my teen daughter and my money!

[Thrifty Ray]

I will speak from an ex- wife who raised the kids perspective.

My ex was self employed and always pleaded 'broke'. He paid child support but kept going back to court to get it reduced...and at the end, when the kids were in HS (3 of them) he was paying $100 month for all three...(this was just 3-4 years ago).

He felt that he was getting the raw deal because he had to send me money...and it is not too hard to do the math on 3 kids, $100 a month...came to about a dollar a day per. (shame on those courts)

Refused to help with braces and refused to help after they were 18 and attending college.

It would have been appreciated if he had offered to pay for ANYTHING outside of CS, but he never did.

Now, he has money to go on cruises, new cars every two years, spend, spend,spend ....on himself. I guess he wasnt so broke afterall.

Yep, he has a LOT of money...but at the expense of a relationship with his kids.

My point is that it is pretty expensive to raise a child. Child support doesnt always cover 'half' of the expenses...On the other hand, you shouldnt be a 'bank of dad' either.

So, finding a compromise...I really liked the idea of sending a small allowance and helping your DD to learn to budget the money. She may learn to budget, she may not...but you did what you could. Hopefully, as she gets older, she will learn to appreciate you more because youre her dad..and the two of you can have a good relationship.

Dont give up on her....Teens have a way of growing into beautiful young people, sometimes in spite of us parents

[FrugalBachelor]

Hey, thanks a million for everyone's advice..I read it all and It has helped a great deal.

The mother is very flaky about doing anything we agree on....I cannot stand her even after 14 yrs!! I'm not a hateful person she just was not a nice person and I will never forget that!

yea...daughter is mouthy like her sick mother...when I mentioned I needed to set bounderies daughter said "i hardly know you and now you want to set bounderies...i wouldn't listen to you"...that hurt!

once again..thanks

[Thrifty Ray]

Frugal Bachelor,

If you have been out of your daughters life for a long time, it will take time to bond again. It is possible she has been somewhat turned against you by mom, especially since you and mom have had bitterness over a number of years.

But you're still her dad. Whether your daughter agrees or even understands at this point- she needs you in her life.

It doesnt sound like it will be easy for you...but you should keep trying.

Be careful about comparing daughter to mom. Daughter may have some of moms tendencies, but she is not her mother.

Eventually, your efforts will pay off. Your daughter will become an adult and possibly a mother herself....and she will THEN understand what a pill she was during her teen years (they all usually do!) and she will thank you for not giving up on her.

[FrugalBachelor]

thank you thrifty!!!

[vsjhoc]

Originally Posted by FrugalBachelor

If I had lots of liquid $ it wouldn't be an issue.

I have several sets of divorced friends where both parents have ooodles of money. It is never about the cash. It is about control, anger, guilt, etc.

[miclason]

In a way, she wants to get at you for not being there all these years, by pretending it's all about the money, she's protecting herself from the pain ...but, in a way, she's only looking for reassurance that you love her (see how hard she can push before you give up on her)...lots of kids do that...tell her you love her very much, and that your desire to set boundaries doesn't have anything to do with not loving her or wanting to control her, it's just that you NEED to set boundaries because you are on a budget...
believe me, even if it doesn't look like it, she'll respect you for that and, eventually, she'll grow to love you (my parents were "mean" to me, and now I'm soooo thankful for all those times they said No!)...
I applaud you trying to get involved in your daughter's life...I have to keep sending emails and calling my daughter's father so he'll be semi-in touch with her...He says he doesn't keep in touch because he's ashamed he doesn't help me financially...I always tell him it is NOT about the money... I had a beautiful relationship with my father and, I just feel so bad that my daughter will never have that...

[FrugalBachelor]

vsjhoc and miclason...thank you, it's gonna be rough seas ahead for me and her...i can see it.

[Ima saver]

And sad to say, she may never change. My daughter always expected me to bail her out when she needed money. She would take her money to buy clothes, then cry when her power got turned off at home. I helped and I helped. I helped buy cars, house, food, electric, telephone,etc. and finally I said, no more.
She no longer contacts me because I will give no more money!

[PrincessPerky]

you might find if you are oepn and honest abot your cash availible she might eventually understand mre than a seemingly arbitrary limit..let her in on your own allowance..

OR she might roll her eyes and ignore it..but you get to rest easy knowing you tried.

[dshep]

I have three kids.. oldest son is 25 and started working at 15, for all those gap and abercrombie clothes, he wanted and I said no to ( he has since learned to buy normal clothes..lol) second son is 20 and in college, he has also been working summers since he was 15 and he pays for all his own expenses (including books and gas money back and forth from NH) during the college year on the money he makes during the summer.. Mom does send care packages back with him after he has been home, lol.. and last but not least.. my 17 year old daughter who will be a senior this year.. has been working summers since she was 15 (babysitting before that) last Feb she went on a school trip to Italy, she paid for it herself... this summer she has been making installment payments on a trip to London with the school... she also pays for her own gas and any extras she needs. My kids know that there is no money for xtras... and totally appreciate it when I surprise them with "money" to help them out. I scrimped and saved so that I could give my daughter some extra spending money for her Italy trip... want to know what she did with it.. bought me a awesome necklace... she was suppose to spend it on herself....
I would just tell your daughter no, that you cant afford it. Plain and simple. Love can not be bought with Money.... your daughter needs to figure that out.... dont let her put you on any guilt trips!