-parents tend to stick thier heads in the sand.....Until it bites them in the booty! LOL Right now, hubby has just got a huge bite!”

If the teacher is talking to you instead of his dad or mom that is an issue right there! You need to have the teacher speak to him directly.

Have you sat down with the boy and talked to him at all? Voicing your concerns about him and how much you love him and want him to make the right choices etc.

I have no kids but almost married a man with three young beautiful boys. He now lives in NC with his new wife but the boys and I still talk. The older one is now in huge trouble but he will call me and talk and I will walk him through what to say to talk to his dad and new step mom. It is such a hard situation and he is only 12. He has recently been sent to a youth camp to try and help straighten him out but it is so hard. So so hard.

[amberfocus]

Originally Posted by dshep

Its my understanding.. and I could be wrong (its happened before and will happen agian..lol) that facebook is only for college students, and that you need to actually have a college your attending to put on your "website".

Although I've never been on it, there actually is a high school version of facebook, as well. That's probably the facebook he's on, if we're indeed talking about the same facebook. You need a valid college e-mail address to get on the college one.

But facebook's pretty harmless, really--at least in my experience.

Originally Posted by dshep

Myspace is the problem with the younger kids... our high school sent home a letter about it. After recieving that letter and doing searches, I forbid my daughter to use it (shes 17)... She has complied, cause she knows Mom knows how to find all of the kids myspace pages, even if I am not a member.

What did your high school say about MySpace? Maybe I'm just naive, but isn't MySpace pretty harmless, as well? Sure, it's a popular online networking tool, but there are tons of nice and legit people on it... It all depends on how you use it. It's also actually trivial to hide profiles, or have multiple ones.

~mimi

[dshep]

Mimi,
I am the naive one.. I never knew there was a facebook for high school kids.. I knew about the college one, because I have a son in college.. And even he has gotten smarter about what he posts for the public eye.. Thanks for the info.
When the letter came out from the high school it was at the time that all of the child predators were finding "thier" kids on my space, they were posing as highschool boys. Shortly after the letter came out, quite a few people were arrested on the east coast and in cali..( they were just the ones that made the national news) for "luring young girls to hotels ect that they met on my space. That in itself made me want to protect my daughter... its a girl thing.. that she doesnt understand having two older bros... I have to say... My Space may be getting the blame for things they are not actually doing... its actually the kids, who are putting the info about partys and drugs ect out there. Not to mention the pictures they post showing the parties and who is drunk ect... When I went searching the first time.. I saw 13 year old girls who I knew.. in very seductive poses, in bras and panties.. with things on their websites that made me shutter... they were asking for trouble, and giving the girls very bad reps at school. I could rant and rave about how kids grow up to fast these days.. I happen to like my naive"old fashioned world" .. ok, I am not that old at 46... but when I was growing up... sex and drugs didnt happen that young! Did they?

Just for anyone who is interested.. colleges have actually started employing people who do nothing all day, but look at Facebook and My Space to see if you are a trouble maker, big partier or perhaps need alcohol couseling, or how you answered the "questions". and some colleges are now searching these before you get accepted, and that is factored into wether or not they accept you. A woman who volunteers at my church, her niece just got hired by a collge in PA. to do this. And she says its getting more and more common all over the country.

[amberfocus]

Originally Posted by dshep

When the letter came out from the high school it was at the time that all of the child predators were finding "thier" kids on my space, they were posing as highschool boys.

Ah, that is a legitimate reason for concern--although my personal approach wouldn't be to ban it completely, as that would be the "kill the fly with an axe" approach. The fly is dead... but so is the table that the fly was perched on.

I think it's much more useful to teach your children to never post personally identifying information online (or make their profiles/pictures/social events friends-only), and help them develop a "sketchiness sense" to detect and avoid online predators, including taking everything they read with a grain... no, make that heaps and heaps of salt. That will protect them for life, not just while they're under your wing and obeying your rules.

Because even though one assumes that adults can 'protect themselves', they *do* have to learn how to do that sometime, and it isn't by avoiding the issue.

Personally, I feel fine in forums, chatrooms, and social networking sites. I can smell a rat when one talks to me, and they get the smackdown rather quickly. I find that they are turned off by overwhelming intellectuality.

Originally Posted by dshep

ok, I am not that old at 46... but when I was growing up... sex and drugs didnt happen that young! Did they?

I don't mean to burst your bubble, but they probably just happened off the internet.

Originally Posted by dshep

Just for anyone who is interested.. colleges have actually started employing people who do nothing all day, but look at Facebook and My Space to see if you are a trouble maker, big partier or perhaps need alcohol couseling, or how you answered the "questions".

I'm not sure if 'colleges' employ people who do nothing all day *but* look at facebook/MySpace. I've heard that employers will use interns, etc., with an account at the same school to scan job applicants' profiles. Here's a link, although not the original link that I read:

http://daily.stanford.edu/article/20...noopOnFacebook

It's rather silly, though, IMHO. People goof off in their facebook profiles, because it's not meant to be "professional", it's meant to be fun and social. For example, in my profile:

- I'm married to my best friend (who is female);
- I've posted pics of me with a stuffed penguin on my head, as well as some of my friends crossdressed for a party;
- I'm in a group called 'Dr. House Is My Sex God';

Nothing terribly incriminating, but not "professional", either. And now, I'm scared to put "Reefer Madness The Musical" down as a favorite film, because I'm afraid that might be misinterpreted (I've never smoked pot in my life although I find nothing wrong with it personally and the movie is hilarious), and I quit a group called "Procrastinators Unite! ... Tomorrow" because I didn't want anyone to think I was lazy (although honestly--who doesn't procrastinate?!).

Sometimes, I wish employers wouldn't be so goddamn uptight. They want to hire people who can have *fun*, right? Otherwise, the office would be so dull!

~mimi

[cicy33]

I agree, possible work employment has no business looking into my personal life. That is seperate. I don't personally have a site but see no harm in them. (properly supervised for children) That is like saying that because I went to a party and got drunk well, I must not be a good prospect. What if that was like 1 party a year or something? but someone got a picture that I thought was funny and posted it. It is supposed to be fun on those sites. And unless you tell them, how do they know it is your site before they open it?

[Crystallas]

Special Someone, Step Sister? Some people with their homebrew acros.

Why try to prevent someone going through a phase now instead of later? People learn the hard way. Just be supportive.

[mariec99]

When businesses and colleges look at myspace or facebook...I think they are not looking for the actual drug references, nude photos, etc. What they are looking for a a demonstration of good judgment. If Jane and John Doe feel it is appropriate to make drug jokes and post fetish pics of themselves in a public forum, how can they be trusted to represent the company/college and to make sound business decisions. What if they bragged about cheating in school on myspace? Should a college ignore that? Here's the rule: Don't act like a fool in public if you don't want people (or employers and schools) to think you are a fool. And like it or not, the internet is a public forum.

The bottom line is judgment - something lots of people in our society lack in droves. The area of the human brain that deals with judgment does not finish developing until the early 20's. That's why adults need to teach them to make sound decisions and think things through.

Which brings us back to the teen step son in question. He needs guidance. I am still concerned that the step mom is more concerned wiht the situation than the bio parents. It might be just that the Step Mom is the only one receiving communication from the teachers. It is up to the bios. How much time does the son spend with his Dad? I am guessing, very little. It sounds like he is sent to Bio Mom and then when he visits Dad, Step Mom is the primary caretaker. How nice for Dad - how relaxing to be a parent and have everyone else do the heavy lifting!