my teen daughter and my money!

FrugalBachelor · #1 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 11:24 AM

Ok, so I had this daughter with a woman I cannot stand in 1990. I hadn't seen her for a long time because of the mother and her b.s. games. I just recently decided enough and it is time to be in my daughters life. It took all of a few days before I was getting asked for money for disney, fairs, cell phone minutes etc...I gave her a cellphone and now she expects me too pay for her minutes every time she runs out.

I'm a generous person and I do love her....however I have a limited budget and all of a sudden all of these new expenses are draining my budget out. I want to give to her but not to the point of going broke. I don't want to be viewed as my daughters wallet..if you know what I mean. At the same time I send her a bit of $ here and there monthly...I just don't see where her mother is steppin in to buy her phone mins maybe take turns or pay half. I have her mothers # and she's only interested in what she can get from me and others. Well if any other parents have some advice...it would be much appreciated. If I had lots of liquid $ it wouldn't be an issue. I have to be a mizer in order to save and I don't want to touch what I have in savings.

thanks.

crosses · #2 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 11:53 AM

Teen daughters will take as much as they can get and they will press the outer limits to see how far you will go. You have to be careful that you absense in her life up to now doesn't guilt you into giving her free reign. I think it's important to spell out exactly what she can expect and not expect from you and you need to place that into your budget and feel good with it. This is never an easy situation, especially if you haven't spent a lot of time together. I wish you luck in setting up workable boundaries.

Ima saver · #3 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 11:58 AM

I send my granddaughters money for birthdays and christmas now that they are teens. If you can afford it, can you send her a small allowance each month and let her pay for her own minutes, etc. It might teach her how to manage money.

FrugalBachelor · #4 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crosses

Teen daughters will take as much as they can get and they will press the outer limits to see how far you will go. You have to be careful that you absense in her life up to now doesn't guilt you into giving her free reign. I think it's important to spell out exactly what she can expect and not expect from you and you need to place that into your budget and feel good with it. This is never an easy situation, especially if you haven't spent a lot of time together. I wish you luck in setting up workable boundaries.

yea sounds like good advice...she drops hints and so does her mother when she's running low on mins. to me a cell phone for her is not necessity. If she told me she wasn't eating that is another story. I also am angry because the mother was going to send me pics and so far I have received zilch. When I say I'm going to send something I send it. Mother is a liar.

oh well too heavy for this forum.

Ima saver · #5 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 12:13 PM

You need to talk about it, so feel free!! I don't think a cell phone is necessary either.

FrugalBachelor · #6 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 12:21 PM

I don't know. I was gone for years because I couldn't deal with her mother. Master manipulator, liar and cheater.

Now that I've made touch it seems like daughter useing dad for monetary reasons. I get text messages "can u send me 15 dollars by the 15th for the carnival"? and I really can't afford it every time!!

I just don't feel sincerity from their end and that's why I stayed away in the first place.

other than that I'll keep my business where it belongs.

thanks for any help.

FrugalBachelor · #7 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 12:31 PM

I think I feel like my heart and generosity and the fact that I love her to death could land me in a financially compromising situation and I fear that.

Any other dad knows it's hard to say no to our daughters...damn near impossible. We are afraid to let them down and that's a fact.

Well I'm gonna set some limits and see if I'm still popular. lol gotta do what ya gotta do.

Fizgig · #8 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 12:46 PM

Have you been paying child support?

JoyJoy · #9 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fizgig

Have you been paying child support?

That was exactly my question too.

jodi · #10 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 02:56 PM

I like the suggestion about giving a fixed amount, maybe once per month. Then when the requests start coming, you can remind her that she already received her "allowance" and there will be no more cash until next month. Limits are GOOD for kids! Good luck - sounds like you might have a tough time -

Kirbycruiser · #11 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 03:14 PM

I would offer too buy her a ticket to come and visit you! Next time she asks for money let her know that you want to save enough for the both of you to do some fun things together when she coms to visit. I would think that the whole point here is to build a relationship with your daughter. If you don't, I don't see how she could view you as anything other than a wallet. Sorry to be so blunt (I'ts one of my biggest faults).

And yes we want to know if you have been paying child support? That makes a big difference on how you should handle this situation.

kealina · #12 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 03:48 PM

although i was a wierd teenager and didn't act like this times have changed and i've seen how teenagers are now and the pp "crosses" is right in their post...
i like the idea of a monthly allowance and no more... no matter how they act, teens need boundaries more desperately than ever before...they can be really thoughtless and selfish and manipulative and they will push the boundaries unless you make them clear...
and don't let guilt get you in trouble... i've seen it in too many parents and it always backfires... in two cases that i know of it let to involuntary military academy and a stay at the detention home/foster care...
you don't want to foster any sense of entitlement because her mom is probably doing that already and it will lead to disappointment down the road... if possible, one of the better things you could do for her would be to encourage her to get a job and start a Roth... i wish someone had done that for me when i was younger... if she doesn't, then that's her choice and at least you tried... also, make sure that you aren't giving her so much that you suffer for it because i know parents who do this and their kids never thank them... in fact, sometimes it causes resentment.... just remember, she can always get more friends but she's only got one father.... i wish some of the people i saw now were that smart... i know it might be hard because she definately won't thank you now but the long-term benefits for her just might be worth it...

good luck and i'm glad you decided to set some boundaries...

Broken Arrow · #13 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 04:55 PM

Tell her, "No."

Ima saver · #14 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 04:59 PM

I had to get a job as a young teen (12) and pay for all my own stuff, including clothes and things for school. Hey, I turned out ok!

FrugalBachelor · #15 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 07:02 PM

yes i pay support but its not alot. it's a fair deal. her mother is also remarried and has 2 kids from her husband.

too much drama for me.

FrugalBachelor · #16 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 07:07 PM

thanks for all the input!! appreciated immensely

FrugalBachelor · #17 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 07:15 PM

hey im only 37 but....kids are way different today.

I washed dishes in a restaurant for my first car..I bought a plymouth for $700 bux. if i asked my dad to buy me a car he would have laughed until he fell over!! I too worked for what I decided was 'important for me to have'.

I know alot of my frugal bros and sisters can relate as I relate to your predicaments.

Snoopy2645 · #18 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 09:00 PM

Well my dad owned a carlot & we still had to work for our own car & I guarantee as much as me & my sister & even my brother were on the phone as teens he knew better than to buy us a cell!! And BTW I am now in a sitution similar to you I have an almost 12 yr old dd from a previous relationship & she wants a cell too I told her she can have one when she gets a job & pays for the thing!! She does get allowance $10 a week & $10 extra if she babysits maybe an idea for your dd. I applaude you if you are paying childsupport & sounds like you are doing the right thing my ex wouldnt pay if my daughters life depended on it!

Oh but hey well tatoes & beer & cigs well thats his priorities oh & a cell for himself even though he dont even work!! SO I would do anything to have a dad who cared about her like it sounds like you care about your dd my ex only wants to make our lives miserable even after 12yrs of being split up!!

jstanawa · #19 (**permalink**) 07-24-2006, 12:05 AM

First I would like to say I wish I had an ex that was like you. And Snoopy, my ex sounds like yours (think maybe he has 2 families...LOL). Anyway, My 14 year old dd has friends who have it all (think kids of doctors and I am a mear housewife now). I have instilled in my kids they have to earn what they have, there is no free ride in life. Since I am remarried and have 4 children we don't have tons of extra $ a month extra. When dd or her brother (age 12) want things, they must do chores or good deeds for them. Each time they are "caught" doing good I deposit a "reward" into their savings acct. When they do their chores for the week, their "wages" are deposited into their accounts. They know that if they need or want money, that is where it comes from.

I get $200 a month in child support for both of the kids (not much when you consider I am not working). I give each of them $25 out of each out of the 2 monthly payments I get in addition to their "wages". With this money they have to pay for all their clothes, eating out, movies, events, and anything else they think they need. When it's gone, they don't get any $ until the next payday. It has made them live by a budget knowing that if they spend all of their "paycheck" the first day they get it, they won't have any for the rest of the remaining 2 weeks.
Maybe you could work out a similar type of arrangement with your dd or her mother so that she doesn't drain you financially and emotionally.

PrincessPerky · #20 (**permalink**) 07-24-2006, 06:42 AM

Set limits!

but always remember...she was raised by your ex...with your exes habits..not many teens turn from their parents bad habits..but all rebel in some way..encourage her support her (emotionally, not financially) and relax about what she thinks of you..you can't buy her love...