Pre-nuptial Agreement?

[vsjhoc]

Did you sign one before you got married? If you were getting married now, would you agree to sign one? Would you insist that your fiance sign one?

[greedy4chips]

No, No, and No.

If I had something to lose of value, then of course I would ask that they sign one. However, I would question why I am marrying someone I already have questions about lasting forever.

What food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%? Wedding cake!

[boefixepa]

I would only sign one if I doubted the relationship and I wouldn't marry if I doubted. On the flip side if I wasn't worried and it was fair than what's the harm? So it's rather a sticky situation. There would be lot of conversations and money talk. Obviously if one or the other want it then maybe there some underlaying emotional concerns or doubts that need to be worked out. Better to talk about it now than later. Money is a big issue in marriages and has been the cause of way too many separations...not to mention fights.

It would depend on the situation, the relationship and the money amount involved. Two poor people don't have a pre-nuptial......they don't have anything to loose. One thing is for sure, if you can't have an adult conversation about it without getting mad and fighting.....run! Also what is the state of each partners finances. If one is two paychecks away from banrupcy and the other has a nice start on a nest egg then...well, something has got to give or change. You need to eye to eye on finances and have defined roles and responsibilities, or there is a fight waiting to happen.

Money is also a means of control. Some people (sorry, guys, but most of them have been men, but it can work both ways) use money to hold the other spouse prisoner. If the one wanting the pre-nup isn't worried so much about the money as the control....(You can't leave me YOU WON"T GET SQUAT!)...then again..adress the control issue. If this was the case then the other party needs to run. Control is not what a marriage relationship is about.

Marriage is hard in many ways (this coming from a single person!! lol) but of the many friends and families I have watched over the years I like this best. Before you marry you need to be independent ... financially, emotionally, spiritually.... Then together the two of you choose to be INTERdependent. That means working as one unit, each having defined roles that together compliments to make a complete team.

If (and women are natorious for this) one party goes from dependence to marriage they just move the dependence from their parents to their husbands and have a very hard time a few years down the road with self-worth or self-esteem. They find themselves trapped and bitter because of it.

Now have said all that, back to pre-nups. Two independent people, choosing interdependence in marriage, will have no problems working out the pre-nup thing. Either they will decide they don't need it, or they will work to create one that is fair to both parties.

[mariec99]

You bet I'd sign-- but first I would take it to my lawyer and make certain it protected me too. For example -- there would be a HUGE cash penalty if my husband cheated on me. It would also include things like an agreement that we would hire a housekeeper. And if he didn't want me to work (or if we agreed to have children) there would be a clause stating that alimony would include an "ecomomic benefit" payment equal to any drop in my potential salary due to dropping out of the workforce. And if we had kids, I automatically get the house and he pays for a boob lift and tummy tuck.

That said, since I have my own money and home and I don't need to get married, a potential husband would really have to make it worth my while to agree to get married. Can't we just keep dating?

[Fern]

I think the general rule of thumb is that if there is a great disparity in assets between spouses, then there should be a prenupual. If assets are roughly equal, it tends to be less important.

That being said, i would be hard-pressed to suggest a pre-nuptual, and i think i would be personally saddened if someone suggested it to me, even while understanding the more pragmatic reason for it (1 out 2 marriages end in divorce), it does inject a degree of pessimisim/distrust or whatever you want to call it which i woudl imagine would be hard to swallow on the receiving end.

But in most states today, isn't it a matter of, in case of divorce, each party leaves with what they brought into the relationship, plus equal division of what was acquired duirng the marriage? So don't you basically leave with what you came with?

[vsjhoc]

Originally Posted by Fern

But in most states today, isn't it a matter of, in case of divorce, each party leaves with what they brought into the relationship, plus equal division of what was acquired duirng the marriage? So don't you basically leave with what you came with?

No, the states have very different laws. The "equal division" applies automatically only in the dozen or so "community property" states of California, Washington state, Illinois, sorry I don't remember the rest of them. There are so many other factors. For example, in NY, if you put your spouse through medical school, and then he/she dumps you later, I think you may be entitled to a portion of his/her projected future career earnings.

[greedy4chips]

Originally Posted by mariec99

And if we had kids, I automatically get the house and he pays for a boob lift and tummy tuck.

This should be written into every divorce agreement at least for the betterment of our country! hehe

[Roupey03]

If you are worried about a marraige ending before it even starts then maybe you have bigger problems then you thought.

[PrincessPerky]

ditto that roupey

if you think you need one what you need to do is skip the liscense, and not get married...

[autoxer]

Originally Posted by Fern

(1 out 2 marriages end in divorce)

I think that divorce statistic is a myth.

But for those people who do end up getting divorced, do you think they really saw it coming before they were married?

[Ima saver]

I never had one or wanted one. I did however own my house free and clear and I kept it in my name until we build a new one 7 years later. Heck, I knew the first night I met him we would be together for the rest of our lives.

[pearlieq]

Neither DH nor I had anything to our name when we got married, so we didn't sign a pre-nup.

Now that I'm older, I can see a couple of circumstances where it would be appropriate. If you're entering the marriage with children you might want an agreement to protect their home and college funds. If you had inherited something of value that you wanted to keep in your family you might sign an agreement to protect it.

I would be willing to sign one to protect assets I brought into the marriage, but I would want anything accumulated during the marriage to become community property. I need to feel like my husband and I are working toward a common goal together, not just for ourselves.

[Broken Arrow]

I didn't sign a pre-nup, and given the circumstance, probably didn't need to.

However, I do see pre-nups as a business contract rather than a question of faith and fidelity. Therefore, I agree that if there is a substantial amount on the table, then it is a wise business decision to get one drafted and signed. That's all.

It doesn't mean that a couple can't live happily ever after. It's just that ... crap happens! I mean, look at my own marriage (or what's left of it). Never in a million years would I have guessed that my ex would have cheated on me. She was the one who, from the very beginning, came straight out and said that she deplored any kind of infidelity. Why, her very first boyfriend cheated on her, and hence the disdain. For several years after that, she did exactly everything a faithful wife would do, and being cheated on was the last thing on the list of things I worried about.

So, maybe I'm blind as a bat, but I didn't see it coming until it was too late....

[jodi]

DH and I didn't have one...never even crossed our minds. Of course, we didn't have anything to protect either We were just out of college with $15k in loans each, making about $18k annually each with no assets...
Even if he had money, I would have been offended if he had asked me to sign. But I guess it is a practical matter for some...

[mschluckbier]

I guess I'm a bit old fashioned, and chances of me hooking up with someone who has millions are NONE (considering I'm marrying an average joe ha ha)..but I agree with the above poster who said if you think about the marriage ending before it starts, maybe you need to rethink going there in the first place. I've been divorced, and I didn't see it coming either, but it does happen. I was just too young, and I've learned alot since then, plus my DF knows if he screws up I know what i have to do hahahaha.

[rob62521]

I agree with Broken Arrow; I think things do happen. Some friends of ours were married for 35 years -- two grown kids. Out of the blue he decided he wanted out of the marriage because he decided he wanted to come out since he was gay. He fooled everyone, even his family. The whole incident was a huge mess with assets.

I don't think it's a matter of doubts; I think a prenup it just a way to protect both sides. People change through the years.

[Ima saver]

If I got married late in life and had assets to leave my daughter, I might. But as i am not leaving her anything, I will just draw up a will leaving my assets to you guys!!

[Snoopy2645]

Well dh & I didnt do one & I already had my own house & own money & all of that also had a child from previous relationship. But Dh has been working the whole time we been together which is almost 8 yrs & always paid for at least his half & some years paid everything when I didnt work. I never planned on marrying him I honestly had my cake & ate it too.

However when I was expecting baby#3 & didnt have health ins anymore I married him just for the ins coverage. I am positive if we split since I would have the 3 girls I would get to keep the house. Which is really the only asset I have besides my car and the
house is still in my name souly. so no I dont regret not getting one however if I had alot of money & I married a guy who didnt want to work & help with the family I woud get one then!!!

[PRICEPLUS]

Well, in my case I did not have the proverbial pot nor the window to throw it out of. I guess pre-nups are good for wealthy folks but the issue is moot for my marriage!

[Homebody]

I think they are appropriate under certain circumstances. I should precept this by saying we are celebrating our 28th anniversary next month and had $300.00 in the bank when we got married.

I jokingly brought it up to DSIL and YD at the dinner table one night before their 4th of July wedding. I said you don't have anything right to DSIL. At 19 he didn't and 18 year old daughter doesn't either. (They will have a dandy little nest egg though that is already started.)

However, I also have 25 and 27 year old daughters who both own their own homes. Depending what state they marry in, I have already advised them to get prenupts to protect the houses. I don't expect my children to get divorced, but if they do, they certainly should get the equity they put into their houses before the rest of the assests are split.

So in conclusion, I would say it all depends, but having seen my siblings divorce and friends divorce, I am not against them.