I'm Being a Big Baby, Aren't I?

[pearlieq]

I've had a situation brewing with DH for a few months now, and I'm really at a loss for how to handle it. I could use any sincere advice anyone has to offer.

My DH is a high level exec, and especially of late, lots of perks are coming with his job--lunches/dinners out, gifts, special experiences (last month he got to go to a VIP party at a blues club and meet B.B. King, Eric Clapton, and other famous musicians), and all the latest new gadgets and toys.

Plus, in the last year, DH has been playing poker pretty seriously, and is quite good at it. He started out using his pocket money, and a bit of "seed money" from our general budget that he has long since paid back. The money he uses to play now all comes from his winnings. He has made a fair amount of money. He is a responsible gamer--I don't at all suspect he has a problem with gambling, and he has never lost control about how much he's willing to wager.

I'm embarassed to admit this, but I'm jealous. It started in the last few months and the feeling has been growing. I'm trying so hard to be supportive and to cheer him on, because I truly am happy for him. I'm very proud of his career successes and his poker skills. He's worked very hard for both, and I really want him to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

On the other hand, though, sometimes it's hard to sit and home and eat leftovers while he's out having another dinner at Morton's (these really aren't "bring your spouse" events). He has 3 Ipods--I still have an 40-song MP3 player from the late 90's. He's got a brand new fancy watch (a gift) and I'm saving my pocket money to buy nail polish.

It's getting harder and harder to have him gone all day for a poker tournament only to have him come home with money that he's just going to keep as a bankroll or spend on treats for himself. Once or twice he's given me some of his winnings, but that just kind of make me feel like a leech. I mean, it's not my money. I didn't work for it, and I have no claim on it. Still, I'm kind of jealous that he has it and I don't.

Am I totally out of line here? Has anyone else ever had to work through being jealous of what their spouse has?

[meaghanchan]

I'm not married, and have never been so take my opinion with a grain (or more) of salt if you wish.

I'm a big believer in the fact that once a couple gets married, their income and assets become shared. In my opinion the couple should draw up a budget together, and agree on the spending- no matter where the money's coming from, no matter who makes more than who, and without taking any of that into consideration. Just, 'what do we need, what do we want, and how much money do we (together) have'. I know not all couples deal with their money this way.

It seems like there's two issues here: Being jealous of his work perks (which, IMHO, you are not entitled to, because that's just job related, and as you said they're not the kind of things you can take a spouse to) and being jealous of extra money and stuff (poker winnings) that I believe you are, at least partially, entitled to.

I don't think you're being a big baby, but I do think you need to talk about this issue with your husband, and see if you can't work out a solution that is agreeable to both of you. You said that taking some of his money you feel like a leech- but taking none of it, you feel resentful and jealous. I don't know the solution, I just know you can't get to it without letting your husband know how you feel.

[creditcardfree]

I'm married and I think I would have the same feelings. I agree with the above post on sharing assets. I think that it is very important that all earned income be for the good of the family...regardless of how it is earned.

It definitely needs to be talked about. He probably has no idea how his absence makes you feel.

Take care.

[geojen]

I totally agree with the other posts. Your husband may not even suspect how you feel. Do you think he would really be happy if he knew you had to save up for nail polish? Marriage is a partnership, and sometimes one of the partners is more financially sucessful than the other. That's life, and you shouldn't have to feel deprived or stressed out because your husband makes more than you. You also make an important contribution to your family, even if its not monetary. Just talk to him.

I was in the same situation, until I read David Bach's smart couples finish rich. My husband and I talked about how we planned to spend our life together, and agreed that marriage is a complete partnership, emotional and financial. We have not looked back, and now can celebrate when we reach financial goals together. Its much more fun!

[Homebody]

How long have you been married? Why doesn't he just give you one of his Ipods?? Why does he need three??

When my husband won big (for him) at his convention in Las Vegas, he surprised me with a beautiful diamond rng.

I completely understand it being hard to eat leftovers when your husband is out every other night. My husband eats out lunch everyday while I am home eating leftovers, but it is his time to get away from work, and he is reimbursed so it's not like it's really costing me anything.

If you are running the home, I think it would be nice of him to appreciate your contribution and hand over some of the winnings. I would expect it, especially if you have kids that need things.

Good luck and better bring it up before you are so made or resentful you completely blow (just my advice, take it or leave it).

[cschin4]

I really don't get this type of relationship. If you are married, isn't it all your money as well? And, you are his wife, doesn't he want to share his successes with you? Why can't you use HIS ipod? I can understand why you can't attend business dinners, etc. But, many times spouses are invited as well. As for poker, you have every right to want him to spend some time with you instead of out playing all the time. Just because he is not addicted or over the top with poker doesn't mean it is not affecting your marriage.

[Broken Arrow]

I don't think you are being a big baby. Little things do matter, and beneath it all, there could be issues bigger than what it seems here. Even if it isn't, it's best to manage things before it escalates.

It does sound like that the two of you need to talk about what's going on and how to iron out the kinks in this new development.

Good luck!

[LuxLiving]

Nope - not a baby at all!! Though when you bring it up he may try to make you think so! Not all husbands will act that way, but some will!

Actually you are being mature enough to see a problem, think it through carefully, observe your own emotions and try to understand your own motivations, brainstorming here w/folks to get some possible solutions beforehand and then possibly approaching him gingerly with a little 'Baby, I have a problem!' tenderness. If he's like most men he'll naturally want to help you solve it! It's your marriage too, so go for it! I think you are behaving quiet maturally as a matter of fact.

Go with some facts in hand. Show him your budget. Does he have a separate one for household bills?

[disneysteve]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I understand the work functions as I get those in my field too. I used to be able to bring DW, and I did regularly, but the guidelines changed and now I can't. HOWEVER, once the rules changed, I stopped attending most of the programs because I didn't feel it was right to do so while leaving her and DD home. Now I only go to the ones that I feel are particularly important. I could dine out at fine restaurants virtually every nite if I wanted to but I choose not to.

As for the poker winnings, I agree with everyone else. We don't have "my" money and "her" money. It all goes in the same pot. It has since the day we got engaged. I can understand if he needs to set aside a certain amount to use for buy-ins for future tournaments, but money above and beyond that should benefit both of you, not just him.

I'm not a big gambler, though I do enjoy my occasional visits to the blackjack table. On a casino trip last year when I had a good day, we stopped at the Swarovski store and I got DW a pair of crystal earrings and a figurine she had her eye on. If either of us comes into extra money, we share it with the other. When DW inherited some money several years ago when her aunt died, we bought a new laptop that we both use. Heck, I probably use it more than her.

Stop feeling bad and sit down and discuss the situation with your husband. He may not realize how badly his behavior is making you feel. Also, just because he is doing well playing poker doesn't mean he doesn't have a gambling problem. It isn't only losers who have a problem. If his gambling is interfering with other aspects of his life, like his marriage, that is a problem.

[Koppur]

I don't think your being a baby at al. It's a natural feeling. Here's my suggestion: find something that can be your very own. Join a book club, sewing club, or garden club. Start with a little seed money and start searching for antiques to buy adn resell on e-bay. Immerse yourself in a side buisness like that. The perks may not be the same, but you'll hvae your own perks: finsing a treasure for $3 and seeling it for $50; you'll bring ion your own extra money to "play" with and it'll cut the costs on what you are struggling to save.

Also, maybe just sit down and honestly talk to your DH. Explain how you feel, and that it is hard that he has this poker money, but you have to save to buy nail polish. See if he'd be willing to contribute say half his poker money to famliy finances, since it is technically an added income.

or, learn to play poker and kick his butt. =)

[LuxLiving]

Oh Koppur! You are very, Very Wise! All good advice!!

I like how you think!!!

[Ima saver]

Well, I would feel the same way. I got married to spend time with my husband. We spend everynight together. If I can't go to something then he does not go without me. He doesn't want to. We may seem funny, but we do everything together. He was the only man at a baby shower. I go into the doctor's office with him.
And I feel the money should be share also.
Luv, would you sent me an e mail?

[timetosave]

I understand the division of money, but in my case it is because I've managed to mess up my credit pretty bad. HOWEVER, my husband spends on me and the kids also...I don't think there has ever been money he has horded in this manner and would never even consider buying 'stuff' for himself and not making sure we are as happy as he is.

While reading though this I thought, not a baby, normal feelings. I agree with Koppur...there is no reason you can't be just as successful as he is. I'm assuming you are a SAHM...is there a reason that can't change...you have just as much to offer the world as your dh. Find something that makes you feel great and do it...open your own dress shop, become a foster parent, take the H&R Block course and do taxes, there IS something out there that will give you the feeling of success, bring in the money and allow you to feel GREAT about yourself.

On the other hand, I would sit dh down and discuss the finances and how this is making you feel. You might find an excellent financial backer there. I would not turn on the 'baby I have a problem' charm, I would handle this like a mature secure woman and address it headon. No need to be nasty just mature. I don't think there is any room for acting inferior when you are considering such a mature matter. JMHO

Good luck, the next time you pass that mirror see the beautiful person that has a great deal to offer and let her shine.

[34saving]

Be honest with your husband. In general (and I know I'm making a generalization), men aren't as sensitive to hints and the like that women think are just obvious. I bet he has no idea you'd like to use one of his iPods or enjoy some of his poker winnings with him. No, you're not a leach for wanting some of "his" money -- you're his wife! If he lost his job and all the perks went away you'd be there for him, right? I'm firmly in the "common pot" camp -- for richer or poorer remember?

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by Koppur

Here's my suggestion: find something that can be your very own. Join a book club, sewing club, or garden club. Start with a little seed money and start searching for antiques to buy adn resell on e-bay. Immerse yourself in a side buisness like that.

This isn't a bad idea, but I think it is ignoring the underlying problem. If your spouse is pulling away from you, I don't think you should go running in the opposite direction. I think you should discuss the problem and get the two of you back together. What kind of relationship will it be if both partners are always off doing their own thing: one playing poker and one off buying and selling on ebay. I don't know about anyone else, but I got married because I wanted to spend more time with my wife, not less. JMHO.

[timetosave]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

This isn't a bad idea, but I think it is ignoring the underlying problem. If your spouse is pulling away from you, I don't think you should go running in the opposite direction. I think you should discuss the problem and get the two of you back together. What kind of relationship will it be if both partners are always off doing their own thing: one playing poker and one off buying and selling on ebay. I don't know about anyone else, but I got married because I wanted to spend more time with my wife, not less. JMHO.

I don't think this is what is being said here, we are trying to show her she has as much to offer financially as he does, there is no reason to let the marriage fail but I really think she needs to find something that is hers...selling on ebay will not take her in the other direction...in that case she will still be home but earning money and having a sense of self...I agree, ignoring the problem is not the answer but finding one's ability is not going to ruin her marriage. There are millions/billions of two income families out there that have strong marriages.

[Ima saver]

I agree with you disneysteve. When my dh comes home at night, I make a point to stay in the same room that he is in, the entire night. I don't come up here and play on the computer, I stay with dh!
I really think you need to talk this over and let him know how you feel. (I don't even know what an i pod is??)

[Fern]

Disneysteve said it perfectly, and everyone had good advice here.

[Ima saver]

Disneysteve did say it perfectly!!

[LuxLiving]

Disneysteve is right except you can be together and still have separate hobbies. My husband and I don't like all the same things.

I call my husband Baby all the time, so it isn't in an effort to 'charm' him in a manipulation at all - what I was referring to is not to go in w/ a snivelling and crying and poor meeeeeeeee you big poker winning bully attitude. Not that she would, but some women might and he might go all defensive on her. A mature person approaches their spouse in a straightforward manner. One that hopefully is typical for their relationship. It is her problem at the moment and she hasn't made him aware of it. If she approaches it as we have a problem he's likely to go all defensive before she's gotten a word out of her mouth. Let him own it as their problem sometime during the calm discussion if he will. And he most likely will if she doesn't go with "You make me feel....", but "I feel this way when this happens".

Gee, I see no reason to stir up a hornet's nest, when the milk of human kindness could smooth this over easy!