loaned money - forget about it?

[jodi]

Ok, here's the situation. About five years ago on Thanksgiving, my FIL was in the hospital for a triple bypass. The furnace went in their house. Dh and his siblings took care of it, from calling the furnace company to giving them the okay for $5000 worth of repairs (new furnace and ductwork as the old ductwork was leaking carbon monoxide). Since we were the only ones with the cash to pay it, we did without a second thought. DH's parents were very financially unstable at the time, going through credit counseling and had gotten rid of all ccs. All around were promises to help pay (from the siblings) and to pay it back (from his parents).
The following month we received $200 from one brother and $500 from his parents. Nothing since. We have let it go.
Problem is, that is too much money for me to forget about, even though DH already has forgotten about it. At the time we were making about $55k combined with $25k in savings. Now we are making $18k (I work PT, DH is a student) with $9k in savings. That money would pay his last semester's tuition without us having to increase the student loan burden. But DH does not want to ask for it.
A little more information: His sister paid more than $75k in taxes alone last year, meaning her income is easily $200k or more. In the last five years, they have bought three new cars, a hot tub, and did a $40k renovation on their kitchen. His parents still struggle, but they recently bought a used car and did some of their own renovations. One brother is unemployed and lives with them (but, oddly enough, was the only one who contributed toward the furnace despite being the worst off). The other brother is stable enough, but has two children and not a great paying job.
I love them all dearly and do not think they would intentionally leave us high and dry - however, I do think they have the ability to completely forget that this ever happened, seeing as it was a time of high crisis. DH does not even want to remind them about it. I once lent money to a friend in college who completely forgot about it - when I started to resent her for this, I finally worked up the nerve to say something. She promptly paid back every bit and apologized, as she had forgotten about it. So maybe that's the case here...
If we never see the money again, we'll be fine. But I hate the fact that it's this little seed of resentment that pops its head up every once in a while and leaves me feeling like crap. I feel taken advantage of, like they don't appreciate how hard Dh and I worked for $5k when neither of us has even made more than $30k a year.
So - do I suck it up and get over it? Pressure DH to ask? He won't do it on his own and I don't feel that it's my place. I guess I am worried that if this is never addressed, I might start feeling differently toward his family, who I love so very much. They are great people, really.
One more question: Has anyone asked for money that was long overdue? What was the reaction?

[34saving]

I guess it depends on the nature of the relationships, but honesty is rarely a bad thing. Tell everybody something like "as you know our income/job situation has changed quite a bit since we paid for Mom and Dad's furnace awhile ago. If anybody has some to spare we'd really appreciate it." Or, if the relationships are really solid: "I thought I had forgotten about the furnace replacement long ago, but not that we're struggling a bit more financially I'm afraid I'll become resentful . . ." It wouldn't surprise me at all of all of the siblings think mom/dad paid you back already.

[poundwise]

I think you have to be willing to forget it.

That is to say, either forget it, or write a few letters stating only the facts and see what happens.

"At this time we did this... and everyone said... to date we've recieved... we're glad we could help, especially during a difficult time... however, if you committed to help, then please consider..."

Such as that.

Then accept what you may get (or not get) and forget it.

[Thrifty Ray]

Have you really talked to DH about how you feel about it? I mean, all your concerns, why you feel the way you do, what you're thinking the repayment would mean to your financial situation, etc.

If not, I think this is where you need to start. A nice, long conversation about how you're feeling and why.

If DH still feels that he does not want to ask, then I feel you should consider it a gift to his parents and let it go.

If DH agrees with you, then you should talk to the family and ask if they would each pay an even portion of the bill.

If I were one of the other kids involved and had forgotten the debt (which by now I am sure they have) I would hinder no resentment in being reminded...I would be glad to pay my share and a little embarrassed that Id let it go this long.

Bottom line, you should discuss it with DH and determine what to do from there.
Good luck yo you!

[boefixepa]

I don't know, your family sounds different than mine....in mine asking would do no good. But it sounds like your family does have the means and way, but you have to decide if they have the desire.

[poundwise]

I think you have two choices, both of which end with 'forget it.'

1) Write to them, remind them, ask them... then forget it (whether you get any response or a postive reponse or not)

2) Just forget it

Keep in mind, the resentment only hurts yourself.

Also, a good rule: Never loan money to family, ever, period. Give, yes. Loan, no.

[autoxer]

Originally Posted by jodi_m

All around were promises to help pay (from the siblings) and to pay it back (from his parents).

So who is responsible to pay you back? The parents because it is their furnace? Or the siblings because they promised? When they made the promise, were they expecting to get paid back also? It sounds like an issue between DH and his parents. But if DH doesn't want to persue it, then you should consider it a gift, instead of being resentful that it wasn't paid back.

I might not be comfortable asking my parents to pay me back for an old debt, because they have done a lot more for me then I've done for them.

[Ima saver]

I think you shuld write letters and ask, it can't hurt! I had a best friend that I loaned money. She finally paid me, but it took her 5 years and I had started to resent it by then.

[jodi]

Thanks, everyone. There is some very wise words in the posts above. The funny thing is that if it had been given originally as a gift, I would have forgotten it long ago. But it was given with the promise of repayment. The siblings were supposed to split the bill with us, and the parents would pay us back when they were back on their feet. To have the promise ignored is what bothers me the most. It's like a slap in our faces after how hard we have worked to earn that. And to add insult to injury is the fact that one sibling has gone on to purchase luxury item after luxury item. I don't begrudge them that at all - they work extremely hard for it - but it bothers me to know that they put their wants above their promised obligations. They are not the people to do this, so I truely believe they have forgotten about it - or (and this had never occurred to me until 34saving mentioned it) believe it has already been paid back by the parents.
I will attempt to talk to DH one more time - this morning he told me he had written the money off and that was the end of the conversation. If he still does not want to pursue it, I will drop it. There is no way I will pursue it without his support. Family relationships are more important than money!
Thanks everyone!

[autoxer]

A verbal promise without any terms isn't really worth much. And I can see that the resentment is towards the sister that spends lots of money, but I don't see how she owes you any money when the parents agreed to pay it back.

Think about how you see this getting resolved. If the sister is the only one that has money, do you expect her to pay you her share (1/4 of the furnace)? I can't think of any tactful resolution that won't risk turning the resentment towards you.

[jodi]

You're right, I do feel resentment more toward the sister who is well off because I know she is in a position to pay it, but doesn't. The other siblings are not. DH and I agreed to pay the bill because we were the only ones with the cash to do it - the siblings all agreed to chip in toward the cost. This decision was made without the parents, while they were at the hospital preparing for bypass surgery. It was after the fact that the said they would pay it back.
I know I need to let this go...it's just hard to see that much money gone when we have to work so hard to save it and it would help us so much right now. Sigh.

[JoyJoy]

My experience with family has been to realize the money I am lending may become a gift and can I afford to let them just have it without resentment on my part if they don't pay it back? Having worked with lawyers all my life, contracts were always the order of the day. Contracts are enforceable even though families don't want to take their loved ones to court. You and your husband WILL be blessed for this even though you may not see it now. Try the suggestions the others have said here about writing letters to them, etc. If it doesn't work, then move on. Hard as moving on may be, you will survive.