Wedding Shakedown

Well Spent · #1 (**permalink**) 08-22-2006, 02:43 PM

How does everyone here, especially the women, deal with madness of having to spend money for a bachelorette party, a bride shower, and a wedding gift?

I went to a wedding shower last month and spent $60 on a gift. Then I went to the actual wedding and gave a card with $40 cash inside. I was not happy about it. I'm angry that I gave in to the societal pressure of giving two gifts for one event. And I refused to go to the bachelorette because it was an overnight trip and I was not going to pay $$$ for that, too.

How do all of you handle it? What should I do in the future to avoid playing this game? I am not comfortable giving a gift that costs more than $50. it's not in my budget and not in my comfort zone for what is right socially.

boefixepa · #2 (**permalink**) 08-22-2006, 02:51 PM

It would depend on who it was for me. If it's a really close friend I don't feel bad spending the money twice, and I've done it before and would do it again. If it was not a close friend I'd give the nice gift for the shower, and a nice card (no money) for the wedding. Personal thing there. If they base my friendship on what I give them, then that's not much of a friendship for me to worry about. I don't think I'd even be invited to the shower if they weren't a close friend. I guess it would depend on how open they were with the shower. To me the shower should be close family and/or friends only...not everyone you know.

I wouldn't even bother with the bachorlette party...but that's just me.

pearlieq · #3 (**permalink**) 08-22-2006, 03:26 PM

I'm in bridal hell myself. I'm MOH for an old friend, and I love her dearly, but her blessed event is going to wind up costing me northwards of $1,000! Between the dress, alterations, and accoutrements, hair, makeup, parties, and gifts, gifts, gifts it's amazing anyone can do this!

Unless it's a very close friend, I usually decline an invitation to be an attendant. It's just so expensive, and half the time you're just being asked in order to "even up sides".

I guess the best you can do is be honest about what you're willing and able to spend.

Great to be Debt Free · #4 (**permalink**) 08-22-2006, 03:31 PM

Weddings are tough! And I don't think most brides pay much attention to what things add up to. ALl my attendants were sisters and SILs and both sides of the fam had 2 weddings in the same yr. We paid 1/2 dress cost for girls and tux rentals for the guys.

I let them know up front that their being in my wedding was a true gift to me and nothing more was expected. They all did give a little something at a shower, but most knew better than to go overboard. And one of my sister's gift was to sing in my wedding. I loved it!

If you are that close to your friend, then she knows what she means to you and doesn't need an expensive gift to prove it. That's my 2c.

LuxLiving · #5 (**permalink**) 08-22-2006, 03:39 PM

One gift - if attending the shower give it there. Signed card at wedding.
Only going to the wedding? - one gift.

Our budget wouldn't allow for more than one.

scrava · #6 (**permalink**) 08-22-2006, 04:11 PM

oh, i'm going to go against the grain here:
if you can only afford one $50 gift then I think you should go to the wedding and give the gift there (I assume you are not brining a date?). It is so TACKY to go to a wedding a not give a gift. It is even more tacky to go to a bridal shower and not give a gift. So, if you have one gift only skip the shower. Of course you could make something for the shower gift. But, I would only do that if I had some kind of skill and could make something nice.

As far as the bachelorette party, I skip them all the time because I don't think they are fun and they are def. too expensive.

LuxLiving · #7 (**permalink**) 08-22-2006, 04:22 PM

Sorry Scrava I have to totally disagree with you.

This may be culturally/community driven but IMHO showing up at a small intimate shower gathering where gifts is the main purpose w/o a gift would be MUCH the tackier. Showing up at a wedding where the main purpose is the actual nuptials AND a much larger crowd is present seems less likely to draw notice. In my area folks usually slip into a banquet hall and leave their gifts and go into the sanctuary w/o anything in hand but their purses and a good-looking escort! At least I do! Nobody knows who brought what because for most cultures here the gifts are opened after the guests leave and the honeymoon is over! The family takes the gifts home.

-LuxLivingFrugalis

P.S. Haven't been invited to a bachelorette party in eons!! They gift the fianced there as well nowdays? Well, sorry, I might have brought a bottle if that was going to be the nights theme, but only if I was cashflush at the time! Us Southron'Baptist girls aren't supposed to tipple you know!

{supposedly we'd be toast!

Great to be Debt Free · #8 (**permalink**) 08-22-2006, 04:24 PM

I'm with you, Lux... to each their own, however!

tgavin71 · #9 (**permalink**) 08-22-2006, 05:55 PM

When I married I purposely didn't have a kitchen tea because I think it is a bit much to expect people to buy gifts for the tea and the wedding. Especially as we had everything we needed because we had been living together for 2 years before the wedding. Same goes for baby showers never had one of those either. My kids coped just fine.

kealina · #10 (**permalink**) 08-22-2006, 10:54 PM

i'd like to say that it all depends on the bride and of course your relationship to them... i wouldn't mind spending more on a good friend provided i had more to spend... as for the social game, i think it depends on everybodys expectations...

i was a low-maintenance bride though so maybe it's just my perspective ... i didn't do a bachlorette or a bridal shower because they weren't my style... i wanted to have a small family get together (no gifts) at my moms house but it just didn't come together, so i only had the wedding and i kept my expectations fairly low... there were a few people who were disappointingly cheap (people who i know shouldn't have any reason to be cheap) but i have to say that people were more generous than i expected in almost every case...

i was also very conscious of cost to those around me... we had the best man (DH's only attendant) wear clothes he already owned and i let my sister, who was my MOH and only attendant, wear whatever she wanted...we only asked that they not clash with our colors of green and white (and black for DH)... my sister, who is very unfrugal, found a dress she liked that was $350

which fortunately got marked down to just under $100 which i was glad to hear...

as for your experience, i don't know how you can avoid the pressure except not to bow to it... i was under all kinds of pressure to spend more and have a more extravagant wedding but i held out and i'm glad i did... you might be angry now but try to think of it as a reinforcing experience... something to remember next time you feel pressured to conform and give more than you for comfortable... good luck..

ps. edited because i forgot to add that my very unfrugal sister is single and makes plenty of money to support her spending habits so at least she is not in debt...

poundwise · #11 (**permalink**) 08-23-2006, 05:08 AM

I think weddings in this country are mostly assinine. People spend more time planning for their wedding than they do planning for marriage. Not to mention the wastefulness that takes place spending thousands of dollars. To me, it is just another example of screwed up values. Does anyone remember the important thing about marriage anymore? Or is it just to fulfill little girls' dreams by having Daddy put out so much money and spending days getting alterations, picking a cake, caterer, location, planning a honeymoon, etc. Everyone says, "But it is the most important day of my life." Yes, to that point it may very well be, but why is the response to the fact to practically ignore the importance of what you are doing and just celebrate by abandoning common (?) sense? Maybe if people gave more emphasis to their mate and marriage instead of their parties and wedding, there would be less problems, including divorce, later.

pearlieq · #12 (**permalink**) 08-23-2006, 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poundwise

I think weddings in this country are mostly assinine. People spend more time planning for their wedding than they do planning for marriage. Not to mention the wastefulness that takes place spending thousands of dollars.

I think this is a pretty good point. I know my own wedding definitely pierced the veil (no pun intended) on the whole wedding rigamarole.

I couldn't believe all the stupid things people kept pushing at you as "essentials". I can't believe how baldly a vendor will double their price for a wedding, and people just go along with it!

The whole thing lasted 1/2 a day! It was nice, I guess, and there are things I remember fondly, but I also remember being so wound up that I almost passed out during the picture-taking (living on tums for 48 hours and then wearing a 20 pound dress will do that to a person!).

The honeymoon, on the other hand, was worth every penny!

I'm having trouble mustering much enthusiasm for my friend's wedding, and I feel bad about it. She's been so wedding crazy for so many years, and I just don't have the heart to rain on her parade, so I'm trying desperately to drum up enthusiasm about which chair covers ($4 per person!) she should pick. The whole thing just seems like an incredibly wasteful excuse to indulge a princess fantasy.

LuxLiving · #13 (**permalink**) 08-23-2006, 06:59 AM

PerlieQ- I can't blame you, I'd be hard pressed to not shake (or worse) her to snap her out of it !! I pray my last remaining boys at home find sensible brides!!

boefixepa · #14 (**permalink**) 08-23-2006, 08:42 AM

I'm single and so anti-wedding!!! I've told many friends I have no intention of having a big wedding. I've owned a home for 5 years now...there's nothing I HAVE to have... I know I'll just get lots of things I don't want or need. And the truth be told her it is...I'm more worried about offending and/or hurting my mother when and if I tell her that... I think she is more into those kinds of things than I am. I am more concerned about find the right man and having the relationship I want than some stupid party! But that's me.

LuxLiving · #15 (**permalink**) 08-23-2006, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by boefixepa

I'm single and so anti-wedding!!! I've told many friends I have no intention of having a big wedding. I've owned a home for 5 years now...there's nothing I HAVE to have... I know I'll just get lots of things I don't want or need. And the truth be told her it is...I'm more worried about offending and/or hurting my mother when and if I tell her that... I think she is more into those kinds of things than I am. I am more concerned about find the right man and having the relationship I want than some stupid party! But that's me.

Uhhhhhh....Boefixpa, have you met my friend Broken Arrow???????????

Broken Arrow, have you met my friend Boefixpa????????????????

Invite me to the wedding and I'll buy you guys a savings bond!!! Not dust, no mus!

Fern · #16 (**permalink**) 08-23-2006, 09:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poundwise

I think weddings in this country are mostly assinine. People spend more time planning for their wedding than they do planning for marriage. Not to mention the wastefulness that takes place spending thousands of dollars. To me, it is just another example of screwed up values. Does anyone remember the important thing about marriage anymore? Or is it just to fulfill little girls' dreams by having Daddy put out so much money and spending days getting alterations, picking a cake, caterer, location, planning a honeymoon, etc. Everyone says, "But it is the most important day of my life." Yes, to that point it may very well be, but why is the response to the fact to practically ignore the importance of what you are doing and just celebrate by abandoning common (?) sense? Maybe if people gave more emphasis to their mate and marriage instead of their parties and wedding, there would be less problems, including divorce, later.

I couldn't agree more, and i've never understood why women make such a big deal out of them. What a waste! It's so consumer-driven. It's not that I'm not romantic, but i have never lusted after the extravagant, "the invitations must be perfect" type of affair, the details of which are probably forgotten by most of your guests a year later. Weddings i've attended all seem so cookie-cutter, not personalized wiht any real meaning, but the standard stuff.

If i marry someday, and i hope i will, i would look forward to an intimate gathering of immediate family and very close friends. Now, "Intimate" means 100 guests to some people; to me it would mean about 20.

rickatheslicka · #17 (**permalink**) 08-23-2006, 09:25 AM

I inadverdently committed a huge faux paus...

I was a bridesmaid for a friend who had a VERY formal wedding. Some time before the wedding, I got an invitation for a "Bridal Luncheon." I don't know much about wedding etiquette, and I didn't know any of the other bridesmaids to ask them what it means, so I googled "bridal luncheon" and learned that it is a party that the bride holds to honor the bridesmaids and attendants. I'm thought "Wow, I guess that's something that goes along with formal weddings, that is so thoughtful!"

So I showed up without a gift, thinking this is going to be a party to honor us. Instead, my friend sat in a chair with us gathered around her and one by one all of the other people there gave her their presents.

Of course, I had no gift, and since it was a small party, it was clear to everyone that I did not bring a gift. I pulled my friend aside and explained that I was planning on throwing her a shower with our local friends. I did NOT explain that the confusion was due to her use of the phrase "Bridal Luncheon" and that nowhere on the invitation did it say "Shower." She was very nice about it and explained the situation to everyone there, which was embarassing but I guess it was better than them wondering how cheap I was. They probably wondered that anyway.

So I agree with those who say it is far tackier to show up to a shower without a gift. Had I known it was a "Shower" and not a true "Luncheon," I would have either not gone or gotten her something small.

In the end, I was not able to host a second shower for her because none of our local friends could find the time. So I put a lot of thought and time into the wedding gift that I ultimately purchased and worked on, adding a lot of personal touches. She was genuinely very happy with it, and I think (hope) that the whole shower thing was forgotten.

I personally think it is really lame to ask your closest friends and family to buy you two presents (one for the shower and one for the wedding), so I have no intention of doing so for my wedding. We are doing a destination wedding, and it will truly be a gift to me to have as many people as possible attend, and if buying a wedding gift is going to make it that much more difficult to afford actually attending the wedding, then I would rather have no gifts.

One other quick note: These days, I think most brides prefer to have wedding gifts mailed to a particular address, rather than physically brought to the wedding. It can be very cumbersome to deal with all those presents, and I have heard horror stories about the wedding gifts being stolen. And supposedly etiquette says that you can send a wedding gift up to a year after the wedding! Something to think about...

scrava · #18 (**permalink**) 08-23-2006, 09:40 AM

oh, someone got me wrong above:

IMHO:
It is tacky to go to a wedding and not give a gift
TACKIER to go to shower and not give gift.
So, if I can only give 1 gift, go to wedding only.
(or make something *nice* for shower gift and go to shower, too)

lrjohnson · #19 (**permalink**) 08-23-2006, 09:46 AM

I believe that there is no occasion that requires a gift. I think if anyone expects gifts from every attendee, then they are the tacky one, not the person not bringing a gift. There should be no "admission fee" to any event, wedding, birthday, anything.

I like to get a gift for these events. Sometimes it may be a smaller gift. If someone judges a $10 gift and thinks it should have been bigger, the problem is all theirs and I'm hoping I don't know a lot of people like that.

A person with a low income and/or someone who does not know the bride/groom very well should be able to write a card with warm wishes. I particularly dislike the gift madness that goes along with weddings.

Ima saver · #20 (**permalink**) 08-23-2006, 09:55 AM

I agree with poundwise about what a big waste of money a wedding is. I went to my one and old big wedding in Michigan. It ran over $50,000 for the wedding. They divorced a few years later.
I got married at home, in a dress I owned. We had a little party afterward, food and drinks. Most guests brought covered dishes, we furnished the liquor. Total cost $200 or less! Still married after 30 years!