Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

[pyotr]

My family is about to take into our house my wife's 94 year-old granny. We wished we had a first floor bedroom but we luckily do have an extra bedroom she could hopefully comfortably stay in. She is fairly "with it" still, can bathe, wash up, eat, toilet, walk around and do just about most things by herself. I realize that over the years, she will no longer be able to do all these things and I will eventually be helping to clean her up, feed her, and yes eventually will need to help sit with her as she dies. It's easy to say but I realize that without having done it yet, I don't really know all that will be involved in her care into her death. I've helped care for 2 babies and I was even a house husband for about 3 years and raised my son from age 11 months to 3 and a half while my wife worked (more than) full time.

She unfortunately has (or had) a sizeable fortune of over 2 milliion as well as a pricey house which has caused lots of evil behavior in her children. They wanted to force her into a nursing home to get her out of their hair (and I believe try to kill her off to get to her money). We have therefore made her settle out her fortune and made her give all of her money and her house to her children. My wife and I insisted that we ourselves get absolutely nothing in order to avoid any suspicion of ulterior motives. This is an example of how having too much money adversely effects your life and family dynamics.

For anyone who has done this or who is currently doing this (taking in an oldster for life), any recommendations and any insight/advice/anecdotes or problems I may not be thinking about here?

It would have been wise for granny to have kept some of that money for her needs. Even though she is not in a nursing home, she still may need some in home care at times that will be costly.

But bless you for taking in the woman. I lived with my mother when she was elderly and then had to take off a few months at the end of her life when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She did not want to be in a hospital or a nursing home, and that was the last thing I could really give her. We had hospice at home - the nurse would check in 3 times a week and the nurses aid would come and bathe her 3 times a week.

We turned the liviing room into a hospital room, because my mother was unable to walk and had to be changed like a baby. There was a bigger TV in the living room and she could see outside better than in her bedroom. At the end the nurse wanted me to bring my mother to the hospice in the hospital, but my mother was alert enough, and I know would have been disappointed that she had to go there.

So I had to get in home care for the last few weeks. She was too frail tohelp me roll fher so that I could change her, and change the bed linens, and I felt like I was going to hurt her.

Your grandmother may very well never end up in a situation like that - but it is always good to have some funds to be able to cover things when you need help.

Prior to her diagnosis, my mother was elderly and had a lot of health problems (atrial fibrillation, congestive heart failure, blocked arteries, etc), but was always with it, and did everything for herself. I went to the doctor with her and watched her take her pills twice a day after the atrial fibrillation diagnosis, as I felt that if I paid more attention earlier on, maybe the heart problems wouldn't have progressed as they did. She did insist on driving and I couldn't manage to take that away from her even when her eye doctor had told me after one of her cataract surgeries that she had bad peripheral vision in one eye from probably small strokes and shouldn't be driving.

I must say I became a food nazi after my mother got the congestive heart failure and because she had high cholesterol and her neck artery was 98% blocked and she didn't want surgery. Wouldn't let her have cake, chips, ice cream, etc. That was one thing she hated me doing, and after she died I found a bag of potato chips hidden in her closet shelf. Given that pancreatic cancer makes the patient waste away to nothing, I wish I would have let her eat as she wanted. - well still not so much salt - the congestive heart failure.

Sorry if this is so long.

[Broken Arrow]

Wow. Good for you both.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when my parents get older. However, they've always been rather independant and they're financially very stable, so, hopefully that will help when they get older.

You can be independent, but at a certain point your body just gives out on you. My mother raised two children - divorced, no child support or alimony, worked full time her whole life. She was very independent.

And I always got ballet lessons, ice skating lessons, and my brother went to private schools until he was about 16. I didn't realize we were poor until I was about 16 - and my mother never went into major debt either.

[poundwise]

You certainly should have kept some money for her care. And, if her children are as you say, she could have given the money to her church or a charity.

Ah well, the important thing is that you have taken her in and are caring for her. Believe me, it will get trying at times. Just always try to keep in mind the golden rule and imagine it were you needing care. Treat her with respect and allow her to retain her dignity. Understand though, you have taken on a task that is sure to be difficult at times. May God bless you. You are doing right in a culture that increasingly ignores and disrespects its eldery. Bravo!

[PrincessPerky]

I have never had to do that....but I think about it alot, I don't think I could do the nursing home thing..but then I can'tt live with my mom ..

Anyway one thing I notice..old people are like the opposite of young..when my kid does something wrong, or when I change UEs diaper, I know it won't be long before they can do it themselves, or grow out of the whining..but for an old person..once you start changing diapers you will be for life...however long that may be...

That sounds depressing, but I think if you go into it with eyes wide open, and especially with some time for breaks...well you have more patience than I do!

[scrava]

do you have a space on the 1st floor that you could convert for granny when the time
comes that she will need to be there?

[vishenda]

Oh I salute you for having a warm heart...shes part of the family..look at her as your biological mother/parents who once or for most of their lives have guarded and guided you....promise I do appreciate what you're doing...
Godbless
extend my sincerest regards to your nanny=)

[contrary1]

Blessings to you for making this decision. I'm a firm believer in mixing up the generations.
First off, I would find things for her to do. Jobs, tasks, chores........whatever you want to call them. Make it clear she is part of the household & you can use her help. Everyone wants to be needed, find a way for her to really feel useful.
Reading to children or listening to kids read are both helpful..........prepping items for meals, folding laundry, there are tons of things that can be put on her "list". The longer people are useful and active, the better off everyone is.

Just my 2 cents........

[cschin4]

Best of luck. Hope it works out well. Is she moving in with you willingly? Or, is this her only alternative. If she is not happy about the idea, it may be a difficult transition.
I personally would not assign her any "chores". I think it would be better to let things evolve and see what she is capable of and likes to do. Most people will do chores on their own. My mom always just washes dishes, etc when she comes over. If she is not inclined to do this, than putting chores upon her may just frustrate you and her. Just my opinion.
Make sure you all have your own personal space. She will want time alone as will you.
And, since she has made it to 94, she knows a thing or two about taking care of herself. Don't try to change her ways, diet, etc. Respect that she is capable of making her own decisions even if you don't agree.
As for care she may need, you may not even end up in a situation as you descibe. She could be healthy and alert until her last day on earth. However, it is a good idea that you have thought and prepared.
I am not sure you why you have already divided up her estate. I don't think that is wise to do in advance. And, your wife should surely get an equal share. If she is not, then this may result in long term hard feelings for your wife. I think you should have thought that out a little more before opting out. Her care could potentially be expensive and a financial burden to you. Better to leave the money in their name and in their estate in my opinion.

[Kirbycruiser]

I took in my best friend and her children last year after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My Great Grandmother will turn 90 in October. You have no idea how long this will be a part of your life and it will be difficult. It can also be a blessing.
The best advice I can give is this....
1) Don't care about what other people say. Even though they will have no idea what you are sacrificing and they won't be around when things get bad, it wont stop them from acusing you of doing it for the money. Even if you spend every dollar of your own to do this there will still be those who will accuse you. So do it from your heart, keep those you trust and those who support you close. DONT worry about what anyone else thinks.
2) She will eventually need facilities on the first floor. How long from now is anyones guess but you should plan for those arrangements to be made in the future.
3) Try to cherish every day as a gift.
Good Luck! God Bless You!

[pyotr]

Appreciate all the encouraging words and believe me we are doing this with great trepidation. Unfortunately the money she had was a huge toxin poisoning the entire family's relationship. Sometimes it's amazing how selfish and evil people (even family) can be. There was no way we could lay claim to some of her money even for her own care without getting it from all sides. I am not rich, but am better off than most others in the family so we felt we had to step up to the plate if we wanted to keep granny from going into a nursing home. I've seen probably 20-30 nursing homes in my lifetime including several upscale ones and I've never seen one I could imagine living in myself. Once an oldster becomes totally demented and can't tell (usually) where they are, then I think a nursing home is just as good as anywhere else, otherwise, it's no place for a thinking human being to die in - that was our feeling but nobody else in the family shared it.

If granny made it to 94 lucid, I don't think senile dementia or Alzheimer's is on the horizon. Of course, I am not a doctor. Since she has been stripped of all of her funds, I hope the trepidation you are feeling does not have an ill effect.

I just know of one situation - a friend of mine - her mother had an aneurysm, and was confined to a nursing home for the rest of her life, and it was never a fun or cozy place when I visited. Financially her father needed a roommate, so her grandmother (the mother's mother) got rid of most all her belongings and moved in with the Dad. The dad couldn't stand it and the grandma had to move out - over 70 years old - only now she had no furniture.

I too think it can be wonderful for the generations to be close. I was very close with my grandparents and treasure that to this day, though they have been dead for 20-30 years.

Wishing you the best.

[kealina]

it's so great that she has you guys to be there for her at the end of her life... i know that you guys are the only ones that are gonna have peace of mind after she passes... and i'm sure she's glad to know that you guys love her that much and are willing to be there for her even without the money... i wish it would have been more possible for you guys to keep some for her care but i do understand that the drama would have sucked...
i have seen how bad people can be... i know one family where the parents died and the siblings (all 7 or 8 of them) fought and now over 10 years later they are all divided... every sibling only talks to some of the other siblings... stupid...
i know another family where the rich sibling didn't take care of her mom while her poor sibling did... then when their mom passed away it was too late... the rich one paid for a big fancy funeral but still felt bad... of course, not bad enough... she was still greedy and demanded her mom's rolex... *sigh*
honestly, i for one will never understand it... i wasn't raised that way at all...
Quote from my mom (i think) "you can always get more money but you only have one family"... although we didn't have a lot of money we were raised with pretty strong ethics and i just hate that kind of drama...bleh

i personally only know one monied family where they don't indulge in that kind of drama... i hope it always stays that way...

[boefixepa]

I can understand the money situation and it is sad that it happens that way...this why when (I refuse to use if) I am comfortable financially no one in my family (including and most importantly my immediate family) will know the extent of my money and I will have a very detailed will as to where any funds will go.

I salute you for taking her in and giving her the end of life care you would want, may it be the blessing for you that it was for my mother in caring for her aging mother. Chances are you will eventaully have to convert an area on the first floor, making those 'in case' plans will make any needed adjustments smoother. I would also make sure you are aware of where you can get in home care assistence, the cost, and such. Looking, picking and choosing now will make is easier when the need arises, if it does. Also, make sure you know what her insurance will cover and what it will not.

If she hasn't already named you or your spose as her 'medical' ohhh...what's the word...it's a legal documents that names you or spouse and gives you the legal right to make all decisions regarding her health care....do it now! Don't wait until she's out of it and you get into another family battle.

Arrange and pay for all funeral expenses while she can help you plan if she's alright with that. As least make sure you have the burial plot where she want to be laid to rest.

Most of all love her and cherish her as long as you can and may it come back to a thousand times over!!!